Melancholy is my state of late. This is not news. I realize that my mood may appear to be somewhat bi-polar. I've been accused of this already. However, your diagnosis is incorrect. The downward spirals are simply the cracks in my otherwise perfect demeanor.

I can't really decide what to think or how to feel. My head is constantly full of images and memories, as well as thoughts and ideas, wishes and fantasies, regrets and torments...

I lost my Mom. She's gone on to another place, but I'm still here. I feel that aside from losing her, I've lost my entire family. I've lost friends. I've ended up in this strange wasteland completely void of vital human interaction.

I know that everyone deals with grief differently. I know that I can't be upset with any member of my family, because we're all going through something awful, and it would be undeniably selfish to think that I should be the focus of anyone's attention. At the same time, however, I'd like to be on the radar.

Sunnie and Paul are newlyweds, and living a few towns over. They're dealing with their own difficult transitions, and I know that. I just want to be called, invited, instead of doing all of the calling and inviting.

My Dad has sort of shut himself off. If I don't go to him, I won't hear from him for weeks. He cries to me, and tells me how he's feeling. Who do I cry to? I don't have another parent. I know he's really hurting... but he makes empty promises that are just killing me. He apologizes, but... I can't be the only one leaned on, relied on.

Jamie deals with things by holing up in the basement alone. I don't hear from him unless he wants something. I call him fairly often, and together with Jason from Calvary have urged him back toward the worship team.

Kelly is the person I talk to the most often, and the only member of the family that doesn't live in this state, aside from Candace. Candace has just reentered the family, so to speak, so honestly it it would be stranger to hear from her than it would to not.

I am the only one of us who lives alone. It hurts that no one comes to me, but I'm not supposed to expect them to. It's a problem. It's an endless cycle of hurt and disappointment.

Lately I had been talking more frequently to a friend of mine. A guy friend. I had one extremely frustrating and emotionally draining day. He showed up and forced me out of my shell, and we watched a movie. It became an instant routine, and I loved it. Aside from the movies, we talked. We talked for hours, and it felt amazing. He was completely listening to everything I said. He was being a fantastic friend.

This friend believed himself to be ugly and unlikeable. I knew that was completely untrue, because I was remarkably attracted to him. I told him the truth about my liking him, just to sort of knock the insecurities out of his brain. He said he could never date me, because of his friendship with one of my family members. He changed his mind, and asked me out. 2 days later... hahaha. Mind changed again, the fear of losing said friendship a mounting concern.

It was disappointing, to say the least. We barely happened, but I had wanted us to. There have been several 'options' lately, and I honestly thought that I had become incapable of feeling. I was completely numb, and every man I met was just... blah.

With this friend though, I felt butterflies. I was so excited to feel those little buggers again, that I'm sure my head got carried away faster than it should have. I could FEEL things, and it was amazing.

He had allowed me to be myself, and to talk, and to be open, and I can't remember the last time someone offered that to me as an option. Too often have I been expected to stuff it all away and wear the brave face for someone else's benefit. It was expected so many times, that soon I just started doing it regardless of if I needed to or not. It was so refreshing to be forced to talk. I would mutter something and say a quick nevermind, to which he would reply "no tell me" until I caved. I WANTED to tell him. I wanted someone to know me, and he appeared to want to. It just felt so good...

Anyway, it's already over. It's like I watched the teaser trailer for "Happy; the new frontier in the life of Corrie Killmer".. and it was over way too soon. I do feel teased. I feel a little angry, with a bit of a 'that's not fair' vibe attached.

I had given him my best speech on how living in fear isn't living. You have to get up after you fall. Sure, I've had failures but at least I know I tried, and I lived. I also mentioned that I didn't understand why people enter into relationships expecting them to end, let alone end badly. Why would you do that?? One day at a time, friends! One day at a time.

Alas, to no avail. He maintains that the fear of friendships being lost is his primary motivation for not pursuing our relationship, however, the paranoid brain that I have has adopted several other scenarios and insecurities, and I hate myself for it. I know that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with life... but it's so much easier the other way around! If life were just bomb awesome, I think I would be pretty happy with myself!! If people weren't disappearing and dying, and if books were miraculously published, and if men weren't so fickle... *sigh* I'd feel great.

So, that's my babble for now. More to come, I'm sure.