The only thing I've been able to do lately when the world starts spinning is to just whisper "just breathe" to myself as many times as possible so I can calm down. It doesn't have the same effect on me that it did when other people would say it. How could it?

Sleep aids and anti-depressants, and I still can't breathe. I can't wait for something to change. Something really has to change.

I'd be dead right now if it weren't for the doggies. Dodger is my little human child, and his hugs and kisses keep me going. He recognizes things aren't right, so he loves me even harder. If that dog weren't around, I don't know what I would do. Combined with Mele, the entertaining talker, those two precious canines could save the world, I'm sure of it. I miss my little wiggle bug, my bizzy bells. She was my first girl, and I will never not miss her.

I feel like my heart is going to beat itself to death at any given moment. I can be perfectly fine and then bombarded with thoughts, memories, and emotions. I clutch at my chest and say "breathe, just breathe," but it's nearly impossible. There has been too much that has happened over the last six years. Far too much to be able to handle with just a breath.

When emotional pain transitions into physical pain, that's when you know you're in real trouble. That's when you realize that the road you're on is a long and painful one, with no end in sight. My body hurts like it never has before, and I can't relax. Every muscle feels like it's stretched to the point of breaking, because they're all trying just to hold me together.

I look in the mirror these days, and I see a ghost. My eyes are dark and hollow and my face is thin and pale. I look like I'm dying. I suppose that makes sense, because I feel like I'm dying. I thought I had dealt with everything, and that I was going to be okay. If only I had realized that I hadn't dealt with ANYTHING. I could have avoided so many things if I had only realized that.

I try to imagine what my Mom would say to me right now if she were here. The more time that passes, the fainter her voice grows in my head. Sometimes I can't remember what it sounded like. I'm thankful I have videos to look back on.

I need to focus on what I'm thankful for. I was advised to always look for the good, and make lists of what I'm grateful for. I'm trying to get my brain there, but all I can see-- each and every day, is what I've lost. I can't lose anymore, so I suppose the sooner I can recognize and hold onto what I have, the better.

This is the beginning of a rough journey, and I just hope I make it through it alive.