Thanksgiving. I gave thanks, as I have much to be thankful for. I recognize and embrace each of these blessings, and I give the glory to God, and I reflect on every little gift he's given me. But I still can't shake this feeling.

I am on the brink of something amazing. I can feel this anxious anticipation bubbling up in my abdomen at least once a day before I squelch it. Why am I pushing it down? Probably because I keep thinking we are not to be anxious for anything.

It's so hard to keep good things inside. I have no problem whatsoever doing that with the bad. It's the good that gets tricky. I want to say everything that pops into my head, and I can't. I have to be guarded. I have to wait. God's timing. In HIS time. Yes, yes...

Here comes the annoying part. I am patiently awaiting God's timing for everything the very best I can, and yet... I feel like it's already HERE! He decided the who, the what, and the why. He showed me everything I needed to know. Still we wait. *sigh*

I want to dote and gush and give, but instead I wait in the background. I can't do too much, say too much. I can't push. It feels like if I do too much in any one direction, I will accidentally break something. I feel like I'm in a crowded gift shop, and I'm shoved into the 'breakable collectibles' corner. I feel like if I even breathe too loudly something will crumble. I can't even move. I want to move.

It's a lonely place to be, trapped here in this corner. All the shoppers are busy picking out the perfect gift. I'm guarding an arsenal of happily-ever-afters, but... I can't buy them yet. Or maybe it's that I've already purchased them, and they're gift wrapped, and I've hidden them away, and now I wait. I wait, I wait, I wait. It's not time yet. That's the PERFECT metaphor. All of these gifts that I have to wait to give. There are so many. So so many.

Here's a question. Am I ready to receive? Yes. Yes, I am. I hang on every positive syllable. I revel in each slip and indication of a hint of a promise. They're there, right under the surface. You can't help but compare it to before. Ah yes, then. Everything was easier then. Everything was simple, exciting, and new. My biggest concerns were the uncertainties, and my own self doubt. Now there aren't any uncertainties. I already know how I'm viewed. I don't need to wonder. I just need to wait.

I'm incredibly human sometimes. You add being female on top of that, and it's just a recipe for disaster. I know all the truths. I know what will happen -- eventually. Try to explain that to my female humanity... it's nearly impossible. I still want the words, the assurances, the fun stuff. Faith is hard sometimes.

Oh well. I know what I know, and I know that if I can remember to remember it, I'll be okay. I know it.