The shower is the safest place to cry. You can come up with a million reasons as to why your eyes are red and puffy. You got soap in your eyes, etc etc. The noise of the water hitting the tiles can also muffle the sound of an escaped sob or two. The "shower cry" has been one of my few consolations in life I can count on. That sounds horrible...I have to explain.

Growing up, I was a heap of emotions. I cried about everything. I let everyone know how I was feeling all the time. But then people (*cough* mom *cough*) Began conditioning me to believe that crying and being emotional was something to be incredibly ashamed of. I believed her. When she got sick, I only cried in the shower. Even then I was scared she would resent my tears. One time I cried in the bath tub. I remember running the jets in the tub to drown out my little whimpers. I began beating the water with my fists, and it turned angry... no one could hear it though.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. When it rains, it pours. Since I've decided to hide my emotions as much as possible, i find myself looking forward to showers. A moment when I can just...cry.

Today started out bad, and got worse. This whole week is just kind of slipping away from me. You can't only have one bad day, you have to have at least three.

Thank the LORD sugar week is coming to an end, or I'd be dead by now. I'm getting sicker, the bad sick... the 'i need new lungs, like yesterday' kind of sick, and I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the choking, and the brown stuff, and the raw heaving, and the blood... I'm exhausted. I don't feel like a sick person, and Lord knows I'm not treated like sick person, but I'm starting to realize that I'm not exactly well, and that both terrifies me and intrigues me. It's that dark fantasy I've always had... the sick and twisted one when you wonder how everyone in your life would react if you were deathly ill. But I'm not... at least I don't think so. I don't know...

This morning...hmm. Sunnie had to drive me to work, and I almost cried over it. Dumb, dumb. To depend on your little sister to drive you places? It's horrible! Then there's the horrible, horrible, EVIL lady...who duped her coffee on my hand and scalded me, because she had to wait at the drive-thru for 11 minutes. All of our computers froze, and I was the only person working the drive-thru (duh, that's how it works) and I'm not a magician. Forgive me! She did it on purpose too...heavens.

The morning was hectic enough, and I got my break five minutes late. I called Kelly to answer her question, then Lara came in! She's on her way to New York now... she worked at Caribou with us. I'm really going to miss her.

After Lara came in, I called BJ to let him know I had kept my promise about demanding a rbeak in the middle of my 11 hour day at the coffee shop. If I hadn't... I dunno.

So, I worked til five, and I was on bar. AND everything else. Ah, well. I'm fantastic, right? I felt so not good by the end of the day, I wanted nothing more than to fall over. BUT--it's Monday. I had to go to Getdown.

I get there early, because I had a drama practice to run. Only half the cast (of two people) showed up, and that was Brant. I ran his lines with him, and we chatted a bit. He asked what was bothering me, but I avoided the snowball, and just said "car troubles". Because if I started talking about ONE problem...pretty soon he'd be hearing my whole life story!

Getdown went on, and I just felt...blah. Not good. My mind started to wander in that I'm tired, cranky, and my life is hellish at the moment kind of way, so of course I ended up on this one way track down 'all the bad things in my life right now' road. By the end of the night, i wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Ben, oh perceptive one, came up to me and gave me a hug. "We should talk" he said. "What's going on in your life?" And I wanted to suddenly tell him everything. I haven't told ANYONE everything. I stared at him, and he stared right back. That's when the tears started. I held them back, with the promise of the 'shower cry' hiding in the back of my mind. My throat closed up with razor blades poking through, and Ben held on and wouldn't let go. I don't feel that way about Ben at all, but just...just being held. It really made me want to cry, because it wasn't...I dunno. Real? Maybe that's the word I'm looking for, maybe not.

Ben said he wanted to drive me to work tomorrow. (5am? I don't think so) I refused to let him, he kept insisting. Then it turned into how he would pick me up at 10:30 (when I get off) and then we would have out, talk, and he would take me out to lunch. It made me want to cry again. I crave that male friendship...I used to have it in abundance! A guy best friend...although, I have a terrible habit of falling in love with those...that's gotta stop. Anyway, I know Ben's not that person. The guy best friend. I don't really want him to be either. He's too flakey...to demonstrate:

We made plans for tomorrow. Pick me up, chat, lunch, go to meeting together. (He, Perry and I meet every single Tuesday afternoon to plan the next Getdown) Not more than five minutes later, he leads me into the kitchen by the hand to cancel the plans for tomorrow.

"I really wanted to take you out, but Perry says I have to be at the staff meeting"...blah blah blah. If I had believed him in the first place, I may have been disappointed. I knew it wouldn't happen, because that's the kind of guys I meet here. Ah, well. I can't....argh. Snowball effect. It's getting bigger...

So, we drove home, and I let out everything I've held in for the past month while in the shower. Poor unsuspecting bar of soap. It got a little overly mutilated. Oh, well. I needed to mutilate something.

What is it that's bothering me? So many things. The car is just the icing on the cake. I can't even...ugh. I don't know how to put it into words. I can't have what I want, I don't want what I have... I hate people for getting what they want, and I want to be them when they get it. I have what other people want, and I don't want to have it anymore. See? None of it makes any sense whatsoever!

I need to go to sleep now, and see if my dreams can make sense of the mess in my head. I certainly can't do it while I'm awake, with all this over analyzing going on. AHHHHH...

"Save me, savings what I need. I just want to be by your side. Won't you save me? I don't want to be just drifting through the sea of life..."

So, alas alas. It's time to sleep. It's past the time I was supposed to regain my sanity. What's up with that? *whistles* Here sanity! Here girl! Wouldn't that be a fun name for a dog? Hahaha...

Later.

Me