Yesterday was the day after my big episode. I don't know if I should feel bad about telling the truth like that or not. I'm just scared of it turning out like it always has before. Honestly, who could blame me? It seems sometimes when you allow people to know what you're afraid of, they can use it against you. Most times it's unintentional. I'm just too...scared of everything.
Yesterday, the slightly better about the world feeling I had momentarily after talking to Tim, was completely gone. I was incredibly restless, and couldn't stay in the house. I went downstairs, and the house that I had just cleaned was completely trashed. I knew in just a few minutes, my mother would make her grand appearance at the top of the stairs and instruct me as to my "chores" *cough, slave labor* for the day.
Without a plan, a goal, a destination..I grabbed my discman and a CD, pulled my shoes on, and was out the door. Alas, it is my only way of getting around. I just started walking. I walked for hours. Every time there was a possibility of turning, I would turn. The blisters on my feet were forgotten for awhile, but nothing else was. I spent the whole time thinking about everything. I had such a headache by the end of the walk, I couldn't handle it.
I ended up stopping at Lurae's house. How I got there, I have no idea. I was up by Cub, and then down town White Bear? Hmmm.... anyway. Nikki happened to be there, and I filled them in rather quickly as to why I had been walking all morning...I had left at 8am, and it was after noon by the time I got to Lurae's.
Anyway, eager to make my brain stop working overtime, Lurae and I ended up going to The Mall Of America...just to get ride bands for Camp Snoopy. Lurae and I hadn't seem each other for months, and we fell back into place as if not a day had gone by. We talked girly topics as we rode the "really scary" roller coaster...and I laughed. But after every laugh, every turn, ever fake yelp of fear...my brain would automatically return to the things I wanted to stop thinking about. It was torture!
After the mall, we went and visited Lurae's mom in the hospital. My mind and emotions betrayed me again as I found my head to be completely clouded with seemingly unwanted thoughts. There are some things though, that you tell yourself you don't want to think of... but their pleasant thoughts! You don't want to think of them BECAUSE they're pleasant, and you don't want to think of things that you can't have. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Like we had never missed a beat, Lurae invited me to sleepover. God bless her for trying, but after actually not being home ALL DAY, I still felt...bad. Nothing had changed. I got to leave the nightmare for awhile, but return to it everyday. The nightmare isn't just "home" and the people in it... it's everything. Everything and nothing.
We ended up inviting Tim to come hang out with us, but he couldn't. It was too late. We did girly forget about your problems and don't talk about guys things, liky dying Lurae's hair. Yes, it was a first for me, but it turned out okay! Then we munched on some stuff, (after realizing no...I hadn't eaten for about 3 days....) Then decided to watch "Signs" since Lurae had never seen it. Yeah...she fell asleep half an hour into it. And then we went to bed! That brings me to now. I'm laying on her bottom bunk at 7:30 am, my brain constantly luring me into a slew of emotions and...feelings! *growls* And I can't stand it. The thought I currently hate the most? That no matter how many times you tell yourself you DON'T need someone else to make you happy....yeah, you're lying. You do! Well, at least I do. I need a someone....*sigh* Oh well. You can't miss what you never had, right? Then how come I do?
Well, in half an hour we'll get up and get ready for church. Maybe that's what I really need right now. It doesn't seem like it...I feel like I know what I need (as unattainable as it is) So! I suppose I will...write even MORE later! So, yo. Peace out home slice.
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