So, not much has changed, really. I'm sick a lot, though... and missing BJ really takes a toll after awhile. I'm tired all the time. But I'll stop whining, I promise. Today at Caribou absolutely sucked. It was really busy, and I was having lung issues...(can I get new ones already?) And I kept having coughing attacks. I had a million things to do, would ask for help...and people would look away and pretend they didn't even hear me. That was SO aggrivating! My only ally ended up being the most unlikely person ever! I would be completely bogged down, and there would eb people leaning against the wall, arms crossed, scowling at me going "Corrie, do you have that cooler yet? Where's the vanilla breve? I need three vanilla coolers and an oreo snowdrift!" And I would just look at them and say "Sorry, I can only do five things at once." Screen FULL of drinks, me alone on DT BAR!!! and then people on a power trip (no names mentioned) are telling me to make whips, get ice, and empty coffee urns. I DON'T THINK SO!

Anyway, I couldn't get out of there soon enough. I felt like so many parts of me were about to explode. I'm so tired of people smoking in the drive-thru. I end up wheezing the rest of my shift and sounding like a freak. Hack, cough, wheeze. I really AM a sickly kind of person. That sucks! I love my co-workers, but too many of them have superiority complexes. Makes me want to tear my face off. I was so overwhelmed, so tired, so sad, and so sick. I got out of there as soon as I could, collapsed in the car and just cried.

Life is hard right now, and everywhere I look I'm blasted in the face with another complication. I was informed I'm over 3 months away from health benefits. I'm barely keeping up with 20 hrs/week to GET the benefits, and you have to have that straight for 3 months. So even though I feel sick enough to go to a doctor, I can't GO to a doctor. It hasn't killed me yet, and I can still function like a semi-normal person.

I really really miss BJ. I just want him to hold me and never leave. That would be wonderful. Curl up and watch a movie with me, I want to lay my head on his shoulder with his arms around me, while he literally whispers "sweet nothings" into my ear. I want to disappear into yesterday until it's time for tomorrow.

Highlight, I get to be home with my family, yes true. Jamie cracks me up. He's currently rehearsing something that can only be referred to as an undoubted hidden track gem on his debut album. It's entitled "The Two Faced Cheating Lying Lawn Gnome". It's hilarious! He recorded it, and played it back high speed.

Well, that's enough complaining for one day. Life is tough. Get over it, right? I found a little name game thing, and decided to partake. Enjoy! And partake of as well if you so choose!

CIAO!



1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (middle name and current street name)
Erin Sharon

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME:(grandmother on mom's side, your favorite candy)
Beverly Dove

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)
C-Kil

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Sheltie

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Erin St. Paul

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Kilergcod

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards)
Nire


8. PORN STAR NAME: (first pet, street you grew up on)
Snickers Ryan

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your mom has)
The Blue PT Cruiser

I laughed... it was funny!

You Are 32% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Things are pretty okay, although I really miss BJ. I saw a movie today that I had been wanting to see for quite awhile. "The Lake House". It was so good! Or maybe I just loved it because I'm a girl, I dunno. Had all the things I loved about "Frequency" and more. It was a great love story. I just get so gushy when a man tells a woman he wants to take care of her. I want to be taken care of!

I cried like a baby toward the end, but made sure to get rid of the tears before the lights went up. Love stories used to make me sad because I didn't have anyone, now they make me sad because I have someone, and he's so far away!

I can't wait to stop feeling like I'm going backwards. Forwards please! Happily ever after, please. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, Caribou is Caribou. Busy busy busy. Same old same old. My two favorite regulars, Pat and Janine... they've been coming through my drive-thru since I started there back in November of 04'. ANYWAY. They love me, I love them. Pat calls me "Miss Alabama". Last weekend, Pat and Janine were headed to the opening and dedication of a new public park, in Stillwater, MN called Teddy Bear Park. Pat's brother-in-law had donated all the funds for the completion of the park, so Pat and Janine had volunteered to hand out teddy bears all day at the big celebration. They were telling me about it before they headed over there, and I begged them to bring me a bear if they had any left, since I had to work all day. They said they would, but I didn't believe them. Well, they came through today, and Pat was like "Miss Alabama! I was hoping you were working today! I have a present for you, dear!" And I was expecting the bears to be like little cheap beanie babies or something, but instead it was a really nice full size teddy bear...very very soft, wearing a sweater that says "Teddy Bear Park, Stillwater" with a paw on it. I was the envy of all my co-workers. (all girls, of course) They all wanted a bear, but apparently I'm the only one who takes the time to flirt with old men and make splenda jokes...I get rewarded, my friends. Naw, they're my pals! And they love me.

Sometimes it feels like my customers are my only friends...sad, sniffle sniffle. I always feel appreciated when they ask for me by name. I love to be loved!

ANYWAY...that's all for now. More later!

ME!

That is a picture of Nicole, Kelly, Me and BJ. Nicole just sent it to me, it was taken last August. There has been a lot of miscommunications and what not, and it's all very unfortunate. Nicole and I both probably could have had a good friend when we needed one, if only...if only. Which is a good song! AND the name of a fan fiction I started...never finished, surprise, surprise. I used to pride myself on how original my fanfic beginnings were. They WERE good! But all I'm good at is beginnings. The rest takes work. Much like relationships. I'll get better. If I can, anyone can! (hint, hint)

So here's to new beginnings, and making them turn into good stories, with no end in sight. TADA! Love you.

ME!

Things are quite possibly looking up for me, for Kelly, for me AND Kelly, for me and other people. Anyway! If you haven't read Kelly's journal, you should. She has good news. The summary of said good news? She got an apartment...a very KELLY apartment, downtown WBL. I'm sure we shall post pictures of it someday in the not too distant future. It's very...right for Kelly. All the info behind how she/we found it and what not is all on her journal, which you can read via the link on the right. She's happy, which is splendid.

I also have good news. I might get a job at Lakeshore Players, the little community theater here in White Bear Lake. I auditioned there once for "Joseph.." I was so stinking nervous, I danced into the wall. I was so traumatized, I never went back! Kelly and I saw "Always, Patsy Cline" there. Lakeshore pretty much sells out every show, and they really do a good job. I used to usher there back in junior and senior high. I loved it, saw the shows for free!

Anyway, I think I get an interview today. If nothing else, she wants me to stop by with a resume, so we'll see what we see.

So, that's all I have to report for now. More later maybe. BYE!

I spent some good time with Nikki yesterday. We finally watched Nicholas Nickleby together. I had been wanting her to see it for years. She loved it. I knew she would.

In the midst of all the drama, I think I forgot to mention that Nikki DID in fact come visit, and it was great. Poor thing had to winess a lot of tears and struggles in just the few days she was there, but... she was so wonderful to have there. Endless thank yous go out to Carolyn, who was the entire reason why that visit was possible. I was so glad she was there. Making her laugh made me feel so much better, and I'm good at making her laugh. That's one thing I'm good at. The only other thing I'm really good at, is pretending to be someone else. Another reason why Nikki and I originally bonded. Distant Stare, Now and Forever. We were Angel and Becca. Don't know? Then you're just not special enough.

Anyway. It was great spending time with her. She's so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it. Here's a picture of her and BJ when we were dropping her off at the airport. Despite our differences and distances, Nikki and I will always be friends. I laugh more with her than with anyone, no matter what.



Anyway, it was good to see her yesterday. She just turned 21. We're both so "good" though, that that didn't mean a darn thing to her either. I always miss her.

So, the same thing just happened to Kelly that happened to me with Lynn. Found a woman to live with, and she changed her mind. At least Kelly didn't have months of "I can't wait for you to be the daughter I never had, I'm so excited to love you, I'm so excited to share my home with you. This is a God thing!" -- because that was just plain evil!

She's real down about it all, and things the walls are falling in around her. I know how that feels. I guess she also feels like lashing out. I'm well within reach, so go for it.

Leaving Alabama was a blessing to Kelly, leaving bad behind. I was leaving all my good behind, all my happy. Yes, I encountered a LOT of problems there as well, but BJ was there. Nothing good comes out of being without him. I don't think Kelly really understands that. I was just as happy to get out from underneath Benlee's watchful eye, but I actually had to leave something major behind. Kelly left a lot of material possessions. So did I.

She keeps reminding me about all the sacrifices she made for me, and all the things she paid for with her tax return and cell phone deposit money, because I was literally penniless. She won't let me forget. If I never had to borrow a cent from ANYONE, that's how I would prefer it. Kelly is an extremely generous person, and I've always appreciated the things she's done for me. She also wants to make sure I don't forget how generous she is, and how much she's done for me.

If I could give her all the money in the world, I would. If I could pay her back plus interest, I would. The key words here friends, are IF I COULD, because I can't. I owe everybody for everything, and for what? To be back in a place I thought I was done with forever?

Before I got back here, I thought I would automatically feel comforted by familiarity. The same streets, the same sounds, the same smells. The same people, the same places... same old same old. Instead it all just makes me sad. The same harsh words are thrown at me for staying in my room too long. Well, I don't feel welcome anywhere else, so where am I supposed to go? I want to be alone most of the time, and that makes me unforgivable.

I don't know what to do. I'm humiliated. I had thrown caution to the wind to set out on an adventure that met with one disaster after another. Nothing was destroyed though, except my ability to stay. I begged Kelly to move down there so we could get a place together, yes. If she wants to blame me for ruining her life...like she seems to be doing, that's fine. Alabama was a waste of her time, of her life. But not mine. Opelika was a waste of my time, of my life. The main reason I pushed Kelly to move, is I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to have to go through what I went through with BJ. I thought they would be able to have a normal dating life right off the bat. I didn't know they would be planning a trip down the aisle so soon. THat was Benlee, but...I still didn't expect it.

I wanted her to be with the man I thought would make her forever happy. Neither of us knew him, so I won't be blamed for pushing. Everyone pushed. Everyone shoved. Everyone crammed dreams into a little sardine can, and it expoded. We're all messy now.

I am completely humiliated. Crawling back with my tail between my legs, my head hung in shame, defeat, failure. I thought my life was finally taking off, and instead I get knocked down to my butt again, and all they can do is kick me when I'm down.

I'm not doing enough to repay Kelly for her unbelievable kindness and generosity. She's only asking me for a FRACTION of what I owe her, and all I do is crab crab crab. My parents are so kind and generous allowing me to stay here, when I don't belong. They are so kind to remind me that I shouldn't be here, that I should be out on my own. They don't want me here, but I'm their daughter, so they won't turn me away. I need to get back on my feet, they tell me. I'm 22 years old, they tell me. Thank you. I forgot.

Kelly feels like she's gone through so much more than I have. She's lost so much more. She's spent so much more. So much in fact, that I could never repay her. She's probably right. She could afford to get herself out of a mess she got herself into. I couldn't. I didn't have anyone to hold onto except her, and just kind of hang on for the ride. She zipped out of Alabama, and here I am. It's true we had nowhere else to go. WE had nowhere else to go, nothing to do but get out. Nothing for two. Somethings for one.

She was going to go to Connecticut. Would I still be a villain if she was in Connecticut? Would she still think I owed her the world if she already owned it? Her world was on the East coast. She was so happy when the opportunity presented itself again. She changed her mind. Is that my fault too?

I will owe her for the rest of my life for her getting me back to Minnesota. Does that mean I owe her for all this misery? I am so unhappy at times, that I can't breathe. Or is that my normal breathing problems? I can't tell the difference. I'm out of medicine. I'm out of sanity. I went backwards. I was supposed to be moving forwards, and I'm back here again. Back to then. Back to blah. Back to Caribou? That's not happy. Soon Kelly will be in charge of me there too. Will that make her happier?

I can never repay, I can never live up to what they want. Any of them. I have someone to love, someone to love me, and I still stare in the mirror, hearing my mothers words, hearing his father's words, and thinking that I will never be good enough for anyone. Where do I go from here?

I am a failure. I am a nothing. No, I'm not a nothing. I am somebody's someone. I am my everything's everything. I am in love, and loved. Which is right? Love is not enough, or love is all there is? I can't remember the good words, sometimes. Only the bad. Why does the mind work that way? You remember what you owe and to whom, but you can't remember why. You can remember who owes you and how much, but you can't remember why you had to help them in the first place. If you did remember, you would think there would be more understanding. More compassion.

I'll pay when I can. I have four dollars. Do you want it? I'll give it to you. You still have more than me. You have so much more than me. I'm not asking you for anything. You give with the assurance of recieving in return? I'll pay you back someday. Just don't remind me everyday that I have to.

I wish I always had the answers. I wish I never had to ask for help. Help isn't free, and it shouldn't be. When money is concerned, those who always need help with it, are the ones who owe the most. The ones who need it need to give it when they get it. It sucks! Jouvenile as it sounds, it sucks it sucks, it sucks.

Life's not fair. The sooner you accept that, the soone you can see the beauty in it. The beauty behind God's design. Appreciate the picture instead of the brush strokes. See everything, not selected selections.

Don't ask me, don't confront me. Take it for what it is, a journal. My journal. People ask me why I lay it all out on a public table. I don't really know. It's easier to keep up, it's sometimes fun to share. The personal things people learn about me along the way...I guess I always cling to the hope of mutual understanding. World peace! Yeah right. It just is what it is. Take it or leave it. I don't care either way.

I love you, BJ. 7 weeks and five days. I love you so much.

Hey all. Caribou is pretty good. It's weird after not being there for six months... but I fell back into it easily enough. It's certainly better to not have Elke there. A lot of the pressure has mysteriously disappeared. I don't know how that happened... hmm.

I'm trying to figure out the health coverage thing. I have less than 2 weeks left with my last inhaler, and no insurance. Most coverage from employment doesn't start until 3 months in, but since I'm a re-hire, Michael, the new manager is trying to find a way around that. I should be up to a full 40hrs in about a week. We'll see what happens.

ANYWAY. I have a lot on my mind, but nothing that I particularly want to write about. There are eyes I had never planned on who rest on this page from time to time. That doesn't really bother me, it just kinda... well, it's weird. It just is.

BJ is still coming in August, and so far the plan looks like his dad, Jack will be joining us. We have a whole amazing list of things that are going to be going on. Camping up at Split Rock, Valley Fair, the drive-in movies, The Mall Of America, water parks, boating, fishing, swimming in WBL... necessary things. And then there are just the typical Corrie and BJ activities. Making movie parodies, playing with the dogs, talking, cuddling, smoochin...*sigh* Can't wait!

So I thought I'd include a picture in here. I just found it down in my dad's old office, and I had forgotten about it. We got these pictures developed LAST YEAR... my dad had discovered four rolls of undeveloped film in my mom's dresser drawer, so he was curious, and turned them in. My brother is like 2 or 3 in this picture, and he was 16 when they were finally developed! It was like opening a time capsule when we got the pictures back. Some weren't THAT old, but most of them were. And since the whole Superman thing is coming up soon, that grand old "S" is everywhere, so here's my contribution. My baby brother... who is now a giant that towers over me. But not then! I now present to you...

SUPER JAMISON!



That is just too cute! I love it. ANYWAY. That's all for now. Maybe I'll feel like writing more later. Until then...

Au Revoir!

ME!

I start at Caribou on Saturday. Wee. Let's hope it's better than last time. Yup.

This entry really has no real point. Things are pretty much the same. My mom is on my back about everything, and I'm confused about everything. YAY! But not about BJ. I love him. NAF. ANYWAY! I was browsing my Dad's picture files on his computer, and found some old favorites...well, just old. NEW favorites, because I had never seen them before. So, I thought I would share. Some are from 2002, when I looked very different. Different hair, and braces. And yet, the only pictures I've ever seen of myself in which I really truly found myself the slightest bit attractive. Odd? Yes. There have been a few since then, but very seldom are these pictures. ANYWAY! On with the show.



This is me and the elusive Candace. The last time I saw my sister was later that year. This picture was taken on Thanksgiving, of 2002. The last time I really saw her was Christmas the same year.



This picture is of me and Sunnie, somewhere near Christmas I believe. 2002 again. Just so you know, our hair may match perfectly, but I got it done first. First!



Just the faces. Do we look like sisters? He he he.



This picture is HILARIOUS! My dad the hippie. Oh, gosh! It's so bad it's great. His eyes look so droopy! This was one of those pictures where someone tries to get your attention, and you look up, and the picture haunts you for the rest of your life. This was back in 02' again, when my dad had vowed that he would not cut his hair until he retired. It got longer than it is pictured here, and he began to believe that we were ashamed to be seen with him. That's possible... anyway, he cut it. But that's hilarious!



This picture makes me laugh! I don't remember it being taken AT ALL! It was our hiking trip up North (me and my dad), and I look so confused. I have no idea what I was looking at, but I totally look stupid. "Water? What's that?" Oh, gosh. HAHAHA!

Anyway! That's all for now I guess. I really had nothing all that important to say. Just wanted to share my discoveries. There are more, of course. But I'll save those for later. BYE!

You Are Jean Grey

Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after ). Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally! Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals

Which of the X-Men Are You?

I should never write in the wee hours of the morning. Morning always brings a little sunlight. I talked to BJ again around 2am. He had had his friend Nicole over.

We uncovered quite a few more fears. Most of them were mine. Why am I so scared of everything all the time? Because it feels like I'm going backwards, and before... I didn't have BJ. I didn't have the things I wanted. I'm scared that going backwards means losing things I didn't have before. I know that's crazy...

I was half asleep while I was talking to BJ. But I remember some of the crazy things I was saying. "Time used to bring me things. Bring me gifts. It would bring me promises of 'see you tonight', or 'see you tomorrow'...and now the only promise it brings is months away, and after that...there's nothing. There are little crystals of hope floating around in the air...things I want. But I ignore them. You try to grab onto them, and all they do is let you down. They never keep their word. You have to wait for them to become reality, and that takes forever. Sometimes it never happens."

So on and so on. I do have hope, and I do look forward to things. BJ starts school after he's here in August, so I'm just a little scared about that. He wants it, he needs it, I want it for him, and need it for him. But that probably means I won't see him for a year... between work and school, he can't go anywhere else.

People have done things like this for a hundred years, and a hundred years after me. Their husbands are in the military, or something like that. I just feel sometimes like I already did all that, and now it's time to be together. Most people got to date in person, and spend time together, and all that stuff. We did it backwards, so that's why it feels backwards now.

Ok, enough complaining. There are a lot of lessons to be learned here. I'm not gonna lose BJ. He's not gonna lose me. We won't let that happen. I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm glad he's stronger than me... I just wish it didn't seem so uneven at times. BJ is such a blessing, and the reason why this is all so hard, is just because I love him so much. I want to be with him. My heart hurts.

Anyway, in other news... my room is an easter egg, but I'm trying to make it my own. My mom turned it into a room fit for a 12 year old, with bunnies, and dolphins, and purple/lavender everything with a big lime green rug, and flowers everywhere. It IS pretty, it's just not what I would have picked. But it's going to be a guest room "when I'm gone"... whenever that will be. Everyone makes preparations for when I'm not around, that's so...great!

So I tried adding some of my personality up. RENT poster, pirate calendar, Garnier print, Brian Littrell, theater stuff, and lots of picture frames.

So that's all for now. I wish my head would shut up.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

I need help. What if I can't make it? I hear myself talk to him, and I can't believe some of the things I say. What if I don't have the control? It terrifies me when I think that I do. Is that really me? No, no. An imposter. I don't sound like that. Those aren't my thoughts.

It's too hard. It's been less than a week and I'm freaking out. How can I keep doing this to myself? Dreams come up, they get a yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no... then there's dark, and alone. All alone. I can't do this.

What's next? A year. One more year. One more year until forever starts. No, no. One more year until forever blinks. It will show you a glimpse and then shut off again. To and from, back and forth. Who goes where next time? Oh, we'll see. Because "it's meant to be!" Oh, yes.

Yesterday was there, it was good. Tomorrow is a year away. In between is this big black nothing. What do I do with that? It's miserable. Black is not my color, and it's definitely not slimming in this circumstance. It's fat and unforgiving. I don't want it, no no no. I want tomorrow. I crave tomorrow. I don't want to go without. I can't.

BJ had to hang up on me tonight. He always politely tries to excuse himself. I wouldn't let him go. Things were spewing out of my mouth like fire. I keep waiting for him to have a reaction. I want him to feel like I feel, but he won't. He doesn't. He's just fine. I'm a mess, but he's fine. I fall down, and he floats above me, waiting to pull me up again, and again, and again. Just once, I wish he were on the floor next to me.

That happened once. We both broke down. In some way, it made me happy. BJ and I were finally on the exact same page. Our tears mixed together, and we cried, and we shook, and I knew he felt the way I did. I just wish I always had that assurance. I don't though, and I feel crazy.

He tells me we can't always both be so down, and nobody likes being brought down. He's right. I'm the down one, again again again. That's me. Down so low I match the carpet. I patch it with my mass of blahness. We're the same, the floor and I. Flat and frequently walked on. Ugly and beaten. BLAH. We can't both be down, someone has to pull the other up. Why can't I be the one up? Oh, that's right. Because I'm me. Poor BJ. He has my pity.

I keep making the wrong choices. They have to be the wrong ones! Otherwise, I have an amazing talent for screwing up the right ones. It's soooo sad. The only thing right is BJ. It's interesting... I literally watch and listen to myself attempting to sabotage things. He doesn't let it happen, obviously... but I forced him to hang up on me tonight.

Everytime he said he had to go, I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I didn't want to be left alone. I said I was sorry, I didn't want to drag him down. I just wanted him to stay. I wanted him to say he loved me, I wanted him to imitate an elephant. I wanted him to hold my hand across the country. I wanted him to be with me. He tried, and I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. I told him if he wanted to leave, he would have to hang up on me. So he did.

I cried long, and I cried hard. I'm always so worried about losing him, and here I am pushing him out the door. Right when he said goodnight, the switch flipped, and I was me again. I said "BJ, wait..." But he had already gone. What did I do that for?

He'll call me in the morning, he says. I'm under attack. As if things aren't bad enough. I feel possessed. I say all the wrong things, and I know they're wrong while I'm saying them...and I can't make them stop. As they say in "Mean s", it's word vomit. It's horrible, yet recognizable...and I can't make it stop. I can't do anything right.

My mom is already back in her old routines. I'm wasting my life, my mind, my everything... I'm a failure. My mom is the only person I know who can make you believe that God invented oxygen for everyone but me... because all I do is waste it with my sloth-like behavior, doing nothing with my pathetic excuse for an existence. So what if I was a drama director at age 18? So what if I write plays and have them performed? Every accomplishment means nothing... nothing because it's nothing to her, because she doesn't care. She did nothing with her life, and yet she's happy. I've done so much while still so young, and that matters less than nothing. I almost forgot how terrible she makes me feel.

Whatever, I shouldn't write anymore. What do you care, right? Anonymous, anonymous. My friends are all anonymous. I'll meet you someday, oh you invisible few.

Dear Lord, please help me banish whatever it is that's attacking me. I can't wake up.

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself. No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

For a minute there, I really felt like writing a mini novel. But then, now that I'm here in front of the screen, it seems like everything I had planned to write is meaningless, or something of the sort. I really do have a lot to say, but I guess I don't feel like saying it. Honesty is one thing, but sometimes even honesty isn't worth it. What do you gain by being honest about something nobody but you cares about?

Anyway, I'm not making any sense. Surprise, suprise right? I feel like something bad is going to happen... or maybe it already did. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Being sick doesn't help.

Did I mention I'm allergic to my house? Whether it's Harvey, or something else. I'm fine when I'm out and about (which... is never) but the minute I get back in here, my airway closes, my eyes burn, my throat itches, my nose starts a runnin... it's really driving me crazy. I get exhausted and winded walking to the bathroom, because I literally have to take giant breaths just to get a sufficient amount of air into my lungs.

So anyway... aside from the obvious, those are my complaints. I miss BJ terribly. After having a year of a long distance relationship, and then getting to see each other regularly, this is just going back.

I'm scared, too. When Melanie and I were really close friends, it was amazing. She was the best friend I had ever had. Then I went to go see her in Connecticut, and it was even better. Then I went home. It was too hard to go back to how it used to be, so we didn't. We completely lost touch. We talk from time to time, but I still feel like I lost my best friend.

I don't want to believe that something like that could happen with BJ, but it's a fear nonetheless. I am afraid of losing him, but that's nothing new. His life is in Alabama, and he has a lot of distractions. Soon school will be starting. I knew I wouldn't be SEEING him much when I was still planning on living down there. But now I'll barely exist. Not intentionally, no no. He's going to be sooo busy, and it's going to be hard to force myself not to feel abandoned. I want him to succeed. It's just so hard to miss him, AND know that I won't even see him on Sundays. Clinging to late night minutes, before he falls asleep from exhaustion. That's my future.

Anyway, I guess I could go on and on and write about pointless things. I really don't feel well. Aside from being allergic to home, it's sugar week, and this time i feel like I have the flu. WE went to go see the new X-MEN movie, and I felt so disgusting. I thought the room was stifling, but no one else seemed to notice. I was boiling, and my stomach was wretching... it just wasn't good. You don't need to know anymore.

So that's all for now, kids. "I hope you feel better." Yep. Me too. ME too...

C'est moi!

Home now. If there is such a thing without BJ. Good to see my family, and Cairo the giant. But I miss my heart. I gave it to BJ. So if you're here in Minnesota, please come cheer me up. I'm sad. I feel like I failed yet again. What am I SUPPOSED to be doing? I'm supposed to be with BJ, that's the only thing I know for sure. Anyway...

I start at Caribou again at the beginning of June. I saw Tony when we stopped there this morning, and he says he's gonna throw a welcome home party at Mama's, so if you're interested (or curious) lemme know so I can give him a final number. I don't know when it is though, yet...

So that's all for now. More later.

ME

Well, we're halfway home. Mom got us a room for the night in Tuscola, Illinois. We barely made it. Thank goodness they have 24hr check-in. We didn't get here until 3:15 am. We had planned to be here no later than 11pm. What happened? Oh, the Neon broke. Broke in a way the mechanic who worked on it had never seen before. We were set back, but grateful we weren't on the interstate.

Me, being the total girl that I am, when we passed through Montgomery I just HAD to stop and say goodbye to BJ one more time. The tearful goodbyes had taken place earlier yesterday morning, but just...one more moment. Because of my needed moment, we were in Montgomery, and not on our way to Birmingham. When the car broke, we were only a couple blocks away from where we needed to be.

The mechanic fixed it and fixed us. It took 3 hours, but we eventually made it back to the interstate, and now here we are. Because of our late start, I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so scared of falling asleep. I pulled over a few times to do jumping jacks, or something stupid like that, but... it didn't work. The air outside was cold, so every time I felt sleep tugging on my eyes, I would roll down the windows as fast as I could and blast myself with cold air. That worked for a little while.

Anyway, I was so close to falling asleep, and I needed help. So I called BJ. He kept me awake for the last agonizing 24 miles. We FINALLY made it. And I'm still tired. 10 more hours to go. ARGH!

So, anyway. Laura, thank you for your comments! I'm looking forward to seeing you this summer, too! And seeing your little baby boy! That's exciting. About BJ transferring schools, Huntingdon has somewhat...odd curriculum. Most students who transfer out of there run the risk of losing almost 50% of their credits. But, he actually does plan on moving to Minnesota in about a year at the latest. At least that's what he's said.

His family of course says that would hurt them, destroy them, it's not fair...but I did it, right? My family felt the same way. His family wants me to eventually move down there again, but unless BJ and I are married, I think I have to stay a northerner.

Well, that's all for now. Time to hit the road again! Let's hope the road doesn't hit me back this time.

G'night! I mean morning... boy, it feels like it's time for bed. BYE!

ME!

Oh, one more thing. THANK GOD NO MORE OH-POOH-LIKA! Opelika is ancient history, never to be seen again!

Well, Minnesota became the only option. We leave Monday the 22nd, in 2 cars. Kelly actually got her old job back in Connecticut. She's real excited about that. I don't know where I'll end up as far as work goes, but it will probably be coffee related.

This is going to be so hard. I'm really scared, actually. Scared of BJ and I growing apart. Our lives have been combined since January, and we've treasured every moment. Now they have to go back to being separate. Distance is one of the hardest obstacles in any situation. So many barriers. I don't want to lose him.

BJ says he wants to move to Minnesota. We'll see if that happens. If he does, it won't be for at least a year. I can't say I haven't often considered the whole "It's his turn to make the sacrifice" thing. I'm not keeping tabs like he is. He thinks I do too much for him, but I don't see it that way. He's done SO MUCH for me! And I just feel so blessed to have him in the first place. We're not uneven. Neither does more for one than the other. That's just crazy talk.

My body hates me right now. Sadness makes you tired, and happiness gives you energy. The majority of me is so sad about leaving everything and everyone here, and yet part of me is excited to go home. My body can't decide which one to go with, so I just feel disgusting, and sick. Goofy depressed! A lot of the same old problems will be waiting for me at home when I get there, but I think being away has given me a new perspective on how to handle them. No matter how many problems I have with my mom, or how much I hate working coffee sometimes, home is home.

I was watching "Where The Heart Is" today, and Stockard Channing's character said something great. "Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall." And it's true. That's why I'm going there. Home is usually the first thing you think of, but the last thing you want to admit to wanting when you have nowhere else to go. I wish I could stay with BJ. I wish BJ could pack up his life and leave...but I wouldn't let him do that. He has one year of school left. One year. He loves it in Minnesota. He'll love to live there one day too. Not forever, but for awhile.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Keep Kelly and I in your prayers. Thanks to amazing help from 2 glorious friends (Steph and Carolyn) Kelly and I will be able to make it home. We're renting a second car, and driving separately/together. That means we'll each have to drive straight through without alternating with someone else, which MIGHT kill us. I'm terrified. Please keep us in your prayers.

I'll let you know how it all came out. Until then,

BYE

ME

We met Charlie Kendall today. He was the man who said he would help us at Frazer. Today he told us there's nothing he can do, because we're not working full time in Montgomery. Same cycle, right? You're probably tired of hearing me complain about it. But now it's become abundantly clear that we can't even afford to go back to Minnesota. Going back home is now only a fantasy instead of an option. We're REALLY stuck.

At first I dramatized it in my mind. "It's this or die.." But...now it's real. It's really real now. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with BJ. I want it so bad... but maybe that's the problem. I never get what I want.

After leaving Charlie's office in tears, I went to borrow BJ's house key so I could use his computer. Then I e-mailed Charlie, and the Frazer webmaster, whatever that does. For those of you who want to know, here's what I said:

Mister Kendall and others,

Mister Kendall, thank you for taking the time to meet with my sister and I today. I appreciate, though don't completely agree with everything you said.

As you know, my sister and I will no longer be living in Opelika come Sunday, May 21st. I realize you may think this situation is our own fault. We trusted the wrong person. Like you said, Mister Kendall...even the Bible illustrates how men can't even trust their own brothers. I have been lead astray by many paths of broken trusts. I have a huge problem with trusting people, Mister Kendall. Even you. I apologize.

We are in a dangerous situation, and have been trying to get out of it. We tried ourselves, but are completely isolated from everything and everyone we know. That's why I reached out to Frazer. What better place to go for help? One major goal of a church, in my understanding, has always been to show the love of God to those who may not have recognized and accepted it before. That is why I turned to all of you.

We can't stay where we are, and now the 2 week limit (which is now down to 12 days) has been set. We have nowhere to go. You originally said you would help us find a place to live, but then told me over a week later that Frazer has a committee, and the committee has rules, and one of them is that you must be working full time in order to recieve financial assistance. Then we found ourselves yet again in that maddening cycle. We NEED to get to Montgomery. We can't find a study job without a place to live, and we can't find a place to live without a study job. We have no friends. We have no family. We have no one else to turn to. So I all but begged a church with seemingly endless amounts of resources to help me out. You said you've done all you can do. I understand.

You reminded us again that there is a specific group of people who have been overlooked by the city of Montgomery. Those who work full time, and still cannot afford to live comfortably. Whether or not you intended to, you were insinuating that my sister and I were not working, or not trying to better our own situation. That is extremely far from the truth. I, like millions of others have led a very difficult life. I never ask for help until I run out of every single option. I am a proud person.

I'm 22 years old, and I was the head of a huge drama program at the age of 19. I am skilled. I am intelligent. This wasn't supposed to be me. I wasn't supposed to be begging other people for hand outs. When I was a junior in high school and my mom was dying, everyone I had ever known came out of the woodwork to help me. I became a mother to my siblings at 16 years old. I was my brother's legal guardian. People brought food, and gave money. We had nothing. The medical bills all but bled us dry. I know people help people. I've experienced that miracle. I've just never had to ask for it before.

Mister Kendall, I'm tired. Maybe I was never supposed to be here in the first place. I don't have wood work here. I have nothing. I don't have my friends, or my family... and none of them could help me anyway. I am in a foreign land, and I'm terrified.

I realize your church that I wanted so badly to be a permanent part of does not offer assistance to "people like me". But do they offer assistance to the homeless? As of the 21st, that's what I am. I can't keep knocking on doors. I'm exhausted. I feel like a failure. I'm the reason my sister moved here, and now I've trapped her, and made her life miserable. She's four years older than me, but because I got her into this, she expects me to get her out, and I've tried, tried, and failed. Now we're living a nightmare. I feel so guilty. If not me, can you please help HER? This is my fault. This is all my fault...

I have one final question. Are there any jobs within the church? I will do anything. I'll scrape gum off of tables, I'll file papers, I'll sing, I'll dance, I'll act, I'll direct, I'll shine shoes. If I work for Frazer, would they help me then? Trade one service for another?

I don't know what else to do. I'm out of ideas. Mister Kendall, it's gotten to the point where I wish I could give up and go home. But I can't afford to go home anymore. I haven't got the money to do it. I'm lost, and I'm trapped, and I'm scared... and I keep praying for a solution. I really honestly sincerely thought Frazer was it, that they could help.

You told us to go on Welfare. We don't live here, they can't help us. As of the 21st, we don't live anywhere. Not only that, but Welfare doesn't give you a place to live. So forgive me, but that is the most unrealistic solution I've heard yet.

If nothing else, please keep praying for us. I realize you hear a thousand pleas for help a day... but this is the only one I've ever really made.

Sincerely,
Corrien E. Killmer


Okay God. I'm about ready for that window you're gonna open. The door slammed shut.

Well, not good news time. I feel defeated. I don't know where to go from here. Allow me to explain:

I have loved my time here with BJ, his friends, and his family. I wanted to believe this is where I was supposed to be. Three weeks before I moved, the place I was supposed to stay fell through, so I moved in with his family instead. I tried and tried to find a job, and nothing happened. I was viewed as lazy by most of his family, and that's simply because they had no idea. Nothing was working.

Benlee came along and seemed to be a Godsend. Too bad he wasn't. I moved to Opelika so he could be with Kelly, and that ended up worse than bad. He's now given us 13 days to be out. If he intended to shock us, he failed. We had been planning on leaving for weeks. All he accomplished was eliminating the guilt we have have felt in leaving in the first place. He owns this apartment, so it's his. Plain and simple. We'll gladly leave. If only we had somewhere to go...

Originally Frazer sounded so promising as far as helping us out goes. They told me they'd find an apartment for us, pay the deposits and the first months rent. It seemed to be another Godsend! Wrong again? I think so. I got a phone call today saying that we don't exactly qualify for their charity. In order to recieve financial assistance from them, you need to be working full time. Which leads us to the unbearable cycle yet again.

YOU CAN'T FIND A JOB SOMEWHERE AN HOUR AWAY FROM YOUR CURRENT LOCATION, UNLESS YOU HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE! YOU CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO LIVE UNLESS YOU HAVE A NEARBY STUDY JOB! Yes, thanks for telling me AGAIN!

We are out of money, we are out of resources. We can't afford to drive to and from Montgomery to make money we would have to use on gas to get to and from Montgomery. And in less than 2 weeks, we won't have anywhere to go to and from...from. We have tried and tried and failed and failed in the job department.

Nothing has worked out since I got here. The only thing that's so amazingly wonderful, is being with BJ. We've grown so much, and discovered so much more about each other. We've made it through a lot. A LOT. Lots of obstacles. And now we're stronger, and better prepared to face what's next. So if nothing else, I may have been here just to be able to grow and learn along side him. Through our daily devotions and discussions, we've become pretty solid. Moving away from him will darn near kill me, but not completely. It's going to hurt. A LOT... but if that's what I have to do... we'll survive.

It comes down to this. Unless I have found a SOLID job, and a SOLID (not temporary) place to live within 2 weeks, I'm out. I'm moving, yes... but back up North. BJ and I can make it through the distance, we've done it before. We know we're supposed to be together, but maybe not in person, maybe not in Alabama.

In August, I would begin my never seeing BJ anyway. With work, and school, it's been a long time fear that I would only be a distraction. Maybe I was only here for the here and now, I don't know. I don't regret it, not in the slightest. It wasn't a long vacation, like Debra likes to call it. It was work. Hard work. If my time is done here for now, it will be made clear in less than 2 weeks time.

Kelly and I have things to discuss, I'm sure. We're already talking about how we could afford a U-Haul to get our lives back to MN. We have pretty definite jobs if we did go back, back to the Bou. Can't say that I exactly WANT to do that, but...hey. I'm a legend there, and I'm good at it. We'll see what we see.

That's the update for now. I'm sure some of you out there are made happy by this development, either you want me back in MN, or other may want me out of AL. HAHA! It doesn't matter. It's God's plan, not mine. I have to figure out what it is and follow it.

Over and out.

Me