Over the last ten years this blog has served many purposes. It has been a friend when there weren't any people around, it has been a destination when I badly needed a reprieve. It has been a place to sit and rest and decompress as I think of everything that bombards me on a daily basis. One thing that I have come to realize, the longer I've kept this blog, the longer it has become a place of sorrow. I'm more likely to write here when my world is falling apart then when it is going well.

It's amazing to me how easily words flow when you can't even control the thoughts going through your head. When you're even tempered and happy words become a struggle. You can't vent and write freely. The words are much more forced and contrite.

It makes sense then, that here today... months after my last entry, I am once again seeking solace on these virtual pages.

There have been exactly three times that I have been this low, this depleted. This lost. The first time was when my Mom's cancer came back, and her second kidney was removed. That also happened to be when I started dating Andi. I will never forget the details of that relationship, and everything that happened in and around it. It was a nightmare.

The second time was after my Mom's death. I was living alone and barely surviving. Conrad became my anchor and my lifeline, as well as my torture. We didn't know how to love each other, and we hurt each other over and over again. Our roller coaster ride was never ending, but we clung to each other through every dip and turn regardless. Looking back, I don't know how anyone could have loved me. Sometimes I think I forced him into it, just so I could feel it. I needed to feel it. I needed to feel him.

During that second low point, my family was in a complete state of disarray. It was Conrad who was there, and I've tried my best to downplay and minimize it, because no one should need someone else that much.

This third time, I have my Dad and Sunnie, and they are standing beside me instead of against me, and I am so grateful. It's been a tumultuous five years, and as much as I would like to say I'm healthier and stronger now after everything, I think I am weaker than I've ever been. I hope and pray that it changes.

Last week my entire world imploded. I had carefully built up a structure of fragile coping, that was masquerading as happiness. I was barely hanging on, and EVERYTHING caught up with me all at once.

I ended up in emergency counseling for hours and now am seeking psychiatric care. I'm going to be on meds soon, and I think everything is going to change-- for the better.

There are things I can't let go of. People I can't let go of. Love I can't let go of. I am really at a very low point and don't really know what to do at this point. I don't have a single clue.