Something needs to change. I don't know how to change it, but I know it has to change. What do I even change? This is hard. This is really hard. What do I have to let go of in order to take hold of something else? When you're swinging through the jungle on vines, you can't move forward to another vine without letting go of the one that got you to the next one. Make sense?

UUGGGHHH! My head is so full of what ifs and maybes. I'm turning into my mother! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I just need to...


change...

My current favorite picture. Not sure why, exactly.

This is something that is really frustrating me, and this is the easiest way to get it off my chest. Copy and paste! For years now there's been this almost feud with my cousins over all the things that they haven't been a part of, etc etc. They may hate me forever now, but I am tired of my family being made out to be villains. And since Kelly reads this on a regular basis, this is the easiest way to vent to my sister!!

I am the only person who tries to arrange things, etc. And since my mom's health of been on the fristz for I dunno, 8 YEARS... you'd think they would get over themselves a little and meet me half way, but no! It's like pulling teeth just to get them to admit we're related, and it is seriously damaging me! It hurts, it hurts, it HURTS REALLY BAD!!!! And I am PISSED OFF!!!!!

So, again, I opened the lines of communication, sending Alana a message via MySpace. I said :


Hey there babe. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I guess I could wait forever for someone on your end to contact ME but i know it wouldn't happen. I know your dad isn't part of the picture, but I would love to still be your family. I miss you.

Alana wrote back :


I miss you too. And I hear your going through a rough time again. I'm sorry to hear that. I know our family doesn't keep in contact well, but there have been a lot of things that have hurt US! We dont feel like a part of your family. Never really have! Heck... we werent even invited to most of the reunions till the DAY of the reunions. How about Missy's wedding???? We sure as hell werent invited! Let alone KNOW about it till MAYBE a week in advance. I DO love you and I DO miss you! YOU corrie have always showed that you care! And I'm sorry I havent kept in contact with you as well as you have. I have so much bitterness towards certain members on my dads side of the family and Im sorry for taking it out (NOT DELIBERATELY) on you! I love you corrie and I hope we can keep in contact better. Right now I'm in illinois taking care of my grandma. I've been down here for a month and I dont know how much longer I will be here. But I will make sure to give you a call when Im back in town. Me and Eli's dad are no longer together and I'm back with my ex fiance Shane. My mom finds out tomorrow whether SHE has cancer or not and jerry is possibly leaving for the army when he graduates next month. Joey is on the verge of juvi. Britt is still fine and dandy(great auntie) J.D. is still a work-a-holic, and CJ keeps getting older, taller, and sassier every day. Eli is crawlin, climbin, teethin, squakin, and sayin Momma and hi. He just keeps getting a better and funnier personality every day. He's definately a lil monster but he's a good baby. So there's an update for you. Like I said.. I dont know too much of what's going on with your mom... but Im sorry your going through what you are. I can only imagine. but anyway... I have to get going. again.. love you and miss you... I guess I'll talk to you later.


Granted a portion of her reply was somewhat nice and easy going and 'oh Corrie I love you' it pissed me off! I am so tired of all this crap! They've been invited to EVERYTHING they just don't come! They blow me off! ARGH!! So I may have gone off a little bit, but...here's what I wrote back.


I didn't want to put this in a comment, but I did want to write to you. Alana, neither side can be justified. When it comes down to it, your dad is just crappy. Invitations for things were HIS responsibility. He said he had passed so many things along to you, but that you had all not wanted to go. We can only push so hard. YOu yourself call him a dead beat dad. Missy's invitations were sent to him, because NONE of you give us any forwarding information about where the heck you are. I have had to hunt you all down time and time again! I have worked my butt off trying to make you feel like part of MY family, (my invitations go without response most times) when all I get in return is shunning from yours.

I love and treasure each and every one of you. You all are very angry with your dad, and so are we. Please don't blame me or my family for his mistakes. Every event has had your names on it, and it's your dad's fault that you didn't know that. We don't always know how to get in contact with you.

My mom is very sick. She was clinically dead a few weeks ago and I had to call 911. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I left a message on your brother's voicemail. No one called back. I am reaching, and reaching, and reaching. YOu can hold grudges all you want, but when it comes down to it, none of you have been there for any of us through some of the most horrific traumatizing times imaginable. My mom has been holding onto threads for too long, and I've begged and begged for you guys to come and see her. I just don't understand.

We all used to be so close! It can't just be me doing this, it just can't. I hope and pray and pray and pray that your mom doesn't have to go through a fraction of what we've gone through. Please don't let it be cancer...it eats the entire family alive, and I promise you....when you reach out to people, they tend to run in the opposite direction. I know you all did. It hurts like hell.

My mom is sick, she couldn't visit you when Eli was born. She wanted to. Things happen in your lives, and we go uninformed. Grandma has boxes of Christmas gifts and grad presents, waiting for invitations that never came. She never gives up...you can hate her all you want for stupid reasons, but she is one of the strongest women I have ever met.

My family aside, I personally am hurt by your endless accusations of us hurting you. I have tried SO HARD to keep some sort of bridge going. Please let go of the hate and bitterness, you're directing it at the wrong people. This is your dad's fault. You know it, I know it, he knows it. We have always wanted you and your siblings around ALWAYS. STOP DOUBTING THAT!!! The hurt you've experienced will not be forgotten. You are loved, and you are cherished, and you are prayed for every single day.

YOu are my family. All of your siblings are my family. My invitations won't stop, so stop saying you're not invited. You always have been. If the invites never reached you, that can't be our fault anymore. We learned the hard way that your dad is not the person to go through. He's not much of a dad to you either.

I love your mom, and praise her for raising all of you on her own. She's a very strong woman. I've always loved spending time with her, and want to as much as I possibly can...but the communication is one way these days. I'm doing my best. Stop hating me, and start returning the favor, okay? I'll never settle for losing any of you.

I love you Alana. I love all of you. Please...if you have wanted so badly to be included as part of the family, why have you never acted as part of the family? The road goes both ways. Meet me halfway.

Corrie

Okay, the end. Now I'm going to bed angrily to stare at the wall, burning imaginary holes through things I can't see in the dark... ARGH! I am in some mood this evening. Watch out!

Me

Me and Andi at Applebee's celebrating after Sunnie's graduation from St. Paul College. Yay for Sunnie!!! She took the picture, haha. It was a fun night!

I listened to an old favorite in the car this morning. "Spy" by The Moffatts. It struck me in a way it hasn't in the past. It was really enjoyable, actually. I could feel my eyes glaze over as I listened to it again for the first time, as corny as that may sound. Scott has that unique sound that I've always adored, and just to listen really LISTEN to the words made me feel like I was figuring something out. It's repetitive and a little long, but every second of it made me love it even more.

Seen through a blur on the wall
I feel so disillusioned of it all
I spy on myself
Through that blur on the wall
I feel so connected to my faults

And it's me that I am spying on
Without seeing all the things gone wrong
and it's me I am crawling from

I was telling Andi last night that I didn't think this would be me. And by me, I mean that I am now someone completely different than I grew up thinking I would be. So many things happen in life that make that person you envisioned completely obsolete, and I know that. It was just so strange. I do feel like I'm spying on myself. Not on the person I used to be, but the new one... like she's someone I barely know. I'm crawling away from myself too, because it's almost like I'm scared of getting to know her.

There are things that are happening every day that are not things that would have happened in the past, without this new version ofmyself. Things that could have been disasters are only ant hills now. Or maybe that it's just that I am going "without seeing all the things gone wrong"... which is entirely possible as well.

Do I know what love is? Does anyone? One thing I know is that Andi doesn't love me, nor should he after such a short time. I think BJ loved me at one point, but stopped a very long time ago.

Do I know how to love? I have no idea. I'm scared of people. I don't know if I've ever let anyone as close as I'd like to think I have. I love from a distance if at all.

Amber mistakenly accused me of acting my way through life, because she had misunderstood something I had said. Maybe in the heat of her moment she got it right. Maybe I don't let things close enough to be real. They used to be real. The first time my mom was really sick everything hit harder than it does this time. Why is that? Because I'm too prepared? Or is it because I'm not allowing it to be real, and I'd rather fake happy? Am I faking or is it real? At this point anything is possible. I don't know who is who at the moment...as far as the versions of me go.

Who can I dump this burden on, of helping to figure me out? God, of course. But how do I know if I'm open enough to listen? Sometimes I feel like I'm straining so hard to hear an answer that has already arrived, and I missed it. I'm probably looking too hard for things that are right in front of my face. I'm gonna find it one day and feel so stupid...just like I did with all those darn "Where's Waldo" books. I never found him first, it was always Stina. EVERY single time! Hahaha. Ah, childhood. How I long for it at times!

Life is exhausting when you're old enough and aware enough to see everything that's wrong with it. Then you have to choose to look and live beyond your faults and the faults of those around you and actually enjoy yourself. That's even MORE exhausting, but EVERYONE does it. Then I guess doesn't EVERYONE act their way through life? Shakespeare is a genius. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Which part should I play now?

Act 23 scene 1.... this is a very long play.

Lights up, and... ACTION!



... now what?

Thank you everyone for your comments. I was afraid I would be met with a backlash of hatred. Of course, I remember you, Jenny. I've met you more than once. Yes, at BJ's house. Again at your dorm (in the hallway) at a coffee shop performance...of course I remember you.

And to Carolyn... I haven't read your journal in quite awhile, so I caught up the other day. I'm lucky to have spent more than just a couple of hours with you, like you earlier stated. You and Kris were the first people I met in person! (With Wesley, of course)The nice long drive home from Birmingham. Lots of fun stories! Then you spent that evening with me, first at BJ's house, then at your own. Quite awhile later we spent a whole afternoon/evening together again, chatting for hours, and then attempting to watch Evita complete with fine dining of fried chicken. (It was yummy! Thank you!!!) I don't mean to correct your "couple hours" but just wanted to point out how much I enjoyed every last minute I spent with you.

And to BJ-- thank you for wanting me to be happy. I am. Sad that things had to end, and ultimately change for the better...but I know that we're doing the right thing. YOu were the first person to see me in that way, and you opened my eyes and my heart to a world of new adventures and possibilities. You are my treasure for that. Thank you, my darling friend.

And to Kelly -- you are my rock. I'm sorry for trying to push you down the side of the mountain. I should have known you were stronger than that. (And usually smarter than me...) I'm excited to exist in a mutual world! I love you!

To Andi-- who I don't think reads this at all but whatever... I'm excited to get to know you even better! Life is smiles with you.

And to everyone else-- THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!

Always,

ME

Hello world! I love movie scores. I just wanted to say that. (as I blast the soundtrack to "The Holiday" from my meager computer speakers...) It's some of the best music I've ever heard! I love it.

Life changes dramatically. I didn't mean to sound cheerful before delivering this news, but... I AM happy. And in some weird way this news is a part of that happiness.

BJ and I are no longer together. (As of awhile ago) In my opinion our relationship ended A LONG time ago, and I was holding onto it for all the wrong reasons. For months I would try to slip in "let's just be friends" and couldn't do it, the fear of being alone too overwhelming to even take a glimpse of a future without someone beside me.

Neither BJ or I were exactly happy, but were both willing to overlook that for the sake of the other. I honestly truly feel like our relationship aside from friendship was over a very very long time ago.

I don't say this to hurt BJ, it's just a truth I tried to ignore for a very long time. BJ was aware of it, seeing as how this past September he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. He changed his mind, and quite frankly I never got over it. I never trusted him again. It put an endless strain on the relationship...whatever it was.

I care about BJ and will always love him as a friend, but the romantic feelings twindled away slowly but surely. As much as I hate to admit it, I was miserable. I kept trying to make excuses, but I knew I KNEW that it wasn't right. I knew we weren't meant to be together. It was almost like God was beating me over the head with answers, and I just kept trying to shush him. Shushing Jesus! I wouldn't recommend it.

BJ was a good friend when he was able, but overall going through so many traumatic events...I needed someone to be here. The timing is awkward, but wonderful. I met someone.

I know this would ultimately hurt BJ, but I hope he too can move on and move forward with the REAL woman God has chosen for him. I know now that that woman wasn't me. I don't know if the new man in my life is the one for me either, but I'm willing to find out.

There are a lot of people out there who think that BJ is a saint, God's gift...but all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I can't tell you how many threats I've received from people "If you ever hurt him..." Well, by letting go of him, I'm saving him, I promise. This didn't happen as fast as it seems. I tried changing things and moving on too many times to count, but let fear get in the way. When I finally ended it, I felt like both he and I could breathe easy, knowing that there would be no more forced conversations, conceiling true thoughts and feelings. It was then that I felt lighter, newer, and different. In a good way! It was then that God opened my eyes to things that had been in front of me for far too long.

BJ and I remain friends, although I don't know how much of that will change after he reads this. We had a lot of bad memories, and a lot of good ones too. I'll focus on the good as I head out on this exciting new journey! I can't even tell you how excited I am about all of it. The new projects, new endeavors, new firsts. I'm actually giddy for the first time in a very long time. I feel real.

BJ, you and I learned a lot from each other. I hope that what you said to me was right. At the time you originally said it, it cut like a knife. But I really do think you were right when you said "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." So thank you for your honesty. I don't plan on cutting you out of my life, but I can't imagine you wanting to know too much right now. I know how much it can hurt, because we already experienced it once before. But this time, I think you know too that we're doing the right thing.

ANYWAY-- uncle Randy just got here from Tennessee, and I have some catching up to do!!

Love ya'll! G'night!

My uncles are arriving any day, and I am very excited about it! It will be good to have them here. My world is changing rapidly, and my mom is slowly returning to how she was before the nightmare last Sunday. Everything is so crazy with work though... Jason has been amazing covering my shifts and giving me time. I've had a lot of time to cry, to think, to strategize in some form... my mind is such a mess most days.

Two of the most amazing people are Ale and Jeremy, covering a LOT of shifts while Amber and I are both gone. Amber is on her honeymoon, whereas I am simply trying to not go insane. There are lovely things in life that I would almost call distractions, but they're not really. They ARE life. I don't just need distractions from the life I'm actually living, I'm discovering the life I've always wanted to live. That's incredibly exciting!

Every once in awhile I find myself drifting away, staring off into space thinking of everything and nothing. Thoughts just float on by, running across my mind in rapid succession. Then there will be the calming voice of reason asking what I'm thinking about, and the thoughts scatter, and I can't remember anymore. No matter how honest I feel, words still get trapped. I still can't say everything out loud. I'm afraid of the consequences.

Well, that's really all I've got to say for now. It doesn't matter if it makes any sense! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! That was my evil laugh.

Until necxt time then. Farewell!

THEY'RE NOT TUMORS! Praise God. There are spots caused by certain medications she's taking. NOTHING growing on the brain is good, but this is not as terrifying, and possibly treatable. She's having a lot of issues still, but there's more hope than there was before.

I really don't have much else to say, so we'll just leave it at that.

Thank you all for the well wishes, prayers and what not. All is appreciated! Especially Nikki. Hearing from you feels the best, it really does!! Probably because you're the furthest away. Hope to hear from you again soon!

Bye all.

You almost feel guilty when you find smiles in the midst of agony. Just yesterday I was pondering a question. What happens when you see directly in front of you everything you want in life? There's this horrific fear that you just won't be able to have it. So what happens? You take it, you revel in it, and you smile. Ah! It feels so good to smile! To smile and MEAN it!!

Mom is still down in the dumps. My uncles will be arriving this weekend, and I can't wait. Their wisdom astounds me at times. They'll be here to help with some of the heavy lifting. I can't wait to just...relax. That might sound terrible to some of you, but I haven't breathed in deep for a very, very long time.

More later. BYE!!!!!!!!

This roller coaster is too crazy to continue.

Sunday afternoon/evening my mom got a serious headache and began vomiting continually. She was forgetting names, words, and meanings.

My dad assumed the headache and nausea were the result of a terrible migraine. She was disoriented and confused.

Around 1:45 am my dad felt a jerk next to him in the bed. He turned on the light, my mom was having a seizure and her eyes were rolled back in her head. She was coughing out blood before she stopped breathing altogether. My dad screamed for help and I dialed 911. My dad performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. My mom was rushed to the hospital.

She was kept under with a breathing tube for a very long time. It wasn't until early this morning (Tuesday) That we even found out what was wrong.

There are multiple little tumors in my mom's brain. The only way to treat them is with extensive radiation. She's still very confused and disoriented, hugging doctors because she thinks they're related to her. She is not in high spirits, and to be perfectly honest I think the time for her to go home to heaven is a lot closer than some of us would like to admit. She doesn't want to die, and my dad thinks he has absolute control over everything, completely leaving God out of the equation.

Life sucks. There's not much else to say. My prayer is simple. I don't want to lose my mom, but if she is suffering... I want it to be over. I want for the Lord to just take her home.

You know my prayer. Choose your own, but please do pray.

I've watched the cursor blink for over fifteen minutes now. Is it because I have nothing to write about? Doubtful. Is it because I don't know WHAT to write about? Possible.

I've written three different paragraphs by now, and keep deleting them. The WHAT is really taking over my head right now. Here's another question. WHAT am I doing? In life, in love...

BJ is not moving to Minnesota. Now what? We're waiting for a someday. I'll be honest. I don't want to wait for someday. I'm alone NOW. I've tried to somewhat break-up with BJ about three times now. Every time I get close I break down into tears and take it all back. Why am I doing it in the first place? Maybe because it's better. But maybe it isn't. The thing that crushes me is when he asks me that same question over and over again. "Is that what you want?" I can hear him hold his breath waiting for my answer. I've searched my head, I've searched my heart. I don't know what I want anymore. I try to turn to God to gain wisdom on not what I WANT but what I NEED. I don't think I am either willing or able to listen for the answer. My head just won't clear.

I figured out part of it last night. BJ was going to move regardless of his financial situation. He's more willing to take the risk of having to give up and go home if it meant spending a little more time together. I, however told him that would break my heart. That THAT goodbye would kill me. So he's taken my advice and decided not to make a move until he's financially stable. Sounds responsible. And in all honesty it was my idea. Doesn't mean I like it! But maybe I do..

I know BJ and I know that the move...if it ever happens will be very far off. So that's why I feel like I'm trying to let him go. One thing I know and feel in my heart is that he wouldn't be happy here. I can see him getting severely homesick. He's never lived anywhere but Montgomery. He's never lived without his family. I can't ask him to give all of that up...because what will undoubtedly happen is he will have to choose, and it won't be me. His circumstances will slowly lead to his resentment of me, and my mutual resentment of him for resenting me!

One of us has to give up everything we've ever known. I tried that once, and I failed miserably. Now it's come to the point where I realistically CANNOT move. My itty bitty family needs me here. What now? WHAT now?

I can't give him up. I tried, and the pain was unbearable. He's my best friend. But a long distance relationship only works if it's not long distance indefinitely. Kelly's getting prepared to have a daunting long distance relationship, and she's scared. But Tim's absence promises a return, whereas BJ's is a someday. A maybe. A we'll see. I want to think that I'll be able to set a really good example for Kelly, and how to handle everything. But I know her, I know me...and I just don't know if I could say or do anything to prove that YES! This will work for you, it's easy! It's not. It sucks. It breaks your heart over and over again. Every morning I wake up and then I have to realize AGAIN that I can't see the one person I want the most, and my heart breaks again. The pain never dulls, it gets sharper.

When I first fell in love with BJ all of this was easier. He was my first love, so everything was new! It didn't matter as much how much of a distance was between us, as long as we loved each other.

Now with life and circumstances how they are...it matters more and more and more. I NEED him here. He NEEDS me there. And neither of us can make it happen for the other. Now what? NOW WHAT????

Our conversations have become surface and unengaging. if we pull back that easy layer there's a sea of darkness, sadness, pain and DRAMA. It all seems so unnecessary, and somehow unavoidable. So we keep it simple. Every once in awhile there's a crack in the surface, and I'm usually the first one to fall through it. Those falls seem more frequent lately with things being how they are.

It's a tough world when your mom comes into your room in the middle of the night seeking comfort. Suddenly you're the parent, and your mother the child. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that role reversal. Even me! Who experienced it too many times the last time we all went through this. She craves peace, but I still feel like the child, and I will never have enough knowledge to fix it. She says her focus is on the Lord, but I don't think she is being truthful. Her focus is on her fears, and they are completely controlling her every thought. I'm a lot like my Mama.

Yesterday she laughed, got dressed, and spent the day out with a friend, getting her hair done. The tears I cried yesterday afternoon were the first ones with a happy motivation behind them. She was smiling from ear to ear. The first smiles I've seen that didn't transform into frowns and sobs a minute later. I pray they stay.

This journal is too often overcome with melancholy... but this is the only place i have to get it out without interruption. If I'm speaking I have to defend every word I say. Something is almost an argument. There's peace in writing. I wish I could do it more often.

until then...

Hello world! Quick update before I head off to work. Mom came home from the hospital yesterday. She's still fairly doped up, but overall doing pretty good. She gets to be on dialysis three times a week, so that's fun! We have to monitor her liquids very closely!

She has no kidneys...which just amazes me. God made us so we can function with parts of our bodies missing. Incredible! That, and the technological advances he helped out with to insure that the body could do just that. It's just hard to imagine. One day we hope that she will be able to find a kidney donor, but until then...we've kinda got our work cut out for us! But it's so worth it when it means no more cancer!

IN other news, I am now brunette. Sunnie and I both get kinda down when the parents are gone (weird, I know) So Saturday night, we had the place to ourselves, and could have gone WILD... instead we went to Cub and bought Mom some grape juice and me a box of light brown hair dye. When I get down and restless, I have to change something. Most often times that change becomes my bedroom, but I just did that...so I changed my hair instead.

Anyway! Here's the photographic evidence!




So that's all for now. More later! A bientot! Au Revoir! Later Taters! See ya! Time to go to work...indeed! *sigh* I am sleepy, therefore I sigh... goodbye!

When I have time, I hope to re-cap the entire week that BJ was here. Until then, I will leave you with a FANTASTIC picture! BJ recovered it from my almost dead cell phone, and it's a true treasure. He then used a beloved program of his to get it off said phone, onto my lap top, which he then e-mailed to himself on my dad's comp, so dad could print it off so we could frame it (with a frame BJ bought) to give to mom as a pick-me-up.

Without further ado...I give you Captain Jack and my Mama!!




Until next time friends, farewell!

I shall start out by saying, thank GOD B.J. is here!! It's been vital!

After mom's initial diagnosis, they rediagnosed her with a much more grim possibility. The cancer was worse than they had thought. If it had spread further than the kidney and into the bones, it was terminal, and there would be nothing they could do. My mom had a bone scan the other day, and we recieved the results this afternoon.

IT HASN'T SPREAD!!!!!!

Praise the LORD! Now, they will still have to remove mom's one remaining kidney, and she will be on dialysis for quite a few years. They have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE there is no cancer anywhere in her body before they even consider the possibility of a donor.

It's not gonna be fun, but it is SOOO much better than terminal cancer! Thank you to everyone for the prayers. We all know prayer works, and my mom, my family and I will once again be gracious recipients of those marvelous happenings!

So, that's the update for now. BJ and I have been having a blast...being in love and all that jazz! Kelly is in New York living it up and hopefully buying me lots of cool stuff because I couldn't go!!!!!!!!! Hahaha.

Later taters! Love ya!

-Me!

They found new cancer on my mom's remaining kidney. Right now it's operable, but still serious. There's also something that looks like a kinda scary blood clot. She's in good spirits. She's happy they caught it early, and she doesn't feel sick like she did last time.

Please keep my mom in your prayers. She only has the one kidney! So far it hasn't spread, and let's pray it stays that way!!

I love that...when you're laughing too hard to stand up. It's the best medicine in the world!

ANYWAY! Happy Sunday all! Off to church, and then to granny's. Lovely! My stomach hurts, though. Blah. I went to Red Robin last night for the first time, with Sunnie, Paul, Mom and Dad. It was fun! I really liked it. But I filled up on the unlimited steak fries and bites of everyone else's food before taking a bite of my own.

Work is good. BJ IS HERE IN 2 WEEKS! And now...I'm gonna finish getting dressed!

BYE!

Star Wars Horoscope for Sagittarius

You are superbly wise and have been known to spread your wisdom widely. You are impatient and pushy when people take your teachings too lightly. And your philosophical side always peeks through. Star wars character you are most like: Yoda

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Well...let's see. I have a lot to say I think...we'll see what happens. We are no longer going to New York. I think it's a good thing though. Kelly is instead going by herself, because she can actually afford to do it. BJ and I are spending the week doing stuff around good ol' WBL. He can see where I work now, we can do the things we didn't have time for in the past...I think it's valuable. Had we decided on going to New York, we wouldn't have been able to spend one single second on our own. With our relationship being how it is, that alone time is kinda crucial right now. He gets here March 25th! I can't wait!

FLC is finally getting the drama program up and running. They're gonna let me call it Plan See! The website will have a real function! Color me excited! It's gonna be a lot of work, but I am so ready for it!

The new job at Dunn Bros. is working out pretty well. For awhile I wasn't so sure. It's really awesome to see Amber on a regular basis, but there were a few very resistant employees. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. There were a lot of rumors and crazy accusations flying around, and I was actually being referred to as the "NAZI"!!! Isn't that hilarious? To anyone who knows me...it's quite funny. And it was all just rumors! None of them had actually worked with me! They would trade their shifts because they were too afraid! I laugh. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Last night I went back to work three hours after my shift to help Amber with the price adjustments on all the menu boards. It was fun just hanging out and stuff like that, but after awhile some awkward subjects came into the conversation. For quite awhile now, Amber has been filling me in on the latest goings on with her wedding. I couldn't be happier for her! Of course...I wish it were me...but that's just how it goes. Talk of bridesmaid dresses, her maid of honor, the invitations, the napkins, the flower girl... and then there's me, wishing that I would have meant more to her to have been involved in all of it. But I've done the same thing with Amber that I've done with every other friend I've ever had.

I like to pretend that we're closer than we are. Sometimes I just sit by myself and think about all the people I've ever known in my entire life...and put them in a mental list. Where do they fall on how close we really are? How much can I depend on them? How much can they depend on me? Amber has told me all about her maid of honor, Bridget. She is the most loyal person Amber has ever known. No matter what, Bridget is there for her friends. I thought about me...and how I am with my friends. I'd like to think I'm a Bridget...but I've never had anyone test that theory. No one has ever been close enough.

For weeks now I've just pushed agonizing thought aside, and was residing happily in the idea that I was being included at all! But then Amber decided to tell me that she really DOES want me to be involved, and has wanted me to be involved... but didn't know how or in what capacity. Also that even before I worked with her, she was hoping I would. She knew that both managers could not just disappear for a weekend for a wedding. Maybe she thought that by asking, I would have turned down the job to preserve my "friend status" in her wedding.

I've always had a hard idea that I could ever be a somebody to anybody. She asked me who I think I am, and why I think I'm a nobody, and the best I could come up with was "I'm just me" as if that would justify why I truly whole heartedly believe that I have no astounding quality about myself that would make me absolutely necessary to anyone...in any function!

I can't stress enough how heart breaking it was to attend...just ATTEND Lurae's wedding. I was once her very best friend. Granted I was replaced time and time again...but to have just been a guest...? I couldn't breathe through the entire ceremony. I practically broke BJ's hand trying to keep it all down, deep inside. Wear the smile, hide the sob. I know it will be the same with Nikki. I was an extremely relevant SOMEBODY to her at one point...and I will be a guest at best.

I hold onto people too tight. Even when they are done with me completely...I still feel left out. I still remember every detail of how it was and think about how it would have could have been. I've tried to figure out what it is about me that makes me such a temporary fixture in people's lives.

When I told Amber that I was just me...a nobody to most, she reminded me that I was a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend...and my mind had an instant rebuttal to every objection. I am a daughter. No matter how many times I have introduced myself to extended family members, I am known strictly as Penny's daughter. I am a sister. To this DAY there are people in every single aspect of my life that refer to me as not Corrie, but as Sunnie's sister. Kelly's sister. Why even try? I am a girlfriend. It wasn't long ago that that identity was completely compromised, when BJ fought with the idea that he no longer loved me. I was almost a nobody to him as well.

I'm not as down and out as all that. I have healthy attitudes about many different avenues...it's when these thoughts are brought up by someone else, that I find it difficult to escape. Hence the writing. Get it out, and get it done.

To become a somebody, I have left the nobody behind. I've lived in different states, looking for consistent validation. Living alone in Opelika probably lead to the demise of the Alabama endeavor, simply because I was exactly that! Alone. I used to boast my ability to entertain myself. I loved the quiet. Not anymore... I enjoy "down time" but being involved in a long distance relationship really heightens your sense of loneliness.

I've also started projects that involve no one who has ever made me feel invisible. It's just me! FLC drama program...no drama allowed? Ha! That would be funny.

One tough pill to swallow is that some of the things I always counted on, are just never going to happen. When I moved to WBL in 4th grade, I imagined having a best friend like I did in Roseville. Call each other every single day, spend the night every weekend... grow up together. Like in the books and movies I always adored growing up. That way, everyone would always have a someone! No one would ever be alone. So many times, I've watched Nikki and company par-tay across the street. It's not always strictly family, as I've seen fellow ex-best friend LuRae frequent many Grandparent hosted occasions. One day, while listening to them laugh...I thought to myself. "Oh well...maybe later" A good thought. A comforting thought. A common thought. It was then I realized that later had already happened. My chance for that kind of friendship is already gone. It was really depressing. *laughs*

Slowly but surely other realizations have brought themselves upon me. While listening to Amber talk about her big day, it's come to my attention that I'll never be a maid of honor. I'm not that ONE person to anyone. Kelly might say I am, but I'm her sister. It just isn't...the same. Before I left for Alabama, Amber and I agreed that had we known each other beforehand...we very well could have been best friends. But that's the story of me! Could have been...

This isn't all about Amber. This is every relationship I've ever had! Growing up...I never really changed. So I got boring. That's my explanation anyway. Best friend Sarah traded me in time and time again. I lost count of the GIGANTIC arguments we've had over the years. She would come around and ask me to forgive her, and I would, and we'd be pals again...for awhile. But she moved on to a completely different lifestyle...one that I would never fit into.

Nikki is a world traveler, and no matter how many times she complained about the hurt LuRae seemed to inflict on her, they remain best friends to this day. Each other's maids of honor. (Nikki might argue that her sister will be her MOH, but I guarantee LuRae will be heavily be involved. I however, will make the guest list. That's just the way it is.) Granted they've both grown up... they were different people back then.

When mom got sick everyone disappeared, and it was my turn to trade up and trade in. I went to the ever popular theater crowd. When I realized they were actors on AND off the stage, they all shunned me for eternity. Oh well...I think I like it better that way. I couldn't deal with disappointing them day in and day out with my tragically mundane personality. And I am not good at pretending to be THAT girl.

After said sickness...I never recovered. I have trust issues to the max, and will never quite be able to figure out anyone true intentions. I'm always looking for a back story...and probably missing the big picture altogether. I'm cursed!

I have BJ...and after our crash and burn in September...I'm still trying to walk straight. Every day is a struggle to try to look past the past. I love him.

Well...now that a new mini novel has presented itself...I think I will now go shower, and shake all these deep thoughts out of my brain. Time for work soon. I need to re-adopt the happy go lucky Corrie. The funny one. Nobody likes the deep one. We learned that lesson in the teenage years, didn't we Corrie? Yes we did. Notice the lack of poetry journals. Ha! Good thing I wrote in pencil. They're almost completely rubbed away now. That's one version of me I'm honestly glad is invisible.

TTFN.

SO! Lots has happened. BJ did a good job summing up some stuff. Check out his livejournal. (Link to the right) Aside from that, I am no longer a Caribou employee...and at the moment, no longer a Lakeshore Players employee. I am now the new assistant manager of Dunn Bros. in Hugo. Laugh all you want! At least I didn't go back to the same store! AND...the benefits are nice. AND...I get to work with AMBER!!!! She's technically my boss, but...she's also like...my bestest pal! So it's GREAT!

What else is going on? Oh yeah. Kelly, BJ and I are driving to New York at the end of March. I think. Money is up in the air, travel accomodations yet to be made. Although we would be staying with the Pomeroys for FREE so that's fantastic.

I don't feel as dead anymore, working the 12 hours. I'm sure the money will be less, but I've only been doing it for a week. We'll see what happens!

And now, since I have nothing better to do... I shall post a random picture!


That's Cairo getting a bath! So that's all folks! I shall be more interesting later.