I think I'm a person split into two people on any given day... and people only like one of the two. They like the Corrie who lives in make-believe land. Corrie the writer. Corrie the creative girl. I know I already said this, but seriously... it's caused me to really go back and re-analyze every disappointing relationship I've ever had. When things were good, it was because I was writing and they were really into it. When things were bad, I wasn't writing, and they had nothing to care about.

Andi was the first person to say it out loud. After he dumped me, he said "I was confused. I thought I was attracted to you, but I was actually just attracted to your creativity."

WOW.

I think a lot of people are attracted to my creativity. That's not overall a bad thing, I suppose... it's just that there's more to me than that, and I wish ALL of it were attractive. Maybe it isn't. I really don't know. Can one exist without the other? That doesn't seem very possible.

I'm frustrated with so many things right now. Last night I dreamed that I had the opportunity to confront a whole bunch of things, and I was incredibly disappointed to wake up and realize none of it had happened. Confront them anyway, you say? I wish that were possible. Nope... it's out of my hands now.

It's a frustrating feeling to feel that you have nowhere you belong. No place feels like home, because there is nowhere you can go where you feel particularly welcome. I'm confined to one room in Dad's house, and that's due largely in part to an intense saturation of cigarette smoke. I simply can't be around that.

I feel like there is always someone rolling their eyes whenever I say anything out loud about my asthma and allergies. The only people who take it seriously are Kelly and Nikki. Kelly... because she genuinely cares and understands, and Nikki because it's her JOB and she knows how serious it can really be. I feel like the rest of my family acts as if I'm making it all up and dramatizing it just for the sake of attention. Trust me. I don't want that kind of attention.

I'm so sad.

I don't even know how to expand on that. If I allow my brain even a second to consider all of the reasons I have to feel that emotion, tears instantly well up in my eyes and I become so overwhelmed that every day normal functions become extremely difficult for me.

Things happened that shouldn't have, and things happened that wouldn't have... if only. It's very very tempting indeed to just give up.