I'm moving to Canada.

I wish...

A friend of mine made a very compelling argument the other day, as to why Canada would be a great idea. I disagreed with exactly none of it. It would be remarkable... I would get to start over. A new place, new friends, new surroundings, new COUNTRY. (Not to mention free health care.) The pictures he showed me were nothing short of my own personal paradise. I would happily live in Canada.

God can give very clear indications of his will for you. A lot of times that path travels directly alongside that of another person. This is what I was shown. This is what I believe. This is what I am working towards. The problem comes when your interpretations of God's timing and God's will are different than those whose path is meant to become one with yours. How do you deal with that? How do you convince someone of your own personal truth, when they have their own as well?

I'm letting doubt come visit a little too often these days, but it's so easy to do when you find yourself in seclusion. There are few souls to confide in completely, at least as far as available souls are concerned. If Dodger could talk, oh the stories he'd tell...

I feel like I'm a yo-yo. Jerked around a little bit in too many different directions. Yes, no, maybe, true, false, undecided, wait, go, jump, sit still, listen, talk, do, don't.. maddening. Simply maddening. It would be one thing if it was coming from one source, but no. There are multiple people yanking my yo-yo string. Knock it off.

"I'm lost. I'm a lost toy!"

I need a plan. There is a lot of mental health that can stem from hope. I know God has a plan, but I also know that he's not just going to drag me. I have to do the walking. So often I hear of people talking about God's will and God's timing... all of this is relevant. However I also feel as if some people view that as an excuse. "If God wants it to happen, it will." Yes, sort of. God gave me the gift of writing. Hopefully His plan for me is to be a writer. It very well could be. However... if I never wrote anything, his plan would not come into fruition. We have our share of work to do. We can't just sit there and wait for things to happen. It doesn't work that way.

God can build us a boat, put it in the water, point it in the right direction, but we have to row it ourselves. This is also why he gave us free will. Yes, he has a very specific plan for each of us. This is why he truly rejoices when we actually follow it. FOLLOW it. That means moving. Not waiting.

No more waiting, Corrie. It's time for you to get a life and live it. LIVE! God wants you to LIVE! Why else would he have created you? To sit at home and watch Castle on DVD? Unlikely.

Hope is powerful, and it's easy to fall into hopelessness. It's easy to feel like you're on your own and have no human support. Even if it's true, it doesn't mean it has to STAY true.

Step one, get out of Dad's house. It's toxic and it's killing me. Both physically and metaphorically. I entered with good intentions, but he's not interested in improving anything. I would go on to list other steps, but step one is the biggest hurdle to get over. If I can figure out how to do that, I'm on my way!

The biggest barrier to successfully completing step one is $$$$$$$. Of course. Having been denied individual health care, while having my share of health problems, you can imagine that seeking healthcare comes with a pretty hefty price tag. As much as I tried to pretend that I did not need medical attention, I was forced to relent. I chose to not die, and that's going to cost me. Boo.

I need solid, reciprocated relationships. I need a very sturdy foundation. I've failed repeatedly at establishing these things in the past, so I really need to make that happen. I don't think of that as a step so much as a necessity. I need to be on the same page with people, instead of reading two separate books. You are this person to me, and I am this person to you. There is no gray area or fair weather anything. Only truth. None of the... "you are this person to me for the time being, but that will change. It has changed, and it will change again. I have real people for that." Most people have permanent people fixtures, but I do not. Not yet. I will.

I need to be able to free my mind from worry and simply create. God created me, and he created creativity, and I'm grateful for the words I constantly have floating around in my head. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard. They must come out and tell their stories.

I have stories to tell, places to see with my own eyes, and people to fall in love with. I'm supposed to be far too busy to sit still. God's list of awesome opportunities is ready, and I plan on snatching it up and running. I don't think it's running away if you're running toward your mountaintop. He has it all ready up there... He knows. I promise I won't take any shortcuts, but it's not as far away as I've been lead to believe.

Time to go.