My, how things change.

There's so much going on right now, but I just can't write it down. We'll get to some things later, I'm sure. Right now, however, there's something I'd like to address. I drove to Montgomery today to visit BJ's family for Debra's birthday. When I got here, BJ told me he had a visit at Oaktree. The visit was from Laura's mother. Apparently Laura DOES read my journal, and was offended by an earlier entry. She showed the entry to her mother, who went to speak to BJ on Laura's behalf. So...

To Laura (and her Mother) --

First of all, I really was unaware that Laura read this journal. To be quite honest, I can't help but wonder why. Then I put myself in her place, and yes...I would be curious too. I am sorry if you were offended by what I wrote. I almost wish you had known me at the time I started this journal. Throughout my life, I have hidden away things rather than say them out loud. I was quiet, shy... soft spoken. I never said anything to anybody. When I started this journal, I made a vow that I would never do that again. I warned people that if they didn't know what was going on in my head, that they really shouldn't read it. It's my JOURNAL... I write about my life, and what's good and bad within it at a certain moment in time. I know you never encountered my dramatic warning, but that's me nonetheless.

When I first met BJ, he told me about your relationship. As our relationship has continued, I've learned more and more. Sometimes more than I think I would like to know. A lot of it has been hard to handle. I had a lot of things swimming around in my head. Everything I've given to BJ has been a first for me. Whereas everything he's given to me has been a second. He says it doesn't feel that way to him, but hopefully you can understand where I'm coming from.

In the entry that offended you I mentioned that I didn't know you personally. I only have what his friends and family have told me to go by. I understand that this is not fair to you. Of course they're going to say things about me to make me look better. I'm here NOW... it's nice to hear, I admit it... but that doesn't exactly mean it's true. I know you had a lot of wonderful times with BJ and his family. Sometimes I wish they really were ALL bad...but I know that's not the case.

Laura, I am jealous of you. You got a lot of firsts from BJ that I'll never have. Sometimes I feel threatened for no good reason. I've struggled with it a lot. Especially after what Kris said in BJ's journal. Being me and having experienced my life and all its drama (believe me... you don't want to know... ) I thought maybe you still wanted to be with BJ, and that statement would give you the "green light" so to speak, to go for it. I know you never gave any indication of that whatsoever, and I've never even communicated with you... but being completely isolated from anything and everything I've ever known has really turned me into a nutcase (at times...)

I want you to know I respect you and your history with BJ. I know a lot of things went wrong in that relationship, mistakes on both your part and BJ's. I also want you to know that I really truly love him, and he has rescued me from so many things I thought I would never be able to recover from. Because of you, BJ has learned and grown so much. You helped mold him into the man of my dreams. I am forever in your debt...in some strange way. I really truly sincerely thank you, Laura.

I'm sorry you were hurt by that other entry...I'm glad your family wanted to protect you. I wish I had my family right now. I have to tell you that the only reason I wrote all that, is because that's what I do. I'm a writer, Laura. I've struggled with BJ's past for a long time, and only wrote about it once. That's the only way I know how to fix things. If I don't write them down, they never get better. I wrote down all of the things BJ told me about your relationship (minus some things out of respect) and since you didn't hear it from him, it seemed wrong. I don't blame you for that. I shouldn't speak on his behalf... but he and I are a united front.

In the future, don't be afraid to confront me on anything. I admit I was angry that your Mother felt it necessary to tattle on me to BJ. I didn't think it was fair for either of you to think you had that right. (Especially since BJ both knew and supported my entry. He thought it was healthy.) I was under the impression that there was no communication between the families. If you find any other reason to contact BJ about me, I urge you to come to me first. If that seems weird to you, don't let it. It will probably be the weirdest for BJ.

I thanked you in the other entry, and I'll do it again. I hope you learned just as much as he did. I'm sorry if you felt your past was broadcasted through my journal. Honestly, Laura... aside from BJ, my sister Kelly, and maybe two friends... no one reads this. I've lost touch with everyone. That's part of the reason why I feel so isolated. So if you feel even further offended by me reaching out to you through my journal... I didn't know another way to go about it.

God Bless you, Laura (And your mom, I apologize I don't know your name) and I am sorry for hurting you. I hope and pray your life is joyful and truly happy. If you feel like you need to talk to me, or BJ...

director@plansee.org

Thank you.

-Corrie