So today was an interesting day. Good? Not really. Bad? Not sure. It didn't start out very well. I was already not looking forward to going to theater. I hate feeling worthless. Anyway, it wasn't that bad. Just three people to work with today. But, I did have to walk through the rain to get there. And my shoes got soaked which gave me unbearable blisters, and when I got there I was cranky! Then I had to sit, and direct! What is up with that? Well...rehearsal went fairly well. The walk home was torture, but I survived. It was after I was home for awhile, that things got interesting.

I was home alone for a few hours. Sunnie (my sister) went to work, my brother Jamison was at a friend's house. My dad hadn't come home from work, and my mom was out shopping. HA! Another story for another time. ANYWAY! I haven't slept in about a week...I drifted off somewhere between 6-7 pm. Only for about 15 minutes, but still! It was Heaven. I turned on the TV, and started watching "Jumanji". Silly movie, but a good time. Then my dad came home. Then my mom came home! Joy joy joy times a million! Immediately, she took a seat on the couch, grabbed the remote, and instructed me to unload the 50 or so grocery bags from her car. If you know me, you know I've been out of work for a couple months, because of a serious back/neck/shoulder injury. Well! Yeah, lifting all those bags is gonna get me better right quick! I did as I was told, as usual.

After bringing all the groceries into the kitchen, I was told to put them all away. I had already cleaned the entire house solo that day...I couldn't handle this. I started putting them all away, folding each bag, tucking it neatly away behind the garbage bin. Suddenly my mom goes "See that big sack of potatoes? I need you to peel all those, cut them into fourths and boil them. Then you can go back to the groceries. Oh, and fry the bacon." As she goes back to sit on the couch. I'm so used to this Cinderella treatment...but I had earlier recieved a lecture from Tim Beier about standing up for myself, and not letting my parents force me into slave labor. In a burst of self confidence, I refused to peel the potatoes and fry the bacon, stating that I was sick and tired of doing everything for everybody. I'm even fighting a war for Sunnie for goodness sake! I handle the house, the play, the problems...too much sometimes. Anyway, my mom says "You are not doing everything! If you were, the laundry would be done. You can go ahead and do that next if you insist on complaining." So, I started to cry. I suddenly realized how much I really do hate my life. She laughed at me, sent me to my room (after the chores of course) and said that's where I can spend my Friday night. Then she laughed again, stating "As if you had plans".

I was so so so upset. I went up to my room, and signed online. Tim was on. Lucky, lucky him. I was really in a bad place, and I just started venting. Very very very much. I told him everything. Well, not everything. But a lot. I made him worry, I made him feel bad, and that made me feel bad. He kept telling me he cared, and I didn't know how to believe him. Sometimes I just feel so screwed up. I'm a lonely person, and I've had a lot of evil people steal away my happiness. He's such a good friend, he's so amazingly wonderful, that I just...can't trust him. He deserves to be trusted, but some things are just too good to be true. He ended up talking to Jessi about it on the phone while he was talking to me online. She said I could l Iive with her family. They both think I can be someone else if I get out of this house. I wish it were that easy...that just seems to unbelievably good to be true. Do they really mean it? Would they kick me out? Would they get sick of me? Would they want me to make the meals? Clean the house? Do the laundry? I've known no other life. It's so messed up.

Tim ended up calling me, I ended up crying on the phone. I told him things. Things I've never told anyone. It was a good feeling. I want to believe he really cares. But no one ever has like that, so how can I? He's different than I thought he would be. He can be so serious...I love that. He wants to help me. He WANTS to help me. Everyone I've told the truth to, like I've told him...they disappear. He says that'll never happen. I really really want to believe that. I told him I knew Sunnie told him I like him. Not much else was said about it. I don't know if I want there to be. He knows a lot of valuable information about me now...too much? Hope not. I hope he's happy...he deserves it more than most people I know. Somehow, before the conversation ended, he had me laughing. HOW THE HECK DID HE DO THAT?? He's so amazing. YOU ARE, TIM! So there. I know, I know...you do what you can. *laughs*

So, he helped me temporarily escape...he said something in the conversation..."all of your wounds will be healed one day by the man of your dreams that will take you away, far away from all of you troubles..." Yeah, well...as much as I don't want to depend on that, why is it that I believe to the "very core of my being" that when I have that kind of love in my life, everything bad will disappear? It's the thing I crave more than anything. And the one thing that seems permanently out of reach. AHHH! I frustrate myself.... I really don't like where I am. I want someone to show up, and say "Pack a bag. You're not coming back." And then they'll take me somewhere perfect...worry free me. Does that version exist? I worry so much...most often about other people. I'm scared sometimes to think about me. Because when I do, I see all the bad things, and realize there aren't many good ones.

Well, this is a long entry. But, I'd just like to include one more thing. Or I'll forget all about it. I have the "Corrie, I'm flattered...you're a good friend" speech completely memorized. Fortunately for me, in all of my self loathing, and therefore discovery, I've come across a few things I have that really need to be appreciated! And one day...yes, I have it all planned out. The following will be said about me. (One of the guys in my life...this will be so overwhelmingly true to you...you just won't be able to handle it! Someday it will just dawn on you...wow...I love Corrie Killmer. I LOVE her!)

"I'm in love with someone. She's completely different from anyone I've ever known. She's very unusual...but what makes her different, makes her beautiful. She makes me smile, just by the way she looks at me. She's done so much for me. She was always there for me when I needed her. I wish I could have seen it all before. I only wish I felt more worthy...she has a classic beauty. I wish everyone could see it. The way she laughs, it's so genuine. Her eyes never lie. I can see I make her happy. I only wish I knew why... I know she'd tell me if I asked her. She's honest...and she's given me the greatest gift of all. Her trust. I love her so much, and I think it's time I let her know that...she deserves to be loved the way I know I can love her..."

Yep. Someone is going to say that about me! *Waiting....waiting...waiting...* Laughs* Well, my parents were unusually excited by the fact that yes...I am not a lesbian, I DO like guys...when I told them that recently, my dad gave me a hug and said he wants grandchildren, fast. Oh, so now my overbearing over protective parents want me to have immediate sex? Okay, whatever floats their boat or sinks their submarine...Well, anyhow. I know this was lengthy. But it all had to be said! I say it's time to end today. I'll have something new and interesting to say tomorrow. *laughs* Talk to you then! E-rok out man! (someday...I'll explain that too...)