I am becoming increasingly frustrated. I don't know if I am put here, or if this is where I hide. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I try to force myself into situations and scenarios and events, and I just don't fit. It's hard to hide the jealousy, when everyone around you seems to be pairing off, or becoming a "group" and you are still there, watching.

I flat out say things like "Oh I would love to go with you sometime..." they have no choice but to be polite and agree. I feel so pathetic even writing about this. I am just so sick of empty promises and assurances. What is wrong with me? Nobody likes to feel left behind. It really sucks...

I hate my birthday. It never turns out the way I expect it to. The actual DAY was okay, because I think I banked all my hopes on the party. The party didn't go very well. Five people canceled right before it started. I don't understand why people do that. If you had no intention of coming, or planned on ducking out after half an hour because you had better things to do, why not say no to the initial invite? Save me the time and money.

Rawr.

Don't exchange secret looks as you both struggle to come up with a reason as to why you have to leave. Just go. Don't insult me.

I know there are bigger problems. I have them. I'm just focusing on the stupid ones so I don't freak out too much. I am really frustrated. There are a lot of things I just want to give up on.

Don't talk about me, talk to me. That would really be helpful. Thank you. I don't need someone sending me messages telling me what someone else wants to say or know from me. They can do it themselves thank you very much! We can all speak. Use your own voice.

I can't stand liars. I can't stress that enough. I really really hate lies. If you tell me you can't be somewhere because you need to be somewhere else, don't run away like a scared puppy when I catch you in your pathetic lie. Oh... I am so going to lose it. I am seriously angry. Angry and sad, really.

I need you to realize I'm worth it. I matter. I'm extraordinary. I would do anything for you. I am the best friend you will ever have. I am going to make it someday, and you will want me then. I can't wait to not want you anymore. I can't WAIT!

Time to get to work on my dreams. I have to make them happen. I have to feel like I have contributed something to this world...

goodbye.

I am getting older in one week. Well, I suppose I get older every day. But my official birthday is one week from today. I will be 28 years old. I started this blog nine years ago. Is that insane or what? Wow...

I have been re-reading old entries, and try not to laugh at the things I was so concerned about before. So many of those things ended up being so trivial. Life got so much more REAL.

I am in a pretty great place right now. I'm not completely sure that I've reached exactly who I want to be yet, but I feel like I'm getting closer. Writing certainly helps.

I am actually somewhat excited for Christmas this year. Although I don't have the money I wish I did to buy everything I wish I could. Conrad is so generous with his gift giving, and I know we joke about there being a competition, but I really do feel like the loser. I just feel like I can't ever get him what he wants, and I feel really bad about that.

I love that he loves Christmas as much as I do. It's really exciting to get excited with someone else. Fuels the fire!

I got Izzy's picture taken with Santa last night. It was so cute!!! I felt a little cheesy, but since Sunnie is working as a Santa's helper this year, I got the pictures for free. So hey, why not?

The hardest part of any holiday of course, is missing Mom. I don't think that will ever go away. Her heart, her traditions, her passion for entertaining. Her touch is everywhere this time of year. I love and miss her so much... I wish I had someone the least bit comparable to her somewhere around, but I don't. There's a bit of her in each of my sisters, but that's as close as it gets. She was truly a one of a kind...

Well, tonight is Disney on Ice with Crystal and the kids, and I'm pretty excited. I really hope to get back into the swing of the writing thing. It will be good.

If you read this, I'm pretty sure I love you.

Wow.... it has been a long time. Life has changed a lot. A ton.

I have made a lot of new friends through strange connections. It's been good. I quit CARIBOU!!!!!!!!! Best day ever. A lot of friendships slipped through the cracks with that decision, but I knew they were strictly work relationships anyway. No loss there.

Conrad and I were engaged, then broke up in July of 2011. As of now, we are back together. Second chances and all that. We will see what happens.

What else, what else? I have a job now that I really love. It's called Lulu and Luigi, and it's a Pet boutique and "Grooming Pawlour". How cute is that? I love it. And I can bring my doggies to work with me. I really enjoy my new co-workers. This is a good job.

My closest friend right now is Crystal. She and I are going to go visit Kelly in January. Kelly was living here for a little bit. From November to the beginning of July. It wasn't as permanent as some of us expected it to be.

I don't live alone anymore. I moved out of my downtown White Bear apartment. Jamison lives there now with his girlfriend Dana. They love it. I don't blame them. I moved short term into an apartment attached to a house owned by a friends' parents. I loved it there, but I was needed elsewhere.

After Kelly left, I took over the "living with daddy" duties. We've all had our turn, and now it's mine. I never believed Sunnie and Kelly when they told me what a challenge it was. Dad doesn't seem to care about anything around the house, and it's literally falling apart. Not to mention he is a tornado of messes. For a neat freak like me, that's not ideal.

Dodger and Izzy love it though. They have a yard for the first time! Not that Izzy steps a foot off the patio... I don't think I had Izzy last time I posted in here. She's a little Yorkie, and she's adorable. She and Dodger have made my life that much brighter.

Christmas is rapidly approaching, which means I'm about to get a year older. 28. That sounds so old! It feels a little happier this year. A little more holiday-ish. Sunnie and I are getting along really well, and I love spending time with her.

I really want to try to keep up with this thing again. I need to be writing again. I need to be ME! I haven't been that in awhile. I know certain things still need changing in order for me to get there. It's all a process. Lots to learn.

Anyway, I think that's all for now. At least I made like ONE entry this year. 2011. You're almost gone. I'm okay with that. I know 2012 will be awesome. I just have a feeling...