Everyone keeps giving me the same piece of advice. The best thing for a writer to do, is to write every single day. Judging alone by how little I write in this blog, I do a very poor job of meeting that goal. I need to get better about that.

I have no idea what I'm doing in life right now. I'm completely exhausted, and totally lost. I don't know where I belong, or with who. I don't recognize my family, and they don't recognize me.

They tell me how much I've changed since I met Conrad. That's very true. We all have. I met him right when Mom died. It was inevitable that I would change. It's impossible to know how I would have changed had he NOT been around, but he was... I don't think the different I would be would be any better than the different I am. Does that make sense?

They miss who I used to be. I miss who they used to be. The people we all miss don't exist anymore, and I don't think they ever will again. That was a different life, a different time.

It's so frustrating for me to not be able to fix a situation. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I've talked to several people about my relationship with Conrad, and they all draw the very same conclusion. Life with him is better for me right now than life without him would be. He has kept me distracted and safely away from a very very dark place that I was on the brink of succumbing to before I met him.

Life was a very bad place after Mom died, living alone. It still is sometimes, because I'm still alone a lot. I have my puppy, Dodger, and that helps a little. I live a mile away from the only other people I know basically, and they will never meet me halfway. I will always have to come to them, and I will always have to watch what I say, do... endless eggshells.

Paul looks at me like he can't stand me, or just flat out doesn't look at me at all. Sunnie is visually biting her tongue every time I mention Conrad's name. No matter how many times I tell them I need him right now, they view me as selfish and blind. They claim to see things I can't, say they care only about me, and their reasons for giving me the cold shoulder is because they love me, but can't stand him. It's so beyond unfair.

Kelly is visiting right now, and I could see her being pulled in two directions. I wanted her to stay here so badly. We had been planning it for months. I was so looking forward to having some part of my family around again, someone who didn't hate me... or at least act like they do. The day before she got here, she told me her plans had changed and she wanted to spend a couple nights at Dad's house. A couple turned into every single night she was here. I was devastated. BUT... I didn't bring it up once, with the exception of a few texts expressing passing disappointment.

I felt stupid for reserving an entire week to cleaning and reorganizing an apartment no one was staying in. Scrubbing a bathroom no one was gonna use. Buying furniture to impress...nobody. I feel empty. Really empty.

I called Sunnie to try to patch things. I need people to be here. I am so allergic to the shelties now, I can barely handle being in the house. I have been so tired due to several medical issues... and that has been working hardcore against me. I make plans with family members, and wake up hours later, extremely confused. I get texts wondering why I hadn't shown up. Why can't they call me? Why can't anyone ever call me?

I feel so pushy. I feel like nobody wants me and I am just pushing myself on everyone. Not just family, but EVERYONE. Every conversation is so stressed, so strained. I have explained myself and my reasoning, and my needs and wants and all the things I'm told I'm supposed to do, and it comes back to bite me every single time.

I tried talking to Sunnie. I gave it one last shot. I really wanted/needed things to be okay while Kelly was here so we could all be together. It just didn't happen that way, and so here I am home alone again on another Friday night, while my entire family is having dinner together. I can't handle this anymore. Everyone being angry, everyone expecting decisions that I can't make, apologies I don't owe...while I am completely disregarded. I just want ONE person to say they're sorry to me, so I don't feel like such a shell. I want to exist.

I'm told no wrong has been done to me, there's no reason for anyone to apologize to me. Glares, judgements, harsh words, doors slamming, commands, screams... no wrong done to me? I feel like a child who is endlessly scolded for something beyond their control.

"Stop breathing, child. You're so selfish with all that air you're sucking in. If you don't give up breathing, we don't want you around. You're stealing air from us and we can't have that, you stupid child. You can't see how ignorant and selfish you are with all your breathing... go away and breathe somewhere else. We don't want to see it, hear it, or know about it. We'd rather pretend you're not breathing at all..."

I need somebody in my corner. I need someone who can see and understand. I need I need, I want I want. It's just flat out not happening.

Conrad is necessary to me. He gets me out of my apartment and makes me laugh. Do they realize that I would be at the very bottom of a very deep dark well right now if someone wasn't filling that role? Nobody else wants to or is able to fill that role right now, and it's extremely necessary. They have lives. They are busy. It's not rocket science. We're all struggling. We all are trying. We're all failing.

It's all beyond me. I can't make anything better without making myself worse. Just like Sunnie said, she needs to focus on herself and make herself better, and figure out how to get through each and every day. I need to do the same. But tell me how to stop caring? How to stop worrying? How to stop trying to fix things? It's all I've ever done.

But... it's like a botched cake. You try to frost your way out of the ugly, and you just keep making it worse. Or at least I do. Cakes aren't my thing, and apparently, neither are families anymore. Which is awesome...

I don't know who I am. None of us do anymore. We need to figure that out. Then things will get better. The downside, of course? That can take months. Years. Decades.

At this point I have a very strong urge to disappear. Pack up my life and take off. If I could afford it, I probably would. Start over somewhere, cut every tie, burn every bridge. Everything here is too painful, and the moments of relief are so few and far between, that it seems like I enjoy abusing myself. But I don't. I really really don't. I want out.

So... off I go to numb my senses with another TV series. AHHHH... remember when weekends were things to look forward to? Yeah... neither do I...