It's been about a week since something bad happened, so I guess it's time. THe last bad thing that happened was Jeremy accidentally kicking my knee cap off my knee. That sucked, but this is worse. When am I going to be allowed to breathe? When will life just STOP snowballing??

Andi broke up with me last night. His reasons don't make sense, and he blamed most of it on him not knowing what he wants and being confused. Typical male. BUT, he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. That makes sense... not.

It hurts so bad. I just wanted to wake up! He entered into a relationship with me, AFTER I told him due to the circumstances surrounding my life that there WOULD be strong attachments formed, but he said he knew that, and wasn't afraid of it. There were so many things said, but no matter what I said, I still felt like a failure. He said there's no romantic attachment on his end. So I accused him of faking it. He said he never faked anything. What does that MEAN? If he wasn't feeling the way about me that his words and actions led me to believe, isn't that called faking it?

I just want to shake my head and make it all disappear. I want to be able to pretend like nothing ever happened. Being with Andi was the first time I was really happy in a very very long time, and it's over now. Why is it already over?

There were so many things he knew about that had screwed me up in the past, and he did all the same things. Why would anyone do that? Why would anyone seek out a wounded animal just to kick it around even more and leave it barely living? He watched me crumble and told me he wanted to be the one to help me pick up the pieces.
But then he scattered the remains into a million more pieces that I can barely recognize. He said I did absolutely nothing wrong, and then way things turned out his completely his fault, and that he's doing it now so that he doesn't have to lead me on anymore. So I asked him what he was faking...because that's what leading people on is, is faking it. He said he never faked anything. I asked him why he told me he sees a future with us, and all he said was that it was wrong of him to say that, and that he was sorry.

This is all so messy. I involved Andi in every single aspect of my life! Not only is my sister dating, and planning to marry HIS brother, my little brother is Andi's buddy. Andi and Jeremy (after my introduction) have started a label together. Jeremy works for me, and he's one of my best friends. He's Andi's friend too now. Andi is on my drama team, and we both are a part of the worship team now. How do I cut him out of a life that he wanted to be so involved in? He doesn't want me to, he wants to be my really good friend.

I don't want to be pathetic! I can't go backwards and hang out in groups and pine after the host wishing and hoping constantly that he would see me as more than a friend. We were already MORE than friends, and I was so happy, and he's telling me that it was all one big mistake.

He's so inconsistent. One day he'd be telling me how happy and excited he was about all things us, the next he would be saying we got too serious too fast. A day later he would be telling me he sees a future with us. After that it was that he didn't want to lead me on. A day after that would be telling me he believes we feel the exact same way about each other. I brought all those things up, and all he did was say he was sorry. That's when anger replaced hurt. "Don't you understand what you're doing to my head? You can't treat someone like this! I'm a PERSON! I'm a GOOD PERSON! Why are you doing this?"

But looking at all of those inconsistencies really just illustrates I guess that he's not faking his confusion. As if that's supposed to be comforting.

I feel sick. I was just a mistake. I'm a mistake...

But he's really going to miss me.