I write to make me happy. I write to at least make myself feel better... I write because otherwise, I feel like my words and feelings go unnoticed, and to write them down means there is a potential witness.

Sometimes my thoughts are disjointed, and even to me they don't make sense. I write them down anyway. There are times when I can go back and re-read everything I have written, and it doesn't make any sense to me at all. I can't remember what I was thinking. There are even times when those thoughts and those words are nothing more than fleeting emotions, and end up holding no truth or value when revisited. I will write them anyway.

I tried to be discreet with the latest development in my life, but now I'm just left in a mass of confusion, because I thought I had everything figured out. I thought everything was finally going to make sense. I was wrong. I was very wrong.

BJ and I reconnected after five years of speaking only sparingly. There were occasional check-ins and comments and questions, but they were limited, and fleeting at best. We spoke frequently when my Mom died, but then it was gone again.

He became a Marine and was deployed to Afghanistan. A strange series of events and supposed signs led me to believe that he was the man God had intended me to be with. We talked, and I went to his sister's wedding in Alabama. It was there that he and I officially decided that the signs were clear, and we were meant to be. We officially started dating February 26th. It lasted exactly three months...

After the initial declaration, something changed dramatically. I suppose you could say it changed well before that. When BJ returned to the country, he didn't call me. In fact, we barely talked at all. Going to Alabama was terrifying, because I didn't have the slightest indication as to what to expect.

It's a strange feeling when you think that everything has finally lined up. It's almost like you drop your guard and allow yourself to relax. Maybe that's what went wrong. I wasn't paying attention.

Our communication dwindled to nothing in no time, as BJ became increasingly consumed with all things military and ministry. He rarely if ever had time for me, and I did not succeed in keeping my feelings and opinions to myself. He started pushing me further and further away, and before we knew it, there was a gigantic wall between us.

I had planned a trip to go and visit him, and communication was strained leading up to it. I went ON the trip, and it wasn't what either of us had been expecting. We hadn't had an actual conversation in so long, that we fell into silence and stayed that way.

Short version... it ended. It's over. The signs were wrong, or we screwed it up. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but it happened.

There was something magical that made it happy, and that was that he had known my Mom and she had known him. That's gone now though. It's all gone.

Moving forward now, I'm not entirely sure where to go. I've adopted a new level of fears, and they're deep and gripping. I'm scared of everything. There is such an extreme level of hurt that I've encountered that I don't know how to overcome that and be a normal person. Normal never was my strong suit. I don't want to continue making the same mistakes. There are some things I want to let go of, and some things I don't.

"So what happens now? Where am I going to?"

Oh, if life were only a musical. I want my happily ever after.