It's all officially over now. Part of me is relieved. There were a dozen things that drove me crazy in that relationship, but I honestly believed I could change them. Or at least I hoped I could. I needed to be needed, I wanted to be wanted. I got that for a little while, but it turns out Andi was confused the entire time, but just went with it because he didn't know what else to do. I think I was definitely the wrong person to be confused with!

I made a lot of mistakes. One of the biggest ones was looking the other way when there was something I didn't like. I figured looking past faults was better than being alone. Silly, but it made sense. Even Kelly got tired of him giving her the finger.

I was in love with his family, and that's the wrong reason to stay in a relationship with someone. I wanted to be a part of it all, and so everything else that went along with it was worth it. He wasn't what I needed. He wasn't even what I wanted. But as long as I thought he wanted me, nothing else mattered. It felt too good to give up. So yes, it did hurt to lose it, but if someone had told me the truth sooner, it would have actually made sense.

I'm glad Kelly told me the truth. She thinks I'm putting her in the middle of some huge battle, but there is no battle. It's gone now. When I thought that he actually had had real feelings for me in the past, I thought that that meant I should try to salvage what I could. But... there was nothing real there, other than his admiration for my creative genius. Can't really blame him, I guess. I am kinda fantastic.

Maybe one day we can be friends. Maybe even business partners or bandmates like we had planned. Who knows? I can't predict the future. There was no real romance, and I knew that. There was attraction though, and that felt real. But there was always something missing. I just thought...oh well!

He really cares about me as a person/friend, and I really care about him too. And I DO love him..as a person and a friend. I was in love with his family, and in many ways, I found him to be a creative genius as well! And that was really exciting. I saw great things in the future! Maybe they're still there. Projects, not a relationship. Not anything other than friends, anyway.

Andi was like a drug. When I first started taking the Andi drug, it was fantastic! It took me away from my wretched reality and gave me permission to laugh, and to feel other emotions. But then it became an addiction, like an urgent need to have more Andi to feel better. I got lost in it willingly and freely. When I came off the Andi drug, I went through withdrawal. It was panicky and scary, and I was wobbly wondering if I'd ever be able to make it without the potent drug. Then I would start to feel better, realizing things I didn't see before. But then there he'd be (usually my fault) and it was like taking another hit of the drug, and it all started all over again. Andi detox...that what has brought me to this point. And I can breathe!

I wasn't in love with him like I thought. I was in love with the illusion, and love like that fades quickly. Our relationship happened so fast, that it really shouldn't surprise me how fast it's fading away into the background. It's unfortunate how crazy things had to be... but like any drug, it was unhealthy.

What should have just been a close friendship turned into something it shouldn't have, but I don't regret it. I'm glad I know him! And I'm glad that I am able to understand myself better, and the way I react to things. People give crazy advice, but it turns out I'm smarter than a lot of people. I just had to listen to my gut!

Andi and I both should have spoken up sooner. We were both uneasy about so many things, but neither of us ever said anything for fear of upsetting the other. How dumb is that? Oh, well. Too late now. Time for new frontier. Onward!

Thank you Lord for clarity. Thank you THANK YOU! I'm so glad I'm not crazy...