I am kind of freaking out. No, not kind of. I am really really freaking out.

I have this sick feeling in my stomach and I feel on the constant verge of tears. Growing up, my Mom wanted me to have friends. She wanted me to go out and be social. But she never once ever encouraged me to ever be anyone other than myself.

She escorted me to boy band concerts, bought me teeny bopper magazines, read my stories, watched my plays. She knew who I was, and she loved me for it, not in spite of it.

High School teaches you to change. That's when it first happens. That's when you start to really be influenced by the world around you. Suddenly who you were always content with being isn't good enough. There are the fortunate few who get to escape all of that, but that is incredibly rare.

My mom got sick when I was only 16 years old. That's the age when you just start figuring out who you are. You just start to realize who you want to be and what you want to do. I skipped all of that. I skipped it and went right into who my parents needed me to be. I was devoted. If she were still alive, I probably would still be by her side.

I met BJ when I was just turning 21 years old. He was my first everything. I never thought I would get out of my little world, but I did. For a minute, anyway. I loved him so much... I wanted to stay with him forever. She got sick again, and my purpose was clear again. It was like a magnetic pull. I didn't stand a chance. I thought it was turned into a later, not a never... I got so so lost.

When I met Andi everything was bad, and then it got worse. I thought it was the perfect time to fall into someone's arms, but it was the worst possible time to not stand on my own two feet. He said all the right words at all the right times. It was evil.

I met Conrad at my Mom's funeral. I don't even need to analyze why that wasn't healthy. Everyone tells you all about the different stages of grief. What they don't mention is that you become a different person within each of the different stages.

I was exactly who Conrad needed when we met. He became exactly what I needed when I fell apart. We were perfect for each other somewhere in there. And then something changed. Piece by piece it came together. My reflection. My true self. Me.

It's extremely difficult to make it all make sense. I was open, and honest. I was able to put words together and express who I really was. Who Corrie, the person IS. It was time to stop compromising her. It was time to let her exist. She hadn't existed for decades.

 The person I am meant to be does not belong with the person he is meant to be.
I am terrified that I am going to be alone forever. I know this is not an uncommon fear.

There have been some great quotes blessing me with their presence lately. None of which surpasses the great Jonathan Kent. (That's right... Clark Kent/Superman's Dad)

"It is better to risk everything than to hold onto nothing."

Conrad and i fight about the dumbest things, say things that should never be said, expect things from each other that we shouldn't. This isn't happiness. It just isn't.

I want him to get what he wants out of life. I want him to achieve all of his goals. I helped him with those goals for three years, because i believed in him.

Now, I need to believe in me. That is going to be beyond difficult...