There's that word again. FEAR. It's ruining me! There is very good possibility that I am being presented with the opportunity to re-establish things I thought were long gone. It's highly probable that something I thought I had misinterpreted was actually reality. What's really getting to me, is the possibility that I might be wrong. It's fear.

I'm still as wordy as ever. I can write it all down and tell you the truth and it will be written exactly how I want it to be written. But what if it isn't read the way I want it to be read? I don't know how to explain myself.

Faith and trust aren't as easy as I would like them to be. It's an easy enough concept. Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart. Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing that he will. All these things I've heard, I've memorized, but I've not yet succeeded in banishing the fear.

All of the things I have experienced, all of the roads I have taken have lead me here. There are moments that I can say without a doubt that I am completely accurate. I know what God has shown me, what he wants for me. But then Satan sneaks in with his doubt poisons. The devil is good at that.

I've changed. I've changed a lot. That's no secret. There's a core of a person that still very much exists, and she hasn't changed much. She's still there. It's the outer layers. They've changed drastically. When I think back just a few years ago, I feel like I am an entirely different person. In most ways, I am.

Faith and trust were very hard to hold onto when my Mom was sick. Everything I thought was permanent was becoming very temporary, and I was frantically searching wherever I could for something/someone to hold onto. Not anymore.

I was raised to strive for purity, and to uphold the many promises that purity entailed. I did not succeed. While I may have many regrets, I know that I was with the right person, just not in the right way. We have been forgiven, and I have adopted my original vows wholeheartedly. I will only ever belong to my husband, and God knows exactly who that will be :)

I'm finding patience to be challenging these days. "I am like a child who hath new robes and may not wear them." -Juliet

Seriously, I feel like I am on 'The Amazing Race'. I successfully completed a mission and found a map that will lead to the big prize at the end. I know what it is and how to get there, but my partner has fallen behind and I have to wait. I'm told repeatedly I have to let them complete the mission on their own, I can't give any hints. It's MADDENING!! He will get here. I know he will.

I was talking to Nikki the other night, and it's pretty amazing talking to someone who has known be throughout EVERYTHING. She has cried with me, fought with me, laughed with me, and really knows the real dirty nitty gritty of EVERYTHING. I was explaining how much things have changed over the last several months, and why, and she was nodding, and happily pumping her fists in the air before dramatically exclaiming how much she had been missing me. I was gone for so long. Now, I'm not only BACK, no... I'm better. New and improved!

I wish I could explain it all. I wish I could express it all! But I can't. I mean, yes...words, I can write them and I can explain. I just simply mean it isn't my job. Joseph didn't believe Mary when she told him. He didn't believe it until God spoke to him in a dream. I can talk and talk and talk but it won't make any difference. He has to see it, and it has to come from HIM. And it will. It will.

Enough babbling for now. For now....yes. Until next time, I pray. I will just pray!!