The human brain is an obnoxious thing. True, it's completely miraculous when you consider the logistics of it. The actual physical brain is phenomenal... but the cycle of thought and emotion manipulation is completely unnecessary.

I have had so many moments of epiphany, and I think "Ah-hah! This is it! I've figured it out! This is why I have felt the way I have, and why it doesn't matter! I am moving beyond this, and I am healthy and I am adjusted, and I am normal."

Then it changes on me... I'm flooded with doubts and insecurities and questions. Why did this happen? Why DIDN'T this happen? Why did they say that? Why didn't they say this? Why am I this person to them one minute, and this person the other? Why was I okay with all of it before, and now I want to scratch out my eyeballs and become a life-long hermit??

I can effectively convince myself that I am exactly who I want to be to each and every person in my life. I can believe that I am where I need to be, and I am truly happy. I can imitate being content without even realizing it's an imitation. I can accept change and roll with it. That is until there's a trigger...

Then I'm instantly transported back to where I thought I had escaped from. I remember everything. Every word, every emotion, every look. I remember how it felt here on the outside. Here from across the street, wondering why I wasn't good enough. Why I'm still not good enough. Why I'll never be good enough.

I believe God orchestrates more than just your future spouse into His plan. He selects friends and loved ones to hold and support you through your life journey. He connects hearts and souls for so many reasons other than Holy matrimony. There are people in my life for a reason. There are people that no matter how much hurt or confusion is introduced through them -- I cannot let go. He attached our very beings, and we're stuck together for good. The tough part to swallow is to realize that their reasons and purposes for being in MY life, are different than my reasons and purposes for being in THEIR lives. That doesn't seem fair... I can't help but feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick in these situations. It sucks.

I know there are reasons for these people. That's for sure... but how do I manage to get rid of this constant nagging feeling that I have to keep pushing to prove myself? Prove that I deserve the same status in their lives that they have in mine? That was OBVIOUSLY not God's plan, but I can't get rid of this feeling. It's been around for over a decade, and I feel like it's eating away my internal organs. It's manifested into an actual physical pain.

There was a group of us in high school. More specifically a trio. That trio became a duo, and I fought for different... fought like a crazy person. Turned a little crazy, actually... it didn't happen. My Mom got sick and the whole world fell off its axis and never got right again. Yes, I know I was 16... but they're all still friends. Just not friends with me.

College happened, not for me... but I am totally okay with that. I wouldn't trade those years I had with my Mom for anything. I know I missed the opportunity of forging the type of relationships I wish I had now, but I had a bigger purpose. I'm honored and positive that it was part of God's plan for me. Now I can handle more than I ever thought possible. Because I handled more than I ever thought possible. Boom.

There have been so many gut wrenching fights and arguments over the years over this tired topic, but I can't help it. It's not going away. We're here for a reason, and we're STILL here for a reason, and it hurts for a reason. You're that important, and I'm just different. I'm a different important. I don't want to be, but I can't change it. Lord knows I've tried. Over, and over, and over, and over again.

I wish His plan would have included a Greta. I don't have a real one. I have bits and pieces in different people, so I put them all into one person. A fictional person. Having written Granted for my own amusement in the first place, it was like I had a secret friend. The friend I envied, the beautiful friend. But she was also snarky and witty, and never let Talie get away with F.I.N.E. They had sleepovers and shared all their secrets. When there was a death in the family, Greta was there, banging down the bathroom door when Talie was sobbing in the shower. I didn't have a person like that at all. Sometimes it's a crushing weight to realize just how badly I wish my fiction were my reality. Not just because of the handsome Wish Giver... ha. Because everyone deserves a Greta. I feel like I've been a Greta. On-call Greta. Just not the gorgeous and continuously sought after part. I'm not that.

Everything was great. I thought. We had come full circle. I thought. It was my turn. I thought. Well, Lord. We know what your plan for me in these relationships ISN'T... so if you could, I would love to see what it IS.

This is my prayer.

Over and out.