This has been a terrible week, and it isn't even over yet. One more day, then back to work. I don't even know what to do anymore.

The funeral was beautiful, and terrible. So many tears. I don't even know how to describe it. Every breath hurt. It was a different kind of pain. I had to keep reminding myself that he was actually gone. There was no casket, only pictures. I had to keep looking at the pictures to remember who I was supposed to be remembering. It couldn't be my Grandpa! He's invincible. He's a rock. People knew him as a brother, as a father, and as a cousin, or a husband. No one spoke about him as a Grandpa. I wanted to stand up there and tell them he did magic. That he amazed me! He was my hero. He always told me I was beautiful, and he was the only person who ever said that that I truly wanted to believe.

I have a lot of memories of my Grandpa, and since I was his grandchild, they were only good memories. I didn't know him as the once upon a time alcoholic... I knew him as GRANDPA! At least that's what we would all scream when he would pull up in his town car.

He used to live close. Then he moved to Arizona. That's why it's hard to believe he's gone. I didn't get to see him more than once a year... but I treasured those times.

He took me home with him once. 3 day road trip. I got to eat refried beans for breakfast in Sedona. He took me in the desert to collect junk. We found a lot. We made a sculpture. I was the only grandchild to do it, but that's because I adored him, and I invited myself. I weaseled my way into the position of importance. Being one of 5 kids, it's hard to feel special to a relative...so I would make THEM feel special, and I became the favorite. The forced favorite, but the favorite nonetheless.

I was also a big fan of "Grandma Isabelle" Grandpa's third wife. No one compares to my Grammy, but Isabelle takes the place of my crappy Grandma on the other side. (Killmers) She was with Grandpa through his last breath. I hate cancer.

When I saw Isabelle at the funeral, she teared up and wrapped her arms around me. "There she is. There's my girl. I've been waiting for this...my dear sweet Corrie. I love you so much. Your Grandpa loved you so much. It is so good to see your beautiful face." I wept, reminding her that she was still my Grandma, and she held me closer. She cried, sobbing that she had loved him so much... we all did.

I still can't believe it happened. There was something I was depending on to get me through this week, and it seems that may be slipping through the cracks. I guess I wouldn't know.

I'm out of ideas, but hey... I'm a creative person. I'll just have to start over. I'll get over it. The pain will subside eventually. GOOD ATTITUDE! Yes.

I drew a blue dot on Cody's nose. I'm not sure why...I'm not sure why he LET me do it. Now he looks like he has a bruise, after running around in the rain.

I'm watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy. I'm learning a lot from Meredith's relationships. She has a lot of good things to say in her opening and closing narrations. Sounds like I could have written them myself.

So...I guess that's all for now. Have a memory or a thought about my grandpa? Leave it here:

http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?ID=GB19227314


That's all for now. I feel like I broke something inside... I need glue. The chocolate kind?

-Me