Hello all! Long time no write, I know. The play ended wonderfully. The cast parties were a blast on Friday and Saturday! On Saturday, Tim and Tim came to see the show. I had been having a..."problem" before they got there. Joel came to the show, and of course...I hoped for the impossible, and was too scared to do anything about it. Ashley came to the Friday show, and when I was on stage, she was the only person not looking up. So you can only guess how that went. Oh, well. I'm sick of trying.

I've spent my whole life worrying about other people. When the story ends, I end up by myself, left behind in the dust. I give too much of myself away, and stupid, stupid me...sometimes I let myself believe I might get the same in return. Never. Stupid hope...it's abandoned me before, I wish it would now. Sometimes hope seems overwhelmingly overrated. Hoping sets you up for unbelievable disappointment if you ask me.

I didn't let it get to me...too much. I will tell you this though. On Saturday, I figured Joel would come. He always goes to the last show. However, I was not as prepared as I would have liked to believe I was to see both Tim and Joel at the same time. I hadn't seen Tim Beier since my party way back in March. We've resolved things online, but come now. Online drama! Good glory. So I wasn't as ready as I thought. On top of those already rather difficult scenarios, bad things had been happening to me all day, which just kept weighing me down, and making me weaker and weaker...too weak to handle the approaching evening. I had what I can only describe as a panic attack after Tim and Tim got there. I had to quickly excuse myself, so everything I had been holding in forever didn't burst out in front of the entire audience.

I rushed backstage, and found Kaitlin, who knows almost everything about everything. I told her I couldn't do it...any of it. (She knew what I was talking about, I won't record it here) and then I just burst into tears. I stopped handling everything momentarily. Sometimes you just have to let it out. I need to do it more often, methinks. Anyway, there was suddenly a circle of support around me. Gosh, I love theater. Megan Koegel was there, and she has become extremely important. She seemed as if she were about to cry when I gave her a thank you gift and a card. I gave her Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Piglet beanies dressed up as the Beatles. (They no longer sell the Eeyore Ringo...) I think Megan knew what I was talking about, when I had said to Kaitlin back there "I try so hard to make things better. I've done it all my life, but no one else wants to even try. They'd rather shun me and blame me for things I had no control over. I put myself in too many stupid situations, and they all catch up with me at the same time. I can't win." Megan growled, and shook her head. I thought she was mad at me. I guessed she wasn't when she came to check on me in the dressing room to make sure I was okay, and told me "I love you so much!" and we laughed.

After I composed myself, I realized I was supposed to be onstage soon to introduce the show, thank people, etc etc. I ran around to the front of the theater, and swung the door open. My jaw dropped as I realized Holly was already talking onstage. Then she shouted "There she is! Eeryone turn and point!" So everyone in the audience turned around and looked at me, applauding. When I got up on stage, I was presented with a beautiful bouquet of roses from my cast and crew. After our "speech" I went back into the audience and sat between Tim and Tim. Beier asked if I was better now. I lied, and said yes. Lying is never good, but he doesn't want to know about my problems, so what was I supposed to say? I loved having Klecker around me again. We had a blast watching the play, it's hysterical afterall. I was so proud of them. Klecker and I had fun remembering events from our own theater experiences.

After the play, I had to lock up. Which means waiting for everyone else to leave. Klecker and I layed on the couch on stage, and tried in vain to recite our favorite scene from "Harvey". We picked up right where we left off with our Mary/Edward routine. I miss him so much...

Well, I don't want to make this a long entry. I'm not even supposed to be online right now! Yes, I know. Total rebel... the party that night was right by my house! I didn't know that until we got there. I showed Lauryn my room. Tim and Tim came with me. I talked to my mom, told her where we were, how late it would go. She claims that never happened...which is why Sunnie and I got in huge trouble/kicked out/grounded/yelled at/screamed at....because we never called. i walked home instead, but mom says I never did...oh well. They make me laugh. My dad isn't speaking to us, I guess. All the better for us if you ask me!

After the cast party, Tim and Tim came over and hung out in my room for a little while. It was fun, and I hope we can hang out again soon. I didn't realize how much I truly missed Klecker until he had to leave again...*whines*! ANYWAY....yesterday was set strike. I hid from the work like I usually do. Lauryn and I hid in the costume loft and told each other our life stories. It was very fun! I love her so much...she's great. She and I are SERIOUSLY going to do a lot of stuff this summer. So are the other "Cocktails" people. Never ending cast party this summer! Yeah, baby! Brett, Kaitlin, Kyle, Nicole, Lauryn, Drew and I all went to Applebee's last night. We were there for hours! It was so much fun. I love those guys, man. I love hanging out with Drew, too. I never knew I would. He wants to be a writer. Need I say more? *laughs* He said he wanted the advice of a professional. We all talked with him about his current girlfriend problems. He and I ended up talking about it one on one in the parking lot. We "took a walk". Because I was the only person who has actually conversed with his girlfriend. Never in a million years would I think that Drew Combs would ever want to "Talk to me privately" *laughs* If that would have happened early last year, Sunnie woud have slaughtered me! He's gonna do a lot of stuff with us this summer, too! Never ending cast party yo yo yo! Movie fests, beach parties, costume parties! And of course the banquet! I don't think I've ever been this close with an ENTIRE cast before. Not ever, i don't think. I love them all soooooo much. Lauryn and I are already going through withdrawal. We already planned out a time for me to call her today. She's....so amazing. One of my best friends, I can honestly say. I gave her something I never told anyone about. The something I had in my pocket everytime I got a part in a play. It's legendary. Well, anyhoo....after Applebee's, I came home, then Kelly and I went to the last showing of "Identity". Kelly really liked it. I didn't like it as much as I hoped I would. It was...eh...okay. Then we went to Perkin's at around 11 something. Then I fell asleep...then I woke up this morning, watched Dawson's Creek for 4 hours, while cleaning the house. Then my mom woke up. Joy joy joy...enough said. And so now, I am done writing in here. I shall write again when something interesting happens! Later, over and out. Peace, yo!