I am becoming increasingly frustrated. I don't know if I am put here, or if this is where I hide. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I try to force myself into situations and scenarios and events, and I just don't fit. It's hard to hide the jealousy, when everyone around you seems to be pairing off, or becoming a "group" and you are still there, watching.

I flat out say things like "Oh I would love to go with you sometime..." they have no choice but to be polite and agree. I feel so pathetic even writing about this. I am just so sick of empty promises and assurances. What is wrong with me? Nobody likes to feel left behind. It really sucks...

I hate my birthday. It never turns out the way I expect it to. The actual DAY was okay, because I think I banked all my hopes on the party. The party didn't go very well. Five people canceled right before it started. I don't understand why people do that. If you had no intention of coming, or planned on ducking out after half an hour because you had better things to do, why not say no to the initial invite? Save me the time and money.

Rawr.

Don't exchange secret looks as you both struggle to come up with a reason as to why you have to leave. Just go. Don't insult me.

I know there are bigger problems. I have them. I'm just focusing on the stupid ones so I don't freak out too much. I am really frustrated. There are a lot of things I just want to give up on.

Don't talk about me, talk to me. That would really be helpful. Thank you. I don't need someone sending me messages telling me what someone else wants to say or know from me. They can do it themselves thank you very much! We can all speak. Use your own voice.

I can't stand liars. I can't stress that enough. I really really hate lies. If you tell me you can't be somewhere because you need to be somewhere else, don't run away like a scared puppy when I catch you in your pathetic lie. Oh... I am so going to lose it. I am seriously angry. Angry and sad, really.

I need you to realize I'm worth it. I matter. I'm extraordinary. I would do anything for you. I am the best friend you will ever have. I am going to make it someday, and you will want me then. I can't wait to not want you anymore. I can't WAIT!

Time to get to work on my dreams. I have to make them happen. I have to feel like I have contributed something to this world...

goodbye.