I can't wait for the cloud of melancholy to dissipate. That may seem like something I may have a bit of control over, but I don't. Every new corner is something else to worry about. Be afraid of. Shy away from. Memories unfolded, brought to light, only to hurt hurt hurt. Not just me, everyone around me. I can't help it. They're not mine.

I miss a life that never existed. I used to shake my head at mom behind her back when she would recall her happy childhood that never happened. She would idealize her Dad, painting this picture of him that truly was never true. I find myself doing the same thing with my mom. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe that's what the brain does to help you survive. Maybe the bad just fades completely away, and you're not even aware of it.

I'm really scared. I'm really paranoid. I'm sabotaging things. Did you know that? Neither did I. I always figure it out when it's too late. I miss my family. But again, a family that doesn't exist anymore. We're all different. We're not here. We're not there.

I spend way too much time alone. Way way too much time alone. I want to be the person everyone wants to be around, but I've never been that person. Why should that change now? Before though, I was content without anyone else. I had Mom. She was my friend, enemy, nurturer and torturer all in one. She would tell me lies and insult me, while holding me and promising me the world. She was my balance, my anchor, my insanity.

How do you move no from that? How do you relate to people? I have not a single clue. People focus on these tiny, small problems. I see their answers right in front of them, and they just keep running around in circles acting insane... but I'm the crazy one. I can't see my own answers, so maybe I should just fix everyone else's problems. Haha...right. They think I'm crazy.

Why do people suck so hard? Hahahaha... they really do. Empty promises, but accusations filled to the brim with misinformed opinions. Blah blah freakin blah. I guess I felt like rambling today. But now I feel like crawling back to my couch in my dark dark living room. Good evening...