I had coughing attacks all night last night. I wonder if anyone heard me. probably not. I woke up this morning, and every possible sadness was hanging over my head. It seeped into my bones, my muscles...I couldn't move. I lay there for hours. Bj called back and forth in between things he had to do. I read some things, I cleaned up my room. I didn't leave my bedroom until 12:30. I got yelled at for that.
I've felt like this before. Every time I have, I've ruined somebody's day. Last time it happened, my mom told me nobody wants to be around you when you're like this. So, I thought I would avoid it altogether. I just didn't come out of my room.
I'm just so sad. So many things seem so hopeless. I'm so scared of ruining what I don't even have! I don't want to say goodbye ever again to anyone. I've recently found so many people that I haven't talked to in a long time. I thought that would make it better. I thought I would be better. I'm still alone.
I stayed in my room so I would be liked for the rest of the day. My chest hurt from all the heaving. The air is thick and humid, and it seeps in and chokes me over and over again. I wish they understood how that felt. I'm not making it up.
I flipped my calendars over today. They had been in Alabama with me too. On the calendar this month are things that brought me to tears. Places I was supposed to be, things I was supposed to go to. I'm not a part of those memories to be made anymore. I'm here. On the calendar is written "1 yr first kiss" on July 11th. 2 days later is BJ's birthday. He'll be 23. July 22nd is BJ's grandparents 50th anniversary party. They had me mark it on my calendar months in advance, so I would be sure to go.
Today is Kelly's move in day. I walked downstairs once or twice. She was piling all of her belongings in the entry way. She's very excited. A couple of weeks ago, I was with Jessie Coffey. She was telling me about her new furniture she was getting. I asked her if Kelly could have the old stuff. She was going to give it to someone else, but I convinced her Kelly needed it more. I got my big sister some furniture.
The only thing Kelly asked me to do today was call Jessie. Jessie has an annoying ability to make me talk, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to pour out what was on my heart. I just wanted to be quiet. There's nothing wrong with that. I asked Kelly to call her herself, like she had said she would yesterday, and the day before. It wasn't my responsibility. True, my motivation for saying that was selfish. I didn't want to be probed. I just wanted silence. Plus, I didn't know when, how, or where, so i didn't know what information Kelly expected me to gain on her behalf by me making the phone call.
She god mad, complained to dad, they both were mad. Everyone was complaining about me. No one asked me to help, but they were furious that I wasn't helping. I just wanted to stay out of the way. I didn't want to make the day miserable, like mom says I do all the time. Do I really make everyone so unhappy?
I'm so unhappy. I'm compeltely miserable. God is saying wait to everything I ask him. God's timing, God's timing. I just have to wait for God's timing. No one seems to understand that I'm actually going through something right now... and I'm not out to ruin anybody's day, rather I'm just trying to get through it myself.
Kelly complained to mom and dad yet again about Alabama. She did everything for me, paid for everything, supported me to no end. YOU'RE WONDERFUL KELLY! YOU'RE PERFECT KELLY! YOU ARE THE BEST DARN SISTER IN THE WORLD! Are you happy now? Were you in the same apartment I was? The food you bought? You ate most of it. The gas you paid for? You were in the car for almost 100% of it. No, I didn't have any money, but financially is not the only way to support someone. I talked you through all of your hysterics, I supported your decisions with Benlee. I defended you to no end, I confronted Benlee about things while you stood off to the side. I went through Charlie Kendall for you. I did everything I could to make it better, I just didn't have the $$$ to flash in front of your face and prove that I was worth the air I breathed. SOOOOO sorry!
I am trying to make it up to her. I just wanted to hide from life today, I wasn't refusing to help anyone. No one asked me to! Dad called me down and said he just couldn't understand how selfish I was. Kelly had done absolutely everything for me in Alabama. He said I had no sense of honor. I owe her to no end, and yet I "refused" to help her. I got her the furniture, I didn't know how or when she wanted to pick it up, and I told her that...but she wouldn't respond. That's worth telling me I have no sense of honor? I am doing what I can. Buying you a Superman cup isn't paying your car payment, but it's what I can do. A millionaire can buy a house for the homeless...but if a homeless person gives a millionaire his only coat, which is the bigger gift? You had money, I didn't. YOu had over $1,000 and I had pennies. I did what I could. I gave you shifts. Money I desperately need to start paying people like YOU back... but I am TRYING to make it up to you.
You're never going to let the money thing go. I could pay you back every penny and you'd still hold it over me, about how much you've done for me, and how great you are. We all know, Kelly. You're just a broken record. Leave me alone. I can only give you what I have, and I don't have as much as you do. Quick...tell me again before I forget it. You're spectacular.
I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to keep getting my face shoved in the mud. YOu can keep telling everyone how much I let you down. Keep telling our PARENTS how much I owe you. Earn their favor over me, I don't care. To me it sounds like lies. They weren't in Alabama, I was. Everytime you paid for something, I said "YOu know I would do this if I could. I really appreciate this." and you would say "Don't worry, Corrie. I can cover it." Well...I guess I SHOULD have been worrying, huh? Who knew you would throw it back in my face again, and again, and again? I didn't have a choice. I had to beg everyone for everything. You think I liked that? I hate it when I owe people things for this exact reason. It makes you feel superior. Enjoy your pedestal, I'm fine here on the ground. SOOOO beneath you.
Please...just leave me alone. Everyone who thinks they've got something on me. Something I said, soemething I did, something you remember and I don't...I'm already broken. I just want to be happy...please please please. I just want to be with BJ. I just want to enjoy being in love, instead of being so miserable. All of this hostility flying around just makes me miss him more, and more... and it's literally killing me. I'm sick all the time. Sick with no doctors, so please...please? I just want to make it. Instead of pushing me down, can you just let me walk a few steps?
Thank you.
6 comments:
You'll delete this one like you did the last, but I didn't bring up anything about Alabama today, and I told Dad NOT to call you down to start an argument about it. I didn't say anything, I was just frustrated that you were so combative about calling your own friend. You didn't give me reasons why you didn't want to call and I didn't know any more than you did about when and where.
Please stop being the martyr. Nobody wants to make you miserable, but we're all frustrated because you're submitting to misery and you don't have to. I know it's hard now, but it doesn't get better by staying in your room. I don't do everything right by any means, I made a mistake that cost me almost everything I had and I'm doing my best to spring back from it. I haven't asked you for money, I haven't asked you to pay it all back, and all the times I said "don't worry about it" were little things. I never asked payment for food or anything, I was only counting the car repairs and your car payments, things like that. Why does that make me so terrible? And is it wrong to need to be paid back when I need the money too?
I didn't say you didn't help me in Alabama! Dad was only referring to thing tangibly, and you know that. Nobody's a villian, but nobody wants to see you come back from what turned out to be an unworkable situation and just wallow. I KNOW that's how you feel but you can't honestly expect your entire family to just watch you and say "it's okay for her to withdraw from everything, she just misses BJ." It will only get WORSE that way. The physial problems - despite your protests - are at least partially due to your melancholy, so everything will be better when you let it be. That's what we all hope for.
If a phone call is hard for you to make, you might have tried calmly saying you just weren't up to talking to Jessie and then giving me her phone number instead of biting my head off when I asked you to please ask her about the furniture. You never said any of that until now, in your journal. You can't punish us for not understanding your reasons when you don't share what they are. I would have understood.
Go ahead and continue to mock me, or whatever it is you're doing. I'm glad it's so easy for you to express yourself.
Kelly
How can you expect me NOT to withdraw when you all yell at me all the time? If dad was getting the story wrong, and you knew better, you should have said something...
I'm not a martyr, people are literally treating me badly. Alabama cost me everything too. Not just you. We had very different things to lose. You said nobody is a villain, then how come dad isn't speaking to me? You DO say things. Anything to make you look like the victim. That makes me the outcast, the villain.
You have asked me to pay it all back, telling me you've only asked for a fraction. Well, three car payments and the repairs come up to 365... so what are you talking about? You ARE expecting to be paid back for the little things. Well, I'm doing the best I can. There's a handful of change in my car. Help yourself.
I'm not expecting anyone to think it's great for me to withdraw. I do however, expect that they not kick me when I'm down. What do they expect that result to be?
As far as physical issues, what exactly are you telling me to "let it be"? Ha! You should talk.
You didn't ask for an explanation about the phone call. You just flew off the handle and started yelling at me about how you had only asked me to do one thing, blah blah blah. There's no possibility of calm ANYTHING when you're like that. YOU bit MY head off, and then ran to daddy. What were you expecting the phone call to be if you didn't know what I was supposed to tell her either?
I'm not mocking you. I'm mad at you. I'm telling the truth. I'm glad I can express myself too. Maybe you'll get to know me... instead of just being angered by the fact that you're not the only one with problems. Here's a thought. Why don't you try this out?
"Hi, Corrie. How are you?" Before you scream at me for... everything.
365 in your car payments and repairs. The remaining 35 is for gas. THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS after paying for gas for two cars to get all the way home, not to mention the car rental. Asking you for 35 dollars toward gas in this economy is nothing, and what are you ranting about anyway? You asked me if you could give me $25 per paycheck and I agreed to that, I didn't ask you to pay me back immediately in one lump sum.
We made it home on my money and the generosity of Carolyn and her mother. You keep saying "it helped you too, you didn't just pay for things to help me" and things like that. Of course, it paid for US to get back. It paid for you to get to and from Mongtomery once or twice a week. It paid for the things WE needed, and there is NOTHING wrong with me expecting you to honor your promise to share that burden a little. It was a mutual problem, and we should share its solution. I'm trying really really hard to not be the bad guy here, especially because I AM grateful for what you did for me in Alabama, but for goodness sakes, $400, $365 of which is for payments and repairs I made on your car, the repayment of which is spread out over eight months - what am I supposed to do? You made a promise. You have multiple job opportunities, a car, a place to live and the option to live there rent-free if you only take a couple of online classes. I have an apartment, student loans, and no car whatsoever, and I'm not complaining about what I have but after the RENT tickets and the cell phone I'm down to the wire. I'll get a car as soon as I can and I HATE asking to use yours. Especially because you told me I had to get my own car the same week we got home.
Equating me with a millionaire buying a house for a homless person and you with a homeless person giving up a coat or something - I just don't know how you can say that. I'm far from a millionaire. I couldn't REALLY afford it all, but it had to be done, and thanks to Carolyn and her mom it all became possible. We would have come up short otherwise, and I have every intention of paying them back as soon as I'm able to.
We both gave up things, but you can get back everything you lost. You're losing time with BJ, and that hurts, I know, but you're letting that loss cost you even more, and yeah, it makes me mad too. It so hard to see you like this when I know how much better it could be for you and you just won't do it. Yell at me again, it's fine. I'm mad too. I've had it with being punished when I try to do the right thing, and if I told Dad how that makes me feel, I have a right to. But more than that, this just really hurts. Like you said, I was excited yesterday, and you didn't give me an opportunity to nicely ask you anything. As soon as I opened you door and asked you gave me an irritated look and put up a wall.
You're always putting up walls, and it's not nice and pretty when you expect other people to break them down. We don't have x-ray vision, we can't always see why you built the wall.
I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just really sad about this. Now go ahead and say "Sad? YOU'RE sad?" I don't care. I'm tired of the constant comparative analysis. I just hoped. Not even sure what it was I was hoping for right now. Whatever.
Kelly
"We both gave up things, but you can get back everything you lost. You're losing time with BJ, and that hurts, I know, but you're letting that loss cost you even more, and yeah, it makes me mad too. It so hard to see you like this when I know how much better it could be for you and you just won't do it. "
Won't do what? I can't be with him. I can't change that. I told you I would pay you back when I had money. I don't have it yet. I had to make another car payment. A car that you used just as much as I did in Alabama, so really... you loaning me money to use it is more than fair. And those trips to Montgomery? YOu went with me for most of them, or i elft the car with you so you wouldn't be stranded. Yes, your money paid for everything. Soon it will be all my money paying you back. You want to keep complaining to everyone how ungrateful I am, and how I'm taking advantage of you? Kelly... I didn't want your money. I didn't want your help. You are the most UNGRACIOUS giver I have ever known. YOu hold it over everyone's head when you do something "nice" for them. We made it home on your dollar. I'll give it all back to you.
YOu make my situation sound so ideal, like all I have to do is open my eyes and realize how good I've got it. I wish I could live in that fantasy world of yours. If you'regoing to play parent and lecture me about school, you go right ahead. It's not just a few online classes, I have to pay rent unless I go to a four year school. Ask mom, she'll tell you herself. School isn't for me, and your fine with that unless my decision gets in between you and what you want from me.
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! No, that's not your fault. But what is your fault, is turning my own parents against me for something they are not a part of, and something they do not understand. This should have been between you And me. You want to keep crying poor me to mom and dad, and alienating me from my own family... then what other choice do I have than to withdraw? You're pushing me out!
I never said I wouldn't help with money WHEN I COULD! You're still making it sound to everyone like I'm refusing! Like I'm not honoring a promise. I don't have any money yet!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I owe everbody hundreds! You're not that special!
I wish you had never come to Alabama. Your life would still be great, and I would owe you nothing, and I'd probably still be down there, somehow. Then everyone would be happy. Just stop bringing it all up. Let it die. Let people like me. It's not a bad thing. I ruined your life? Well you have a new one now. Live IT not the past. You have 2 jobs too. I need to start over again, just like you.
You'll get your money. Now YOU let it be.
Wow. Okay now, I'll stop. You're just not hearing anything, and all those things you just said... most of it isn't true! Of course I'm grateful for the use of the car, that's WHY I wasn't asking for more than $400! I never said you ruined my life, I never turned Mom and Dad against you - they have their own frustrations, they can think for themselves, and they are NOT against you!
But I'm not arguing anymore. This is so pointless and it hurts, and as long as you're determined to see things this way, it just won't get any better.
I love you, you're my sister and my best friend, and.. I don't know. I love you, that's all. Please don't see me as if I'm trying to hurt you.
Kelly
Please just stop talking about the money. Please just stop that. I'm paying you back. Yes, mom and dad have their own frustrations, but they shouldn't have frustrations about things that don't involve them. That's only fueled by you.
I'm sorry you're hurting. You said things to dad that made him furious with me for no good reason, so yeah... it created a problem and now you're hurting. YOu could have avoided it. To use your word that you always use when someone has said something so completely appaling and you're so innocent...Wow. Wow. WOW! It shouldn't be that surprising. YOu knew what would happen. Doesn't taste as good as you thought it would.
Love you too. I do... I'm just sick and tired of you pulling this over and over again. You have a problem with ME come to ME. Don't throw your dirty laundry around and expect everyone else to clean it for you.
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