It's been awhile...

I've wanted to write so many times about so many things, and I just keep getting stuck. That's a good word for my life right now. Stuck.

Months ago, life took a dramatic turn. I thought everything that had been on hold was finally about to begin. I threw everything I had into it, and it didn't quite turn out the way I was expecting. I thought I had been given very strong, firm instructions from God, but now I find myself filled with doubt. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

I have found myself traveling consistently backward, and that's not what I want at all. It seems as if I am in this unending cycle of repetition, and all I want is to move forward. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes and crying the same tears for the same reasons over and over and over again.

Isn't that the definition of insanity? Repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different result? Turns out I'm insane, everybody...

I feel incredibly judged. I'm doing my very best to trudge along on this extremely muddy pathway, where every line is incredibly gray. Every person I come across has a different opinion and a different judgement, and I've never had such a strong urge to flee everything and everyone that holds any tiny hint of familiarity.

I come from opinionated people, so I shouldn't be entirely surprised. I'm just wondering whether or not it has occurred to any of them that I might be in actual pain. These problems I seem to be endlessly encountering are not without side effects, and I truly wonder whether or not they realize that I am not okay.

Probably not...

After all, I am the master of projection. I can paint whatever picture you would like to see. I had really hoped I was past all of that. I wanted to just be me, and exist in reality. Maybe I'm not meant to exist in reality. When my brain dwells in fiction I'm far more productive, and people in general seem to enjoy me more. That doesn't seem fair, but it's the truth nevertheless.

Where do I go from here? I feel like every avenue in my life right now is filled to the brim with disappointment barreling down in my direction. It's inescapable. I move either way and someone in my family is ashamed of me and will stop speaking to me.

My job is thankless and I can't seem to make anyone happy. It's a vicious and catty environment at times, with a lot of back-stabbing behavior. I'm so over it. Not to mention the fact that it's incredibly low pay for a management position without ANY benefits. *sigh* No medical insurance for someone like me is a death sentence. No joke...

I have no idea what to do about anything. ANYTHING! Seriously, the only parts of my day where I can just relax and not think, are those first precious moments in the morning when Mele snuggles up to my face and licks my nose. Then my brain remembers EVERYTHING after about 15 seconds and it's business as usual. Crazy as usual.

I quit.

Except that I don't. I don't want to start over. I don't want to do it all over again from the beginning. I want to go FORWARD. I want to make PROGRESS. This is maddening.