Hello any and all. So... BJ's visit. It happened. It's over now. I won't do a day by day play by play (if you want those details, check out his livejournal. His SN is livin4god1983)because I don't really have the time. I'm at the library. The last time I was here, I was here with BJ. Everything reminds me of him...

It was a good week, but of course it was the best at the end. Everything is so much more empty now. Half of me went away it seems. Every night when he was here, we'd start to fall asleep in my room watching a movie, or just talking, whatever, and then I'd move into Sunnie's room. Well, last night I couldn't fall asleep. I was too used to him being there, so when I woke up this morning, I realized all of my pillows and blankets were pushed up against the wall in a very BJ-like formation. There was even a blanket partially rolled up exactly in the shape of his arm under my head. It was pathetic. I'm pathetic. I know it.

The week started with me being scared of everything. EVERYTHING. It ended with me so unbelievably comfortable that I couldn't imagine today. (the first day without him here)

I really don't know what else to say. I'm sure that everyone who cares has already begged me for details, or has made plans with me to beg me for details at a later date.

I feel so strange. It's like I cut off a limb and actually expect to be able to funtion normally without it. It's definitely going to take some time. There are too many things we planned on doing and didn't do, or couldn't do. It feels incomplete. I have a feeling that it always will. Just like we said before:

(BJ) "It wasn't long enough."

(ME) "But what IS long enough?"

(BJ) "Exactly."

Enough said. It's the truth too. Whatever happens in the future, it will happen. I know that. Everyone has a different opinion about the entire thing, but I know I'm in love with him...and I know that we've put ourselves in a terrible situation. Like I said to him the day he left: "Why are we doing this to ourselves? We're so mean."

So anyway, I'm kinda miserable, and it's impossible to be content with phone calls now. I'm a crazy person. But my Grammy was telling me how she was apart from Grandpa for 13 months at a time, and she had to wait weeks between each letter. No phone calls. I guess I really shouldn't be complaining. It could be worse. A LOT worse. But right now it feels terrible, and I want to wallow in that thank you very much.

So that's all for now I guess. More complaining later.

Me