Oh, thank you Lord. Last night was wonderful. BJ and I had the most amazing conversation. Everyday inside of everyone, there's a spiritual battle going on. I just feel like mine has been intensified. Depression has tried to sneak back in, and I couldn't let that happen again.

I've been dealing with a lot. I'm overly concerned with the past, and how people view me in the present. I've always liked to believe I don't care what other people think of me, but that is so far beyond the truth. I care. I care too much. My physical appearance has always been a factor with that...and attacks on that perception come several times a day.

BJ and I had a conversation last night, with God right in the center of it. Everything that's been pushing me down was gone. The evil images, thoughts, and memories in my head were gone for the first time in months. They couldn't even come close to me last night. It felt so good. I had tears in my eyes from time to time, as BJ and I really laid it all out on the table. We discussed in detail how everything in our past lives has prepared us for our relationship.

BJ had a previous relationship, I never did. It didn't go well for him. There were a lot of mistakes, a lot of shame, and a lot of action out of obligation. He wasn't happy with it. Sometimes I have a problem dealing with his past, because I didn't have any similar experiences. He's very honest about it, and has told me absolutely everything. Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's better or worse to know everything. Of course it was before he knew me, but certain things about our relationship that I truly treasure, were someone else's before they were mine. He made promises of forever to someone else. I never have. Sometimes thinking about all that really pushes me down. He's my first, my last, my only. I'm not his first, but he tells me I'm his only. He was with Laura for 2 and 1/2 years, but I get forever.

Since the beginning of our relationship, I have been compared to Laura. Everyone in his family has had something to say. They never portray Laura as anything but a prolonged mistake, making me look better in the long run. BUT-- I don't know her at all. I only have to go on what my future in-laws have to say. "You're so different from Laura, thank God! She would say..." blah blah blah. I can't wait to stop being a Laura comparison, and just start being me. I'm nothing like her, so let me be myself. She seemed to be everywhere. But BJ put everything Laura in the bottom of the trash can. Pictures, papers, stuff. There was a lot of her, but not now. Now she exists only in history.

That's been a struggle. Since BJ has only had the one past relationship, it was a big deal both during, and after. It greatly affected his life. Sometimes he wishes that relationship had never taken place, but at the same time realizes (and has told me many times) that his relationship with Laura had to happen, he had to make all those mistakes. Doesn't mean God necessarily wanted him to be in a relationship like that, but since he went ahead and did it anyway, he wanted him to learn from it. BJ faced a lot of conviction and guilt during that time, but came out of it gratefully. He was glad it ended, and felt free. Because of that, he was able to realize and embrace all the lessons he learned from his mistakes.

Both BJ and GOD have told me that since BJ went ahead with that relationship, God decided to bless him anyway. He needed all of that in order to become the man God knew he had to be for me. And it's true. He made a lot of mistakes with Laura, so he wouldn't have to make them with me. My life hasn't been easy, and sometimes I make loving me difficult. BJ has learned to stick it out, just like he did with Laura. He tells me he felt like that relationship was over after the first six months, but he held on because he believed love to be a choice, and he had to choose to stay in love with her, and therefore try harder to make it work. He wouldn't give up until he had done absolutely everything he could to make it work. I asked him then "If love is a choice, does that mean you could choose to stop loving me?" And he looked at me, and said "No way. That's impossible."

The latest person to compare me to Laura was Kris. He did it in BJ's journal, which BJ later deleted. He said that he honestly believed that Laura was a better match for BJ. He didn't mean it. He was saying a lot of things, but that's the thing I had been inwardly struggling with...so it stuck to me. Laura reads BJ's journal. Reading that gave her power over me without her even knowing it. It probably made her feel good about herself, but... Kris didn't even like Laura. He probably did in the beginning, just like he did me. But BJ is and was devoted in relationships, and jealousy comes into play a lot when a friend finds someone they want to be in a relationship with. They end up spending a lot of time with that person. I think when BJ fell in love with me, Kris started viewing me the same way he did Laura. One problem though... I'm not Laura. I never demand "us time". I encourage his friendships, and feel guilty that he doesn't really see anybody anymore.

I've read old entries from BJ's journal, and have read all about his friends. Friends he never sees anymore. He says a lot of it has to do with Huntingdon. He took time off from school, so since he didn't see them around campus, it was easy to slip away. He also says seeing them makes him feel guilty for not staying in school. He associates a lot of those relationships WITH Huntingdon, which really isn't fair to the people who genuinely thought of him as a friend all around.

I don't believe I ever did anything to hurt Kris the way he thinks I did. When I entered into my relationship with BJ, I entered with a lot of insecurities. I had no one on my side...I was entering a world where no one knew me, no one could vouch for me... I was entering BJ's world as an outsider. I was so scared. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to make good impressions. When Kris started disliking me, I was devastated. I was failing. Kris had a network here, I didn't. I didn't have a support system, I didn't have anyone to stick up for me. I wanted so badly to be accepted and liked... and it wasn't happening. I can honestly say I never wanted anything, but to be Kris's friend. I never did anything but exist, that resulted in the distancing of Kris and BJ's friendship. They still get together and do things, and the only thing that bothers me is that I feel like I can't be a part of that. BJ's always open and honest about his time and conversations with Kris, but parts of me still feels like he feels guilty...like he's having an affair or something. I can't deny I don't feel that too...because who wants their boyfriend to hang out with someone who thinks his girlfriend is an evil life ruiner?

Kris said a lot of hurtful things. I told him he was cruel. He told me all he ever saw in me was bad. That's why I said he was cruel. Mainly because he had never seen me at all, so he never got the chance to recognize anything good OR bad. He never got to know me, he never talked to me after that first trip down here. I guess I'll never know why. I know what he SAYS happened, but I still cling to the hope of hearing the truth. I don't care what the truth is, it's always better than the "not truth"

Kris says he no longer has a problem with me. He says he's glad BJ's happy. I just hope someday he takes the time to really get to know me, and then he'll see... he did an amazing thing in getting me to come down here in the first place. It was his idea. Whatever his motives were, he succeeded in making his best friend very happy, and me happy...which might not matter to him, but it matters to me.

Anyway, after that long conversation last night... I took a little time with God and myself...and I forgave. I forgave everything and everyone. Things I didn't even know I needed to forgive. And now... the son is shining.

I don't know how many people read this journal o' mine. It was linked to BJ's, and I make posts other places, so who knows how many people click and read. If Laura reads this... I'm grateful to you for helping BJ become the man he is today. You probably didn't know that's what you were doing, but you did. And he's wonderful. I'm glad your relationship with him happened. I only hope you learned as much as he did, for you to use with the one God has chosen for you.

If Kris reads this...I look forward to talking to you. I still cling to the hope of trying those tacos you promised me way back when!

And if Kris's Mom reads this, thank you for EVERYTHING you've done. Everything with Kris, and everything with the medical aspect of my life. I have an appointment on Monday.

And if no one else reads this except BJ and Kelly, I'm okay with that too. I'm kinda glad I wrote about what I wrote about. I had stayed away from it, but it's out there now. So to Kelly... hang in there. And to BJ (who just called to say he loves me on his short trek to the little Oaktree gas station from the main store...I love you too!) I love you so much. From my beginning to your end and back again. (smiles) Thank you for your patience, and your understanding. Thank you for last night. THANK YOU GOD FOR LAST NIGHT!!! He really has blessed us, BJ. I treasure every moment with you, especially those that we put God in the center of. You're my miracle. I doubted your existence for way way too long. Now you're here, and I thank God for you every day.

This ended up being a longer entry than I had anticipated. I feel freedoms in things that tied me down before. I'm grateful to everyone who helped me get there, even though some people didn't even know they were a part of it. God used your pasts to teach me things, and then blessed me and BJ with that wonderful conversation last night.

I think I could go on all day long...so I guess I will stop now. I love you ALL.

ME