Well, I have been dating Conrad for about a year. I would love to say that it's perfect, and wonderful. But it isn't. Not necessarily the part about being WITH Conrad, I really enjoy that part. It's the other stuff. The family stuff.
I don't even know where to begin. I have spent countless hours thinking on every single little detail, and I keep coming back to the same thing. Most of my family all live in the same house. Together. There is almost an unspoken alliance between them. Don't attack each other. But there is a lot of anger, as there usually is in the grieving process. This anger needs a release. I'm the closest target outside of the alliance.
It all began with a Metallica ticket, and spun so incredibly out of control. Apologies were demanded from Conrad and myself, and I'm still not exactly sure why. I've never received an apology. But why apologize to a rock? They have no feeling. They can be kicked, thrown, stepped on, but they stay a rock. They're solid. Well, I don't want to be a rock anymore. I'm crumbling into sand, and sand as we all know, slips away very easily. I'm definitely slipping...
I've written so many letters lately. Some requested, some not so much. So, instead of me reiterating everything that has happened over the last several months, I think I will post the letters. So here you go:
Sunnie, Paul, and Dad.
I just want to start off by saying, I love you all so very very much. I appreciate more than I can even say the fact that you let me keep Dodger there.
I know you think it's irresponsible of me to have Dodger in the first place, but I can't even begin to tell you what a little miracle he's been. I've not forgotten about Cody, not in the slightest. I love him more than any other puppy on the planet. But I'm also allergic to him.
I have been so unwell lately, that's no surprise to you. This happens every winter. It sucks, because I unintentionally become a hermit. I rarely leave the house. Several times when I've left Dodger at the house longer than I had meant to, it was simply because I had fallen asleep for a prolonged period of time. By accident.
You don't have to do anything with him, but I'm grateful that you do. Please don't try and make me feel guilty for decisions you make all on your own. He'll be okay if you don't play with him. I need that puppy, and I need your help. Yes, it was overall not the brightest thing to accept him as a gift, but he has brought me so much comfort and such an amazing distraction. I can't give him up. Maybe I will end up living somewhere else. Who knows. But he's worth it.
As fas as Conrad goes, I don't even know where to begin. I'm so sad about all of this. Yes, when things started out with he and I, it was rocky at best. He said things that really hurt me, but I got over it. He got over it. We got over it, together. Regardless of what you think or believe, people change. He did not initially find me ideally attractive, and I never should have told you that, because all of you throw that in my face over and over again. But i turned to my family for comfort. He doesn't feel that way now, he really doesn't. I can see so many changes, and I want to show them to you too, but you're completely closed off to it.
I know there is still friction between everyone, and I have tried my absolute hardest to help make it better, but we all know it isn't up to me. I met Conrad AFTER Mom passed. He was never a part of that saga like we all were. He's my link to the outside, a link that I think several of us are missing.
I need you to understand how vital he is to me. I've not had anyone to talk to for years. I was strong for you guys, and took care of you guys as best I could. I need to be taken care of now. I've earned it. I need to cry.
I have put him through the ringer. He has had to pick me up off the floor of department stores when something strikes me and the emotions take over. I've gone off on him for no reason whatsoever, and he takes it and holds me.
You don't approve, you think he's awful, you tell me he's going to leave. You say he's not welcome. Sunnie and Paul, I am your sister. Dad, I am your daughter. Conrad means a lot to me, and he has been there for me in ways you guys haven't been and can't be. I don't blame you for that, but the fact alone that he is helping me be able to get out of bed each morning should make you appreciate him.
I love my family so much, and I have always been family obsessed. But I need to step away from the grief right now, we've been drowning in it for so long. I don't think I deserve to be a villian because I like playing Yahtzee with his parents, or going to movies. I don't think it makes me the bad guy because I still get sad every time I walk into that house. Sunnie, you've told me how badly you want to get out of there. How can you blame me for not wanting to be there either?
I have a home that I am proud of and filling with love. I love having you all here. I didn't build this barrier, though. Neither did Conrad.
The issue about the ticket and the money is so minuscule, and Conrad can NOT be blamed for our family difficulties. We lost mom, guys. There is such a huge strain on all of us as a result of that loss, that we're lashing out at each other, and we need to stop it.
Conrad is taking care of me, and helping me through the absolute hardest time of my life. We're all going through it, but we all have to deal with it differently. We know that, we've learned it, we've seen it. Don't be angry with me for how I handle it, that's not fair and you know it.
You don't have to love Conrad. You don't have to welcome him. You don't have to approve, you don't have to do anything. But I'm with him right now, and I'm happy. I have reasons to laugh and get out of my head, and that's so so so very important to me.
I want everyone to be okay with each other, and I've worked towards it as best I can. But what do I do now? What do you want from me now? You say he's no good, and I'm going to get hurt, and you're doing this and saying these things because you care about me... because you love me. It doesn't feel very loving, and I desperately need to feel better.
I can't continue to feel like I am constantly letting everyone down or making people angry or hurting them, simply by trying to make myself feel better. I'm not a selfish person by any means, but I need to figure out a way to take care of me too. A way to put myself on my own list.
I miss you all so much, but I don't know what you want me to do. So at this point, I give up. I'm so tired, and it's winter so I'm constantly sick, and I just want to sleep for like a year.
If you want to have a conversation, that can happen. I had hoped to be spending more time over there when I felt better. The shelties make it hard. As far as yesterday goes, Sunnie... I had to go back to change my clothes and face the landlords. Then I had to help Sarah with something very personal. Don't always think the worst of me. I don't deserve it.
I love you.
Kelly, Sunnie, Paul and Dad,
I don't want to write another stupid email, but I don't have another option. None of you will answer or return my calls, and I don't have a car to come and talk to you, Sunnie and Dad, in person. Not only that, but Sunnie you've said I can't show up to your home unannounced and expect a conversation. You're right. You have a life, an agenda, and that house is no longer my home. I'm sorry for crossing that line.
I know you both feel that I've been untruthful and manipulative. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out exactly what I've done wrong. I over analyze everything and stay up all hours trying to figure out exactly how to go back and make it right, because I need to fix it. But I know I can't.
Kelly and Sunnie, we are all sisters. Since the beginning of time we've talked to each other about each other. There have been embellishments, and hurts, and betrayals, and alliances. Some of us have been closer, and then further apart, over and over, back and forth. We've all been hurt by each other countless times. We grew up so close, that was inevitable.
Kelly, you've talked to me about Sunnie countless times, and how she's hurt and judged you. Sunnie, you've spoken to me on several occassions on how Kelly has abandoned the family, and how you've felt she doesn't care about you at all. I, admittedly have spoken to each of you about the other whenever there have been frustrations on either side. It's what we do. If you want an apology, I will give one a million times over. I didn't intend to make you out to be a monster to anyone, Sunnie. I didn't set out to destroy you, nor would I ever do that. Be it 13 months or not, you're my little sister, and I have spent a gigantic portion of my life protecting you. The bond you and I have, being raised like we were... is something I feel lost without.
None of us are blameless. I will take responsibility for my actions. I didn't lie. I showed up to the house in tears to make things right with Sunnie, telling her I loved her and that I needed her. I admit to feeling desperate and wanting so badly for things to be better, but she claims I barged into her home uninvited and attacked her. I don't understand how "I love you and I need you" could ever be viewed as an attack. It's a common word being passed around these days, and it needs to be dropped. If we ARE attacking each other, shame on us. All of us. We're family.
I love my sisters more than I can properly express. "I can never love anyone as I love my sisters." And without you two, I'm completely lost. I'm trying so hard to make it right, but you won't let me. I'm told to give it time, give it time... but I can't.
We all know what Thursday is, and the days that follow. It's not fair to leave me out in the cold, to cast me out like I've murdered someone. We've dealt with these situations throughout our lives more times than any of us would care to admit. Rumors, misinterpretations, things lost and changed in translation. It's because of what we've been through that things are heightened. Please, don't make this all my fault, because it isn't.
Sunnie, you told me repeatedly that you have feelings too, and you've been hurt too. I know that, I understand that, and I have a firm grasp on that. But don't forget that goes both ways. I don't want to hurt you anymore, and I don't want to be hurting. I need my family. I need to make this right.
All of you have expressed a desire for my relationship with Conrad to end. Kelly, you said you will only be there for me when I realize how bad Conrad is for me. It is not fair for ANY of you to make that judgment.
My relationship with Conrad is viewed as hazardous to my own existence by my entire family, and try as I might, I can't seem to sway your opinion. I don't know what you want me to do, I really don't.
We're all struggling to make it through each day, and each have things to help us do that. None of us were thrilled about Dad's cigar smoking, or junk food eating, and even expressed to him at certain times how those things hurt and affect us. But they were helping him personally, so he continued. If all that's over now, this is irrelevant, but it wasn't at the time.
Conrad was a jerk in the beginning, and I confided in my family about that. But he changed. Believe it or not, he changed. He's proud to be with me, I'm proud to be with him. I'm treated like part of his family, invited to every event. I am loved and I am welcomed, but it's a poor substitute for my own family.
Conrad is not your ideal for me, but as I've said, it is remarkably unfair for you to cut ties with me, because of who I'm dating. I would never NEVER do that to any of you. I know there are stresses and hurts and problems. I tried so hard to eliminate those. I really really did. Encouraged communication, and defended BOTH Sunnie and Paul. A lot of it was lighthearted, because I had and still have zero ideas as to how this situation blew up like it did. Everyone, EVERYONE reacted too strongly to things they shouldn't have, placed meanings behind things that should have never been there, and acted in ways they shouldn't have. There's no way to go back and erase it, and start over, and it would be naive of me to say that's what I wanted. It's a lot easier to forgive, than forget.
You've all demanded apologies from both Conrad and myself. I apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I am sorry for talking about Sunnie to Kelly, I am sorry for talking about Kelly to Sunnie, I am sorry for relaying Sunnie's concerns about Dad to Sam, (because Sunnie talked frequently about it, and I was so worried for all of you, and didn't seem to be enough of a person to talk to) I am sorry for initially staying away, I am sorry for getting Dodger and relying so heavily upon you all, I am sorry for being hurt about things I shouldn't have, I am sorry for not speaking up more often on my family's behalf.
Conrad has been prone to flashes of anger that have lead to his own embellishments and I feel badly about that. He gets angry when I'm hurt, or upset. He has a right to feel that way, but please believe me... he knows what he said in certain instances wasn't true. He was defending me. I will defend him too. He's a very good person, with a short fuse. But not with me anymore. Not at all.
I have never been defended by anyone, and I've always been pretty crappy about standing up for myself. I will apologize until I am blue in the face if it means getting my family back. But I've never once been apologized to. Things thrown, doors slammed, phone hang ups... for awful things that were said to me and about my boyfriend. "He's always going to think you're fat and ugly, he's going to leave you, he's not going to be around forever..." Those are not words of love, and they've been nothing but sabotage to my brain.
I needed someone to have dinner with me. Someone to go to movies with. Someone to watch silly TV shows with. Someone to have inside jokes with. Someone to listen to me. Someone to cry to, who didn't have the same exact reason to cry. Someone to distract me. Someone to take me grocery shopping and force me to eat. Someone to fix my car when it breaks. Someone to cuddle with when the dark gets too dark. Someone to remind me to get my medications filled. Someone to nudge me when my bills are due. Someone who will rearrange their schedule when something important happens in my life. Someone who gets out of their comfort zone to make me happy. Someone to wonder where I am and what I'm doing. Someone... I needed someone. You introduced me to someone. He's my someone.
Tell me how to give him up. Tell me how to go back to empty nights full of tears and sadness. I don't know how. If giving him up means having this terrific family life, where I never have to face any of that again, I'll do it.
Mom was my previous agenda. She was where I was going, who was wondering where I was, who was wondering what I was up to. She was who I consistently mattered to on a minute to minute basis. I need that. I need to be a consistent thought on someone's mind. It's holding me together. It's keeping me in place. It's keeping my brain healthy.
I have lost myself before. I have completely disappeared before. I was almost there before I met Conrad. I was almost gone. I was losing me again. If I didn't have him, do I go back to showing up at the house uninvited, and waiting for bedroom doors to open? Do I go back to being lectured that "we all have different schedules, and if you feel like you're not a part of the family, that's your own fault." Do I go back to building stupid resentments against the only people I have because they have their own lives?
Tell me what you want me to do. Conrad makes me happy, and less empty, and human. He is a big reason why I'm making it. We are all grieving, and doing it differently, and remember? That's OKAY!! Stop telling me I'm doing it wrong, please.
Answer my phone calls. Call me back. Treat me like a person instead of a "problem" that's yet to be resolved. Don't leave me here like this, not now. It's cruel. I love you, and need you, and I've said it over and over again.
I have always been family obsessed to the point of destruction. The Berg kids, anyone? Letters to the Elgards? I want family, all the time, all around. I would never intentionally jeopardize or give that up. I'm just like Mom that way. She loved her family. All of it.
It's so hard to not have a family to talk about all of the things that are going on in my life. I'm being told by complete strangers how proud they are of me. How I'm doing amazing things, and working for the Lord. I wrote the Christmas play. I hear it was really good. Conrad came to church with me. He liked it. I went through a class, have a mentor, I'm getting baptized. I'm actually terrified, and can't talk to any of you about it. I don't know if any of you will show up. It's so hard to hear from everyone BUT your family, that you're doing everything right. My family is telling me I'm doing everything wrong.
Sunnie, you claimed even up until now that I'm the one staying away, and none of you have forced me away from you. If that were true...oh, if that were true. You told me I couldn't just come into your home. You were right. Not only that, but I feel remarkably unwelcome. On top of everything, I have a very broken car. I've been housebound for days. Funds are nonexistent, and I'm getting creative. Conrad is working every day, so I get rides TO work from Sarah, and either walk or bum a ride from coworkers home. (Sarah is hardly ever EVER here. It's awesome. Not.) So, I'm not staying away, regardless of what you might be thinking. I've been given zero options.
The other day, Sunnie, I thought you and I were making progress. We texted like you said, for about an hour. Then you stopped, claimed I needed to learn to stop lying to you and about you. I've long since learned my lesson about "improving the truth" when it comes to family. If you think I'm lying, I have an idea for you. Talk TO me, instead of ABOUT me. Otherwise, you're doing exactly what you were accusing me of. That would be very hypocritical.
I'm not a monster, I'm not a villain. I'm still just Corrie, but a Corrie who's struggling just like the rest of you. I miss you. All of you. There's a hole in my heart, and it's creating actual physical pain. I told Mom all the time that the brain has a whole lot to do with how you're feeling physically. You have to have a healthy mind to have a healthy body. I'm failing at taking my own advice. I got really "Corrie lung sick" and stayed that way. Can't seem to get better, because my head is a mess.
Please, can we please be done now?
I love you. So, so so much...
-Corrie
From: Sunnie Killmer
Subject: Re: sisters
To: "Corrie Killmer"
Date: Tuesday, January 19, 2010, 11:08 AM
Corrie~
My dearest sister, I am going to be honest. I do not know what to say to you ever. It's not me ignoring you, it's me so confused and struggling with this time of year. I have shut down, at least for a little while. I can't write to you or say things to you, because in your mind, I am always going to be wrong. I realize you felt I was being condescending, but I was speaking from the heart. What you take as hurt, I wish you could realize I have nothing but love and concern for you. I would love nothing more than to have my sister back, especially right now. But things don't happen over night. None of us know the right things to do, but we're surely learning along the way. Right now, you feel Conrad is what you need. While I respect that, and understand what you're saying ~ I do not agree with it. I support YOU. I love YOU. I need YOU. I am proud of YOU. We all need family. We will get through this crappy time...eventually. But know your family is not out to get you. We know you the best, whether you choose to believe that or not. We may not know your deepest darkest secrets that you share with your friends and Conrad, but we know Corrie. I am giving you space. I want you and Dad to talk. I finally did with him, and layed everything on the table. All my fears about him, all the things that made me angry and sad, and what I needed from him. He says because I did that, he for some reason is happier, even after the loss of his father. As we feel lonley and lost, and we miss Mama, remember...he lost his wife. He is learning to be a single parent. WE are learning how to still grow up. This is a major major learning time for all of us. Wouldn't it be nice to do it together?
~Sunnie
Sunnie, I agree with you completely. I WANT to talk to Dad. His silence is killing me. I've called, left voicemails, sent texts, I cant drive over, I'm stuck. This is so frustrating. I want us to do this all together, but I'm kinda stuck on the other side of the door. I know you're confused and struggling, because I am right along side there with you.
Conrad has changed, and you don't know this version of him. If he ends up being one giant mistake, he will be MY mistake, without an "I told you so" attached. At least I hope so. I really don't think he is a mistake though, Sunnie. He may not be my forever, but he has been a vital friend and companion. I know you can understand that, because you have that in Paul. He will just let you cry.
I don't always think you're wrong, Sunnie. I listen to what you say, and I think about it. I can tell you I've changed, but that takes seeing me, hearing me, knowing me. The classes I took have really...well, I can't explain it. They made me do a lot of writing, and that's something that I learn from very well, writing. Lots of self exploration.
I know you love me, Sunnie, and you're concerned for me. I wish I could tell you you don't have to be, but I know that won't work. I'm constantly concerned about you too. That's why I talked to Sam. I hope you understand that. You were upset about Dad, and I was worried about you. You said how hard it was to be in that house, and I was just so happy that your friend was home. I spoke out of turn, and I'm very sorry for that. I think Dad may have been told I was "bad mouthing" him. I can't think of another reason for him to completely ignore me... my heart is broken. I miss him so much. All of you...
Thank you so much for writing back and breaking the silence. You don't have to overthink or analyze what to say to me or when to say it. If its gonna hurt, I'll get over it. If its on your mind, I want to hear it. There's nothing you can't tell me. I may not agree with it, but thats bound to happen.
I'm getting too wordy and this is turning into a novel. I'm sorry, its the cabin fever. ALthough I did scrub my entire carpet and give Dodger a really bad haircut, and cleaned the microwave, and scrubbed the bathtub, blah blah blah etc etc. My car MAY be fixed today. Or tomorrow. Or not. Who knows?
I want to say one more thing. I acted out of frustration when I talked to Kelly, and I really regret that. Most of the things I said were true, but I also knew how hurt and upset you were in each situation, and didn't properly express that. I DID make you look bad to Kelly, and was acting out of hurt and misunderstanding. I want everyone to like Conrad, and that's never going to happen.
He really does try all the time to "let me go" and says that I shouldn't put him before my family. I'm not trying to, and he doesn't want me to. He offers to "step aside" so that I can have my family back, because he's the problem. He really isn't the problem though. I am. It all stems back to me, doesn't it? I shouldn't have told him you mentioned the money. None of this would have ever happened. I didn't think it was a big deal at all, but it grew like a weed and now I'm paying the price. One little sentence screwed me over, didn't it? I had no idea...
Anyway. I love you so much. I hope I see you Sunday...
-Corrie
From: Kellene Killmer
Subject: Re: sisters
To: "Corrie Killmer"
Date: Wednesday, January 20, 2010, 7:46 PM
Corrie,
I haven't been ignoring you. I know it looks that way, as if I just didn't want to communicate with you, but that was not the case. It was not for lack of wanting, but for lack of knowing how.
You knew about my crisis of faith, as did the rest of the family. The thing is, I didn't really talk to the rest of the family about it, other than that one IM argument with Sunnie. After that I felt like I was the black sheep, and I honestly don't know if this was deliberate or not on your part, but I have to be honest about me feelings - I feel like you let me go on thinking I couldn't talk to the rest of the family, that they were angry with me, etc. You didn't say anything about Dad being upset with me, but you said Sunnie and Grandma were, and I kept my distance. Obviously, the issues they had with me (which I know were real) were in no way your fault, they were about me, but I didn't know that they were open to talking to me and weren't judging me, and I don't know if you knew that or not, but I think it suited you better if I didn't.
I don't want any of this to sound like an attack, I'm just trying to tell you what I've been trying to sort through for the last few weeks. It came as quite a blow when I found out the story you told about Sunnie throwing a full can of soda at your head was a lie. You can call it an embellishment or an exaggeration, but the fact is you inflated or inserted elements and presented them to me as fact, but they were not true. I know your frustration with Sunnie was real, but what you said about her horrified me, made me feel more distant from her, distrustful of her, and aghast that she could do something so violent. It deeply colored my feelings for her between the time you told that story and the time I found out the truth, and I realized I'd been shunning her based on a fabrication. I was stunned. This was the first lie I heard about, it opened the door, and stories kept coming.
I know why you wanted to keep me separate, and in a small way I understand it, but it hurts me in a way I can't describe. I was lead to believe lies about my family, lies that kept me from feeling that I could be connected to them without feeling judged, and it appears to be so that you could tell me lies about Conrad. I know, you don't think they're lies, maybe only embellishments or improved truths, lies of omission and what not, but it all shocked me. You tried to paint a pretty picture for me of this harmonious life with Conrad to which the rest of the family had inexplicable objections, but that portrait was undeniably retouched. I heard about him demanding that you cancel a lunch with Grandma to spend time with him. I've heard how he thinks Granted is a stupid waste of time. I've heard about you making tentative plans with Sunnie and then breaking them to be with Conrad. Those things hurt, and I know you know that, because that has been done to you. I didn't mean, in my text, to allude that I wouldn't speak to you until you broke up with Conrad, I meant that I would be there for you when it ends, but in the mean time I didn't want to be a pawn in the middle anymore, lied to about my family so I can be lied to about Conrad. I felt extremely hurt and manipulated. I don't want this to make you angry, I just think you need to know how it made me feel. And I know that right now you think you need Conrad and you're looking at him through a filter that only allows you to focus on the best parts, but he's scary. My own observations combined with the other side of the story I now have give me cause to be very concerned for you. When you were here last July and he was texting you all night long, getting pissed at you if you fell asleep and didn't text him back - you thought that was ridiculous, it freaked you out, and you even said you were going to break up with him when you got home. I know, I know, you're going to minimize it now, you're going to say he's changed, but that's not a simple, modifiable behavior, that's a symptom of some deep, psychological possessiveness that will turn ugly. It's not an if. You're not going to want to hear this, but I'm writing to be honest so here it is - that's a lot like Craig. He was insanely jealous and possessive of Mom, even while cheating on her. Does that mean Conrad is Craig 2.0? I have no idea. Does it look like a warning sign? Absolutely.
A couple of nights ago I read the journal that Mom wrote for me when I was a baby. I didn't know about it until after she died. I couldn't get through it last year, it was too emotional, but this time I read it through and I learned a few things. One, kind of a side note - did you know Mom used to spell your name with a K? I don't think it was ever legal, maybe she was just trying it out, but she didn't write your name with a C until an entry she made in 1986. I think maybe it was one of her quiet rebellions against Craig, even if he didn't know about it, like when she changed my name at the hospital from Kelly to Kellene, since he wouldn't let her name me Autumn. Between a couple of pages near the pack of the journal, there was a yellowed piece of looseleaf notepaper on which she'd written a prayer, and it clearly came from a place of both fear and determination, wanting Craig to just go and stop hurting her, wanting to learn to protect us. It reminded me of my fears for you, and I think I should share it with you, because I think Mom might say something similar now, if she could.
"Do not take what is from my body, do not wonder or look our way, leave alone in your nightmare, disintegrate. This is an abomination, one I can scarcely write about, the fear itself is crippling. I hate your world, it is a bad world, leave this place, be taken out of this universe. God, comfort every parents' worries, shield us from this evil one, lift this worry from us, let this not happen anymore, let this be my plea. I am so grateful for your gift to me, others have ached so, I ache with them, I cannot comprehend, this is madness; the ultimate. I pray to you oh Lord, to show me always the signs of danger, to prevent this, I put my family in your hands, to protect and to guide, to love forever. Keep us as one, always, please. Amen."
I'm not trying to be heavy handed, I'm just trying to share with you what's on my hear regarding you and Conrad, the things you've said about him that contradict one another, and even your defense of him says he gets angry quick;y and snaps, and it's not okay. It isn't something you have to justify or tiptoe around. I know you're terrified to be alone and right now that makes you feel comforted, but I don't want to see you end up like Mom did. I don't want to see you scared and regretful. I almost got myself into that position with Benlee, because I was too ashamed of what you discovered about him to talk to anyone about it, and I was LIVID with you for calling Mom and Dad and telling them what you found. I felt humiliated and like it was a reflection on me, and I didn't want anyone to know. The fact is, Corrie, you probably saved my life. Not saying I'd be dead now, but I don't think I'd have any kind of life that anyone would want. You were bold enough and you loved me enough to let me be pissed at you if that was the outcome, and I'm willing to do the same for you. I love you, and I think you need to love yourself more - by which I mean know yourself, understand yourself, and don't be afraid of being just Corrie. You don't need Conrad to be complete. You don't need him to remind you to pay bills or to keep you company. I know how scary it is to admit that, because I was in the same place with Benlee. Good grief, picture him - talk about settling! But that's how low my self-esteem was at the time. I didn't love myself enough to want better, and I was afraid of losing the crap I had. Can you imagine being afraid to lose Benlee? Yuck. Hindsight is 20/20 though, you know.
All that said, if you choose to stay with Conrad at this point, I'm not cutting ties. You're my sister, I love you tremendously, and I would never cut you out of my life. If I see Conrad in person again I will be personable and polite. I won't be antagonistic or snide. I have said my piece and you know what I think, so I don't need to keep beating you over the head with it. You're an adult and you can make your own decisions. I just hope that you make decisions that strengthen you and help you succeed, and make you truly, truly happy without have to make justifications.
I love you, Corrie, and I wish you more than the best of the best,
Kelly
Kelly-
The biggest problem here is actual physical distance. You are not here, and therefore are being met with a slew of "she said/he said/we saids" and you know what? You are constantly going to hear a million different stories.
As far as your faith struggle, I never ONCE kept you away from talking to anyone. I was completely honest. If they were open to talking to you about it, that's not what they conveyed to me. I was supporting and loving you as best I could. I would never keep your family from you, Kelly. Good grief.
I do not lie about Conrad. I simply don't. At this point, whether or not anyone believes me is irrelevant. i know the truth, and that's good enough for me. This is where you'll be met with conflicting stories, and I will let it be. I haven't got any fight left in me, and a reevaluation of my own life has really put things into perspective, and I'm moving beyond all of this.
Sunnie has been hurt, as I have been. It's rocky and stressed. She and I will have to agree to disagree about things that have happened in the past. I have never canceled plans with her in favor of Conrad. I know how much that hurts too. But I'm not going to combat every point you made.
I did not intend to create a separation, and I recall vividly the things I said to you. I know I'm not crazy. THe only things I had embellished on, was her selling moms stuff without ever talking to me. She talked to me about most things, but it was the few she didn't that hurt and created all of the turmoil in that regard.
Anyway, enough. As you came to be resolved in your happiness with Matt regardless of family opinion, I am the same with Conrad. He's not anywhere close to a Craig, or a Benlee... I've told you wonderful things about him because they were true, and you being my sister, I wanted to share that joy with you. I've no reason to lie about Conrad, or to badmouth the family to make him sound better.
There's one giant fault in your comparisons Kelly. When you were with Benlee, you still had a Mother. The stresses and pressures I've placed on Conrad were nonexistent in your world.
All right, I'm emailed out now. I will talk to you later.
Love,
Corrie
No comments:
Post a Comment