Sometimes I'm okay. Then I think. My mind gets so full of things I should say and would say and want to say but won't say, that soon enough my stomach is hurting and my eyes get blurry and I want to hide in a cave permanently.

The life I used to have doesn't seem as far away as it really is. When I was a kid... everything seemed so GOOD. Life was so GOOD. Mom was normal, loving and supportive. We did family devotionals every night. Aunts, Uncles, cousins... I had it all. It feels like a dagger when people make assumptions and comments insinuating that I don't understand "family time". I may not have a family now, but I used to. Believe you me, if anything... I understand it MORE than you do, because I lost it.

If I had my way, I would move to South Carolina and live permanently with my Aunt and Uncle. When I think of family, they are who I think of. They are the people I crave when I think back to those days. My parents of course, too... but even though moving to SC is far fetched, being my parents on a regular basis is an actual impossibility.

Do you have any idea how much I want what you have? Does that make its way into your brain? I guess I'm of the mindset... and always have been... that if I have something someone else doesn't, and they need it... I share it or give it away. I have been like that ever since I was a little kid. I gave stuff away constantly. I got in trouble a lot with that. My friends never left my house empty handed. Now, if I had an amazing family and wonderful holiday gatherings, and knew someone I loved was all alone... well, we all know what I would do. What I HAVE done. No one ever minded when I extended invitations. I know I'm not normal, though. That's totally okay with me. It's the abnormal people who make a difference.

It also probably comes from being a constant caregiver. When you're in that role, you are much more in tune to the people around you and what they need... both spoken and unspoken. You stop paying attention to yourself. It's unfair to assume that other people have that ability, because in all reality, they've never been in that situation.

I genuinely have a great deal of difficulty in taking care of myself, speaking for myself, and expressing myself. I'd much rather take care of someone else than look in a mirror. This is the downside to being the dependable caregiver. I will take care of you and tend to your every need until the day I die. Me? I'll die before I'll admit to needing you. Whoops.

"You know when you take the high road so often, that you don't even ****ing realize there's a lower road?" - April Monigold. She said that just now. It was a little bit perfect.

I will hold you and talk you through it. I will check on you and make sure I do whatever it takes to make you feel better and get back to where you need to be. When I break? What can you do? It's so far beyond your understanding. You nod, and you acknowledge the pain... but that's as far as it goes. There's no way you can change it or make it better. Well... there are ways. But they are not things you will do. This is something I have to accept. I am so important... but we have to face reality. The truth is that I'm not important enough for any of it to change. There are the normal people... and there is me. I choose to be me, and you choose normal. Try as I might, I can't begrudge you that. I would too if I were you. Normal is controlled, safe, easy. I'm none of those. This is why my mountain stretches higher than most. At the top is something we can't even begin to imagine... because mine is a much longer, far too treacherous journey. It's going to be so amazing. Those ten years I lost climbing through vines and quick sand and dodging predators on the way up the mountain are going to seem like nothing when I get to the top. The harder the climb, the greater the reward. I don't know if you'll be there with me... because I won't be with you at the top of yours.

I have always handled everything on my own, and therefore... I'm the strongest person you know. They all tell me that. "If I had been through what you've been through... I would be crushed. I wouldn't even be able to function. You're so strong." So go ahead... I can handle it. I always have. Why would you think any different? I've never not gone it alone, so it will be fine.

Let's be honest, Corrie. You were never alone. I'm insulting Him, and I don't mean to. I'm stronger every day because He is with me. He doesn't want me to suffer, and He's trying to show me how to let go and end the pain, but it's a long process. The path gets awfully narrow sometimes, and it feels like I'm walking it alone, but He's just ahead of me, clearing the bigger obstacles that would most likely kill me.

You say you didn't let me let you go, because you thought it was coming from an unhealthy place, and I was going to need you. I remember every word of that conversation, and there was nothing about me ever spoken. "I don't want you to let me go. I love you. I need you. I know you will always be there for me. (This will never be wrong) I know we will be old ladies talking about the good old days in our rocking chairs one day." You kept me for you, and to hear you say otherwise was incredibly insulting... I wanted you to want me, why take it back? Truth is... if you did it because I needed you... that's ultra confusing. Because we weren't close for years after that. I was on my own. If you stuck around for me, you didn't really stick around. Don't take back the truth. I remember it too well to be satisfied with your new version. I don't mind that you wanted to keep me for your own well being. I'm well aware that I'm fantastic, and I can make you laugh, and I can say all the right words that you need to hear. I am in your life for a reason, and to say I make it better will not cause the world to end. It's not a two way road, but to suggest it was going the other way all those years... nope. That's all I have to say about that.

I love/hate my memory. It's all in there. It can't be re-written. A lot of people try to, but please. It's not worth the argument. Kelly's even worse than me. "No, it wasn't a green sweater, it was teal. And it was 8:23, not 8:30." Whatever, Kelly. Shut up. *grins*

So I hadn't planned on writing down some of the thoughts that plagued me afterward, but alas... out is better than in. Things are changing drastically every day, and if I don't find an outlet... something horrible could happen.

BAHABABBABAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Yep.