You know what's funny? I just read over my last couple of entries, and my writing has never been so bad! It seems I'm only creatively talented when I'm in a sour mood. Go figure. I'm not entirely in a sour mood at the moment, I think I've left it behind for the time being.

I tell ya. You leave your life behind for a little while, and then you have the opportunity to get outside of it for a bit. Then what happens? You see it all too clearly. Then you can see just how messy it is. Rawr. If only I knew the best way to go about cleaning it up.

It reminds me of one of those times I simply HAD to rearrange my bedroom. I do that sometimes, when life just stresses me out and I get depressed... I rearrange the furniture. (Now I have an entire apartment to play with, so it doesn't happen as often!) So, I was moving this desk/hutch thing, and it hit a crack when I was sliding it across the hard wood floor. Guess what happened! The whole thing snapped down the middle! Every item in my possession was randomly thrown into a domino like chaos. Everything hit something else until everything I owned was strewn about in the biggest mess I had ever created...intentional or not. Things broke, shattered, turned to dust... and just plain sucked.

It was so unbelievably overwhelming...I backed out slowly (and in much pain, seeing as how my computer had taken a death dive onto my foot, splitting my big toe nail down the middle) and closed the door. The mess was hidden and I didn't have to look at it. I took a break, almost gleefully leaving behind the chaos only to return to it heaving a giant sigh with a few grunts of severe displeasure attached. I didn't even know how to begin to clean it up! But somehow I did. I tackled the big things first.

The problem with that metaphor to real life this go around, is simply that I'm having trouble discerning the difference between the big things and the little ones. Although like that bedroom disaster... when I asked for help, I was turned down repeatedly. It's overwhelming, and completely crippling. Life should not make you feel like sobbing the minute your alarm goes off in the morning.

Work is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm still there! The musical is hard. REALLY hard. And I am completely on my own! When I had told First Lutheran in the beginning that I was looking to take it elsewhere, they clamped down on it saying that they wanted it there no matter what, and for me to ask for help whenever I needed it. Well...the few times I HAVE asked for help, I was met with the equivalent of a "do it yourself" kind of response. Well, fine then! I'm sure you won't mind "helping" me with the donations we'll be raking in!

I'm just crabby. Rawr. I'm grateful to First for allowing me to put on this production. But they've been so much more involved in every other church project. Why am I left out in the cold? Because they have no idea what they're doing. We all know this. Sometimes even I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing! But I do... I have an idea at least.

It's hard to do all of this without all the people who made it happen in the first place. Kelly's gone. BJ is gone. Nikki is gone. RJ is gone. They're my net! And it's gone. BJ called the other day. I never know what to say to him. Since the times we talk are so few and far between... I always end up blurting out this repressed things I didn't even know I was repressing.

One thing I really miss about talking to him, is that we both speak in metaphors. When I would get all deep and philisophical, I knew I could rely on him to speak the same way right back to me. I asked him "If you start out climbing a mountain, with a whole huge group of people...but by the time you get to the top you're all alone, was it worth it?" He had a very simple reply. All he said was "Look at the view." I argued that the view is never as spectacular as it could be if you were sharing it with someone else. The conversation continued with that analogy, BJ attempting to convince me that not everyone has left the mountain, they're just not as high up as I am, and they're just out of sight below the tree line. And aside from that, who's to say there's not a group climbing up the other side, waiting to meet me at the top? He defeated me in my metaphor, but this mountain still feels crazy lonely...and if I could find a cave in the side of the mountain, I would live in it forever. (And if there was a lake in that cave, it would be called a Corrie. True story! It's scottish for cave lake. I'm serious.)

So...melancholy is my mood of late, and it's incredibly difficult to escape. HOWEVER. I remember a lesson I've been taught for years, and by many. When you're working on a project to glorify God, it will be mercilessly attacked. That's how I know I'm on the right track. Absolutely everything that CAN go wrong IS going wrong. This musical is going to change lives! I am going to change lives for Jesus!! Can you BELIEVE it? I am sucha huge threat right now to the devil. Know how I know? Because he's trying to beat me down harder than I've been beat down in a very very long time. I'm ashamed to say it's working. But not completely working! I'm still standing. And even though the PASTORS are trying to tell me to back out, I refuse! This musical is happening. The auditions begin in less than a week!

WE PERFORM OCTOBER 10TH and 11TH!!! THE SHOW MUST GO ON! ---er, the show must get started.

Well, I did a lot of complaining without going into any detail...and I still managed to blab on and on. I MUST be in a sour mood! Ah well. When things get bad, I watch movies and live life through someone else's eyes. When things get REALLY bad, I watch The Painted Veil... which has recently turned into Ed Norton movies in general. God bless Amazon marketplace. Thanks to Amazon, I have basically purchased every single Edward Norton movie there is, starting at just 2.98!

Okay, off I go now to take some more Advil. Can't kick these headaches, friends! AHHH!

-ME

I survived! It was a fabulous trip. After the Lizzie house we enjoyed a very calm 4th of July, watching "Red Dragon" starring my love, Ed Norton... in the screening room.

Saturday was RENT!!! Hooray!!!! We saw the best Angel, he was fantastic. A little shopping was done as well, and then we headed on back to Croton for my last meal...dun Dun DUN! Mexigo again! Deliciousnes to the max. Then we viewed "The Other Boleyn Girl" that I had brought for Kelly to watch, then a crazy walk in the pitch black dark...then sleep. Then bright and early airport! Except when I got there, there was no one. Interesting.. turns out Kelly dropped me off about an hour before the airport opened. It's a very little airport. Good thing the dors were unlocked! The evil security people watched me walk back and forth like an idiot trying to figure out where I was supposed to be, and never offered me the "We're not open yet" tidbit. I was trying to appear not...well, not stupid. So I waited for another not stupid person to ask the questions I couldn't. Te-he-he-he!

So now here I am, back in the mundane horribleness of my existence. I hate my job. Duh. The musical hasn't even started yet, and it's stressing the crap out of me. This is not news, nor was it unpredictable. So...I guess that means I shouldn't update until I have something interesting to say! Fine!

-Me

This could be my very last journal entry. In about half an hour Kelly and I are heading to Fall River to stay at the Lizzie Borden house. Don't know who that is?

"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks, and when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty one."

They kept the house in its original condition and turned it into a B&B. And my mother had been convinced for years that I could never stay the night somewhere like that. I protested, and nowhere we go. TO prove my mother wrong!

This house has been featured on America's Most Haunted... hooray! I'm a big wimp. What am I doing?? If you hear from me again, I survived...

Bye bye!! ....forever???

I'm in NEW YORK!!!!

I'm on VACATION!!!!

I haven't had one of those in a very, VERY long time. I earned it! I earned it a lot. I'm visiting Kelly, and we planned out a pretty terrific trip, if i do say so myself!

Today is Monday. I got here late Friday night, so technically I'm on day three of my vacation. What have I done so far? Well, gee.

Day one: Got up and met the fam Kelly works for. Cutest kids EVER! Then we headed to the train station and took a lovely train ride along the Hudson river to Grand Central Station in NYC. I am so grateful that Kelly can navigate that City without even thinking. Last time I was here, she was just as NYC green as me, and we looked like idiots.

First stop, TKTS, where we got our discount tickets for SPAMALOT, which was absolutely hilarious. We got to see Drew Lachey and Stephen Collins! After that, back to TKTS to secure our seats for an evening performance of Phantom!!!!!!

Before the show, she took me to Sardie's, which was the fanciest restaurant I have ever set foot in. And what was Corrie wearing? Jeans and Crocs. Oh, heavens. And the bathroom? There was an attendant who turned on the water and pumped the soap for me. Hehehehe! And the food? YUM! And gorgeously presented. I took a picture to be shared at a later date.

Then it was off to see Phantom. I saw it on stage once before a long time ago, and didn't remember the genius sets...so THAT was my favorite part. The girl who played Christine COULD have ruined it all for me, if I didn't already love it. Hearing someone sing flat during their biggest solo moments on BROADWAY just kind of...well, it gave me hope. HAHAHA! Kidding, kidding. I would NEVER!

After Phantom a teeny bit of impulsive buying on Kelly's part, then a late train home. (With the most loud obnoxious drunk people I have ever encountered.)

DAY TWO: Train to the city, shopping at store but not buying anything. (Although I almost purchased a bag of M&Ms only to realize that since I selected them myself from a dispenser at the M&Msstore, they would cost me almost 20 dollars!! Whoops...ditched the bag!)

Went to go see WICKED!!!!! Amazing show. It was SO good! And the theater was incredible. Went and bout a chocolate bar after that at the Hershey's store, then went home on the train to eat dinner t one of Kelly's faves "Mexigo".
After that it was off to White Plains City Center theater to see "Wanted". Pretty good movie! I love James McAVoy.

So now here we are, day three. Kelly works today, so I get to play with the kiddies. We're making enchiladas for everyone tonight.

LATER THEN!!

-ME!!

It's amazing how much things hurt when you try to tell yourself they don't. Guess what that makes me? A liar. There are so many questions, confusion, and memories. I hate not understanding things. I try to figure it out, but it's a waste of time. I'll never have the answers.

How can you go about life continuing things that you never thought you'd have to do alone? Projects and dreams that had always been dreampt of with someone standing next to you when it all came together.

There are moments when I walk into a room and can't even breathe, the urge to fall apart is so strong. The sob is always waiting in my throat, waiting for a weak moment to escape. I can't explain these feelings. Everyone is telling me I'm better off, and I know they're right. But I want to know why I don't have what I always thought I would, and no one can give me that answer. Why was my friendship so brutally and cruelly rejected? Why am I seemingly so undeserving of the answers I need? Why am I treated like I'm hated? What did I do that was so wrong? These questions, among many others can drive someone crazy. I can't let that happen.

One of my biggest dreams is coming true, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. Why did this all crumble? Why did he change? Why can't I let it all go? Because there are years invested in this. Years invested in him. I just get so angry when that starts to seem like one big giant waste of time, energy, and heart. "I had so much to give, but you didn't have to take it all. This pain I'm left with, I'm wondering are you happy now?" - Amy Studt

It's a waste of time trying to understand people. It's a waste of time loving people who don't know how to love. It's a waste of EVERYTHING to care about ANYTHING. So how do you know which are the monumental mistakes before you make them? You don't. You make them, and you screw up, and you cry your little heart out and go back to square one. Some mistakes just last a lot longer than others.

I'm angry and bitter now, and I hate being that way. Most days I can leave it behind, wait until the wee hours of the morning to let the acid seep out through the cracks in my sunny disposition... he's so cold and uncaring. So distant and foreign. He's riding a crazy roller coaster, changing personalities and ambitions at every turn, climbing up and falling down faster than I can even comprihend.

What's the point in rehashing this again and again? He doesn't care about you, Corrie! He's not going to miraculously decide to be a human, be the friend you need! He dropped you! He's gone! He made a bunch of lousy empty promises just like every other friend you've ever had. Why are you surprised? Why did you believe him? Why did you let him in in the first place? Stupid idiot, keep your walls! Keep your masks! He'll preach to you to be you, but what does he care? Doesn't he see he's the reason?? He's what builds walls and paints masks? Every word he lies adds a new color of deception to your face. Make it pretty, make it colorful! Keep distracting people from the layers of FALSE adorning your ridiculous lie of a face. Alter their perception, he's given you all the tools you need! He claims to want to do the opposite, he always has. He was a test, and you failed! You are a failure and a liar just like him!

Oh, stop pitying yourself. Woe is me, I'm Corrie and everyone is mean to me. So? who cares! People suck and so do you. Who needs them? Who needs you? No one, so get over it! Life is temporary. People die. You're dying too. Do something that matters. You say you are, huh? Well, prove it. Boo-hoo he's not here to "See Me Through", oh well. Did you really think he'd FOLLOW THROUGH??? YOu can't trust anyone, not even yourself. You betray you more than anything. You're a fool and I barely even tolerate you, let alone like you. How's that for a mask?? You make me sick.

You hate yourself almost as much as you secretly hate everyone else. Whoops! Secrets out! Deal with it. YOu can't blame him for EVERYTHING, just most things. Why? Because you relied on him to NOT be a liar. For that, the blame is only yours. Why did you put so much on one person? It was inevitable that he would run away. They always do. Why? Because you wanted to believe the stories he told, about how "If I had been there when she first got sick, you wouldn't have been alone. I never would have left. I never will, either. We will be a part of each other's lives forever..." blah blah BLAH! WOW! You are so ridiculously stupid. It makes me laugh! Hear me out there? I'm the maniac in your head pointing at you and laughing insanely. You're hilariously pathetic! You fall for EVERYTHING. You claim to have all these trust issues, and that you never believe people. Too bad you believe absolutely everything they say, and fall for it hook line and sinker.

End this now. Go away. Nobody cares. Boo-hoo, go wallow in that for awhile and leave me alone.

Man, life is insane. AHHHH! It makes me feel like a crazy person. Since the first time I talked to BJ, I never really imagined a time when he would be completely out of my life. But... that's what he wanted. That's the decision he made.

Over the past few months he has disappeared and reappeared, each time delivering promises and pleas for a friendship to last through the ages. Then he would abandon everything he said and rip my heart out again. And again. And again. He became unrecognizable to me, and I'm still baffled.

How do you go from love to hate with nothing in the middle? How does he turn so cold? He has prided himself on being this amazing empathetic person, but I think he's just...stupid. Stupid and selfish. But at the same time, I don't think it's entirely his fault.

Throughout our entire relationship BJ had admired my family, specifically my Dad. Can't say that I blame him. Look at the male role models he grew up with. Not exactly the greatest influences. He never witnessed a strong loving and caring relationship. He never knew what it meant to be a united front, because all he ever saw was division. I'm grateful for my upbringing, because I will never doubt what is right or wrong in the treatment of my significant other. I know when I have done wrong, and I know when I have done right, because I have done both. I have made my share of mistakes, but I have also been through MORE than my share of turmoil. I never thought BJ, my best friend... would ever be that man. After what happened when I was there in October, I never throught he would turn into that statistic. I guess he got what he wanted and moved on. Makes me ill just to think about it.

I can analyze and try to figure it out all I want, but I'll always come up empty handed. It doesn't make a single bit of sense. Cure me and my memory, because I can remember every word, every vocal inflection, every promise...broken and otherwise. I can remember all the good times... but thank you to helpful reminder from Kelly, I can remember all the bad as well. That's where his inability to form a united front was painfully obvious. The way he would let people talk to me and about me... sometimes it felt like he didn't even like me. I guess I won't miss that. No, not really...

I will miss BJ my best friend. I kind of put BJ my boyfriend on a pedestal he really didn't deserve, romanticising the relationship in my head because it was my first. He was my first love.

It should have been a giant indicator when he randomly said one time "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." I had responded at the time by saying 'but you're the only one I want to love me...' and that really isn't true anymore. It amazes me how intensely I used to believe that. He didn't know how to love someone completely. He only knew how to love in bits and pieces. I want to love and be loved completely. I'm really looking forward to finding that.

It still hurts more than I care to admit...the way everything happened. I feel really stupid about certain things, but there's no real way to get around that. Time heals all wounds. I DO think that he's cruel, and I think he's lost his way. The cruelty is unintentional...just a side effect. He's someone different now. If this is the way he's going to stay... I'm worried for his future, and the people in it.

I have more work to do on myself than I'm making it sound. He's not the only one to blame, he's just the one who ran away and left a mess for me to clean. He was a huge part of my life, and there's a gant hole where he used to be. But I think filling that void will prove to be an amazing experience. Replacing lies with truth usually is.

My family is pretty awesome. They transition with me. I used to think they were madly in love with him, and would ridicule me for ruining things. Turns out...they're madly in love with ME and stand behind me even if they think I'm dating an idiot. *cough andi cough* So when I told them BJ didn't even want to be my friend anymore, they didn't even flinch. They shrugged and said "Oh well" like it was just a flash on a TV screen. At first I was offended, because I thought it was a bigger deal than that. To them, he's just Corrie's ex-boyfriend. Why would it be a bigger deal to them? Then it made me feel better to see how they saw it. They will make it easier without even knowing it.

Someday I hope I can look back on all of this as a pleasant and very distant memory. He's chosen to cut ties, so I guess I'll have to just let it all go. I knew it would be tough for me, so i did the typical deletion of him from my phone, myspace, facebook, email, etc.. NOT because I wanted to cut him out of my life... because that was never what I wanted. I did it so I couldn't have any resources to beg him to stay in mine. I know how i can be, and I have a really hard time of letting go of those I love. Curses.

Well, time to go now. Miss you, Nickelby! You're coming home soon!! Can't WAIT!

We will miss you, Darla...


Darla Christine Killmer
April 28, 1996 - April 23, 2008

I hate days like today. I hate how I feel. I get to a point where I find myself absolutely revolted by those around me to the point of physical illness. I literally get so disgusted that I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I feel so angry sometimes. Angry at the circumstances, angry at the past, angry at the future that seems to be beating me into the ground. I hate feeling like this!

I know I'm not completely mentally healthy. I have so many issues I haven't dealt with. Abandonment, humiliation, degradation, betrayal, agony, and pure and total fear. I feel like there's rage that's been long surpressed...and it's transformed into something worse. I don't even know what to call it.

My stomach is swirling with a whirl of emotions, and I don't even know which one to go with. I don't even like myself...so how can I blame others for keeping their distance? Who the heck have I turned into? How can I get back to who I want to be? How do I even figure out who that person is?

I depend on people who love me to help me figure that out, but I don't think they can.

I feel like a mess. I thought I had myself back on the right track. I thought I was where I needed to be. I thought I had things under control. Why is the urge to get in my car and drive in one straight direction and never come back so unbelievably strong? Just adopt a new identity and flee the country. Leave this all behind and start over.

I should take my own advice and "clean out the junk closet"... thank you, anonymous janitor. Your guidance extends well beyond the written page.

Time to go.

"Missing Me" - RJ Helton

..........>>>>>>
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

Well...

Mom's cancer has grown and gotten worse, and we had kind of a crappy day. How do we cope? We go home and make videos. This video was MEANT to look real, but be completely fake. Jamison got a bit carried away, and towards the end? Very very real. Sunnie had to stop filming when Jamison realized I was calling out "You did it for real!"

So here you are. Enjoy my misery.

It has been quite awhile since I wrote last, and I wish I had the energy to write it all down. But I don't! My head is just a jumble of mixed emotions. Extreme highs and lows bouncing all over the place.

My mom is pretty sick. It's such a crazy roller coaster ride. She has her good days and her bad days. The cancer has spread and she's trying new treatments. It's such a trial for everyone.

Plan See is actually taking shape, and See Me Through is actually going to happen! How? Well, a friend of mine made it possible. RJ Helton, the guy who inspired the story with his brilliant music is now someone I am priviledged to call my friend.

I feel things slipping through my fingers though, and it's so exhausting to even think about writing it all down. There are a lot of things I miss, and wish I could change... but that's not up to me anymore. I miss BJ.

Hopefully I'll write more soon and elaborate a bit more. Until then...

Bye

"Forgive"

This pain goes on
Deep inside my heart
Changing all that I knew
This feels so wrong
I'm tired of being angry
But tell me what do I do
I feel betrayed and completely over come
This is the hardest thing I've ever done

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that Your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me

We're all afraid
Silenced by the fear
Of the mistakes that were made
I call I pray
Lord help me to remember
That everybody breaks
Fill me with your spirit and your words
Give me the heart to heal and not to hurt

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me

Everyone in this world needs a Nikki. But you can't have this one. She's mine. When Andi wrote: "You’re not someone who should be ‘affecting other peoples lives’, because you have never done that in a positive way. Until you can figure out how to change yourself, your contact with others should be limited." It cut deep. For a brief, split second I believed him. Boy, was I wrong! HE was wrong. What wonderful people I have. There were the typical comments laced with colorful language from those certain few...but then there was Nikki.




WHY EVERYONE NEEDS A NIKKI:

He's so...he's so...he's so...ERG!!! I don't even know what to say to all the junk he said! I feel like, yes, he's on to something when he says to "let it go," but what he SHOULD mean by that is to forgive and be able to move on. Not just "let it go" as if it's that simple.

Multiple Personality Disorder = WHO IS HE TRYING TO KID??? Again, like I said in my text message...he must be mistaking you for HIMSELF.

I understand that straight-forward people are great, and that being frank and honest is an admirable quality. But I feel like he's NOT being those things...he's being cruel. He's taking every single comment five steps farther than they need to be just to make it sound more mean. Geez Louise.

And yeah...about the "positively affecting others" part...If he thinks what he says is true, then he NEVER KNEW YOU. You, the REAL you, the you who I know and love and still see in you, even if you're feeling lost. The you who changes over the years and grows, as you should, but always, at the heart of everything, keeps the same spirit. Corrien Killmer, I love you. You have affected ME far beyond positively. You taught me how to sing like no one's listening. You taught me how to think outside the box. You taught me how to dream. You taught me how to be a silly who-cares-what-they-think teenager. I learned, through you, that you're never too old to play on a playground, it only takes a video camera to become a rock star, that geeks are cooler than jocks anyways, and that the kids on my bus called me "mustache" because they were jealous they couldn't grow their own. You learned a language with me. *I LOVE YOU SIGN*. You pointed me down the path of light when I was about to walk down a dark valley. I don't know who I'd BE had it not been for you. Even WITHOUT every little moment we've shared in our lives, that ONE NIGHT could have been the night that saved my faith. I don't even want to know what I would be like without that night. You have drastically changed me for the better, in big ways and small, since I've known you. Corrie, I thank God for you.

Andi can think what he wants, ignore what he knows is true, and go on in his "let it go" world for as long as he wants. I pray God snatches him and brings him back to Him, because he's obviously far, far away. But you, my dear, will come out of this a better soul than he. You can heal, even if it takes quite a while. And I know, with time, you can even forgive. I almost pity Andi, because he seems to be incapable of all those things. Almost pity.

Andi can be wrong. Because I know the truth, and am telling you so that you know it, too. You are a wonderful person, Corrie Killmer, and you have wonderful gifts that bless the people you know. Never, ever, let Andi (or anyone else Satan seems to try and use against you) tell you otherwise. Satan can eat it. (Ooops...is it still sinful to be vulgar towards the devil himself? Heh...).

You, my dear...go listen to RJ Helton's "Forgive." ;) Praise God for who He is. And never forget who YOU are (even if it's hard to see right now). What does that good old quote say? A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart...and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words.

And I'm singing it loud and proud!!!! (Which, coincidentally, I learned from you. ;))

Love, always.
Nik

So that's all for now.
God Bless You All.

Mom's cancer is back.

News, news, news...oh yeah! I'm single. The thing with that guy JOEY was his name, never really went anywhere. It was all kinda dumb. I feel really stupid about it, actually.

In other news, I am fully moved into the apartment. Now it's Kelly's turn to make a lot of messes. Unfortunately, she and Tim are no longer together. So she has a lot more time suddenly to attempt to make her half of the apartment look pretty. It's slow going, but still semi-productive. It will be lovely.

I'm going to Alabama with Kelly next weekend since she's not currently on her way there with Tim. We're still borrowing Andi's Denali, and I shall resist peeing in it.

Tim and Kelly are going to do the friends thing. I hope it works out better for her than it did with me and Andi. He's kind of a crappy friend. No, he just isn't a friend. I went from lover to nobody, and whatever, I guess that's fine. I miss people though...if I spend a grat deal of time with them, and then all of a sudden nothing...I miss them. I'm human. Just like I miss Amber, Jeremy and Ale. Oh well. They made their choices. I was kind of left out of those equations.

I'm so excited to see BJ in Alabama! So so so excited. It's been seven months! It will be very good to see him. He and his family are going through a really hard time. Not the same as what my family has gone through recently, but I can still relate to certain aspects. I can understand now how much he wanted to be with me during it all, because I feel the same way now. He's my best friend. I miss him.

So, I guess that's all for now. More later!

BYE!!

FLC's Video Drama September

Look at this! This is the video I made with the aid of high school best theater buddies for First Lutheran. Yay! Enjoy :)

Well! I guess a lot has happened. I'll try to be as brief as possible. I'm in the process of moving out! I half moved today, I'll finish up tomorrow. I am so exhausted! I'm moving into Kelly's apartment! I get the bedroom. YES! Kelly set it up really nice. I'll take pictures and post them when all is put together.

In other news, I've started dating someone new. Kind of a long distance relationship again. I'm not exactly excited about THAT aspect of it, but overall I'm pretty excited. He's crazy about me, which is definitely a plus! I don't feel like I'm annoying him, which is how I always felt with Andi. Wasn't really planning on jumping into another relationship... but it has no choice but to be a slow moving one. He lives in Chicago. We'll see what happens! He gives me butterflies...

I forgot how much fun Caribou can be. It's more fun of course when Randy isn't around. He makes me want to tear my face off sometimes, I swear. There are so many things he does that just completely annoy me. GRR! Ah well. Your boss is SUPPOSED to annoy you, right?

So I guess that's all I have to say for now. We went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday! Kelly, Jamie and I went in "character" I will post those pictures as well. They're fantastic.

Until then--

Farewell friends!

Time for the recap of the VACATION! I'll tell you this much... it was so hard to come home! First things first!

I left on August 31st! My plane was a bit late, so my Aunt Rachel was waiting for me when I got there, pretending to be annoyed. It was so good to see her! We drove home to Tega Cay SC from Charlotte NC... she pointed out where she worked at Billy Graham and other cool landmarks along the way.

When we got to the house Uncle Scott was waiting there happily to greet me. He showed me his pet spider, Charlotte. Gross. It was a gigantic garden spider that lives on the side of his house. I took a picture.



After that, we chatted a bit before deciding where to go for dinner. We settled on "Fish Bone" which had AMAZING seafood! Uncle Scott took the liberty of selecting my meal for me. I had scallops and shrimp and a baked potato. DELICIOUS! So so good. The scallops were HUGE and melted in my mouth. After that we went to the video store and rented "Fracture"...then we picked up a couple necessities at the grocery store. The evening ended in front of their giant TV in their unbelievably comfy living room. Then I went to go sleep in Kyle's room! Very blue, very comfortable.



The next morning Rachel made unbelievably delicious orange cranberry white chocolate cream scones from SCRATCH! They were eyes roll back in your head good. Scott set out to go fishing with his best friend Gil, while Rachel and I hit to road to Clemson, where Zachary goes to school. What should have been a 2 hour drive turned into a much longer drive when we got stuck in traffic. A FedEx truck had somehow crashed and snapped itself in half over the concrete partition on the interstate. It was carrying a load of Dell computers. Too bad there were so many cops around, the computers were all over the ground! But, soon we made it to Clemson, and I got to see Zach! It had been too long. I missed him.



We drove around and Zach gave us a tour of the campus. We stopped at the Clemson track and walked around a bit. It was really awesome to see where he did his thang!



After the tour we went to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch, and then out for ice cream. After THAT we took Zach grocery shopping and annoyed the heck out of Rachel. The things that come out of Zachary's mouth! I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. My stomach hurt so badly afterwards!

After the goodbyes later that afternoon/evening, Rachel and I headed back to Tega Cay. We met up with Scott at the house, and watched some TV before and after we had some yummy fresh shrimp with pasta. A wonderful day! I managed to take some pictures of the deer that Uncle Scott feeds each night. I took pictures through the blinds on the back door. Wasn't easy, but I got some amazing shots! I had never seen deer so close up before. Then we watched Pirates of the Caribbean; Curse of the Black Pearl. BIG TV! Lots o' fun.



On Sunday we got up and went to church together. It was a good message about how to Glorify God in your work. Definitely not a bad one for me to hear! Even a coffee shop can be a Godly job if you make it one.

After that Scott and Rachel decided to take me to the mall. Without my knowledge they had planned to buy me a new outfit. Little did they know what they were getting themselves into! I am the worst shopper in the world. I drove them a little crazy BUT...they bought me three beautiful tops to wear. It was very very nice of them!

After that we went to a restaurant that I can't remember the name of...for Mexican food. I had "Mexican Stir Fry." It was delicious! Then we headed back to the house. Rachel and I went to the grocery store for a few more things after watching some Food Network. Then...we came back home. We ended up watching random TV shows and eating a yummy oreo dessert before Scott decided on putting on "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I started to fall asleep, so went up to bed after that.

On Monday we had a lazy morning with scones and the food network. It was so great to just...relax! No worries. Later that afternoon Scott ran some errands and Rachel took me to the Billy Graham library. It was more of a museum, really. It was a beautiful building.



It was really really interesting! I enjoyed it. It had a spiritual impact, and you just felt good being there. After the library we headed back to the house. Scott wasn't there yet, but Rachel started making an amazing meal of Salmon, red potatoes and shrimp skewers. Oh man! Yummy! Shortly after that, Rachel and I made homemade marshmallows! Yes, people DO that!



We watched the deer eat outside, and then settled in to watch the Clemson football game on ESPN. I tried really hard to understand it. I actually DID enjoy it. Uncle Scott gave me a foot rub...*grins* it relaxed me a little bit too much and I had to go up to bed.

The next morning, Tuesday, Rachel and I...no, scratch that. I WATCHED Rachel make more yummy scones, that I got to take home with me! I was coating marshmallows and packing them up to take those home with me too! SOOOO good. Scott and Rachel prayed over me before Rachel and I left for the airport. It was so sad for me to leave!

The time I spent there was amazing. We didn't do anything extravagant, but it was exactly what I needed. So many good conversations and good laughs. Everything from Rachel telling me she was "jiggy" to the serious stuff. It was so enjoyable. Scott makes me feel human and normal, which is really hard to feel sometimes. They told me I was a ray of sunshine.

I really miss them, even though we didn't see them that often when they lived here. I was so excited to go, and it was even better than I had hoped. They treated me like royalty. They were so open with me, and told me things about their lives growing up that I had never known before. I felt...important in a non-demanding way. My parents make me feel important in a financial and chore related way. It felt so good! And they kept telling me how much they loved having me there.

Anyway, so that was my vacation. I know no one cares about the general day to day except for me...but it was definitely something worth remembering...it may not seem like it, but it was an amazing trip. I was so grateful to them for having me.

Well, I started back at Caribou today. I was supposed to get there at 6am, fill out paperwork, and then sort of ease into the whole thing again, watch, observe, relearn... (it's really hard hopping back and forth with drink formulas being different between each chain) BUT!! Someone went home very early, and all of the sudden Randy pulls me aside and says "Yeah... I'm just going to go ahead and throw you on bar"

So that was that! Short shift, not too bad. Saw some regulars and made them very happy. I hope this isn't as permanent as it feels right now. I don't think I would like myself for very long if that continued to be the case!

So now I'm going to do a survey Kelly put up on myspace, because I'm bored. Sunnie's engagement party is tonight, and I don't have much to do beforehand...so... there!


1) Are you an Aunt/Uncle?
Yes. But I forget that sometimes! My technically oldest sister has two children, Tyler and Jenna.

2) Can you do a cartwheel
If you want do die laughing

3) What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
The Nanny Diaries

4) Do you eat vegetables regularly?
I do. I heart them.

5) If you were going to get a body piercing, where would you get it?
My elbow. It's all the rage these days.

6) Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Hopefully more now! I hang via telephone, does that count?

7) What is the weather like right at this very moment?
Blah

8) What is something that you can't wait for?
To fall in love with the real deal

9) How many times have you been to Canada?
It's such a blur. Was that Canada?

10) Have you ever had a reptile as a pet?
Just a fake beanie one. I don't think that counts.

11) What is your favorite fruit?
I enjoy mangoes.

12) What song is on your MySpace profile right now?
"I Hear You Calling" by GOB

13) Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
BJ, calling to see how the first day at the Bou went

14) Where are you most ticklish?
My neck. Get away from me.


15) How many hours a week do you normally work?
Forty

16) Who's your number 1 on your top friend list?
My Smelly.

17) Do you have deep dark secrets?
I do, actually. Things absolutely nobody knows. A lady has to keep some mystery!

18) When was the last time you were sick?
Last time I had to take some disagreeable medicine... but after that life circumstances made me just altogether ill.

19) What color is your car?
White.

20) How many siblings do you have?
Four.

21) Have you ever gotten caught sneaking out?
Ha! No. I was punished for staying in!

22) Did you ever try running away from home when you were younger?
No, I just got kicked out a lot.

23) What makes you the happiest?
Well, I can't rely on people to make me happy. So... good conversations and gut busting laughter...both involve people...but not entirely dependant upon them. Whatever! YOu can have a great conversation with yourself!

25) Where do you want to be right now?
On a cruise

26) Have you ever finished a Rubik's Cube?
No. People kept taking them away from me whenever I tried!

27) When is the last time you drank too much?
The day after never.

28) When was the last time you rode a bike?
My brother has stolen mine again...but I rode it all around the day I rescued it!

29) Do you have any vacation plans for this summer?
I go to the SC in three days. Holla!

30) Where were you 1 hour ago?
Asleep...on my bed.

31) Who will be your next kiss?
Cairo

32) Do you kiss a lot of people?
People? Mmm...not so much.

33) Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope!

34) When was the last time you went out of state?
Chicago for the Arts conference!

36) What was the last thing you had to drink?
Archer Farms Wildberry Water

37) What are you wearing right now?
Pink flowered pajama pants, and my MHS one act fest T-shirt. MY SPOON IS TOO BIG!

38) What was your last purchase?
Supplies for Sunnie's guacamole!

39) Last thing you ate?
E.L. Fudge cookie. Bad, Corrie BAD!

40) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Work shirts.

41) Are you a sexual predator:
Why yes I am.

42) What is in the backseat of your car:
Absolutely NOTHING! That's because I have fold down seats, so everything ends up in the trunk to give the illusion of cleanliness. Much like a closet, or under the bed, etc...

43. Three words to explain why you last threw up:
One Giant Mistake

44. What is the equation for the Pythagorean theorem?
A squared plus B squared equals C squared

45. What was the last movie you watched?
Peal Harbor

46. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls?
Nah, I think every girl should strive to be deformed.

47. What kind of car does your mother drive?
A Cruiser of the PT sort, in the shade of black.

48. Do you like scrabble?
Not since the german teacher who was forced to teach french made us play it every day IN french to avoid actually teaching us anything. My bonjour is a triple word score!

49. Where did/do you attend high school:
IN the lake where the white bear died. Seriously! That's the legend. It's a little more detailed than that. And I didn't actually go to school IN the water. Just the city that's named for it. White Bear Lake, in case you didn't know.

50. Favorite scent:
Christmas! I guess that's a pine scent. I adore it.

51. Do you like mornings:
Not at 3:45 am! But other than that, yeah..we coo

52. Last television program you watched?
Oprah on TiVo.

53. Spell your name without any vowels:
Crr Ha! That's like Grr but with a "c"

54. Does your neighbor have an animal that annoys you?
Yes! ON both sides! Darn yippers.

55. Does your family own any boats:
Father has one. It moves every other year. I hear it floats.

56. Things you can't live without?
My pals, my fam, my furry friends, movies, writing...

57. Do you wear flip flops constantly:?
When I'm not required to wear something else! Or when it's not cold outside. I wear my Sanuks! They're magic, so just back off about how ugly they are already! Geez!

58. What do you think of Adam Brody?
He COULD have been my friend, but he blew that chance by going to film some show called "The OC" instead of keeping his engagement to promote Grind at TMOA...

59. Do you have air conditioning in your room?
Yes...but sometimes I genuinely doubt its existence.

61. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
It American Sign Language. We were all wearing ear plugs. Didn't work out so well for us. We were confused.

62. How often do you read books?
Never. I used to! I plan on changing that.

63. Do you like James Blunt?
Am I in trouble? Who is James Blunt?

65. Describe the computer you are currently using :
It was a gift from my sistah...which is funny, because she hates PCs. But they're cheap, what can I say? I enjoy it though. When it works :) It's an hp pavilion.

66. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
When I go out...does that mean with other people? Cuz that doesn't happen very often. I went out yesterday and it took me an hour to get ready. Not for normal reasons, but because I shut the bathroom door before I had pulled my foot through...took part of my ankle skin off, and it insisted on bleeding...a lot! That was annoying.

67. Will you donate your organs after you pass:
I should...but I forgot to check that box...

68. Have you been outside of the USA?:
Cruise to the BAHAMAS baby!

69. Would you ever get your nipple pierced?:
My nipples have enough problems on their own. Owie!

70. If you could pick one person to be with forever who would it be?
Jude Law... wait, does it have to be someone I know personally? Gawrsh...