I'm killing myself. Not intentionally. But it's happening. THe working all the time seems to help distract me at times from the things I don't want to face, but sooner or later you have to face them all.

I've found a few other distractions. Some I'm not as proud of as others. I wish I were writing more like I promised Grandpa I would. I screw up a lot. Really a lot. I don't have anything to write about. I'm ashamed of my recent mistakes. I let a situation change me, and I don't know how to get back to where I started. I know the blame belongs to me as well, because I let the lies present themselves as truth. That was all me. I just wanted so badly to feel different. Get the numbness out. Feel things.

Now I just want to be numb again. I've gone through the majority of my life missing people. Perhaps that's why it seemed so natural to pursue a relationship with BJ. Maybe because I knew if he was around me all the time, every day...he would realize that much sooner that he didn't want me.

Of course that's most likely a delusion. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. My thoughts are extensive. They eat me alive. They take away reality. I'm filled to the brim with "what ifs". How do you banish those ideas? By pursuing reality. Well... here's my reality.

I work from 3:45 am to 6pm. I know there are thousands of people who work more than that. Doctors rarely even go home! I learned that from SCRUBS and Grey's Anatomy. Yup. I'm television educated. I know how to solve crimes, treat patients, and cheat on people. GOOD things to know. Riiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhht. So anyway, back to reality.

I work a lot. So does everyone. Check. Got it. The only people I see day to day are co-workers. Co-workers who all seem to be best friends. Amber says that that's because I don't push hard enough, that it takes two to tango. I told her she was right...and I'm still looking for my dance partner. I get invited to things I plan! Because I invite myself. I'm a lonely, miserable person. I'm a pathetic human being. I get so angry sometimes. Mainly at myself. But I don't want to reduce myself to the "Can I come?" pushing on in. Come on! You know you want me! No... no. I know I want THEM.

So when I'm not working, I'm sleeping. Which presents the reasons why I hadn't eaten anything in three days. I completely forgot! Don't worry. I'm still a chub chub. Even if I had deliberately stopped eating, I would still gain weight.

I complain a lot on here, I do. But who else do I complain to? You got to get it out somehow. Critique all you want. Think bad things about me. I'll never know, and you'll never tell me! All's well in the world.

So the long and short of my reality. I don't exist. Not to me, not to others. I'm just...there. I tell funny jokes and sing pretty songs. I'm the voice that interrupts your conversations. It's not always welcome, but always amusing. I talk to BJ for a bit before bed. He's my best friend. We say we're more than that. I want to be everything to him. He says I am. I wish I was.

I want to be in love. I want to feel it all. It's been determined...by myself...that I suck at long distance relationships, and yet I have no other options. What does that mean? That I choose to be miserable? I guess it does. Years and years ahead of me. I made the move, the move didn't work. I'm reminded of a song! Neither me or anyone i know is Madeleine, and yet..."Whoa, oh Madeleine! Here we go round' again! You know it, I know it, don't try to pretend! You know it could be so much better than it's been. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh here we go round' again!" I hope it's better..."This time around!" BWa-ha-ha. Thank you Hanson. I adore you.

BJ makes me happy. He's the beginning and the end of my thoughts each day. But we've got a mountain to climb. I'm just afraid I'm not strong enough. I'll fall down and get smashed on the bottom, and he'll go on without me. I'll still be tied to him...for safety reasons of course, so he'll drag me up to the top behind him...eventually. Our eventually is years away. It used to be closer...but now that he's got all that dead weight attached to him, it's gonna take longer. Life was carefree...a quick jaunt up a mountain side! Now it's a mission. Have to finish school, have to get a job, have to be financially secure...all for the better of the carcass hanging at the end of his rope. BAH! Maybe I'm ruining him. I just want it to be my turn to be taken care of. Maybe that's selfish. It probably is.

So I've rambled enough today. Yesterday I went to the Renaissance Festival. I introduced my mom to Captain Jack Sparrow. I was in costume. Apparently I was beautiful. I got looks from men. I guess the costume gave me courage to keep my eyes off the ground. Apparently I have beautiful eyes. My name was Ophelia yesterday. It was glorious. A young girl tugged on my skirt and told me I was very pretty. I had a good day. Not night. I had a bad night. I have to forgive.

So that's all for now.

Over. Me