Well...let's see. I have a lot to say I think...we'll see what happens. We are no longer going to New York. I think it's a good thing though. Kelly is instead going by herself, because she can actually afford to do it. BJ and I are spending the week doing stuff around good ol' WBL. He can see where I work now, we can do the things we didn't have time for in the past...I think it's valuable. Had we decided on going to New York, we wouldn't have been able to spend one single second on our own. With our relationship being how it is, that alone time is kinda crucial right now. He gets here March 25th! I can't wait!

FLC is finally getting the drama program up and running. They're gonna let me call it Plan See! The website will have a real function! Color me excited! It's gonna be a lot of work, but I am so ready for it!

The new job at Dunn Bros. is working out pretty well. For awhile I wasn't so sure. It's really awesome to see Amber on a regular basis, but there were a few very resistant employees. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. There were a lot of rumors and crazy accusations flying around, and I was actually being referred to as the "NAZI"!!! Isn't that hilarious? To anyone who knows me...it's quite funny. And it was all just rumors! None of them had actually worked with me! They would trade their shifts because they were too afraid! I laugh. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Last night I went back to work three hours after my shift to help Amber with the price adjustments on all the menu boards. It was fun just hanging out and stuff like that, but after awhile some awkward subjects came into the conversation. For quite awhile now, Amber has been filling me in on the latest goings on with her wedding. I couldn't be happier for her! Of course...I wish it were me...but that's just how it goes. Talk of bridesmaid dresses, her maid of honor, the invitations, the napkins, the flower girl... and then there's me, wishing that I would have meant more to her to have been involved in all of it. But I've done the same thing with Amber that I've done with every other friend I've ever had.

I like to pretend that we're closer than we are. Sometimes I just sit by myself and think about all the people I've ever known in my entire life...and put them in a mental list. Where do they fall on how close we really are? How much can I depend on them? How much can they depend on me? Amber has told me all about her maid of honor, Bridget. She is the most loyal person Amber has ever known. No matter what, Bridget is there for her friends. I thought about me...and how I am with my friends. I'd like to think I'm a Bridget...but I've never had anyone test that theory. No one has ever been close enough.

For weeks now I've just pushed agonizing thought aside, and was residing happily in the idea that I was being included at all! But then Amber decided to tell me that she really DOES want me to be involved, and has wanted me to be involved... but didn't know how or in what capacity. Also that even before I worked with her, she was hoping I would. She knew that both managers could not just disappear for a weekend for a wedding. Maybe she thought that by asking, I would have turned down the job to preserve my "friend status" in her wedding.

I've always had a hard idea that I could ever be a somebody to anybody. She asked me who I think I am, and why I think I'm a nobody, and the best I could come up with was "I'm just me" as if that would justify why I truly whole heartedly believe that I have no astounding quality about myself that would make me absolutely necessary to anyone...in any function!

I can't stress enough how heart breaking it was to attend...just ATTEND Lurae's wedding. I was once her very best friend. Granted I was replaced time and time again...but to have just been a guest...? I couldn't breathe through the entire ceremony. I practically broke BJ's hand trying to keep it all down, deep inside. Wear the smile, hide the sob. I know it will be the same with Nikki. I was an extremely relevant SOMEBODY to her at one point...and I will be a guest at best.

I hold onto people too tight. Even when they are done with me completely...I still feel left out. I still remember every detail of how it was and think about how it would have could have been. I've tried to figure out what it is about me that makes me such a temporary fixture in people's lives.

When I told Amber that I was just me...a nobody to most, she reminded me that I was a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend...and my mind had an instant rebuttal to every objection. I am a daughter. No matter how many times I have introduced myself to extended family members, I am known strictly as Penny's daughter. I am a sister. To this DAY there are people in every single aspect of my life that refer to me as not Corrie, but as Sunnie's sister. Kelly's sister. Why even try? I am a girlfriend. It wasn't long ago that that identity was completely compromised, when BJ fought with the idea that he no longer loved me. I was almost a nobody to him as well.

I'm not as down and out as all that. I have healthy attitudes about many different avenues...it's when these thoughts are brought up by someone else, that I find it difficult to escape. Hence the writing. Get it out, and get it done.

To become a somebody, I have left the nobody behind. I've lived in different states, looking for consistent validation. Living alone in Opelika probably lead to the demise of the Alabama endeavor, simply because I was exactly that! Alone. I used to boast my ability to entertain myself. I loved the quiet. Not anymore... I enjoy "down time" but being involved in a long distance relationship really heightens your sense of loneliness.

I've also started projects that involve no one who has ever made me feel invisible. It's just me! FLC drama program...no drama allowed? Ha! That would be funny.

One tough pill to swallow is that some of the things I always counted on, are just never going to happen. When I moved to WBL in 4th grade, I imagined having a best friend like I did in Roseville. Call each other every single day, spend the night every weekend... grow up together. Like in the books and movies I always adored growing up. That way, everyone would always have a someone! No one would ever be alone. So many times, I've watched Nikki and company par-tay across the street. It's not always strictly family, as I've seen fellow ex-best friend LuRae frequent many Grandparent hosted occasions. One day, while listening to them laugh...I thought to myself. "Oh well...maybe later" A good thought. A comforting thought. A common thought. It was then I realized that later had already happened. My chance for that kind of friendship is already gone. It was really depressing. *laughs*

Slowly but surely other realizations have brought themselves upon me. While listening to Amber talk about her big day, it's come to my attention that I'll never be a maid of honor. I'm not that ONE person to anyone. Kelly might say I am, but I'm her sister. It just isn't...the same. Before I left for Alabama, Amber and I agreed that had we known each other beforehand...we very well could have been best friends. But that's the story of me! Could have been...

This isn't all about Amber. This is every relationship I've ever had! Growing up...I never really changed. So I got boring. That's my explanation anyway. Best friend Sarah traded me in time and time again. I lost count of the GIGANTIC arguments we've had over the years. She would come around and ask me to forgive her, and I would, and we'd be pals again...for awhile. But she moved on to a completely different lifestyle...one that I would never fit into.

Nikki is a world traveler, and no matter how many times she complained about the hurt LuRae seemed to inflict on her, they remain best friends to this day. Each other's maids of honor. (Nikki might argue that her sister will be her MOH, but I guarantee LuRae will be heavily be involved. I however, will make the guest list. That's just the way it is.) Granted they've both grown up... they were different people back then.

When mom got sick everyone disappeared, and it was my turn to trade up and trade in. I went to the ever popular theater crowd. When I realized they were actors on AND off the stage, they all shunned me for eternity. Oh well...I think I like it better that way. I couldn't deal with disappointing them day in and day out with my tragically mundane personality. And I am not good at pretending to be THAT girl.

After said sickness...I never recovered. I have trust issues to the max, and will never quite be able to figure out anyone true intentions. I'm always looking for a back story...and probably missing the big picture altogether. I'm cursed!

I have BJ...and after our crash and burn in September...I'm still trying to walk straight. Every day is a struggle to try to look past the past. I love him.

Well...now that a new mini novel has presented itself...I think I will now go shower, and shake all these deep thoughts out of my brain. Time for work soon. I need to re-adopt the happy go lucky Corrie. The funny one. Nobody likes the deep one. We learned that lesson in the teenage years, didn't we Corrie? Yes we did. Notice the lack of poetry journals. Ha! Good thing I wrote in pencil. They're almost completely rubbed away now. That's one version of me I'm honestly glad is invisible.

TTFN.