Sometimes it's better if you DON'T know the reason behind things. That's certainly how I feel. Conversations were had, explanations made, certain things clarified. The problem is, the majority of the conversation was happening within my own head. It's too hard for me to get words out of my head without writing them down sometimes.

I thought about ranting and raving and writing it all here... but I think I've reached a point where I can't find the point anymore. I feel like different versions of history are making appearances. Improvements of truth are finding their way into my consciousness, and I don't think I'm interested in entertaining them. I was there. I remember. I always remember.

So what's the point? There really isn't one. You can talk and explain and cry and wish and push and try your hardest... square peg round hole. You can't force it. You can't make it happen.

As much as it FEELS like the end of the world... it isn't. I'm not unloved... I'm just not reciprocated in the way that I should be. It makes sense to me, and that's all that matters. I don't want to talk about anything anymore, but I also don't want to fake it. I don't want to smile and nod and listen to all of it while I'm screaming internally. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't think any of you want me to be that person either.

It's a terrible feeling to feel like you're completely on your own... but the truth of the matter is, when it comes to friendships... I am. Only because there is NO possible way to understand. They haven't been there. Most of them never will be. They can't understand.

I cracked a little bit and showed a bit too much, so I might as well write it down. When you spend ten years of your life locked in a cage taking care of someone else... people forget about you. They forget about the girl in the cage. She can't come out and play, and we don't have the key...*shrug* oh well. Then she gets out. She's released, and yes there's a lot of damage, but she's out.

How long until people remember me? How long until I stop being punished for doing what had to be done? How long until they see me? How long until I'm blessed? Grandma always told me there are crowns and blessings galore waiting for me. She couldn't believe the things I did every day. I don't believe the things I did every day. It still just feels like a nightmare. A very very long nightmare.

Either there's no light at the end of the tunnel, or this tunnel is a whole lot longer than I expected it to be.

THIS IS NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR!

Right. What else is new?