It's truly unfortunate.

Once the shadows find their way in, it's nearly impossible to get them out. It's a long process, and eventually you can lessen the pain, but in all reality, they never really go away.

You try not to think about it. You try to just deal with it the best way you know how. The only people I can realistically turn to are trained professionals that I can't afford. Who can you lay all of this on? No one who isn't getting paid for it. They don't know how to handle it. They just don't.

I can explain myself until I'm blue in the face, but until you've actually been there, which you hopefully never will be, you will never be able to understand. You will feel like you are walking on eggshells, you will be afraid of insulting or offending me. The truth of the matter is, is that you probably will. There's no way around that. People say and do stupid things when they don't understand. I'm guilty of this as well.

I haven't processed most of the things I should have processed by now... if there is such a thing as a 'should have' scale as far as these things are concerned. There are certain areas in situations that are so incredibly sensitive, and I don't want to waste my moments on those things. I don't want to waste breath on explaining things to people who can't comprehend them. To most people it would sound silly or ridiculous. In all honesty, most of these scenarios sound just as stupid to me, which is that much more enraging when I get trapped into one of those situations. Even I am at a loss for words when it happens, because it's just that awful...

I wanted it to be different. It's hard to compete with two people who have the same career and thousands of happy memories, when my individual memories with half of the duo are strained at best. There is heartache, and there is pain. As much as I try to move past everything, it's still there.

They talk about plans that I'm not a part of, weddings I will be in the shadows of, and there is a constant battle going on inside of my head. "I just don't understand why I didn't make the cut," says one half, while the other is "It's such an honor to be included at all, let alone invited!" Which side wins? Your guess is as good as mine. It's eating me alive. I have no control, so there's even a third part of me that wants to control SOMETHING, and withdraw myself from all of it. Say thanks but no thanks, and walk away. Disappear. "I wish I could fly, and magically appear and disappear. I wish I could fly... I'd fly far away from here." It's not something they understand. I know.

I will never be the person I want to be to the people I want to be that person to. It's just the truth. Swallow it, accept it, get over your envy and constant insecurity and deal. You're not her. You never will be. You are not that person to anybody.

I've discovered that I handle myself and other people better when it's just one on one. I get along with individuals. Especially when it is two or people who are pretty great friends, because I'm the newbie. I don't have a lot of long term friendships, so I'm usually the latest addition. Which then translates into them doing a whole lot of talking to each other, and I listen... because I have nothing to contribute to the conversation about what all of your college classmates have been up to. It's so isolating. Mayhaps I should avoid these situations. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now. Truth is, I'm positive they are completely unaware as to how much they talk to only each other. They have no idea. They have catching up to do. And I'm just there. *sigh* Whine, whine, whine.

I thought I had been clear enough about my shopping problems. I don't have a single shopping memory without Mom in it. I thought I had been forward, and thorough. I thought. I explained my shortcomings. I explained my hesitance. I did not, however, explain my department store induced panic attacks. I did not explain that I see her head in every store I go into. I did not explain the hallucinations and chest crushing emotion. Why? Because I can't even say the words out loud without falling apart. I don't let myself cry. I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling vulnerable. I don't need you to fix me, I need you to accept me and my limitations. They did not do that...

I know Lauren didn't know. She's never seen that side. She didn't know my Mom. The panic set in and I had three options. I could count letters, tiles and signs...anything to keep my mind busy. I could do a pain distraction, but after two deep scars on my arm, I'm pretty sure that method doesn't work anymore. The third was to find a focal point and tune out. Anything to avoid what was happening in my head. How could I come out and talk about that? In all truth...she's a stranger to those emotions. She didn't understand. She still doesn't. She wanted to make new memories, but I don't. I want Mama in those memories forever. Shopping was her, and I only did it with her, and I only WANT to do it with her. I realize that's not possible, but it doesn't change what I want. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I wasn't acting the way she wanted me to. She didn't know why, and I didn't explain. I don't know how to explain. I upset her, and she didn't hold back her intention of letting me know that. She was straight forward. I wasn't.

Lauren didn't know, but Nikki did. She didn't defend me. She didn't say a word. I was on my own. The panic got me, and then I told the truth. There was no one there to hold my hand, there was no one there to defend me and explain my actions. As my ears burned with the sounds of Nikki's silence, I realized no such person existed. That was the end of me. Maybe she doesn't know me like I thought...maybe she didn't know.

That's when the shadows got in. Lauren apologized, I apologized, but it's not okay. I'm not okay. It's not fair that I have to deal with these things. Tough cookies...life isn't fair. Nikki had followed me out of the store, and she said she knew exactly why I reacted the way I had. She said she knew...then why didn't she help me?

We drove back to the house, and the shadows were pulling me further and further away. I could feel myself slipping. At first I was unwilling. Then as Lauren and Nikki talked to each other about people I didn't know, Lauren decided it would be good timing to talk about a friend whose Mom had just died, and the funeral she attended. Then I went with the shadows willingly, because I didn't want to be there. I let my mind go, and my heart went with it.

We made bread pudding. It was good. Nikki and I drove home. We never spoke about any of it. My goodbye to Lauren was awkward at best, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my own bed and hug my dog, because his compassion is unfaltering. Animals are so much safer than people. I give him my whole heart every single day. The drive was strained, as all of the energy had completely left my body. I couldn't sing along to music, I could barely keep my eyes open. The shadows were winning, and I was comforted by that.

The next day I didn't shower. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't change out of my pajamas. I wandered aimlessly and then took myself to a movie. There were tears on and off throughout the day, because the gate was forced open, and it takes a long time to close.

I went to Jesus with as much as I could, and I prayed as much as I could manage, before the words stopped. Words get stuck so easily, but not here. I can write it all here. I'm so grateful God hears prayers spoken and unspoken, because he knows what I was trying to convey. He knows what I need. He knows how to help me.

I wanted arms around me, but not just any arms. I don't accept comfort well, mostly because I do a very good job of portraying someone who doesn't need comfort of any kind. I've got it together. I'm strong. I'm good. I have it handled. I don't need your help. I'm a liar. In the past, I had told people very deliberately that I've needed them, and they ran for the hills. Why would I put myself through that again? I can't. I won't. Which is why when you ask, I am perfectly fine. I promise.

Jesus and His words provide great comfort, but God has instilled within us a need for Human compassion, interaction, companionship, and comfort. I wish I didn't need that, but I do. Fortunately a good chunk of it is covered by my doggie.

When I got home, I had this vision in my head of confiding in my Dad what had happened, how I had felt, and him comforting me and telling me he loved me. He was asleep in his chair. This is his typical state, so I went to bed instead.

When I was in the parking lot, I texted Kelly. I am so blessed to  have sisters who have the same problems. We all cry in changing rooms. I told her what had happened, and she confirmed my reaction, saying she would have done the exact same things. Thank GOD for KELLY, because there are so many times I use her as an anchor to make sure I'm not crazy. If I am crazy, she is too... and there is a great amount of comfort in that. She also doesn't shy away from telling me if she thinks I've overreacted. This is good.

Last night I let myself cry for approximately 45 seconds before I squashed it down again. I feel like if I let it continue, I won't be able to stop, and I will fall into a deep dark hole, and I refuse to go there again. "Catch me I'm falling...catch me I'm falling...faster than anyone should. Catch me I'm falling...catch me I'm falling...catch me I'm calling for good."

Do you know me?