I went to work today at 5am as usual. It was storming outside. Adam was telling everyone his plan to propose to his girlfriend in a couple of months. All the girls were like "aww...that's so cute..." and I was just...annoyed. I mean, it WAS cute.
A few times a year, Adam and his family go to his uncle's ranch, go horseback riding, and do a scavenger hunt. They hide stuff for each other all over the ranch, and they have to find them all. Well, one of the things on his girlfriend's list to find will be a certain bucket or whatever, and in that bucket or whatever, will be the ring box. Awww...so sweet. I just wanted him to shut up.
Jon was talking about all the surprises he had lined up for his wife's birthday. Be quiet be quiet be quiet! I don't want to hear it! Or do I? I don't know. I'm just all around crabby. I try to make myself believe it's just because of sugar week, but I don't know.
I'm not suicidal, I have no interest in hurting myself...but sometimes I wonder if I'm "all there". I don't know... just things I notice myself doing sometimes. I never wear a seatbelt. I don't consciously refuse, but I know I remember to, and ignore it. Stupid little things like that.
The thing that struck me the most, was when we were on the cruise ship. It was so beautiful. I couldn't describe the feelings that went through me when I would walk along the boat deck. It was something I had dreamed about doing so many times, and I would be thrilled to do it again and again. However...I would stand there by myself, staring down at the water. We were cutting through it and it was falling away like broken glass, and the sound of the water against the side of the ship was so smooth and calming...I wanted to jump in. It was the strongest, strangest urge to just...fall off. It wasn't a "I want to end it all and jump" kind of feeling...it was almost normal. It was so strong, it was alarming. It doesn't make any sense.
The whole time I was on that ship I was wishing I was someone else. Anyone else. The sunsets above the water were the most romantic things I had ever seen. Kelly wanted to sleep, so I had no choice but to dwell on how lonely I felt. I did feel lonely. I had wanted someone there with me...but not just anybody.
Anyway... life is getting into that routine again. That boring...blahness. It's not unpleasant, and the days are not without their own spectacular moments... but it isn't right. There are definitely things missing. I'm pretty sure I know what they are. I just don't know if I'm brave enough to go after them. I much prefer the idea of them coming after me, but I know life doesn't work that way.
I feel so uncomfortable with myself sometimes. I stare in the mirror and wonder why what I see is so different everyday. Somedays I honestly think "Huh...not too shabby." Other times, it's like "Gross! Nasty! Ugh! I can't even look at you." And then there are the pictures. Every single picture of myself I see, I despise. I guess that's normal. But seriously! I can't stand a one of em! Every picture...it's honestly like "I look like that? Really? I didn't think I looked like that when I saw myself in the mirror that day. Wow...that's unfortunate. We must have those 'lying' mirrors all over the house."
I'm not vanity obsessed, and I'm not constantly primping or anything of the sort, but I'm a girl nonetheless, and constantly afraid that I won't be able to meet people's expectations.
Lately, people have been telling me how "beautiful" I am, and how "cute" I am, and I think they're all on drugs. I don't know how to believe them! It's just ridiculous! Coming from mom it's like...liquid lies. So syrupy and sweet that it makes me gag. Yeah right I'm your "beautiful girl". And my dad? SHEESH! He's...odd. He tells me I look sexy. Not from your FATHER! Geez...
Kelly told me she thinks I'm 'way prettier' than her. HAH! Bet she doesn't think that now...but before she did. She told me that in Florida. She told me one of the reasons she didn't really want me to meet Kris (at the time) was that she was afraid he would like me better than her. That's funny...
I guess I'm too hard on myself...I'm too critical. That's what I'm told. I guess I'm just scared of being...unacceptable. For what? Life. Oh, well. I can fix it. I think...
Anyway...there are a lot of things I want right now. Things that seem so attainable and so impossible at the same time. How can it look so close and be so far away? At least I have a positive...something. There's one thing I know I want for sure. Really really bad. I'm hoping God wants me to have it. I ask him everyday. "Please God. Please let this be right." I really hope and pray it is.
Well, I'm at the library, spending some much needed time by myself outside of work and home...which is more work. Sunnie is doing well, Paul is waiting on her hand and foot. Lucky gal. I want to be taken care of...anyway.
So that's that. Enough rambling. I obviously needed to say something though...clear my head. Not that that's possible, but it's an idea. A subconcious 'i babbled for a long time, so I must have made something better' kind of thing.
So! That's that. The end. For now.
Me
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