My uncles are arriving any day, and I am very excited about it! It will be good to have them here. My world is changing rapidly, and my mom is slowly returning to how she was before the nightmare last Sunday. Everything is so crazy with work though... Jason has been amazing covering my shifts and giving me time. I've had a lot of time to cry, to think, to strategize in some form... my mind is such a mess most days.
Two of the most amazing people are Ale and Jeremy, covering a LOT of shifts while Amber and I are both gone. Amber is on her honeymoon, whereas I am simply trying to not go insane. There are lovely things in life that I would almost call distractions, but they're not really. They ARE life. I don't just need distractions from the life I'm actually living, I'm discovering the life I've always wanted to live. That's incredibly exciting!
Every once in awhile I find myself drifting away, staring off into space thinking of everything and nothing. Thoughts just float on by, running across my mind in rapid succession. Then there will be the calming voice of reason asking what I'm thinking about, and the thoughts scatter, and I can't remember anymore. No matter how honest I feel, words still get trapped. I still can't say everything out loud. I'm afraid of the consequences.
Well, that's really all I've got to say for now. It doesn't matter if it makes any sense! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! That was my evil laugh.
Until necxt time then. Farewell!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
THEY'RE NOT TUMORS! Praise God. There are spots caused by certain medications she's taking. NOTHING growing on the brain is good, but this is not as terrifying, and possibly treatable. She's having a lot of issues still, but there's more hope than there was before.
I really don't have much else to say, so we'll just leave it at that.
Thank you all for the well wishes, prayers and what not. All is appreciated! Especially Nikki. Hearing from you feels the best, it really does!! Probably because you're the furthest away. Hope to hear from you again soon!
Bye all.
I really don't have much else to say, so we'll just leave it at that.
Thank you all for the well wishes, prayers and what not. All is appreciated! Especially Nikki. Hearing from you feels the best, it really does!! Probably because you're the furthest away. Hope to hear from you again soon!
Bye all.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
You almost feel guilty when you find smiles in the midst of agony. Just yesterday I was pondering a question. What happens when you see directly in front of you everything you want in life? There's this horrific fear that you just won't be able to have it. So what happens? You take it, you revel in it, and you smile. Ah! It feels so good to smile! To smile and MEAN it!!
Mom is still down in the dumps. My uncles will be arriving this weekend, and I can't wait. Their wisdom astounds me at times. They'll be here to help with some of the heavy lifting. I can't wait to just...relax. That might sound terrible to some of you, but I haven't breathed in deep for a very, very long time.
More later. BYE!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 07, 2007
This roller coaster is too crazy to continue.
Sunday afternoon/evening my mom got a serious headache and began vomiting continually. She was forgetting names, words, and meanings.
My dad assumed the headache and nausea were the result of a terrible migraine. She was disoriented and confused.
Around 1:45 am my dad felt a jerk next to him in the bed. He turned on the light, my mom was having a seizure and her eyes were rolled back in her head. She was coughing out blood before she stopped breathing altogether. My dad screamed for help and I dialed 911. My dad performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. My mom was rushed to the hospital.
She was kept under with a breathing tube for a very long time. It wasn't until early this morning (Tuesday) That we even found out what was wrong.
There are multiple little tumors in my mom's brain. The only way to treat them is with extensive radiation. She's still very confused and disoriented, hugging doctors because she thinks they're related to her. She is not in high spirits, and to be perfectly honest I think the time for her to go home to heaven is a lot closer than some of us would like to admit. She doesn't want to die, and my dad thinks he has absolute control over everything, completely leaving God out of the equation.
Life sucks. There's not much else to say. My prayer is simple. I don't want to lose my mom, but if she is suffering... I want it to be over. I want for the Lord to just take her home.
You know my prayer. Choose your own, but please do pray.
Sunday afternoon/evening my mom got a serious headache and began vomiting continually. She was forgetting names, words, and meanings.
My dad assumed the headache and nausea were the result of a terrible migraine. She was disoriented and confused.
Around 1:45 am my dad felt a jerk next to him in the bed. He turned on the light, my mom was having a seizure and her eyes were rolled back in her head. She was coughing out blood before she stopped breathing altogether. My dad screamed for help and I dialed 911. My dad performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. My mom was rushed to the hospital.
She was kept under with a breathing tube for a very long time. It wasn't until early this morning (Tuesday) That we even found out what was wrong.
There are multiple little tumors in my mom's brain. The only way to treat them is with extensive radiation. She's still very confused and disoriented, hugging doctors because she thinks they're related to her. She is not in high spirits, and to be perfectly honest I think the time for her to go home to heaven is a lot closer than some of us would like to admit. She doesn't want to die, and my dad thinks he has absolute control over everything, completely leaving God out of the equation.
Life sucks. There's not much else to say. My prayer is simple. I don't want to lose my mom, but if she is suffering... I want it to be over. I want for the Lord to just take her home.
You know my prayer. Choose your own, but please do pray.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I've watched the cursor blink for over fifteen minutes now. Is it because I have nothing to write about? Doubtful. Is it because I don't know WHAT to write about? Possible.
I've written three different paragraphs by now, and keep deleting them. The WHAT is really taking over my head right now. Here's another question. WHAT am I doing? In life, in love...
BJ is not moving to Minnesota. Now what? We're waiting for a someday. I'll be honest. I don't want to wait for someday. I'm alone NOW. I've tried to somewhat break-up with BJ about three times now. Every time I get close I break down into tears and take it all back. Why am I doing it in the first place? Maybe because it's better. But maybe it isn't. The thing that crushes me is when he asks me that same question over and over again. "Is that what you want?" I can hear him hold his breath waiting for my answer. I've searched my head, I've searched my heart. I don't know what I want anymore. I try to turn to God to gain wisdom on not what I WANT but what I NEED. I don't think I am either willing or able to listen for the answer. My head just won't clear.
I figured out part of it last night. BJ was going to move regardless of his financial situation. He's more willing to take the risk of having to give up and go home if it meant spending a little more time together. I, however told him that would break my heart. That THAT goodbye would kill me. So he's taken my advice and decided not to make a move until he's financially stable. Sounds responsible. And in all honesty it was my idea. Doesn't mean I like it! But maybe I do..
I know BJ and I know that the move...if it ever happens will be very far off. So that's why I feel like I'm trying to let him go. One thing I know and feel in my heart is that he wouldn't be happy here. I can see him getting severely homesick. He's never lived anywhere but Montgomery. He's never lived without his family. I can't ask him to give all of that up...because what will undoubtedly happen is he will have to choose, and it won't be me. His circumstances will slowly lead to his resentment of me, and my mutual resentment of him for resenting me!
One of us has to give up everything we've ever known. I tried that once, and I failed miserably. Now it's come to the point where I realistically CANNOT move. My itty bitty family needs me here. What now? WHAT now?
I can't give him up. I tried, and the pain was unbearable. He's my best friend. But a long distance relationship only works if it's not long distance indefinitely. Kelly's getting prepared to have a daunting long distance relationship, and she's scared. But Tim's absence promises a return, whereas BJ's is a someday. A maybe. A we'll see. I want to think that I'll be able to set a really good example for Kelly, and how to handle everything. But I know her, I know me...and I just don't know if I could say or do anything to prove that YES! This will work for you, it's easy! It's not. It sucks. It breaks your heart over and over again. Every morning I wake up and then I have to realize AGAIN that I can't see the one person I want the most, and my heart breaks again. The pain never dulls, it gets sharper.
When I first fell in love with BJ all of this was easier. He was my first love, so everything was new! It didn't matter as much how much of a distance was between us, as long as we loved each other.
Now with life and circumstances how they are...it matters more and more and more. I NEED him here. He NEEDS me there. And neither of us can make it happen for the other. Now what? NOW WHAT????
Our conversations have become surface and unengaging. if we pull back that easy layer there's a sea of darkness, sadness, pain and DRAMA. It all seems so unnecessary, and somehow unavoidable. So we keep it simple. Every once in awhile there's a crack in the surface, and I'm usually the first one to fall through it. Those falls seem more frequent lately with things being how they are.
It's a tough world when your mom comes into your room in the middle of the night seeking comfort. Suddenly you're the parent, and your mother the child. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that role reversal. Even me! Who experienced it too many times the last time we all went through this. She craves peace, but I still feel like the child, and I will never have enough knowledge to fix it. She says her focus is on the Lord, but I don't think she is being truthful. Her focus is on her fears, and they are completely controlling her every thought. I'm a lot like my Mama.
Yesterday she laughed, got dressed, and spent the day out with a friend, getting her hair done. The tears I cried yesterday afternoon were the first ones with a happy motivation behind them. She was smiling from ear to ear. The first smiles I've seen that didn't transform into frowns and sobs a minute later. I pray they stay.
This journal is too often overcome with melancholy... but this is the only place i have to get it out without interruption. If I'm speaking I have to defend every word I say. Something is almost an argument. There's peace in writing. I wish I could do it more often.
until then...
I've written three different paragraphs by now, and keep deleting them. The WHAT is really taking over my head right now. Here's another question. WHAT am I doing? In life, in love...
BJ is not moving to Minnesota. Now what? We're waiting for a someday. I'll be honest. I don't want to wait for someday. I'm alone NOW. I've tried to somewhat break-up with BJ about three times now. Every time I get close I break down into tears and take it all back. Why am I doing it in the first place? Maybe because it's better. But maybe it isn't. The thing that crushes me is when he asks me that same question over and over again. "Is that what you want?" I can hear him hold his breath waiting for my answer. I've searched my head, I've searched my heart. I don't know what I want anymore. I try to turn to God to gain wisdom on not what I WANT but what I NEED. I don't think I am either willing or able to listen for the answer. My head just won't clear.
I figured out part of it last night. BJ was going to move regardless of his financial situation. He's more willing to take the risk of having to give up and go home if it meant spending a little more time together. I, however told him that would break my heart. That THAT goodbye would kill me. So he's taken my advice and decided not to make a move until he's financially stable. Sounds responsible. And in all honesty it was my idea. Doesn't mean I like it! But maybe I do..
I know BJ and I know that the move...if it ever happens will be very far off. So that's why I feel like I'm trying to let him go. One thing I know and feel in my heart is that he wouldn't be happy here. I can see him getting severely homesick. He's never lived anywhere but Montgomery. He's never lived without his family. I can't ask him to give all of that up...because what will undoubtedly happen is he will have to choose, and it won't be me. His circumstances will slowly lead to his resentment of me, and my mutual resentment of him for resenting me!
One of us has to give up everything we've ever known. I tried that once, and I failed miserably. Now it's come to the point where I realistically CANNOT move. My itty bitty family needs me here. What now? WHAT now?
I can't give him up. I tried, and the pain was unbearable. He's my best friend. But a long distance relationship only works if it's not long distance indefinitely. Kelly's getting prepared to have a daunting long distance relationship, and she's scared. But Tim's absence promises a return, whereas BJ's is a someday. A maybe. A we'll see. I want to think that I'll be able to set a really good example for Kelly, and how to handle everything. But I know her, I know me...and I just don't know if I could say or do anything to prove that YES! This will work for you, it's easy! It's not. It sucks. It breaks your heart over and over again. Every morning I wake up and then I have to realize AGAIN that I can't see the one person I want the most, and my heart breaks again. The pain never dulls, it gets sharper.
When I first fell in love with BJ all of this was easier. He was my first love, so everything was new! It didn't matter as much how much of a distance was between us, as long as we loved each other.
Now with life and circumstances how they are...it matters more and more and more. I NEED him here. He NEEDS me there. And neither of us can make it happen for the other. Now what? NOW WHAT????
Our conversations have become surface and unengaging. if we pull back that easy layer there's a sea of darkness, sadness, pain and DRAMA. It all seems so unnecessary, and somehow unavoidable. So we keep it simple. Every once in awhile there's a crack in the surface, and I'm usually the first one to fall through it. Those falls seem more frequent lately with things being how they are.
It's a tough world when your mom comes into your room in the middle of the night seeking comfort. Suddenly you're the parent, and your mother the child. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that role reversal. Even me! Who experienced it too many times the last time we all went through this. She craves peace, but I still feel like the child, and I will never have enough knowledge to fix it. She says her focus is on the Lord, but I don't think she is being truthful. Her focus is on her fears, and they are completely controlling her every thought. I'm a lot like my Mama.
Yesterday she laughed, got dressed, and spent the day out with a friend, getting her hair done. The tears I cried yesterday afternoon were the first ones with a happy motivation behind them. She was smiling from ear to ear. The first smiles I've seen that didn't transform into frowns and sobs a minute later. I pray they stay.
This journal is too often overcome with melancholy... but this is the only place i have to get it out without interruption. If I'm speaking I have to defend every word I say. Something is almost an argument. There's peace in writing. I wish I could do it more often.
until then...
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Hello world! Quick update before I head off to work. Mom came home from the hospital yesterday. She's still fairly doped up, but overall doing pretty good. She gets to be on dialysis three times a week, so that's fun! We have to monitor her liquids very closely!
She has no kidneys...which just amazes me. God made us so we can function with parts of our bodies missing. Incredible! That, and the technological advances he helped out with to insure that the body could do just that. It's just hard to imagine. One day we hope that she will be able to find a kidney donor, but until then...we've kinda got our work cut out for us! But it's so worth it when it means no more cancer!
IN other news, I am now brunette. Sunnie and I both get kinda down when the parents are gone (weird, I know) So Saturday night, we had the place to ourselves, and could have gone WILD... instead we went to Cub and bought Mom some grape juice and me a box of light brown hair dye. When I get down and restless, I have to change something. Most often times that change becomes my bedroom, but I just did that...so I changed my hair instead.
Anyway! Here's the photographic evidence!
So that's all for now. More later! A bientot! Au Revoir! Later Taters! See ya! Time to go to work...indeed! *sigh* I am sleepy, therefore I sigh... goodbye!
She has no kidneys...which just amazes me. God made us so we can function with parts of our bodies missing. Incredible! That, and the technological advances he helped out with to insure that the body could do just that. It's just hard to imagine. One day we hope that she will be able to find a kidney donor, but until then...we've kinda got our work cut out for us! But it's so worth it when it means no more cancer!
IN other news, I am now brunette. Sunnie and I both get kinda down when the parents are gone (weird, I know) So Saturday night, we had the place to ourselves, and could have gone WILD... instead we went to Cub and bought Mom some grape juice and me a box of light brown hair dye. When I get down and restless, I have to change something. Most often times that change becomes my bedroom, but I just did that...so I changed my hair instead.
Anyway! Here's the photographic evidence!
So that's all for now. More later! A bientot! Au Revoir! Later Taters! See ya! Time to go to work...indeed! *sigh* I am sleepy, therefore I sigh... goodbye!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
When I have time, I hope to re-cap the entire week that BJ was here. Until then, I will leave you with a FANTASTIC picture! BJ recovered it from my almost dead cell phone, and it's a true treasure. He then used a beloved program of his to get it off said phone, onto my lap top, which he then e-mailed to himself on my dad's comp, so dad could print it off so we could frame it (with a frame BJ bought) to give to mom as a pick-me-up.
Without further ado...I give you Captain Jack and my Mama!!
Until next time friends, farewell!
Without further ado...I give you Captain Jack and my Mama!!
Until next time friends, farewell!
Friday, March 30, 2007
I shall start out by saying, thank GOD B.J. is here!! It's been vital!
After mom's initial diagnosis, they rediagnosed her with a much more grim possibility. The cancer was worse than they had thought. If it had spread further than the kidney and into the bones, it was terminal, and there would be nothing they could do. My mom had a bone scan the other day, and we recieved the results this afternoon.
IT HASN'T SPREAD!!!!!!
Praise the LORD! Now, they will still have to remove mom's one remaining kidney, and she will be on dialysis for quite a few years. They have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE there is no cancer anywhere in her body before they even consider the possibility of a donor.
It's not gonna be fun, but it is SOOO much better than terminal cancer! Thank you to everyone for the prayers. We all know prayer works, and my mom, my family and I will once again be gracious recipients of those marvelous happenings!
So, that's the update for now. BJ and I have been having a blast...being in love and all that jazz! Kelly is in New York living it up and hopefully buying me lots of cool stuff because I couldn't go!!!!!!!!! Hahaha.
Later taters! Love ya!
-Me!
After mom's initial diagnosis, they rediagnosed her with a much more grim possibility. The cancer was worse than they had thought. If it had spread further than the kidney and into the bones, it was terminal, and there would be nothing they could do. My mom had a bone scan the other day, and we recieved the results this afternoon.
IT HASN'T SPREAD!!!!!!
Praise the LORD! Now, they will still have to remove mom's one remaining kidney, and she will be on dialysis for quite a few years. They have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE there is no cancer anywhere in her body before they even consider the possibility of a donor.
It's not gonna be fun, but it is SOOO much better than terminal cancer! Thank you to everyone for the prayers. We all know prayer works, and my mom, my family and I will once again be gracious recipients of those marvelous happenings!
So, that's the update for now. BJ and I have been having a blast...being in love and all that jazz! Kelly is in New York living it up and hopefully buying me lots of cool stuff because I couldn't go!!!!!!!!! Hahaha.
Later taters! Love ya!
-Me!
Friday, March 23, 2007
They found new cancer on my mom's remaining kidney. Right now it's operable, but still serious. There's also something that looks like a kinda scary blood clot. She's in good spirits. She's happy they caught it early, and she doesn't feel sick like she did last time.
Please keep my mom in your prayers. She only has the one kidney! So far it hasn't spread, and let's pray it stays that way!!
Please keep my mom in your prayers. She only has the one kidney! So far it hasn't spread, and let's pray it stays that way!!
Sunday, March 11, 2007
I love that...when you're laughing too hard to stand up. It's the best medicine in the world!
ANYWAY! Happy Sunday all! Off to church, and then to granny's. Lovely! My stomach hurts, though. Blah. I went to Red Robin last night for the first time, with Sunnie, Paul, Mom and Dad. It was fun! I really liked it. But I filled up on the unlimited steak fries and bites of everyone else's food before taking a bite of my own.
Work is good. BJ IS HERE IN 2 WEEKS! And now...I'm gonna finish getting dressed!
BYE!
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Well...let's see. I have a lot to say I think...we'll see what happens. We are no longer going to New York. I think it's a good thing though. Kelly is instead going by herself, because she can actually afford to do it. BJ and I are spending the week doing stuff around good ol' WBL. He can see where I work now, we can do the things we didn't have time for in the past...I think it's valuable. Had we decided on going to New York, we wouldn't have been able to spend one single second on our own. With our relationship being how it is, that alone time is kinda crucial right now. He gets here March 25th! I can't wait!
FLC is finally getting the drama program up and running. They're gonna let me call it Plan See! The website will have a real function! Color me excited! It's gonna be a lot of work, but I am so ready for it!
The new job at Dunn Bros. is working out pretty well. For awhile I wasn't so sure. It's really awesome to see Amber on a regular basis, but there were a few very resistant employees. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. There were a lot of rumors and crazy accusations flying around, and I was actually being referred to as the "NAZI"!!! Isn't that hilarious? To anyone who knows me...it's quite funny. And it was all just rumors! None of them had actually worked with me! They would trade their shifts because they were too afraid! I laugh. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Last night I went back to work three hours after my shift to help Amber with the price adjustments on all the menu boards. It was fun just hanging out and stuff like that, but after awhile some awkward subjects came into the conversation. For quite awhile now, Amber has been filling me in on the latest goings on with her wedding. I couldn't be happier for her! Of course...I wish it were me...but that's just how it goes. Talk of bridesmaid dresses, her maid of honor, the invitations, the napkins, the flower girl... and then there's me, wishing that I would have meant more to her to have been involved in all of it. But I've done the same thing with Amber that I've done with every other friend I've ever had.
I like to pretend that we're closer than we are. Sometimes I just sit by myself and think about all the people I've ever known in my entire life...and put them in a mental list. Where do they fall on how close we really are? How much can I depend on them? How much can they depend on me? Amber has told me all about her maid of honor, Bridget. She is the most loyal person Amber has ever known. No matter what, Bridget is there for her friends. I thought about me...and how I am with my friends. I'd like to think I'm a Bridget...but I've never had anyone test that theory. No one has ever been close enough.
For weeks now I've just pushed agonizing thought aside, and was residing happily in the idea that I was being included at all! But then Amber decided to tell me that she really DOES want me to be involved, and has wanted me to be involved... but didn't know how or in what capacity. Also that even before I worked with her, she was hoping I would. She knew that both managers could not just disappear for a weekend for a wedding. Maybe she thought that by asking, I would have turned down the job to preserve my "friend status" in her wedding.
I've always had a hard idea that I could ever be a somebody to anybody. She asked me who I think I am, and why I think I'm a nobody, and the best I could come up with was "I'm just me" as if that would justify why I truly whole heartedly believe that I have no astounding quality about myself that would make me absolutely necessary to anyone...in any function!
I can't stress enough how heart breaking it was to attend...just ATTEND Lurae's wedding. I was once her very best friend. Granted I was replaced time and time again...but to have just been a guest...? I couldn't breathe through the entire ceremony. I practically broke BJ's hand trying to keep it all down, deep inside. Wear the smile, hide the sob. I know it will be the same with Nikki. I was an extremely relevant SOMEBODY to her at one point...and I will be a guest at best.
I hold onto people too tight. Even when they are done with me completely...I still feel left out. I still remember every detail of how it was and think about how it would have could have been. I've tried to figure out what it is about me that makes me such a temporary fixture in people's lives.
When I told Amber that I was just me...a nobody to most, she reminded me that I was a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend...and my mind had an instant rebuttal to every objection. I am a daughter. No matter how many times I have introduced myself to extended family members, I am known strictly as Penny's daughter. I am a sister. To this DAY there are people in every single aspect of my life that refer to me as not Corrie, but as Sunnie's sister. Kelly's sister. Why even try? I am a girlfriend. It wasn't long ago that that identity was completely compromised, when BJ fought with the idea that he no longer loved me. I was almost a nobody to him as well.
I'm not as down and out as all that. I have healthy attitudes about many different avenues...it's when these thoughts are brought up by someone else, that I find it difficult to escape. Hence the writing. Get it out, and get it done.
To become a somebody, I have left the nobody behind. I've lived in different states, looking for consistent validation. Living alone in Opelika probably lead to the demise of the Alabama endeavor, simply because I was exactly that! Alone. I used to boast my ability to entertain myself. I loved the quiet. Not anymore... I enjoy "down time" but being involved in a long distance relationship really heightens your sense of loneliness.
I've also started projects that involve no one who has ever made me feel invisible. It's just me! FLC drama program...no drama allowed? Ha! That would be funny.
One tough pill to swallow is that some of the things I always counted on, are just never going to happen. When I moved to WBL in 4th grade, I imagined having a best friend like I did in Roseville. Call each other every single day, spend the night every weekend... grow up together. Like in the books and movies I always adored growing up. That way, everyone would always have a someone! No one would ever be alone. So many times, I've watched Nikki and company par-tay across the street. It's not always strictly family, as I've seen fellow ex-best friend LuRae frequent many Grandparent hosted occasions. One day, while listening to them laugh...I thought to myself. "Oh well...maybe later" A good thought. A comforting thought. A common thought. It was then I realized that later had already happened. My chance for that kind of friendship is already gone. It was really depressing. *laughs*
Slowly but surely other realizations have brought themselves upon me. While listening to Amber talk about her big day, it's come to my attention that I'll never be a maid of honor. I'm not that ONE person to anyone. Kelly might say I am, but I'm her sister. It just isn't...the same. Before I left for Alabama, Amber and I agreed that had we known each other beforehand...we very well could have been best friends. But that's the story of me! Could have been...
This isn't all about Amber. This is every relationship I've ever had! Growing up...I never really changed. So I got boring. That's my explanation anyway. Best friend Sarah traded me in time and time again. I lost count of the GIGANTIC arguments we've had over the years. She would come around and ask me to forgive her, and I would, and we'd be pals again...for awhile. But she moved on to a completely different lifestyle...one that I would never fit into.
Nikki is a world traveler, and no matter how many times she complained about the hurt LuRae seemed to inflict on her, they remain best friends to this day. Each other's maids of honor. (Nikki might argue that her sister will be her MOH, but I guarantee LuRae will be heavily be involved. I however, will make the guest list. That's just the way it is.) Granted they've both grown up... they were different people back then.
When mom got sick everyone disappeared, and it was my turn to trade up and trade in. I went to the ever popular theater crowd. When I realized they were actors on AND off the stage, they all shunned me for eternity. Oh well...I think I like it better that way. I couldn't deal with disappointing them day in and day out with my tragically mundane personality. And I am not good at pretending to be THAT girl.
After said sickness...I never recovered. I have trust issues to the max, and will never quite be able to figure out anyone true intentions. I'm always looking for a back story...and probably missing the big picture altogether. I'm cursed!
I have BJ...and after our crash and burn in September...I'm still trying to walk straight. Every day is a struggle to try to look past the past. I love him.
Well...now that a new mini novel has presented itself...I think I will now go shower, and shake all these deep thoughts out of my brain. Time for work soon. I need to re-adopt the happy go lucky Corrie. The funny one. Nobody likes the deep one. We learned that lesson in the teenage years, didn't we Corrie? Yes we did. Notice the lack of poetry journals. Ha! Good thing I wrote in pencil. They're almost completely rubbed away now. That's one version of me I'm honestly glad is invisible.
TTFN.
FLC is finally getting the drama program up and running. They're gonna let me call it Plan See! The website will have a real function! Color me excited! It's gonna be a lot of work, but I am so ready for it!
The new job at Dunn Bros. is working out pretty well. For awhile I wasn't so sure. It's really awesome to see Amber on a regular basis, but there were a few very resistant employees. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. There were a lot of rumors and crazy accusations flying around, and I was actually being referred to as the "NAZI"!!! Isn't that hilarious? To anyone who knows me...it's quite funny. And it was all just rumors! None of them had actually worked with me! They would trade their shifts because they were too afraid! I laugh. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Last night I went back to work three hours after my shift to help Amber with the price adjustments on all the menu boards. It was fun just hanging out and stuff like that, but after awhile some awkward subjects came into the conversation. For quite awhile now, Amber has been filling me in on the latest goings on with her wedding. I couldn't be happier for her! Of course...I wish it were me...but that's just how it goes. Talk of bridesmaid dresses, her maid of honor, the invitations, the napkins, the flower girl... and then there's me, wishing that I would have meant more to her to have been involved in all of it. But I've done the same thing with Amber that I've done with every other friend I've ever had.
I like to pretend that we're closer than we are. Sometimes I just sit by myself and think about all the people I've ever known in my entire life...and put them in a mental list. Where do they fall on how close we really are? How much can I depend on them? How much can they depend on me? Amber has told me all about her maid of honor, Bridget. She is the most loyal person Amber has ever known. No matter what, Bridget is there for her friends. I thought about me...and how I am with my friends. I'd like to think I'm a Bridget...but I've never had anyone test that theory. No one has ever been close enough.
For weeks now I've just pushed agonizing thought aside, and was residing happily in the idea that I was being included at all! But then Amber decided to tell me that she really DOES want me to be involved, and has wanted me to be involved... but didn't know how or in what capacity. Also that even before I worked with her, she was hoping I would. She knew that both managers could not just disappear for a weekend for a wedding. Maybe she thought that by asking, I would have turned down the job to preserve my "friend status" in her wedding.
I've always had a hard idea that I could ever be a somebody to anybody. She asked me who I think I am, and why I think I'm a nobody, and the best I could come up with was "I'm just me" as if that would justify why I truly whole heartedly believe that I have no astounding quality about myself that would make me absolutely necessary to anyone...in any function!
I can't stress enough how heart breaking it was to attend...just ATTEND Lurae's wedding. I was once her very best friend. Granted I was replaced time and time again...but to have just been a guest...? I couldn't breathe through the entire ceremony. I practically broke BJ's hand trying to keep it all down, deep inside. Wear the smile, hide the sob. I know it will be the same with Nikki. I was an extremely relevant SOMEBODY to her at one point...and I will be a guest at best.
I hold onto people too tight. Even when they are done with me completely...I still feel left out. I still remember every detail of how it was and think about how it would have could have been. I've tried to figure out what it is about me that makes me such a temporary fixture in people's lives.
When I told Amber that I was just me...a nobody to most, she reminded me that I was a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend...and my mind had an instant rebuttal to every objection. I am a daughter. No matter how many times I have introduced myself to extended family members, I am known strictly as Penny's daughter. I am a sister. To this DAY there are people in every single aspect of my life that refer to me as not Corrie, but as Sunnie's sister. Kelly's sister. Why even try? I am a girlfriend. It wasn't long ago that that identity was completely compromised, when BJ fought with the idea that he no longer loved me. I was almost a nobody to him as well.
I'm not as down and out as all that. I have healthy attitudes about many different avenues...it's when these thoughts are brought up by someone else, that I find it difficult to escape. Hence the writing. Get it out, and get it done.
To become a somebody, I have left the nobody behind. I've lived in different states, looking for consistent validation. Living alone in Opelika probably lead to the demise of the Alabama endeavor, simply because I was exactly that! Alone. I used to boast my ability to entertain myself. I loved the quiet. Not anymore... I enjoy "down time" but being involved in a long distance relationship really heightens your sense of loneliness.
I've also started projects that involve no one who has ever made me feel invisible. It's just me! FLC drama program...no drama allowed? Ha! That would be funny.
One tough pill to swallow is that some of the things I always counted on, are just never going to happen. When I moved to WBL in 4th grade, I imagined having a best friend like I did in Roseville. Call each other every single day, spend the night every weekend... grow up together. Like in the books and movies I always adored growing up. That way, everyone would always have a someone! No one would ever be alone. So many times, I've watched Nikki and company par-tay across the street. It's not always strictly family, as I've seen fellow ex-best friend LuRae frequent many Grandparent hosted occasions. One day, while listening to them laugh...I thought to myself. "Oh well...maybe later" A good thought. A comforting thought. A common thought. It was then I realized that later had already happened. My chance for that kind of friendship is already gone. It was really depressing. *laughs*
Slowly but surely other realizations have brought themselves upon me. While listening to Amber talk about her big day, it's come to my attention that I'll never be a maid of honor. I'm not that ONE person to anyone. Kelly might say I am, but I'm her sister. It just isn't...the same. Before I left for Alabama, Amber and I agreed that had we known each other beforehand...we very well could have been best friends. But that's the story of me! Could have been...
This isn't all about Amber. This is every relationship I've ever had! Growing up...I never really changed. So I got boring. That's my explanation anyway. Best friend Sarah traded me in time and time again. I lost count of the GIGANTIC arguments we've had over the years. She would come around and ask me to forgive her, and I would, and we'd be pals again...for awhile. But she moved on to a completely different lifestyle...one that I would never fit into.
Nikki is a world traveler, and no matter how many times she complained about the hurt LuRae seemed to inflict on her, they remain best friends to this day. Each other's maids of honor. (Nikki might argue that her sister will be her MOH, but I guarantee LuRae will be heavily be involved. I however, will make the guest list. That's just the way it is.) Granted they've both grown up... they were different people back then.
When mom got sick everyone disappeared, and it was my turn to trade up and trade in. I went to the ever popular theater crowd. When I realized they were actors on AND off the stage, they all shunned me for eternity. Oh well...I think I like it better that way. I couldn't deal with disappointing them day in and day out with my tragically mundane personality. And I am not good at pretending to be THAT girl.
After said sickness...I never recovered. I have trust issues to the max, and will never quite be able to figure out anyone true intentions. I'm always looking for a back story...and probably missing the big picture altogether. I'm cursed!
I have BJ...and after our crash and burn in September...I'm still trying to walk straight. Every day is a struggle to try to look past the past. I love him.
Well...now that a new mini novel has presented itself...I think I will now go shower, and shake all these deep thoughts out of my brain. Time for work soon. I need to re-adopt the happy go lucky Corrie. The funny one. Nobody likes the deep one. We learned that lesson in the teenage years, didn't we Corrie? Yes we did. Notice the lack of poetry journals. Ha! Good thing I wrote in pencil. They're almost completely rubbed away now. That's one version of me I'm honestly glad is invisible.
TTFN.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
SO! Lots has happened. BJ did a good job summing up some stuff. Check out his livejournal. (Link to the right) Aside from that, I am no longer a Caribou employee...and at the moment, no longer a Lakeshore Players employee. I am now the new assistant manager of Dunn Bros. in Hugo. Laugh all you want! At least I didn't go back to the same store! AND...the benefits are nice. AND...I get to work with AMBER!!!! She's technically my boss, but...she's also like...my bestest pal! So it's GREAT!
What else is going on? Oh yeah. Kelly, BJ and I are driving to New York at the end of March. I think. Money is up in the air, travel accomodations yet to be made. Although we would be staying with the Pomeroys for FREE so that's fantastic.
I don't feel as dead anymore, working the 12 hours. I'm sure the money will be less, but I've only been doing it for a week. We'll see what happens!
And now, since I have nothing better to do... I shall post a random picture!
That's Cairo getting a bath! So that's all folks! I shall be more interesting later.
What else is going on? Oh yeah. Kelly, BJ and I are driving to New York at the end of March. I think. Money is up in the air, travel accomodations yet to be made. Although we would be staying with the Pomeroys for FREE so that's fantastic.
I don't feel as dead anymore, working the 12 hours. I'm sure the money will be less, but I've only been doing it for a week. We'll see what happens!
And now, since I have nothing better to do... I shall post a random picture!
That's Cairo getting a bath! So that's all folks! I shall be more interesting later.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Weirdness in the air....do do do do do, weirdness everywhere.... what, you can't hear the melody in my head? Well, that's just too bad for you then!
I am so overly tired. And it's only TUESDAY! This week will be different. Friday is that day where I get older. Then there's next week. I leave for Alabama on Thursday. Then it's MERRY CHRISTMAS with BJ!! Our first together. It will be...good to experience it.
I really don't have all that much to say other than how much my inner narrations can amuse me. I wish my thoughts were audible at times, just so they could be recorded and recognized by somebody else. Then everyone would know the TRUTH about me! Yikerby! But that would be hilarious.
So that's all I've got. 24 minutes and counting until this work day is over.
Later taters!!
I am so overly tired. And it's only TUESDAY! This week will be different. Friday is that day where I get older. Then there's next week. I leave for Alabama on Thursday. Then it's MERRY CHRISTMAS with BJ!! Our first together. It will be...good to experience it.
I really don't have all that much to say other than how much my inner narrations can amuse me. I wish my thoughts were audible at times, just so they could be recorded and recognized by somebody else. Then everyone would know the TRUTH about me! Yikerby! But that would be hilarious.
So that's all I've got. 24 minutes and counting until this work day is over.
Later taters!!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Photos from the JAMES LAFFERTY event!
First, the Man himself!
Then, the lovely autographed sweatshirt!!
And last, but not least, just because I was SOOO disgusted,... The mall was SO busy, they had no one there to empty the trash! If you think this is bad, you should have seen the food court floor! AHHHH!
That's all for now! Bye!
First, the Man himself!
Then, the lovely autographed sweatshirt!!
And last, but not least, just because I was SOOO disgusted,... The mall was SO busy, they had no one there to empty the trash! If you think this is bad, you should have seen the food court floor! AHHHH!
That's all for now! Bye!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
BLAH! I'm exhausted. Just thought I'd share. The hilarity of yesterday has worn off. But if you could have seen where I found the tablecloth. And if you could have witnessed Sunnie bashing her face into a window! (No, Sunnie...it WASN'T rolled down...) then you would understand why it was so hysterical.
But today...today is blah. Filled to the brim with blahness. I haven't written in awhile. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I'll write. Honesty seems all too frequent with exhaustion is ever lurking. It manipulates your brain into thinking it's perfectly fine to say whatever is on your mind. You would find me wondering the strangest of strange things. That is, if I said EVERYTHING that was on my mind.
I'm a good person. A nice person. A worthwhile person? Some say yes. I like those people. My eyes are heavy. Maybe I'll just take them out. Then I don't have to see anymore! I don't seem to appreciate the beauties like I used to. I need new ones. Sights unseen! Unseen to me, and that's all that matters.
I scared someone again with my memory today. I'm cursed. Or everyone who has ever had any contact with me whatsoever is cursed. Either way works, I guess.
So now that I've written an entry about absolutely NOTHING... I guess I should "get back to work"...seeing as how "work" right now consists of little else than staring blankly at the odd shade of blue adorning the box office walls. I thought the phone would be ringing off the hook! This is the only day we're open this week. Interesting, yes? I enjoy the idea! I get to go sleep after Caribou! And Thanksgiving is an all day off-er. YES!!! Time to watch the parade and preview all the new Broadway shows. Why am I more excited about these things than Kelly every year?
Side note...or side ramble, rather. I took Sunnie on November 11th to meet her heartthrob, James Lafferty. I'm the BEST sister ever! Well, I was that day at least. Complete with severe digestion issues. We need not go there...but God Bless IHOP! (I've never been there before... I bet the food is good. All I experienced was the throne of sweet relief!) ---gross Corrie.
So! There it is, folks. Christmas is coming up, and it will be my first without my family. A new family, rather...will I be spending it with. Me and BJ will be celebrating our first Christmas together. He has quite a few romantic things planned for us. I haven't seen him since the hiccups, so I'm looking forward to letting go of it all once and for all...I can't wait to heave that giant sigh of relief when everything reveals itself to be as it should be! There's no real reason to think that shouldn't happen. I'm optimistic!
So now I go. Goodbye then!
But today...today is blah. Filled to the brim with blahness. I haven't written in awhile. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I'll write. Honesty seems all too frequent with exhaustion is ever lurking. It manipulates your brain into thinking it's perfectly fine to say whatever is on your mind. You would find me wondering the strangest of strange things. That is, if I said EVERYTHING that was on my mind.
I'm a good person. A nice person. A worthwhile person? Some say yes. I like those people. My eyes are heavy. Maybe I'll just take them out. Then I don't have to see anymore! I don't seem to appreciate the beauties like I used to. I need new ones. Sights unseen! Unseen to me, and that's all that matters.
I scared someone again with my memory today. I'm cursed. Or everyone who has ever had any contact with me whatsoever is cursed. Either way works, I guess.
So now that I've written an entry about absolutely NOTHING... I guess I should "get back to work"...seeing as how "work" right now consists of little else than staring blankly at the odd shade of blue adorning the box office walls. I thought the phone would be ringing off the hook! This is the only day we're open this week. Interesting, yes? I enjoy the idea! I get to go sleep after Caribou! And Thanksgiving is an all day off-er. YES!!! Time to watch the parade and preview all the new Broadway shows. Why am I more excited about these things than Kelly every year?
Side note...or side ramble, rather. I took Sunnie on November 11th to meet her heartthrob, James Lafferty. I'm the BEST sister ever! Well, I was that day at least. Complete with severe digestion issues. We need not go there...but God Bless IHOP! (I've never been there before... I bet the food is good. All I experienced was the throne of sweet relief!) ---gross Corrie.
So! There it is, folks. Christmas is coming up, and it will be my first without my family. A new family, rather...will I be spending it with. Me and BJ will be celebrating our first Christmas together. He has quite a few romantic things planned for us. I haven't seen him since the hiccups, so I'm looking forward to letting go of it all once and for all...I can't wait to heave that giant sigh of relief when everything reveals itself to be as it should be! There's no real reason to think that shouldn't happen. I'm optimistic!
So now I go. Goodbye then!
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Silly, but I had to...
Corrie
&
Robert
&
Robert
90% Compatible
♥ Corrie and Robert have been romantically-together for awhile now, indicating a degree of compatibility. Similar personality descriptions are a plus. Their shared faith will help form a bond between them. They both abstain from drinking, so that helps compatibility. However, their astrological signs are not in harmony. But their views on children are similar. Overall, Corrie and Robert are highly compatible. They are capable of having a beautiful relationship together. ♥
The Dating Compatibility Test by Dating Diversions
The Dating Compatibility Test by Dating Diversions
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Greetings and Salutations! Happy Birthday to my Mother! Oh, yes. It is that day. I got home from the Bou this morning, and she was less than happy. Quite teary eyed by the fact that Grandpa used to call her on her birthday every year while she drank her morning coffee. It became my mission to cheer her, so I gave her one of three presents, and danced along with the "Happy Birthday Dancing Hampster".... DEFINITELY got a laugh! Woot woot!
So I work a lot, and I'm tired. And it's snowing! It's not staying on the ground yet, but it's getting there. Certainly seems cold enough to stick! But we're not there yet.
Another possible roommate situation has come up...we'll see what happens with that. I'm not so sure.
We're going to Olive Garden tonight! I've been wanting to go there since I was in Alabama. We failed that mission, but here we are! The time has come! We go every year for Mom's birthday. Last year I treated Mom AND Dad. I'm nice. This year...I shall treat myself and no one else! Go me!!!!!!!!!!
This is truly a pointless entry. I miss people. I miss BJ, I miss Jessi. I miss Nikki. I miss my head when it's NOT aching! Does that count? I think so!
So that's all I got for now. Except a question. How can anyone watch someone they love get hurt, contribute to that hurt, and then shrug it off saying it has no affect on themselves? I'll never understand that...never ever ever never ever.
Over and out -- me
So I work a lot, and I'm tired. And it's snowing! It's not staying on the ground yet, but it's getting there. Certainly seems cold enough to stick! But we're not there yet.
Another possible roommate situation has come up...we'll see what happens with that. I'm not so sure.
We're going to Olive Garden tonight! I've been wanting to go there since I was in Alabama. We failed that mission, but here we are! The time has come! We go every year for Mom's birthday. Last year I treated Mom AND Dad. I'm nice. This year...I shall treat myself and no one else! Go me!!!!!!!!!!
This is truly a pointless entry. I miss people. I miss BJ, I miss Jessi. I miss Nikki. I miss my head when it's NOT aching! Does that count? I think so!
So that's all I got for now. Except a question. How can anyone watch someone they love get hurt, contribute to that hurt, and then shrug it off saying it has no affect on themselves? I'll never understand that...never ever ever never ever.
Over and out -- me
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
I'm sick and miserable. I'm miserable and sick! My throat is closing up, and my nose is running, and I have to have customers hold on the phone whilst I blow the crapload of snot out of my nose. It all came on like a tsunami! I didn't see it coming! This morning I sniffed a bit...but I always do! I blew my nose like I always do! It's called allergies! And now I'm miserable. Sick and miserable. Miserable and sick! BAH!
ANYWAY... life is etting back to its mundane cycle of blahness. It's shaken up by the occasional rude customer, or "Caroline Antic". She cracks me up... The things she says! We laugh. it is good.
There have been struggles lately. Struggles worth working on, things worth fighting for. I just wish everything didn't have to be so hard! BAH AGAIN!
There is a Sheltie kidnapper on the loose! Laugh all you want, it's true. Five shelties have disappeared from my neighborhood in the last year. (3 in the last few months...It's on the news!!) We're a prime target! Most of them have disappeared from parks and whatnot... and we're lazy and don't take our dogs places that often. They run around in circles in our square of a backyard and sexually confuse each other. It's true! Or maybe it's just Cody...but he's trying to take Cairo down with him. It's the truth! So...we love our doggies. Don't take them, Sheltie napper! Cody will bite you. Darla will flog you. Winnie will spew her rancid breath in your general direction and knock you out cold. Cairo will love you to death.
One hour to go here at the Lakeshore Players. Tonight are the auditions for "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." I wanted so badly to be the White Witch and traumatize all the small children! Woe is me... the majority of the performances take place during box office hours, because it's the "Holiday Show" and they do school matinees. BOO! That means I have to do my JOB!! Once more with feeling.... BAH BAH BAH! Heheh...bah bah black sheep...no not really.
Is it wrong to find your younger brother attractive? Not in a "I'm attracted to him" kind of way, but the way that says I can appreciate the fact that he is good looking AND related to me! He looks nothing like me...he just got a haircut, and he looks like a man. That's better than a boy...that's a man. Manly man.
Everything in life right now, feels slippery. Does that make sense? Everytime you think you've got a firm hold on something, you slip a little. You don't necessarily lose it, you just slide around, and you can't stay still, no matter how hard you try. Things keep changing and slipping around on you. Like those water snake toys. Those things drive me crazy! You squeeze them, and they slip away that much easier. Argh. So...don't hold on too tight, or too loose. Find the happy medium! Go with the flow! Enjoy the slip n' slide. Sooner or later you get to the cool splash down pool, right? Only if you're on the Crocodile Mile. Dude, I wanna be a kid again. A kid who was so NOT self conscious, who would slip and slide her life away in a bathing suit...who now wears a tent so she can hide. I love childhood. Boo-hoo. Cry cry.
My throat hurts. Really hurts. I keep gagging because it feels like I'm choking on throat chunks. I don't know what that might be...throat chunks. Sounds gross though! The sides of my throat swell into chunkiness, and then they touch, and my throat thinks it's choking, and it gags. GAG! See? It just happened.
I love you, BJ. Please prove me wrong.
I'm gonna go make me some more honey water. Ouchness. Bye.
-ME!!!!!
ANYWAY... life is etting back to its mundane cycle of blahness. It's shaken up by the occasional rude customer, or "Caroline Antic". She cracks me up... The things she says! We laugh. it is good.
There have been struggles lately. Struggles worth working on, things worth fighting for. I just wish everything didn't have to be so hard! BAH AGAIN!
There is a Sheltie kidnapper on the loose! Laugh all you want, it's true. Five shelties have disappeared from my neighborhood in the last year. (3 in the last few months...It's on the news!!) We're a prime target! Most of them have disappeared from parks and whatnot... and we're lazy and don't take our dogs places that often. They run around in circles in our square of a backyard and sexually confuse each other. It's true! Or maybe it's just Cody...but he's trying to take Cairo down with him. It's the truth! So...we love our doggies. Don't take them, Sheltie napper! Cody will bite you. Darla will flog you. Winnie will spew her rancid breath in your general direction and knock you out cold. Cairo will love you to death.
One hour to go here at the Lakeshore Players. Tonight are the auditions for "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." I wanted so badly to be the White Witch and traumatize all the small children! Woe is me... the majority of the performances take place during box office hours, because it's the "Holiday Show" and they do school matinees. BOO! That means I have to do my JOB!! Once more with feeling.... BAH BAH BAH! Heheh...bah bah black sheep...no not really.
Is it wrong to find your younger brother attractive? Not in a "I'm attracted to him" kind of way, but the way that says I can appreciate the fact that he is good looking AND related to me! He looks nothing like me...he just got a haircut, and he looks like a man. That's better than a boy...that's a man. Manly man.
Everything in life right now, feels slippery. Does that make sense? Everytime you think you've got a firm hold on something, you slip a little. You don't necessarily lose it, you just slide around, and you can't stay still, no matter how hard you try. Things keep changing and slipping around on you. Like those water snake toys. Those things drive me crazy! You squeeze them, and they slip away that much easier. Argh. So...don't hold on too tight, or too loose. Find the happy medium! Go with the flow! Enjoy the slip n' slide. Sooner or later you get to the cool splash down pool, right? Only if you're on the Crocodile Mile. Dude, I wanna be a kid again. A kid who was so NOT self conscious, who would slip and slide her life away in a bathing suit...who now wears a tent so she can hide. I love childhood. Boo-hoo. Cry cry.
My throat hurts. Really hurts. I keep gagging because it feels like I'm choking on throat chunks. I don't know what that might be...throat chunks. Sounds gross though! The sides of my throat swell into chunkiness, and then they touch, and my throat thinks it's choking, and it gags. GAG! See? It just happened.
I love you, BJ. Please prove me wrong.
I'm gonna go make me some more honey water. Ouchness. Bye.
-ME!!!!!