I have a lot I want to write about, and don't even know where to begin. I find myself trapped in that melancholy state again. There's no real reason to feel this way. Life is continuing on in its usual mundane stupor, the same problems occurring and reoccurring. Why bother even mentioning it? Because after awhile, these continuations can begin to eat away at you until you're barely recognizable, and that's what I'm afraid of. Disappearing altogether.

It's strange when you realize that the things you've been relying on, the "rocks" so to speak, the foundations in your life that you can lean on...it's very strange when you realize that those things are no longer there.

It goes without saying that there's been a gigantic role reversal when it comes to me and my parents. I walk into their house and its reminiscent of a tomb. Dead silence, stillness completely suffocating. There's dust everywhere, no signs of active life. My parents rarely if ever find themselves in a vertical state these days, the intrigue of horizontal living taking complete control. The medications leave my mother in a a very strange state in which she can barely get her eyes to focus when she's actually conscious. Pain is an understatement. You have to find humor in the random string of words that make their way out of her mouth...or you'll absolutely drown in sorrow. As dramatic as that may sound, it's true. My dad was my rock. Now he literally IS a rock. When he's home, he is completely silent and stationary...even when he's awake. I'm the parent now. If you don't believe me, ask my wallet.

Nikki. It seemed like something never ending. I don't know what I expected. I feel like the small town friend that people leave behind, only to come back and realize that I never changed, and therefore could never fit into the life they've made for themselves. The truth is though, I've changed more than they have. They have no idea. It's so strange when you find that the people you thought knew you the best, don't know you at all.

I miss the dramatic goodbyes, and the I'll miss yous, and the I love yous, and the countdowns until reunions. I see Nikki once or twice a year. Last week was the Hanson concert in Minneapolis. I was so unbelievably excited to see Nikki. I had gotten her a ticket on a whim, and she was actually able to make it. It was our one day of the year to spend together. I had gotten her reserved for more than a couple of hours (which is as good as it gets were you to recall the previous five or six years of our friendship) and was so SO excited.

When we picked her up, she was weepy over the idea of leaving a friend that she had been attached to at the hip for months. She wouldn't see him again until Christmas. Had it slipped her mind that she rarely-- if EVER saw me, and wouldn't see me until Christmas either? (if she had the time, anyway) This put into effect my self pity and loathing, and wondering when had I become so completely and totally... unimportant. I was no longer tear inducing. I wasn't... anything. I was that girl that she was going to a concert with.

The rest of the day went on as such...with a few tiffs and arguments with both Sunnie AND Nikki, when they failed to realize just how much conversations about the several events..past/present and future that I was NOT a part of hurt me. REALLY hurt me. To be so invisible! Everyone I know is growing up, moving on, and I have been left out of EVERY single one of their life altering events. It's the same old feeling, that I just can't shake. I can't understand it. I don't know WHY--- I'm barely here. I'm barely here, and can't shake the feeling...the panicky feeling, almost urgency...that I need to just go. Just get out! I've been stepped on to the point that people no longer feel me beneath their feet. It's time to get off the floor.

Nikki brought up that it bothered her that her ex-boyfriend Scott was spending time with Lurae and company. I said she should speak up. She mentioned that she couldn't do that, she had brought him into the group in the first place. Ah, yes. The group. The group I had been cast out of for no apparent reason. With bitterness in my heart, I couldn't help but wonder...why couldn't have you brought ME into the group? Why am I so different?

Then there's the phrase that Andi said to me once that haunts me. "They had a problem with you. YOU. You're the common denominator in these equations here, Corrie. Think about THAT!" And even though it makes sense, it still baffles me. I didn't do anything. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe I didn't do enough? I have no idea.

I also know that I deal with way more than most people can comprehend, and that scares them away. I really--I am sad, but I can't blame anyone for that. If I were in their shoes, I'd probably take them for a spin in the opposite direction even faster than they did. I may be a lot of things, but an idiot isn't one of them.

Nikki spent a great deal of her time on the phone that day, and I couldn't hide how much it bothered me. It was easier to see me through her eyes then, all of the sudden. I'm not who I was to her, and I probably never will be. I waited for the self pity and loathing to REALLY set in, but it didn't. Because I realized she isn't to ME who she used to be either. It's still habit to call her first when something happens, but then I have to remind myself that she won't answer, and if I leave a message, she won't get around to returning in for quite some time. There are people way higher up on her priority list, as they SHOULD be. That's what people go to college for. (And education, I suppose) Those are the relationships that last, those are the friends you never forget. The high school chums? Those are the ones you squint at in yearbooks trying to remember why you were supposed to remember them.

I think I look for reasons to feel hurt and angry, so I don't have to see things for what they really are. Nikki changed, Corrie changed. I know that if something huge happens, and I need the Nikki squeal, or the solidarity I have always been able to count on her for, she will be able to give that to me. I also know that when she says she'll pray, she really will. I know that she is the most loving, caring person I have ever known, and how she never runs out of concern for people baffles me. I do know that she is often times oblivious to things that seem very obvious to me... but I'm also incredibly over analytical, and I know that all too well. I see things that probably aren't even there, because I have such an urgent need to understand EVERYTHING that's going on around me.

Coming to all of these realizations brings peace, but also sadness. Nikki never judged me. I could talk to her about anything. I could tell her the things that would randomly plague me about my past with BJ, and she would calm me instead of rolling her eyes and telling me to get over it. I tell Kelly more than I tell anyone, but there are certain things I can't go to her about. So I would go to Nikki. When something comes up about Andi, I can't talk to Kelly. It's a very sore subject. I can't talk to Sunnie about ANYTHING, because she couldn't care less, and that's just the truth. This is why I miss Nikki. This is why I will CONTINUE to miss Nikki, because that is a substantial loss.

It's gotten to the point where I am attempting to find my identity reflected in what I do every day. That's not who I am, it's what I do...but those two ideas are becoming completely interchangeable. I am a chauffeur, I am an ATM, I am a barista, I am a servant, I am a medical consultant, I am a shadow, I am --- I have no idea.

Every day I work earlier than the majority of the population. I smile, I make their day better. A lot of times they return the favor! It's true. When I get home, my phone rings. Somebody needs a ride, somebody needs something from the store, someone always NEEDS something, and they need me to get it, bring them, do it, and all without complaint. Why? Because I'm a good daughter. I'm a good friend. I'm a good sister. I'm a good...stranger. They don't know me. I don't know me.

You know what I wish? I wish I could just, start over. Start from scratch! I've always longed for that story book relationship of girlie best friends that have known each other since birth, and stay best friends forever! BFF!! Sounds cheesy, right? Right...but I have always ALWAYS wanted it. I would also warn myself to stay away from sugar right from the start. Deny myself immediately to completely bypass the problem altogether. A thinner Corrie would be a happier Corrie by far. Because even if I COULD start over, I know my mom would still be the same mom, so if I were still a chubby Corrie, she would be just as mean. I would know how to handle relationships better, so I could bypass BJ and Andi too, and just skip the heartache and remorse.

I'm getting to the point where I'm rambling. I know that I could keep on going on that way... but it's pointless. That's what the next entry is for. I love Nikki, and I miss her, but I guess I miss the Nikki that is no longer there. Parts of her are sill there, but she's become a best friend with the new Nikki to new people.

Nikki and Lurae both have mentioned how thankful they are for that night at that party. So I know I knew them for a reason, I know I served a purpose, and I am very grateful that I got to be a part of that. I just wish that weren't my entire purpose--- but I really feel like it is. I've been that person to a lot of people, actually... I really SHOULD be grateful. Think about all of those amazing Bible stories, where God sent people on missions for him, and they changed LIVES. I've gotten to do that. Not as drastic, but maybe I will someday. Maybe that's what all of this unbelievable heartache has been preparing me for. In the Bible days they went through much worse though, and they walked lonely roads while working for God...but how can it be lonely when you're walking with the Lord? I served my purpose, I completed my mission, I said his words and did his work. I should have moved on a long time ago. That's when everything was great, and we all loved each other passionately. Quit while you're ahead! I should have. I should have skipped the hurt and rejected part. I should have known to take my bow before the lights turned on and the theater emptied. I should have walked away before I was left behind. Lesson learned.

I served my purpose with BJ too. I showed him all the mistakes NOT to make in the relationship he is SUPPOSED to be in for the rest of his life.

I served my purpose with Andi-- no question. We had each only been in one other relationship prior to dating each other. We were each other's ice breakers. We made each other ready to face the real world away from our pasts. We did it badly, but all in all we helped each other out. I just wish it wouldn't have left so many scars that I see EVERY single time I look in the mirror.

I serve my purpose, and I walk away. That's the lesson for the day. But I would like to keep Nathan, if that's okay. I'd also like to keep the treasures I've found in Christine and Nicole at Caribou. I find I really am able to relate and talk to people older than myself much more than people my own age. I have dealt with more than my 24 years should have been allowed, and so these women have had actual experiences I can relate to, and talk about. I trust them more then 99% of the people I know on this planet... and Christine especially has just been such a blessing. These women have kept me going, and I am so grateful for them. So grateful. I love them dearly.

Well, now that I have completely exhausted the capacity of my rear end on this broken loveseat, I will take my leave. I really wrote a novel tonight, and I feel better. This has been good therapy once again! Nathan comes home one week from tomorrow, and hopefully we can start dating like normal people. I would very much like to get to know him better.

Good night all.