I don't like feeling like this. I really don't. I went for a walk by the lake tonight and actually had to fight the urge to walk out onto the not nearly solid lake. It was a strange sensation. I actually wanted to slip through the ice and feel the intense cold. I wanted to be numb.

I find myself staring at the stars, wondering what they look like from Heaven. I always feel closer to my Mom when I am outside at night. I don't know what it is. Most of the time it makes me cry. Not a big fan of the emotional breakdowns these days. The need to talk to my Mom right now is suffocating. I can barely handle it.

I really have no idea where I am going or what I am doing. Just trying to make the right choices. It's terrifying.

I don't know why I am writing. Apparently I have nothing to say.