Doubt.

It's filling me to the very top and spilling over. I thought my identity was secure. The messages were strong. I was exactly where I needed to be.

Seeing yourself from someone else's eyes is a strange experience. In some cases humbling, in others... disappointing, upsetting, etc. It feels like there are so many different versions of me out there, and I don't know which perception is accurate. You'd think I'd be the one to clear up any misconceptions about who I am, but... no. Not at all.

God told me very specifically what He wanted. I've no doubt there at all. If there is more than one person involved in any scenario, it gets tricky. It's like playing a game of telephone sometimes. God tells you to tell someone, and the message gets warped, and God is all like "Fine. I guess I have to tell them myself." and so He does. Message received! Woohoo! Except...

"I heard what God was saying and all, and I'm sure he was totally right, because He's like...well, He's God and everything. But I'm just gonna chill and wait it out for awhile just in case He changes His mind. That's cool, right?"

NO. No, that is not cool.

I can understand one perception of me a little better these days. When something horrible happens to you, I want to be the person you turn to for comfort. I am not Jesus or anything near. I'm merely a human. A human that has been put into your life for a reason. I'm afraid that my need for human love, compassion and companionship is viewed as a weakness. All you need is Jesus. How can I be upset by that? I picture a future in which I undoubtedly get upset by something trivial that takes place within my day to day, and I would like to turn to you for a hug and a laugh inducing comment or two that will transform my mood. Would you turn me away, instructing me to only go to God? I know we are to go to Him with ALL of our problems, and I do... but I don't think he meant it exclusively. Otherwise, having made more than one human seems a little redundant. He populated a planet with us only to make sure we had absolutely no need of one another? I highly doubt it.

I get worried sometimes that I'm completely inadequate. There have been people like this since the world began. I'm afraid of adversity and I'm afraid of meeting impossible seeming challenges head on. There are several things on the horizon that are slowly transforming me into a quaking mess of fear. How do I approach these situations? Are they mistakes? Should I be avoiding them at all costs? The majority of my questions are met with a resounding "NO", and I'm reminded of Jonah. God has places for me to go and things for me to do, and while there are already people on the other side of these journeys ready and willing to take me down, there is something far less pleasant in store for me should I disobey His instructions. Who knows what land dwelling creature will swallow me whole if I stay cowered in my little shell.

It's so much safer here...

I will never have the perfect words to say, and sometimes I feel like that will always keep me beneath you. Will I always feel like I am several steps behind? Will I always feel like I am trailing behind you in your shadow? Is this the life He wants for me? Can someone as loved as you understand my fears? Are these things that I should ever even vocalize? I helped you once, and my heart soared. I'm sure it happened more than once, but only once recently that I recall. My mind was blessed with an abundance of words from above, and I felt necessary. Not vital by any means, but I felt like I was actually contributing to something.

This blog has turned into lengthy letters to so many different people. I hope I remember what I was talking about ten years from now.

It's time to relent, repent, and go. No more excuses. All will be revealed in a matter of weeks. I can follow everything I'm being told, but if the other people involved are stalling, there's only so much I can do. I pray God takes notice of my noble effort, and should His plan not go as planned, He will graciously release my heart and set before me a new path.

In His precious name I pray,

Amen.