You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

I had coughing attacks all night last night. I wonder if anyone heard me. probably not. I woke up this morning, and every possible sadness was hanging over my head. It seeped into my bones, my muscles...I couldn't move. I lay there for hours. Bj called back and forth in between things he had to do. I read some things, I cleaned up my room. I didn't leave my bedroom until 12:30. I got yelled at for that.

I've felt like this before. Every time I have, I've ruined somebody's day. Last time it happened, my mom told me nobody wants to be around you when you're like this. So, I thought I would avoid it altogether. I just didn't come out of my room.

I'm just so sad. So many things seem so hopeless. I'm so scared of ruining what I don't even have! I don't want to say goodbye ever again to anyone. I've recently found so many people that I haven't talked to in a long time. I thought that would make it better. I thought I would be better. I'm still alone.

I stayed in my room so I would be liked for the rest of the day. My chest hurt from all the heaving. The air is thick and humid, and it seeps in and chokes me over and over again. I wish they understood how that felt. I'm not making it up.

I flipped my calendars over today. They had been in Alabama with me too. On the calendar this month are things that brought me to tears. Places I was supposed to be, things I was supposed to go to. I'm not a part of those memories to be made anymore. I'm here. On the calendar is written "1 yr first kiss" on July 11th. 2 days later is BJ's birthday. He'll be 23. July 22nd is BJ's grandparents 50th anniversary party. They had me mark it on my calendar months in advance, so I would be sure to go.

Today is Kelly's move in day. I walked downstairs once or twice. She was piling all of her belongings in the entry way. She's very excited. A couple of weeks ago, I was with Jessie Coffey. She was telling me about her new furniture she was getting. I asked her if Kelly could have the old stuff. She was going to give it to someone else, but I convinced her Kelly needed it more. I got my big sister some furniture.

The only thing Kelly asked me to do today was call Jessie. Jessie has an annoying ability to make me talk, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to pour out what was on my heart. I just wanted to be quiet. There's nothing wrong with that. I asked Kelly to call her herself, like she had said she would yesterday, and the day before. It wasn't my responsibility. True, my motivation for saying that was selfish. I didn't want to be probed. I just wanted silence. Plus, I didn't know when, how, or where, so i didn't know what information Kelly expected me to gain on her behalf by me making the phone call.

She god mad, complained to dad, they both were mad. Everyone was complaining about me. No one asked me to help, but they were furious that I wasn't helping. I just wanted to stay out of the way. I didn't want to make the day miserable, like mom says I do all the time. Do I really make everyone so unhappy?

I'm so unhappy. I'm compeltely miserable. God is saying wait to everything I ask him. God's timing, God's timing. I just have to wait for God's timing. No one seems to understand that I'm actually going through something right now... and I'm not out to ruin anybody's day, rather I'm just trying to get through it myself.

Kelly complained to mom and dad yet again about Alabama. She did everything for me, paid for everything, supported me to no end. YOU'RE WONDERFUL KELLY! YOU'RE PERFECT KELLY! YOU ARE THE BEST DARN SISTER IN THE WORLD! Are you happy now? Were you in the same apartment I was? The food you bought? You ate most of it. The gas you paid for? You were in the car for almost 100% of it. No, I didn't have any money, but financially is not the only way to support someone. I talked you through all of your hysterics, I supported your decisions with Benlee. I defended you to no end, I confronted Benlee about things while you stood off to the side. I went through Charlie Kendall for you. I did everything I could to make it better, I just didn't have the $$$ to flash in front of your face and prove that I was worth the air I breathed. SOOOOO sorry!

I am trying to make it up to her. I just wanted to hide from life today, I wasn't refusing to help anyone. No one asked me to! Dad called me down and said he just couldn't understand how selfish I was. Kelly had done absolutely everything for me in Alabama. He said I had no sense of honor. I owe her to no end, and yet I "refused" to help her. I got her the furniture, I didn't know how or when she wanted to pick it up, and I told her that...but she wouldn't respond. That's worth telling me I have no sense of honor? I am doing what I can. Buying you a Superman cup isn't paying your car payment, but it's what I can do. A millionaire can buy a house for the homeless...but if a homeless person gives a millionaire his only coat, which is the bigger gift? You had money, I didn't. YOu had over $1,000 and I had pennies. I did what I could. I gave you shifts. Money I desperately need to start paying people like YOU back... but I am TRYING to make it up to you.

You're never going to let the money thing go. I could pay you back every penny and you'd still hold it over me, about how much you've done for me, and how great you are. We all know, Kelly. You're just a broken record. Leave me alone. I can only give you what I have, and I don't have as much as you do. Quick...tell me again before I forget it. You're spectacular.

I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to keep getting my face shoved in the mud. YOu can keep telling everyone how much I let you down. Keep telling our PARENTS how much I owe you. Earn their favor over me, I don't care. To me it sounds like lies. They weren't in Alabama, I was. Everytime you paid for something, I said "YOu know I would do this if I could. I really appreciate this." and you would say "Don't worry, Corrie. I can cover it." Well...I guess I SHOULD have been worrying, huh? Who knew you would throw it back in my face again, and again, and again? I didn't have a choice. I had to beg everyone for everything. You think I liked that? I hate it when I owe people things for this exact reason. It makes you feel superior. Enjoy your pedestal, I'm fine here on the ground. SOOOO beneath you.

Please...just leave me alone. Everyone who thinks they've got something on me. Something I said, soemething I did, something you remember and I don't...I'm already broken. I just want to be happy...please please please. I just want to be with BJ. I just want to enjoy being in love, instead of being so miserable. All of this hostility flying around just makes me miss him more, and more... and it's literally killing me. I'm sick all the time. Sick with no doctors, so please...please? I just want to make it. Instead of pushing me down, can you just let me walk a few steps?

Thank you.

So... life, huh? Nothing to do but to live it. Life is what you make it? Crap. I haven't done such a good job then. Can I have a do-over? Nah... a lot of the stuff in my life is spectacular. I wouldn't give a lot of it up for the world. I would change it though. Alter it... make the impossible possible.

ANYWAY! Caribou is the same as it's always been. There's a possibility that I might leave it though. It's likely that I will get the job at Lakeshore Players. Aside from that, there's a possibilty of going back to Dunn Bros again. But a different one! A brand new one... it's beautiful. And Amber is there! WEE!!!!!!!!!!! So... more money, more hours. Sounds like a good thing. We'll see what happens with that. I'm not sure if it's a sure thing. We'll see.

I originally felt like writing a lot in here... now I just feel... blah. I saw Superman Returns. It was good. I guess that's all for now. I miss people.

I was gonna go ahead. I was going to make it. What am I doing now? Hiding. From what? Everything. The water is too cold, I'll stay on the shore, thank you. I try to swim and someone always screams SHARK! Why do I always believe them? Older and wiser, that's why. Why would they lie to me? Because they do. LIARS!!

"People make you promises they'll never keep. Soon you'll know why people say talk is cheap."

I wish I were a tug boat. I'm the big giant ship stuck on a sand bar. I wish I were a tug boat.

It's so easy to leave me behind. Why do I make it so easy? Go ahead. There are more important things to do. Why are you reading this? It's nonsense. Just the ramblings of invisibility. There's nothing to see here. Not unless you're me.

I could have. I should have. I would have, but I didn't. I don't know why, but I didn't. How did I get back to here? Back to then. Beginning/End.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Take the sting away, time for today...a day, one way or another. I love you, BJ. Everyday.

Experiences fly around, and I can't seem to catch them. I get the used ones thrown in my face like dirty Kleenex. "You can have it now, I'm done with it. It's mangled and run down, but it will do. It's only you." Well, sure. Why invite me when it's new? It'll do, it's not for you. It's me. See?

Have fun without me. I'll be here waiting. Waiting to snatch a piece of your happy tranquility for myself. I'll bottle it and keep it under my pillow. Make a wish, make it billow.

I sent smoke signals today. I had no idea what to say. I stirred a pot of ashes. Shortly after that, it crashes. What? My eyelashes.

"Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here, you're mine...and all my fears are left behind."

Yes, please. Pleas! I plea for thee! For me! For WE! Help...I can't see.

I can't predict the future. Hold still...this might hurt a little. You'll feel a pinch, don't move an inch. There, done. Now wasn't that fun?

Oh, yeah. A ton.

Please don't forget me. You're in my every thought. All of you. You make a knot. I can't forget, I won't. I don't. I need you all. I'm tall. I need support, or I'll fall.

What RENT song are you?

You're "What You Own." You often think your life isn't worth living, but occasionally, you remember what you really are put on this earth for... to live
Take this quiz!

So, I had a good weekend. Almost. It was much needed. I've been having a sort of tough time with life...dealing with it and what not. Missing BJ, depression, illness, the no money thing can get ya down... I just got real tired of my life.

I asked BJ Friday night, how can we change this? What if I can't make it? What if I can't keep doing this? How would we be able to change the situation. He said just to trust in the Lord, and he'll help us find a way. I know he's right, but at the same time... it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

The next morning brought on a lot of dread. I hadn't slept most of the night, every possible bad thought was endlessly invading my mind. I had somehow signed away my life for awhile, working from 7am to 11:30pm at the Bou'. Don't know how THAT happened, but it did. I wasn't thinking clearly, I dunno.

Everything had been mounting for awhile, so Saturday morning I had to sit myself down, and take some deep breaths, so I wouldn't just altogether explode. I set myself up for failure. I have Satan a way in. I said "I'll be able to make it if I'm not on front register." So I get there, and see that I'm on DT orders, which is FINE. But then Caity rushes back to change it, so she can have her sister where she wants to be instead. VERY wrong, but that's where I was stuck. I said "Caity, please don't do that. I have a sixteen and a half hour shift today!" She shrugged and brushed it off. That's when it all snowballed.

I couldn't function. I found myself walking intho the back room repeatedly, trying to stop the panic attack that had been trying to get out for weeks. I started hitting myself in the head, trying to knock out the screams. It wasn't working. I ended up sitting down and talking to Lauren for awhile, before calling BJ, trying to find that much needed comfort. Sometimes it all just gets to be too much. Why am I back here? Why isn't BJ with me? Why am I not with him? And then you think about all the medical issues that I can't afford, the fact that I've been working there for over a month without any paycheck... figured it would happen, right? I have a car payment due, I have meds to buy, I'm sick, I'm miserable, I'm lonely... I don't see anybody, and I can't figure out if that's the way I want it or not.

I'm turning into a total recluse. Sometimes I like it. I turn on a movie and pretend. I don't feel as alone then. The truth is, I think even if I was surrounded by people, I would still be lonely. I would be lonely for BJ. He's stronger than me, of course. But he's also the man. I'm the sappy woman.

After my panic attack subsided, I continued to work my never ending shift. The customers were steady right up until close, and I was nearly dead by the end. I was never happier to go home.

Saturday morning, I woke up way to early considering the events of the previous day. Up at 8, I ate some breakfast and decided to indulge in a bit of my childhood. I watched "The Little Mermaid" from start to finish, remembering how my kindergarten mind had interpreted the dialogue I didn't understand back then. That was fun.

Later that afternoon, my dad made good on a promise to take me camping. My, Dad, Mom, and Jamie all headed out to Jay Cooke state park, and found the most BEAUTIFUL camp site. Aside from setting up the tent in the backyard with friends, I hadn't been camping in years.

We set up camp and then went on a hike around the park. We lost Dad somewhere along the line. After the hike, we went and bought some food to cook on my dad's camp stove. It was so much fun. We had hot dogs and baked beans. True camp food.

Jamie and I shared one tent, my parents took the other. Jamie got a gushing bloody nose right when we got settled, so that wasn't pretty. He got blood EVERYWHERE in the tent.

The next morning we made bacon, eggs and toast. Yum! I caught up on my devotions while Jamie and Dad played guitar. After that, we packed up and headed out. We stopped at another state park on the way home, and went on a little mini hike along Kettle River.

NOw we're back, and I work tomorrow. I was supposed to work tonight, but I had someone cover for me.

I guess that's all for now, until something spectacular happens to me! Or...something...

You Are Royal Blue

People find you difficult to understand. In fact, you often find it hard to understand yourself. You think so much that sometimes you get lost in your own thoughts!

What Color Blue Are You?

Wow, I agree. This one actually works. That's me all right. ESPECIALLY the royal part. I'm not head peasant anymore! Beat THAT Pope! Dirt flinger...

It's fun finding random pictures on random discs in random places. I miss my cousins. Kyle and Zach. We used to be so close. They live in S. Carolina now. Kyle and I were best friends once. He called me Coco. Kyle and Coco. All Zach did back then was run around in his underwear with a towel around his neck, proclaiming he was the great and powerful "Zac-a-wee!" I used his tire swing without permission, so he found the biggest rock he could lift, and threw it at my foot. My pinky toe nail fell off... The great and powerful Zac-a-wee got in a "wot of twubble"... I really do miss them.

So, not much has changed, really. I'm sick a lot, though... and missing BJ really takes a toll after awhile. I'm tired all the time. But I'll stop whining, I promise. Today at Caribou absolutely sucked. It was really busy, and I was having lung issues...(can I get new ones already?) And I kept having coughing attacks. I had a million things to do, would ask for help...and people would look away and pretend they didn't even hear me. That was SO aggrivating! My only ally ended up being the most unlikely person ever! I would be completely bogged down, and there would eb people leaning against the wall, arms crossed, scowling at me going "Corrie, do you have that cooler yet? Where's the vanilla breve? I need three vanilla coolers and an oreo snowdrift!" And I would just look at them and say "Sorry, I can only do five things at once." Screen FULL of drinks, me alone on DT BAR!!! and then people on a power trip (no names mentioned) are telling me to make whips, get ice, and empty coffee urns. I DON'T THINK SO!

Anyway, I couldn't get out of there soon enough. I felt like so many parts of me were about to explode. I'm so tired of people smoking in the drive-thru. I end up wheezing the rest of my shift and sounding like a freak. Hack, cough, wheeze. I really AM a sickly kind of person. That sucks! I love my co-workers, but too many of them have superiority complexes. Makes me want to tear my face off. I was so overwhelmed, so tired, so sad, and so sick. I got out of there as soon as I could, collapsed in the car and just cried.

Life is hard right now, and everywhere I look I'm blasted in the face with another complication. I was informed I'm over 3 months away from health benefits. I'm barely keeping up with 20 hrs/week to GET the benefits, and you have to have that straight for 3 months. So even though I feel sick enough to go to a doctor, I can't GO to a doctor. It hasn't killed me yet, and I can still function like a semi-normal person.

I really really miss BJ. I just want him to hold me and never leave. That would be wonderful. Curl up and watch a movie with me, I want to lay my head on his shoulder with his arms around me, while he literally whispers "sweet nothings" into my ear. I want to disappear into yesterday until it's time for tomorrow.

Highlight, I get to be home with my family, yes true. Jamie cracks me up. He's currently rehearsing something that can only be referred to as an undoubted hidden track gem on his debut album. It's entitled "The Two Faced Cheating Lying Lawn Gnome". It's hilarious! He recorded it, and played it back high speed.

Well, that's enough complaining for one day. Life is tough. Get over it, right? I found a little name game thing, and decided to partake. Enjoy! And partake of as well if you so choose!

CIAO!



1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (middle name and current street name)
Erin Sharon

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME:(grandmother on mom's side, your favorite candy)
Beverly Dove

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)
C-Kil

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Sheltie

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Erin St. Paul

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Kilergcod

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards)
Nire


8. PORN STAR NAME: (first pet, street you grew up on)
Snickers Ryan

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your mom has)
The Blue PT Cruiser

I laughed... it was funny!

You Are 32% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Things are pretty okay, although I really miss BJ. I saw a movie today that I had been wanting to see for quite awhile. "The Lake House". It was so good! Or maybe I just loved it because I'm a girl, I dunno. Had all the things I loved about "Frequency" and more. It was a great love story. I just get so gushy when a man tells a woman he wants to take care of her. I want to be taken care of!

I cried like a baby toward the end, but made sure to get rid of the tears before the lights went up. Love stories used to make me sad because I didn't have anyone, now they make me sad because I have someone, and he's so far away!

I can't wait to stop feeling like I'm going backwards. Forwards please! Happily ever after, please. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, Caribou is Caribou. Busy busy busy. Same old same old. My two favorite regulars, Pat and Janine... they've been coming through my drive-thru since I started there back in November of 04'. ANYWAY. They love me, I love them. Pat calls me "Miss Alabama". Last weekend, Pat and Janine were headed to the opening and dedication of a new public park, in Stillwater, MN called Teddy Bear Park. Pat's brother-in-law had donated all the funds for the completion of the park, so Pat and Janine had volunteered to hand out teddy bears all day at the big celebration. They were telling me about it before they headed over there, and I begged them to bring me a bear if they had any left, since I had to work all day. They said they would, but I didn't believe them. Well, they came through today, and Pat was like "Miss Alabama! I was hoping you were working today! I have a present for you, dear!" And I was expecting the bears to be like little cheap beanie babies or something, but instead it was a really nice full size teddy bear...very very soft, wearing a sweater that says "Teddy Bear Park, Stillwater" with a paw on it. I was the envy of all my co-workers. (all girls, of course) They all wanted a bear, but apparently I'm the only one who takes the time to flirt with old men and make splenda jokes...I get rewarded, my friends. Naw, they're my pals! And they love me.

Sometimes it feels like my customers are my only friends...sad, sniffle sniffle. I always feel appreciated when they ask for me by name. I love to be loved!

ANYWAY...that's all for now. More later!

ME!

That is a picture of Nicole, Kelly, Me and BJ. Nicole just sent it to me, it was taken last August. There has been a lot of miscommunications and what not, and it's all very unfortunate. Nicole and I both probably could have had a good friend when we needed one, if only...if only. Which is a good song! AND the name of a fan fiction I started...never finished, surprise, surprise. I used to pride myself on how original my fanfic beginnings were. They WERE good! But all I'm good at is beginnings. The rest takes work. Much like relationships. I'll get better. If I can, anyone can! (hint, hint)

So here's to new beginnings, and making them turn into good stories, with no end in sight. TADA! Love you.

ME!

Things are quite possibly looking up for me, for Kelly, for me AND Kelly, for me and other people. Anyway! If you haven't read Kelly's journal, you should. She has good news. The summary of said good news? She got an apartment...a very KELLY apartment, downtown WBL. I'm sure we shall post pictures of it someday in the not too distant future. It's very...right for Kelly. All the info behind how she/we found it and what not is all on her journal, which you can read via the link on the right. She's happy, which is splendid.

I also have good news. I might get a job at Lakeshore Players, the little community theater here in White Bear Lake. I auditioned there once for "Joseph.." I was so stinking nervous, I danced into the wall. I was so traumatized, I never went back! Kelly and I saw "Always, Patsy Cline" there. Lakeshore pretty much sells out every show, and they really do a good job. I used to usher there back in junior and senior high. I loved it, saw the shows for free!

Anyway, I think I get an interview today. If nothing else, she wants me to stop by with a resume, so we'll see what we see.

So, that's all I have to report for now. More later maybe. BYE!

I spent some good time with Nikki yesterday. We finally watched Nicholas Nickleby together. I had been wanting her to see it for years. She loved it. I knew she would.

In the midst of all the drama, I think I forgot to mention that Nikki DID in fact come visit, and it was great. Poor thing had to winess a lot of tears and struggles in just the few days she was there, but... she was so wonderful to have there. Endless thank yous go out to Carolyn, who was the entire reason why that visit was possible. I was so glad she was there. Making her laugh made me feel so much better, and I'm good at making her laugh. That's one thing I'm good at. The only other thing I'm really good at, is pretending to be someone else. Another reason why Nikki and I originally bonded. Distant Stare, Now and Forever. We were Angel and Becca. Don't know? Then you're just not special enough.

Anyway. It was great spending time with her. She's so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it. Here's a picture of her and BJ when we were dropping her off at the airport. Despite our differences and distances, Nikki and I will always be friends. I laugh more with her than with anyone, no matter what.



Anyway, it was good to see her yesterday. She just turned 21. We're both so "good" though, that that didn't mean a darn thing to her either. I always miss her.

So, the same thing just happened to Kelly that happened to me with Lynn. Found a woman to live with, and she changed her mind. At least Kelly didn't have months of "I can't wait for you to be the daughter I never had, I'm so excited to love you, I'm so excited to share my home with you. This is a God thing!" -- because that was just plain evil!

She's real down about it all, and things the walls are falling in around her. I know how that feels. I guess she also feels like lashing out. I'm well within reach, so go for it.

Leaving Alabama was a blessing to Kelly, leaving bad behind. I was leaving all my good behind, all my happy. Yes, I encountered a LOT of problems there as well, but BJ was there. Nothing good comes out of being without him. I don't think Kelly really understands that. I was just as happy to get out from underneath Benlee's watchful eye, but I actually had to leave something major behind. Kelly left a lot of material possessions. So did I.

She keeps reminding me about all the sacrifices she made for me, and all the things she paid for with her tax return and cell phone deposit money, because I was literally penniless. She won't let me forget. If I never had to borrow a cent from ANYONE, that's how I would prefer it. Kelly is an extremely generous person, and I've always appreciated the things she's done for me. She also wants to make sure I don't forget how generous she is, and how much she's done for me.

If I could give her all the money in the world, I would. If I could pay her back plus interest, I would. The key words here friends, are IF I COULD, because I can't. I owe everybody for everything, and for what? To be back in a place I thought I was done with forever?

Before I got back here, I thought I would automatically feel comforted by familiarity. The same streets, the same sounds, the same smells. The same people, the same places... same old same old. Instead it all just makes me sad. The same harsh words are thrown at me for staying in my room too long. Well, I don't feel welcome anywhere else, so where am I supposed to go? I want to be alone most of the time, and that makes me unforgivable.

I don't know what to do. I'm humiliated. I had thrown caution to the wind to set out on an adventure that met with one disaster after another. Nothing was destroyed though, except my ability to stay. I begged Kelly to move down there so we could get a place together, yes. If she wants to blame me for ruining her life...like she seems to be doing, that's fine. Alabama was a waste of her time, of her life. But not mine. Opelika was a waste of my time, of my life. The main reason I pushed Kelly to move, is I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to have to go through what I went through with BJ. I thought they would be able to have a normal dating life right off the bat. I didn't know they would be planning a trip down the aisle so soon. THat was Benlee, but...I still didn't expect it.

I wanted her to be with the man I thought would make her forever happy. Neither of us knew him, so I won't be blamed for pushing. Everyone pushed. Everyone shoved. Everyone crammed dreams into a little sardine can, and it expoded. We're all messy now.

I am completely humiliated. Crawling back with my tail between my legs, my head hung in shame, defeat, failure. I thought my life was finally taking off, and instead I get knocked down to my butt again, and all they can do is kick me when I'm down.

I'm not doing enough to repay Kelly for her unbelievable kindness and generosity. She's only asking me for a FRACTION of what I owe her, and all I do is crab crab crab. My parents are so kind and generous allowing me to stay here, when I don't belong. They are so kind to remind me that I shouldn't be here, that I should be out on my own. They don't want me here, but I'm their daughter, so they won't turn me away. I need to get back on my feet, they tell me. I'm 22 years old, they tell me. Thank you. I forgot.

Kelly feels like she's gone through so much more than I have. She's lost so much more. She's spent so much more. So much in fact, that I could never repay her. She's probably right. She could afford to get herself out of a mess she got herself into. I couldn't. I didn't have anyone to hold onto except her, and just kind of hang on for the ride. She zipped out of Alabama, and here I am. It's true we had nowhere else to go. WE had nowhere else to go, nothing to do but get out. Nothing for two. Somethings for one.

She was going to go to Connecticut. Would I still be a villain if she was in Connecticut? Would she still think I owed her the world if she already owned it? Her world was on the East coast. She was so happy when the opportunity presented itself again. She changed her mind. Is that my fault too?

I will owe her for the rest of my life for her getting me back to Minnesota. Does that mean I owe her for all this misery? I am so unhappy at times, that I can't breathe. Or is that my normal breathing problems? I can't tell the difference. I'm out of medicine. I'm out of sanity. I went backwards. I was supposed to be moving forwards, and I'm back here again. Back to then. Back to blah. Back to Caribou? That's not happy. Soon Kelly will be in charge of me there too. Will that make her happier?

I can never repay, I can never live up to what they want. Any of them. I have someone to love, someone to love me, and I still stare in the mirror, hearing my mothers words, hearing his father's words, and thinking that I will never be good enough for anyone. Where do I go from here?

I am a failure. I am a nothing. No, I'm not a nothing. I am somebody's someone. I am my everything's everything. I am in love, and loved. Which is right? Love is not enough, or love is all there is? I can't remember the good words, sometimes. Only the bad. Why does the mind work that way? You remember what you owe and to whom, but you can't remember why. You can remember who owes you and how much, but you can't remember why you had to help them in the first place. If you did remember, you would think there would be more understanding. More compassion.

I'll pay when I can. I have four dollars. Do you want it? I'll give it to you. You still have more than me. You have so much more than me. I'm not asking you for anything. You give with the assurance of recieving in return? I'll pay you back someday. Just don't remind me everyday that I have to.

I wish I always had the answers. I wish I never had to ask for help. Help isn't free, and it shouldn't be. When money is concerned, those who always need help with it, are the ones who owe the most. The ones who need it need to give it when they get it. It sucks! Jouvenile as it sounds, it sucks it sucks, it sucks.

Life's not fair. The sooner you accept that, the soone you can see the beauty in it. The beauty behind God's design. Appreciate the picture instead of the brush strokes. See everything, not selected selections.

Don't ask me, don't confront me. Take it for what it is, a journal. My journal. People ask me why I lay it all out on a public table. I don't really know. It's easier to keep up, it's sometimes fun to share. The personal things people learn about me along the way...I guess I always cling to the hope of mutual understanding. World peace! Yeah right. It just is what it is. Take it or leave it. I don't care either way.

I love you, BJ. 7 weeks and five days. I love you so much.

Hey all. Caribou is pretty good. It's weird after not being there for six months... but I fell back into it easily enough. It's certainly better to not have Elke there. A lot of the pressure has mysteriously disappeared. I don't know how that happened... hmm.

I'm trying to figure out the health coverage thing. I have less than 2 weeks left with my last inhaler, and no insurance. Most coverage from employment doesn't start until 3 months in, but since I'm a re-hire, Michael, the new manager is trying to find a way around that. I should be up to a full 40hrs in about a week. We'll see what happens.

ANYWAY. I have a lot on my mind, but nothing that I particularly want to write about. There are eyes I had never planned on who rest on this page from time to time. That doesn't really bother me, it just kinda... well, it's weird. It just is.

BJ is still coming in August, and so far the plan looks like his dad, Jack will be joining us. We have a whole amazing list of things that are going to be going on. Camping up at Split Rock, Valley Fair, the drive-in movies, The Mall Of America, water parks, boating, fishing, swimming in WBL... necessary things. And then there are just the typical Corrie and BJ activities. Making movie parodies, playing with the dogs, talking, cuddling, smoochin...*sigh* Can't wait!

So I thought I'd include a picture in here. I just found it down in my dad's old office, and I had forgotten about it. We got these pictures developed LAST YEAR... my dad had discovered four rolls of undeveloped film in my mom's dresser drawer, so he was curious, and turned them in. My brother is like 2 or 3 in this picture, and he was 16 when they were finally developed! It was like opening a time capsule when we got the pictures back. Some weren't THAT old, but most of them were. And since the whole Superman thing is coming up soon, that grand old "S" is everywhere, so here's my contribution. My baby brother... who is now a giant that towers over me. But not then! I now present to you...

SUPER JAMISON!



That is just too cute! I love it. ANYWAY. That's all for now. Maybe I'll feel like writing more later. Until then...

Au Revoir!

ME!

I start at Caribou on Saturday. Wee. Let's hope it's better than last time. Yup.

This entry really has no real point. Things are pretty much the same. My mom is on my back about everything, and I'm confused about everything. YAY! But not about BJ. I love him. NAF. ANYWAY! I was browsing my Dad's picture files on his computer, and found some old favorites...well, just old. NEW favorites, because I had never seen them before. So, I thought I would share. Some are from 2002, when I looked very different. Different hair, and braces. And yet, the only pictures I've ever seen of myself in which I really truly found myself the slightest bit attractive. Odd? Yes. There have been a few since then, but very seldom are these pictures. ANYWAY! On with the show.



This is me and the elusive Candace. The last time I saw my sister was later that year. This picture was taken on Thanksgiving, of 2002. The last time I really saw her was Christmas the same year.



This picture is of me and Sunnie, somewhere near Christmas I believe. 2002 again. Just so you know, our hair may match perfectly, but I got it done first. First!



Just the faces. Do we look like sisters? He he he.



This picture is HILARIOUS! My dad the hippie. Oh, gosh! It's so bad it's great. His eyes look so droopy! This was one of those pictures where someone tries to get your attention, and you look up, and the picture haunts you for the rest of your life. This was back in 02' again, when my dad had vowed that he would not cut his hair until he retired. It got longer than it is pictured here, and he began to believe that we were ashamed to be seen with him. That's possible... anyway, he cut it. But that's hilarious!



This picture makes me laugh! I don't remember it being taken AT ALL! It was our hiking trip up North (me and my dad), and I look so confused. I have no idea what I was looking at, but I totally look stupid. "Water? What's that?" Oh, gosh. HAHAHA!

Anyway! That's all for now I guess. I really had nothing all that important to say. Just wanted to share my discoveries. There are more, of course. But I'll save those for later. BYE!

You Are Jean Grey

Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after ). Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally! Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals

Which of the X-Men Are You?

I should never write in the wee hours of the morning. Morning always brings a little sunlight. I talked to BJ again around 2am. He had had his friend Nicole over.

We uncovered quite a few more fears. Most of them were mine. Why am I so scared of everything all the time? Because it feels like I'm going backwards, and before... I didn't have BJ. I didn't have the things I wanted. I'm scared that going backwards means losing things I didn't have before. I know that's crazy...

I was half asleep while I was talking to BJ. But I remember some of the crazy things I was saying. "Time used to bring me things. Bring me gifts. It would bring me promises of 'see you tonight', or 'see you tomorrow'...and now the only promise it brings is months away, and after that...there's nothing. There are little crystals of hope floating around in the air...things I want. But I ignore them. You try to grab onto them, and all they do is let you down. They never keep their word. You have to wait for them to become reality, and that takes forever. Sometimes it never happens."

So on and so on. I do have hope, and I do look forward to things. BJ starts school after he's here in August, so I'm just a little scared about that. He wants it, he needs it, I want it for him, and need it for him. But that probably means I won't see him for a year... between work and school, he can't go anywhere else.

People have done things like this for a hundred years, and a hundred years after me. Their husbands are in the military, or something like that. I just feel sometimes like I already did all that, and now it's time to be together. Most people got to date in person, and spend time together, and all that stuff. We did it backwards, so that's why it feels backwards now.

Ok, enough complaining. There are a lot of lessons to be learned here. I'm not gonna lose BJ. He's not gonna lose me. We won't let that happen. I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm glad he's stronger than me... I just wish it didn't seem so uneven at times. BJ is such a blessing, and the reason why this is all so hard, is just because I love him so much. I want to be with him. My heart hurts.

Anyway, in other news... my room is an easter egg, but I'm trying to make it my own. My mom turned it into a room fit for a 12 year old, with bunnies, and dolphins, and purple/lavender everything with a big lime green rug, and flowers everywhere. It IS pretty, it's just not what I would have picked. But it's going to be a guest room "when I'm gone"... whenever that will be. Everyone makes preparations for when I'm not around, that's so...great!

So I tried adding some of my personality up. RENT poster, pirate calendar, Garnier print, Brian Littrell, theater stuff, and lots of picture frames.

So that's all for now. I wish my head would shut up.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test