I hate days like today. I hate how I feel. I get to a point where I find myself absolutely revolted by those around me to the point of physical illness. I literally get so disgusted that I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I feel so angry sometimes. Angry at the circumstances, angry at the past, angry at the future that seems to be beating me into the ground. I hate feeling like this!
I know I'm not completely mentally healthy. I have so many issues I haven't dealt with. Abandonment, humiliation, degradation, betrayal, agony, and pure and total fear. I feel like there's rage that's been long surpressed...and it's transformed into something worse. I don't even know what to call it.
My stomach is swirling with a whirl of emotions, and I don't even know which one to go with. I don't even like myself...so how can I blame others for keeping their distance? Who the heck have I turned into? How can I get back to who I want to be? How do I even figure out who that person is?
I depend on people who love me to help me figure that out, but I don't think they can.
I feel like a mess. I thought I had myself back on the right track. I thought I was where I needed to be. I thought I had things under control. Why is the urge to get in my car and drive in one straight direction and never come back so unbelievably strong? Just adopt a new identity and flee the country. Leave this all behind and start over.
I should take my own advice and "clean out the junk closet"... thank you, anonymous janitor. Your guidance extends well beyond the written page.
Time to go.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
"Missing Me" - RJ Helton
..........>>>>>>
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms
And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life
And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away
And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
..........>>>>>>
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms
And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life
And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away
And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Well...
Mom's cancer has grown and gotten worse, and we had kind of a crappy day. How do we cope? We go home and make videos. This video was MEANT to look real, but be completely fake. Jamison got a bit carried away, and towards the end? Very very real. Sunnie had to stop filming when Jamison realized I was calling out "You did it for real!"
So here you are. Enjoy my misery.
Mom's cancer has grown and gotten worse, and we had kind of a crappy day. How do we cope? We go home and make videos. This video was MEANT to look real, but be completely fake. Jamison got a bit carried away, and towards the end? Very very real. Sunnie had to stop filming when Jamison realized I was calling out "You did it for real!"
So here you are. Enjoy my misery.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
It has been quite awhile since I wrote last, and I wish I had the energy to write it all down. But I don't! My head is just a jumble of mixed emotions. Extreme highs and lows bouncing all over the place.
My mom is pretty sick. It's such a crazy roller coaster ride. She has her good days and her bad days. The cancer has spread and she's trying new treatments. It's such a trial for everyone.
Plan See is actually taking shape, and See Me Through is actually going to happen! How? Well, a friend of mine made it possible. RJ Helton, the guy who inspired the story with his brilliant music is now someone I am priviledged to call my friend.
I feel things slipping through my fingers though, and it's so exhausting to even think about writing it all down. There are a lot of things I miss, and wish I could change... but that's not up to me anymore. I miss BJ.
Hopefully I'll write more soon and elaborate a bit more. Until then...
Bye
My mom is pretty sick. It's such a crazy roller coaster ride. She has her good days and her bad days. The cancer has spread and she's trying new treatments. It's such a trial for everyone.
Plan See is actually taking shape, and See Me Through is actually going to happen! How? Well, a friend of mine made it possible. RJ Helton, the guy who inspired the story with his brilliant music is now someone I am priviledged to call my friend.
I feel things slipping through my fingers though, and it's so exhausting to even think about writing it all down. There are a lot of things I miss, and wish I could change... but that's not up to me anymore. I miss BJ.
Hopefully I'll write more soon and elaborate a bit more. Until then...
Bye
Friday, November 16, 2007
"Forgive"
This pain goes on
Deep inside my heart
Changing all that I knew
This feels so wrong
I'm tired of being angry
But tell me what do I do
I feel betrayed and completely over come
This is the hardest thing I've ever done
I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that Your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me
We're all afraid
Silenced by the fear
Of the mistakes that were made
I call I pray
Lord help me to remember
That everybody breaks
Fill me with your spirit and your words
Give me the heart to heal and not to hurt
I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me
This pain goes on
Deep inside my heart
Changing all that I knew
This feels so wrong
I'm tired of being angry
But tell me what do I do
I feel betrayed and completely over come
This is the hardest thing I've ever done
I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that Your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me
We're all afraid
Silenced by the fear
Of the mistakes that were made
I call I pray
Lord help me to remember
That everybody breaks
Fill me with your spirit and your words
Give me the heart to heal and not to hurt
I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Everyone in this world needs a Nikki. But you can't have this one. She's mine. When Andi wrote: "You’re not someone who should be ‘affecting other peoples lives’, because you have never done that in a positive way. Until you can figure out how to change yourself, your contact with others should be limited." It cut deep. For a brief, split second I believed him. Boy, was I wrong! HE was wrong. What wonderful people I have. There were the typical comments laced with colorful language from those certain few...but then there was Nikki.
WHY EVERYONE NEEDS A NIKKI:
He's so...he's so...he's so...ERG!!! I don't even know what to say to all the junk he said! I feel like, yes, he's on to something when he says to "let it go," but what he SHOULD mean by that is to forgive and be able to move on. Not just "let it go" as if it's that simple.
Multiple Personality Disorder = WHO IS HE TRYING TO KID??? Again, like I said in my text message...he must be mistaking you for HIMSELF.
I understand that straight-forward people are great, and that being frank and honest is an admirable quality. But I feel like he's NOT being those things...he's being cruel. He's taking every single comment five steps farther than they need to be just to make it sound more mean. Geez Louise.
And yeah...about the "positively affecting others" part...If he thinks what he says is true, then he NEVER KNEW YOU. You, the REAL you, the you who I know and love and still see in you, even if you're feeling lost. The you who changes over the years and grows, as you should, but always, at the heart of everything, keeps the same spirit. Corrien Killmer, I love you. You have affected ME far beyond positively. You taught me how to sing like no one's listening. You taught me how to think outside the box. You taught me how to dream. You taught me how to be a silly who-cares-what-they-think teenager. I learned, through you, that you're never too old to play on a playground, it only takes a video camera to become a rock star, that geeks are cooler than jocks anyways, and that the kids on my bus called me "mustache" because they were jealous they couldn't grow their own. You learned a language with me. *I LOVE YOU SIGN*. You pointed me down the path of light when I was about to walk down a dark valley. I don't know who I'd BE had it not been for you. Even WITHOUT every little moment we've shared in our lives, that ONE NIGHT could have been the night that saved my faith. I don't even want to know what I would be like without that night. You have drastically changed me for the better, in big ways and small, since I've known you. Corrie, I thank God for you.
Andi can think what he wants, ignore what he knows is true, and go on in his "let it go" world for as long as he wants. I pray God snatches him and brings him back to Him, because he's obviously far, far away. But you, my dear, will come out of this a better soul than he. You can heal, even if it takes quite a while. And I know, with time, you can even forgive. I almost pity Andi, because he seems to be incapable of all those things. Almost pity.
Andi can be wrong. Because I know the truth, and am telling you so that you know it, too. You are a wonderful person, Corrie Killmer, and you have wonderful gifts that bless the people you know. Never, ever, let Andi (or anyone else Satan seems to try and use against you) tell you otherwise. Satan can eat it. (Ooops...is it still sinful to be vulgar towards the devil himself? Heh...).
You, my dear...go listen to RJ Helton's "Forgive." ;) Praise God for who He is. And never forget who YOU are (even if it's hard to see right now). What does that good old quote say? A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart...and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words.
And I'm singing it loud and proud!!!! (Which, coincidentally, I learned from you. ;))
Love, always.
Nik
So that's all for now.
God Bless You All.
WHY EVERYONE NEEDS A NIKKI:
He's so...he's so...he's so...ERG!!! I don't even know what to say to all the junk he said! I feel like, yes, he's on to something when he says to "let it go," but what he SHOULD mean by that is to forgive and be able to move on. Not just "let it go" as if it's that simple.
Multiple Personality Disorder = WHO IS HE TRYING TO KID??? Again, like I said in my text message...he must be mistaking you for HIMSELF.
I understand that straight-forward people are great, and that being frank and honest is an admirable quality. But I feel like he's NOT being those things...he's being cruel. He's taking every single comment five steps farther than they need to be just to make it sound more mean. Geez Louise.
And yeah...about the "positively affecting others" part...If he thinks what he says is true, then he NEVER KNEW YOU. You, the REAL you, the you who I know and love and still see in you, even if you're feeling lost. The you who changes over the years and grows, as you should, but always, at the heart of everything, keeps the same spirit. Corrien Killmer, I love you. You have affected ME far beyond positively. You taught me how to sing like no one's listening. You taught me how to think outside the box. You taught me how to dream. You taught me how to be a silly who-cares-what-they-think teenager. I learned, through you, that you're never too old to play on a playground, it only takes a video camera to become a rock star, that geeks are cooler than jocks anyways, and that the kids on my bus called me "mustache" because they were jealous they couldn't grow their own. You learned a language with me. *I LOVE YOU SIGN*. You pointed me down the path of light when I was about to walk down a dark valley. I don't know who I'd BE had it not been for you. Even WITHOUT every little moment we've shared in our lives, that ONE NIGHT could have been the night that saved my faith. I don't even want to know what I would be like without that night. You have drastically changed me for the better, in big ways and small, since I've known you. Corrie, I thank God for you.
Andi can think what he wants, ignore what he knows is true, and go on in his "let it go" world for as long as he wants. I pray God snatches him and brings him back to Him, because he's obviously far, far away. But you, my dear, will come out of this a better soul than he. You can heal, even if it takes quite a while. And I know, with time, you can even forgive. I almost pity Andi, because he seems to be incapable of all those things. Almost pity.
Andi can be wrong. Because I know the truth, and am telling you so that you know it, too. You are a wonderful person, Corrie Killmer, and you have wonderful gifts that bless the people you know. Never, ever, let Andi (or anyone else Satan seems to try and use against you) tell you otherwise. Satan can eat it. (Ooops...is it still sinful to be vulgar towards the devil himself? Heh...).
You, my dear...go listen to RJ Helton's "Forgive." ;) Praise God for who He is. And never forget who YOU are (even if it's hard to see right now). What does that good old quote say? A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart...and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words.
And I'm singing it loud and proud!!!! (Which, coincidentally, I learned from you. ;))
Love, always.
Nik
So that's all for now.
God Bless You All.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
News, news, news...oh yeah! I'm single. The thing with that guy JOEY was his name, never really went anywhere. It was all kinda dumb. I feel really stupid about it, actually.
In other news, I am fully moved into the apartment. Now it's Kelly's turn to make a lot of messes. Unfortunately, she and Tim are no longer together. So she has a lot more time suddenly to attempt to make her half of the apartment look pretty. It's slow going, but still semi-productive. It will be lovely.
I'm going to Alabama with Kelly next weekend since she's not currently on her way there with Tim. We're still borrowing Andi's Denali, and I shall resist peeing in it.
Tim and Kelly are going to do the friends thing. I hope it works out better for her than it did with me and Andi. He's kind of a crappy friend. No, he just isn't a friend. I went from lover to nobody, and whatever, I guess that's fine. I miss people though...if I spend a grat deal of time with them, and then all of a sudden nothing...I miss them. I'm human. Just like I miss Amber, Jeremy and Ale. Oh well. They made their choices. I was kind of left out of those equations.
I'm so excited to see BJ in Alabama! So so so excited. It's been seven months! It will be very good to see him. He and his family are going through a really hard time. Not the same as what my family has gone through recently, but I can still relate to certain aspects. I can understand now how much he wanted to be with me during it all, because I feel the same way now. He's my best friend. I miss him.
So, I guess that's all for now. More later!
BYE!!
In other news, I am fully moved into the apartment. Now it's Kelly's turn to make a lot of messes. Unfortunately, she and Tim are no longer together. So she has a lot more time suddenly to attempt to make her half of the apartment look pretty. It's slow going, but still semi-productive. It will be lovely.
I'm going to Alabama with Kelly next weekend since she's not currently on her way there with Tim. We're still borrowing Andi's Denali, and I shall resist peeing in it.
Tim and Kelly are going to do the friends thing. I hope it works out better for her than it did with me and Andi. He's kind of a crappy friend. No, he just isn't a friend. I went from lover to nobody, and whatever, I guess that's fine. I miss people though...if I spend a grat deal of time with them, and then all of a sudden nothing...I miss them. I'm human. Just like I miss Amber, Jeremy and Ale. Oh well. They made their choices. I was kind of left out of those equations.
I'm so excited to see BJ in Alabama! So so so excited. It's been seven months! It will be very good to see him. He and his family are going through a really hard time. Not the same as what my family has gone through recently, but I can still relate to certain aspects. I can understand now how much he wanted to be with me during it all, because I feel the same way now. He's my best friend. I miss him.
So, I guess that's all for now. More later!
BYE!!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
FLC's Video Drama September
Look at this! This is the video I made with the aid of high school best theater buddies for First Lutheran. Yay! Enjoy :)
Monday, September 17, 2007
Well! I guess a lot has happened. I'll try to be as brief as possible. I'm in the process of moving out! I half moved today, I'll finish up tomorrow. I am so exhausted! I'm moving into Kelly's apartment! I get the bedroom. YES! Kelly set it up really nice. I'll take pictures and post them when all is put together.
In other news, I've started dating someone new. Kind of a long distance relationship again. I'm not exactly excited about THAT aspect of it, but overall I'm pretty excited. He's crazy about me, which is definitely a plus! I don't feel like I'm annoying him, which is how I always felt with Andi. Wasn't really planning on jumping into another relationship... but it has no choice but to be a slow moving one. He lives in Chicago. We'll see what happens! He gives me butterflies...
I forgot how much fun Caribou can be. It's more fun of course when Randy isn't around. He makes me want to tear my face off sometimes, I swear. There are so many things he does that just completely annoy me. GRR! Ah well. Your boss is SUPPOSED to annoy you, right?
So I guess that's all I have to say for now. We went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday! Kelly, Jamie and I went in "character" I will post those pictures as well. They're fantastic.
Until then--
Farewell friends!
In other news, I've started dating someone new. Kind of a long distance relationship again. I'm not exactly excited about THAT aspect of it, but overall I'm pretty excited. He's crazy about me, which is definitely a plus! I don't feel like I'm annoying him, which is how I always felt with Andi. Wasn't really planning on jumping into another relationship... but it has no choice but to be a slow moving one. He lives in Chicago. We'll see what happens! He gives me butterflies...
I forgot how much fun Caribou can be. It's more fun of course when Randy isn't around. He makes me want to tear my face off sometimes, I swear. There are so many things he does that just completely annoy me. GRR! Ah well. Your boss is SUPPOSED to annoy you, right?
So I guess that's all I have to say for now. We went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday! Kelly, Jamie and I went in "character" I will post those pictures as well. They're fantastic.
Until then--
Farewell friends!
Friday, September 07, 2007
Time for the recap of the VACATION! I'll tell you this much... it was so hard to come home! First things first!
I left on August 31st! My plane was a bit late, so my Aunt Rachel was waiting for me when I got there, pretending to be annoyed. It was so good to see her! We drove home to Tega Cay SC from Charlotte NC... she pointed out where she worked at Billy Graham and other cool landmarks along the way.
When we got to the house Uncle Scott was waiting there happily to greet me. He showed me his pet spider, Charlotte. Gross. It was a gigantic garden spider that lives on the side of his house. I took a picture.
After that, we chatted a bit before deciding where to go for dinner. We settled on "Fish Bone" which had AMAZING seafood! Uncle Scott took the liberty of selecting my meal for me. I had scallops and shrimp and a baked potato. DELICIOUS! So so good. The scallops were HUGE and melted in my mouth. After that we went to the video store and rented "Fracture"...then we picked up a couple necessities at the grocery store. The evening ended in front of their giant TV in their unbelievably comfy living room. Then I went to go sleep in Kyle's room! Very blue, very comfortable.
The next morning Rachel made unbelievably delicious orange cranberry white chocolate cream scones from SCRATCH! They were eyes roll back in your head good. Scott set out to go fishing with his best friend Gil, while Rachel and I hit to road to Clemson, where Zachary goes to school. What should have been a 2 hour drive turned into a much longer drive when we got stuck in traffic. A FedEx truck had somehow crashed and snapped itself in half over the concrete partition on the interstate. It was carrying a load of Dell computers. Too bad there were so many cops around, the computers were all over the ground! But, soon we made it to Clemson, and I got to see Zach! It had been too long. I missed him.
We drove around and Zach gave us a tour of the campus. We stopped at the Clemson track and walked around a bit. It was really awesome to see where he did his thang!
After the tour we went to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch, and then out for ice cream. After THAT we took Zach grocery shopping and annoyed the heck out of Rachel. The things that come out of Zachary's mouth! I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. My stomach hurt so badly afterwards!
After the goodbyes later that afternoon/evening, Rachel and I headed back to Tega Cay. We met up with Scott at the house, and watched some TV before and after we had some yummy fresh shrimp with pasta. A wonderful day! I managed to take some pictures of the deer that Uncle Scott feeds each night. I took pictures through the blinds on the back door. Wasn't easy, but I got some amazing shots! I had never seen deer so close up before. Then we watched Pirates of the Caribbean; Curse of the Black Pearl. BIG TV! Lots o' fun.
On Sunday we got up and went to church together. It was a good message about how to Glorify God in your work. Definitely not a bad one for me to hear! Even a coffee shop can be a Godly job if you make it one.
After that Scott and Rachel decided to take me to the mall. Without my knowledge they had planned to buy me a new outfit. Little did they know what they were getting themselves into! I am the worst shopper in the world. I drove them a little crazy BUT...they bought me three beautiful tops to wear. It was very very nice of them!
After that we went to a restaurant that I can't remember the name of...for Mexican food. I had "Mexican Stir Fry." It was delicious! Then we headed back to the house. Rachel and I went to the grocery store for a few more things after watching some Food Network. Then...we came back home. We ended up watching random TV shows and eating a yummy oreo dessert before Scott decided on putting on "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I started to fall asleep, so went up to bed after that.
On Monday we had a lazy morning with scones and the food network. It was so great to just...relax! No worries. Later that afternoon Scott ran some errands and Rachel took me to the Billy Graham library. It was more of a museum, really. It was a beautiful building.
It was really really interesting! I enjoyed it. It had a spiritual impact, and you just felt good being there. After the library we headed back to the house. Scott wasn't there yet, but Rachel started making an amazing meal of Salmon, red potatoes and shrimp skewers. Oh man! Yummy! Shortly after that, Rachel and I made homemade marshmallows! Yes, people DO that!
We watched the deer eat outside, and then settled in to watch the Clemson football game on ESPN. I tried really hard to understand it. I actually DID enjoy it. Uncle Scott gave me a foot rub...*grins* it relaxed me a little bit too much and I had to go up to bed.
The next morning, Tuesday, Rachel and I...no, scratch that. I WATCHED Rachel make more yummy scones, that I got to take home with me! I was coating marshmallows and packing them up to take those home with me too! SOOOO good. Scott and Rachel prayed over me before Rachel and I left for the airport. It was so sad for me to leave!
The time I spent there was amazing. We didn't do anything extravagant, but it was exactly what I needed. So many good conversations and good laughs. Everything from Rachel telling me she was "jiggy" to the serious stuff. It was so enjoyable. Scott makes me feel human and normal, which is really hard to feel sometimes. They told me I was a ray of sunshine.
I really miss them, even though we didn't see them that often when they lived here. I was so excited to go, and it was even better than I had hoped. They treated me like royalty. They were so open with me, and told me things about their lives growing up that I had never known before. I felt...important in a non-demanding way. My parents make me feel important in a financial and chore related way. It felt so good! And they kept telling me how much they loved having me there.
Anyway, so that was my vacation. I know no one cares about the general day to day except for me...but it was definitely something worth remembering...it may not seem like it, but it was an amazing trip. I was so grateful to them for having me.
I left on August 31st! My plane was a bit late, so my Aunt Rachel was waiting for me when I got there, pretending to be annoyed. It was so good to see her! We drove home to Tega Cay SC from Charlotte NC... she pointed out where she worked at Billy Graham and other cool landmarks along the way.
When we got to the house Uncle Scott was waiting there happily to greet me. He showed me his pet spider, Charlotte. Gross. It was a gigantic garden spider that lives on the side of his house. I took a picture.
After that, we chatted a bit before deciding where to go for dinner. We settled on "Fish Bone" which had AMAZING seafood! Uncle Scott took the liberty of selecting my meal for me. I had scallops and shrimp and a baked potato. DELICIOUS! So so good. The scallops were HUGE and melted in my mouth. After that we went to the video store and rented "Fracture"...then we picked up a couple necessities at the grocery store. The evening ended in front of their giant TV in their unbelievably comfy living room. Then I went to go sleep in Kyle's room! Very blue, very comfortable.
The next morning Rachel made unbelievably delicious orange cranberry white chocolate cream scones from SCRATCH! They were eyes roll back in your head good. Scott set out to go fishing with his best friend Gil, while Rachel and I hit to road to Clemson, where Zachary goes to school. What should have been a 2 hour drive turned into a much longer drive when we got stuck in traffic. A FedEx truck had somehow crashed and snapped itself in half over the concrete partition on the interstate. It was carrying a load of Dell computers. Too bad there were so many cops around, the computers were all over the ground! But, soon we made it to Clemson, and I got to see Zach! It had been too long. I missed him.
We drove around and Zach gave us a tour of the campus. We stopped at the Clemson track and walked around a bit. It was really awesome to see where he did his thang!
After the tour we went to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch, and then out for ice cream. After THAT we took Zach grocery shopping and annoyed the heck out of Rachel. The things that come out of Zachary's mouth! I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. My stomach hurt so badly afterwards!
After the goodbyes later that afternoon/evening, Rachel and I headed back to Tega Cay. We met up with Scott at the house, and watched some TV before and after we had some yummy fresh shrimp with pasta. A wonderful day! I managed to take some pictures of the deer that Uncle Scott feeds each night. I took pictures through the blinds on the back door. Wasn't easy, but I got some amazing shots! I had never seen deer so close up before. Then we watched Pirates of the Caribbean; Curse of the Black Pearl. BIG TV! Lots o' fun.
On Sunday we got up and went to church together. It was a good message about how to Glorify God in your work. Definitely not a bad one for me to hear! Even a coffee shop can be a Godly job if you make it one.
After that Scott and Rachel decided to take me to the mall. Without my knowledge they had planned to buy me a new outfit. Little did they know what they were getting themselves into! I am the worst shopper in the world. I drove them a little crazy BUT...they bought me three beautiful tops to wear. It was very very nice of them!
After that we went to a restaurant that I can't remember the name of...for Mexican food. I had "Mexican Stir Fry." It was delicious! Then we headed back to the house. Rachel and I went to the grocery store for a few more things after watching some Food Network. Then...we came back home. We ended up watching random TV shows and eating a yummy oreo dessert before Scott decided on putting on "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I started to fall asleep, so went up to bed after that.
On Monday we had a lazy morning with scones and the food network. It was so great to just...relax! No worries. Later that afternoon Scott ran some errands and Rachel took me to the Billy Graham library. It was more of a museum, really. It was a beautiful building.
It was really really interesting! I enjoyed it. It had a spiritual impact, and you just felt good being there. After the library we headed back to the house. Scott wasn't there yet, but Rachel started making an amazing meal of Salmon, red potatoes and shrimp skewers. Oh man! Yummy! Shortly after that, Rachel and I made homemade marshmallows! Yes, people DO that!
We watched the deer eat outside, and then settled in to watch the Clemson football game on ESPN. I tried really hard to understand it. I actually DID enjoy it. Uncle Scott gave me a foot rub...*grins* it relaxed me a little bit too much and I had to go up to bed.
The next morning, Tuesday, Rachel and I...no, scratch that. I WATCHED Rachel make more yummy scones, that I got to take home with me! I was coating marshmallows and packing them up to take those home with me too! SOOOO good. Scott and Rachel prayed over me before Rachel and I left for the airport. It was so sad for me to leave!
The time I spent there was amazing. We didn't do anything extravagant, but it was exactly what I needed. So many good conversations and good laughs. Everything from Rachel telling me she was "jiggy" to the serious stuff. It was so enjoyable. Scott makes me feel human and normal, which is really hard to feel sometimes. They told me I was a ray of sunshine.
I really miss them, even though we didn't see them that often when they lived here. I was so excited to go, and it was even better than I had hoped. They treated me like royalty. They were so open with me, and told me things about their lives growing up that I had never known before. I felt...important in a non-demanding way. My parents make me feel important in a financial and chore related way. It felt so good! And they kept telling me how much they loved having me there.
Anyway, so that was my vacation. I know no one cares about the general day to day except for me...but it was definitely something worth remembering...it may not seem like it, but it was an amazing trip. I was so grateful to them for having me.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Well, I started back at Caribou today. I was supposed to get there at 6am, fill out paperwork, and then sort of ease into the whole thing again, watch, observe, relearn... (it's really hard hopping back and forth with drink formulas being different between each chain) BUT!! Someone went home very early, and all of the sudden Randy pulls me aside and says "Yeah... I'm just going to go ahead and throw you on bar"
So that was that! Short shift, not too bad. Saw some regulars and made them very happy. I hope this isn't as permanent as it feels right now. I don't think I would like myself for very long if that continued to be the case!
So now I'm going to do a survey Kelly put up on myspace, because I'm bored. Sunnie's engagement party is tonight, and I don't have much to do beforehand...so... there!
1) Are you an Aunt/Uncle?
Yes. But I forget that sometimes! My technically oldest sister has two children, Tyler and Jenna.
2) Can you do a cartwheel
If you want do die laughing
3) What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
The Nanny Diaries
4) Do you eat vegetables regularly?
I do. I heart them.
5) If you were going to get a body piercing, where would you get it?
My elbow. It's all the rage these days.
6) Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Hopefully more now! I hang via telephone, does that count?
7) What is the weather like right at this very moment?
Blah
8) What is something that you can't wait for?
To fall in love with the real deal
9) How many times have you been to Canada?
It's such a blur. Was that Canada?
10) Have you ever had a reptile as a pet?
Just a fake beanie one. I don't think that counts.
11) What is your favorite fruit?
I enjoy mangoes.
12) What song is on your MySpace profile right now?
"I Hear You Calling" by GOB
13) Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
BJ, calling to see how the first day at the Bou went
14) Where are you most ticklish?
My neck. Get away from me.
15) How many hours a week do you normally work?
Forty
16) Who's your number 1 on your top friend list?
My Smelly.
17) Do you have deep dark secrets?
I do, actually. Things absolutely nobody knows. A lady has to keep some mystery!
18) When was the last time you were sick?
Last time I had to take some disagreeable medicine... but after that life circumstances made me just altogether ill.
19) What color is your car?
White.
20) How many siblings do you have?
Four.
21) Have you ever gotten caught sneaking out?
Ha! No. I was punished for staying in!
22) Did you ever try running away from home when you were younger?
No, I just got kicked out a lot.
23) What makes you the happiest?
Well, I can't rely on people to make me happy. So... good conversations and gut busting laughter...both involve people...but not entirely dependant upon them. Whatever! YOu can have a great conversation with yourself!
25) Where do you want to be right now?
On a cruise
26) Have you ever finished a Rubik's Cube?
No. People kept taking them away from me whenever I tried!
27) When is the last time you drank too much?
The day after never.
28) When was the last time you rode a bike?
My brother has stolen mine again...but I rode it all around the day I rescued it!
29) Do you have any vacation plans for this summer?
I go to the SC in three days. Holla!
30) Where were you 1 hour ago?
Asleep...on my bed.
31) Who will be your next kiss?
Cairo
32) Do you kiss a lot of people?
People? Mmm...not so much.
33) Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope!
34) When was the last time you went out of state?
Chicago for the Arts conference!
36) What was the last thing you had to drink?
Archer Farms Wildberry Water
37) What are you wearing right now?
Pink flowered pajama pants, and my MHS one act fest T-shirt. MY SPOON IS TOO BIG!
38) What was your last purchase?
Supplies for Sunnie's guacamole!
39) Last thing you ate?
E.L. Fudge cookie. Bad, Corrie BAD!
40) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Work shirts.
41) Are you a sexual predator:
Why yes I am.
42) What is in the backseat of your car:
Absolutely NOTHING! That's because I have fold down seats, so everything ends up in the trunk to give the illusion of cleanliness. Much like a closet, or under the bed, etc...
43. Three words to explain why you last threw up:
One Giant Mistake
44. What is the equation for the Pythagorean theorem?
A squared plus B squared equals C squared
45. What was the last movie you watched?
Peal Harbor
46. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls?
Nah, I think every girl should strive to be deformed.
47. What kind of car does your mother drive?
A Cruiser of the PT sort, in the shade of black.
48. Do you like scrabble?
Not since the german teacher who was forced to teach french made us play it every day IN french to avoid actually teaching us anything. My bonjour is a triple word score!
49. Where did/do you attend high school:
IN the lake where the white bear died. Seriously! That's the legend. It's a little more detailed than that. And I didn't actually go to school IN the water. Just the city that's named for it. White Bear Lake, in case you didn't know.
50. Favorite scent:
Christmas! I guess that's a pine scent. I adore it.
51. Do you like mornings:
Not at 3:45 am! But other than that, yeah..we coo
52. Last television program you watched?
Oprah on TiVo.
53. Spell your name without any vowels:
Crr Ha! That's like Grr but with a "c"
54. Does your neighbor have an animal that annoys you?
Yes! ON both sides! Darn yippers.
55. Does your family own any boats:
Father has one. It moves every other year. I hear it floats.
56. Things you can't live without?
My pals, my fam, my furry friends, movies, writing...
57. Do you wear flip flops constantly:?
When I'm not required to wear something else! Or when it's not cold outside. I wear my Sanuks! They're magic, so just back off about how ugly they are already! Geez!
58. What do you think of Adam Brody?
He COULD have been my friend, but he blew that chance by going to film some show called "The OC" instead of keeping his engagement to promote Grind at TMOA...
59. Do you have air conditioning in your room?
Yes...but sometimes I genuinely doubt its existence.
61. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
It American Sign Language. We were all wearing ear plugs. Didn't work out so well for us. We were confused.
62. How often do you read books?
Never. I used to! I plan on changing that.
63. Do you like James Blunt?
Am I in trouble? Who is James Blunt?
65. Describe the computer you are currently using :
It was a gift from my sistah...which is funny, because she hates PCs. But they're cheap, what can I say? I enjoy it though. When it works :) It's an hp pavilion.
66. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
When I go out...does that mean with other people? Cuz that doesn't happen very often. I went out yesterday and it took me an hour to get ready. Not for normal reasons, but because I shut the bathroom door before I had pulled my foot through...took part of my ankle skin off, and it insisted on bleeding...a lot! That was annoying.
67. Will you donate your organs after you pass:
I should...but I forgot to check that box...
68. Have you been outside of the USA?:
Cruise to the BAHAMAS baby!
69. Would you ever get your nipple pierced?:
My nipples have enough problems on their own. Owie!
70. If you could pick one person to be with forever who would it be?
Jude Law... wait, does it have to be someone I know personally? Gawrsh...
So that was that! Short shift, not too bad. Saw some regulars and made them very happy. I hope this isn't as permanent as it feels right now. I don't think I would like myself for very long if that continued to be the case!
So now I'm going to do a survey Kelly put up on myspace, because I'm bored. Sunnie's engagement party is tonight, and I don't have much to do beforehand...so... there!
1) Are you an Aunt/Uncle?
Yes. But I forget that sometimes! My technically oldest sister has two children, Tyler and Jenna.
2) Can you do a cartwheel
If you want do die laughing
3) What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
The Nanny Diaries
4) Do you eat vegetables regularly?
I do. I heart them.
5) If you were going to get a body piercing, where would you get it?
My elbow. It's all the rage these days.
6) Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Hopefully more now! I hang via telephone, does that count?
7) What is the weather like right at this very moment?
Blah
8) What is something that you can't wait for?
To fall in love with the real deal
9) How many times have you been to Canada?
It's such a blur. Was that Canada?
10) Have you ever had a reptile as a pet?
Just a fake beanie one. I don't think that counts.
11) What is your favorite fruit?
I enjoy mangoes.
12) What song is on your MySpace profile right now?
"I Hear You Calling" by GOB
13) Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
BJ, calling to see how the first day at the Bou went
14) Where are you most ticklish?
My neck. Get away from me.
15) How many hours a week do you normally work?
Forty
16) Who's your number 1 on your top friend list?
My Smelly.
17) Do you have deep dark secrets?
I do, actually. Things absolutely nobody knows. A lady has to keep some mystery!
18) When was the last time you were sick?
Last time I had to take some disagreeable medicine... but after that life circumstances made me just altogether ill.
19) What color is your car?
White.
20) How many siblings do you have?
Four.
21) Have you ever gotten caught sneaking out?
Ha! No. I was punished for staying in!
22) Did you ever try running away from home when you were younger?
No, I just got kicked out a lot.
23) What makes you the happiest?
Well, I can't rely on people to make me happy. So... good conversations and gut busting laughter...both involve people...but not entirely dependant upon them. Whatever! YOu can have a great conversation with yourself!
25) Where do you want to be right now?
On a cruise
26) Have you ever finished a Rubik's Cube?
No. People kept taking them away from me whenever I tried!
27) When is the last time you drank too much?
The day after never.
28) When was the last time you rode a bike?
My brother has stolen mine again...but I rode it all around the day I rescued it!
29) Do you have any vacation plans for this summer?
I go to the SC in three days. Holla!
30) Where were you 1 hour ago?
Asleep...on my bed.
31) Who will be your next kiss?
Cairo
32) Do you kiss a lot of people?
People? Mmm...not so much.
33) Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope!
34) When was the last time you went out of state?
Chicago for the Arts conference!
36) What was the last thing you had to drink?
Archer Farms Wildberry Water
37) What are you wearing right now?
Pink flowered pajama pants, and my MHS one act fest T-shirt. MY SPOON IS TOO BIG!
38) What was your last purchase?
Supplies for Sunnie's guacamole!
39) Last thing you ate?
E.L. Fudge cookie. Bad, Corrie BAD!
40) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Work shirts.
41) Are you a sexual predator:
Why yes I am.
42) What is in the backseat of your car:
Absolutely NOTHING! That's because I have fold down seats, so everything ends up in the trunk to give the illusion of cleanliness. Much like a closet, or under the bed, etc...
43. Three words to explain why you last threw up:
One Giant Mistake
44. What is the equation for the Pythagorean theorem?
A squared plus B squared equals C squared
45. What was the last movie you watched?
Peal Harbor
46. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls?
Nah, I think every girl should strive to be deformed.
47. What kind of car does your mother drive?
A Cruiser of the PT sort, in the shade of black.
48. Do you like scrabble?
Not since the german teacher who was forced to teach french made us play it every day IN french to avoid actually teaching us anything. My bonjour is a triple word score!
49. Where did/do you attend high school:
IN the lake where the white bear died. Seriously! That's the legend. It's a little more detailed than that. And I didn't actually go to school IN the water. Just the city that's named for it. White Bear Lake, in case you didn't know.
50. Favorite scent:
Christmas! I guess that's a pine scent. I adore it.
51. Do you like mornings:
Not at 3:45 am! But other than that, yeah..we coo
52. Last television program you watched?
Oprah on TiVo.
53. Spell your name without any vowels:
Crr Ha! That's like Grr but with a "c"
54. Does your neighbor have an animal that annoys you?
Yes! ON both sides! Darn yippers.
55. Does your family own any boats:
Father has one. It moves every other year. I hear it floats.
56. Things you can't live without?
My pals, my fam, my furry friends, movies, writing...
57. Do you wear flip flops constantly:?
When I'm not required to wear something else! Or when it's not cold outside. I wear my Sanuks! They're magic, so just back off about how ugly they are already! Geez!
58. What do you think of Adam Brody?
He COULD have been my friend, but he blew that chance by going to film some show called "The OC" instead of keeping his engagement to promote Grind at TMOA...
59. Do you have air conditioning in your room?
Yes...but sometimes I genuinely doubt its existence.
61. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
It American Sign Language. We were all wearing ear plugs. Didn't work out so well for us. We were confused.
62. How often do you read books?
Never. I used to! I plan on changing that.
63. Do you like James Blunt?
Am I in trouble? Who is James Blunt?
65. Describe the computer you are currently using :
It was a gift from my sistah...which is funny, because she hates PCs. But they're cheap, what can I say? I enjoy it though. When it works :) It's an hp pavilion.
66. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
When I go out...does that mean with other people? Cuz that doesn't happen very often. I went out yesterday and it took me an hour to get ready. Not for normal reasons, but because I shut the bathroom door before I had pulled my foot through...took part of my ankle skin off, and it insisted on bleeding...a lot! That was annoying.
67. Will you donate your organs after you pass:
I should...but I forgot to check that box...
68. Have you been outside of the USA?:
Cruise to the BAHAMAS baby!
69. Would you ever get your nipple pierced?:
My nipples have enough problems on their own. Owie!
70. If you could pick one person to be with forever who would it be?
Jude Law... wait, does it have to be someone I know personally? Gawrsh...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
A BELOVED FAVORITE...
Weep you no more sad fountains
What need you flow so fast?
Look how the snowy mountains
Heaven's sun doth gently waste.
But my sun's heavenly eyes
View not your weeping,
That now lies sleeping
Softly, softly, now softly
Softly lies sleeping
Sleep is a reconciling
A rest that peace begets.
Doth not the sun rise smiling
When fair at ev'n he sets?
Rest you then, rest, sad eyes,
Melt not in weeping,
While she lies sleeping
Softly, softly, now softly
Softly lies sleeping.
-Anonymous
Weep you no more sad fountains
What need you flow so fast?
Look how the snowy mountains
Heaven's sun doth gently waste.
But my sun's heavenly eyes
View not your weeping,
That now lies sleeping
Softly, softly, now softly
Softly lies sleeping
Sleep is a reconciling
A rest that peace begets.
Doth not the sun rise smiling
When fair at ev'n he sets?
Rest you then, rest, sad eyes,
Melt not in weeping,
While she lies sleeping
Softly, softly, now softly
Softly lies sleeping.
-Anonymous
Saturday, August 25, 2007
How could I FORGET?!?!?!
Brad and I had been batting back e-mails for awhile, concerning the possibility of doing something fantastic combining music and drama near Christmas. AKA... A Christmas MUSICAL perhaps?!?!?!? Saweet!
So, he told me he had been looking online for possible musicals to perform. I dashed the idea a bit saying 'why not just write our OWN script...while setting it to both contemporary and classic Christmas songs? It's always cool to use music the audience is familiar with, but have it actually apply to a character."
Then I told him about See Me Through and continued to boost my idea. About twenty minutes later, I recieved this e-mail:
Exciting News!
We are planning on doing a Christmas Musical this year on a Sunday morning in December. The exact date has not yet been set - but we have been given the go-ahead. Along with our drama team headed up by Corrie Killmer - we will be writing and producing our own drama/musical using contemporary worship/Christmas songs as well as traditional ones being performed by members of our own Edge worship band.
There will be a number of solos as well as choral arrangements. Anyone seeking to do a solo will need to audition. EVERYONE is encouraged to participate.
Please pray for direction as we begin to prepare for this opportunity to reach our community with the great news of Jesus' birth.
Grace & Peace, Brad
AHHHHH! He used my idea! OH MY WORD! I'M WRITING A CHRISTMAS MUSICAL!!!!
That was just to the worship team, but we'll be posting both acting and singing auditions for the entire church! I'll have to stand my ground about the combining a good vocalist with good acting for solos. Because I don't want a random character to come out and sing a title song that doesn't apply to them unless it FITS the story. We all know how that bothers both Kelly and myself.
So there! Dreams are coming true my friends! Make way, make way! *HAPPY DANCE*
WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Brad and I had been batting back e-mails for awhile, concerning the possibility of doing something fantastic combining music and drama near Christmas. AKA... A Christmas MUSICAL perhaps?!?!?!? Saweet!
So, he told me he had been looking online for possible musicals to perform. I dashed the idea a bit saying 'why not just write our OWN script...while setting it to both contemporary and classic Christmas songs? It's always cool to use music the audience is familiar with, but have it actually apply to a character."
Then I told him about See Me Through and continued to boost my idea. About twenty minutes later, I recieved this e-mail:
Exciting News!
We are planning on doing a Christmas Musical this year on a Sunday morning in December. The exact date has not yet been set - but we have been given the go-ahead. Along with our drama team headed up by Corrie Killmer - we will be writing and producing our own drama/musical using contemporary worship/Christmas songs as well as traditional ones being performed by members of our own Edge worship band.
There will be a number of solos as well as choral arrangements. Anyone seeking to do a solo will need to audition. EVERYONE is encouraged to participate.
Please pray for direction as we begin to prepare for this opportunity to reach our community with the great news of Jesus' birth.
Grace & Peace, Brad
AHHHHH! He used my idea! OH MY WORD! I'M WRITING A CHRISTMAS MUSICAL!!!!
That was just to the worship team, but we'll be posting both acting and singing auditions for the entire church! I'll have to stand my ground about the combining a good vocalist with good acting for solos. Because I don't want a random character to come out and sing a title song that doesn't apply to them unless it FITS the story. We all know how that bothers both Kelly and myself.
So there! Dreams are coming true my friends! Make way, make way! *HAPPY DANCE*
WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Here it comes. The admission of the truth. I'm no longer at Dunn Bros. Where am I, you ask? CARIBOU! I must be crazy. I didn't think it would go this far. What do I mean? Well... the shortest version possible...
Whether it's all true or not is beyond me. I was up to my neck in teenage drama. Andi sought Ale out after he broke up with me, and all hell broke loose. Andi already had Jeremy...and Jeremy decided that after walking off his shift three hours early and being reprimanded by me for it...that he wanted nothing to do with me. What did he say to me? Oh yes. That I was just being mean to him because he was friends with Andi. NOT because he had abandoned his job without manager permission.
I was already tired of it. That's when Ale admitted to me that she and Andi had been conversing on a regular basis since the break up. WHAT?!?!?! What reason was there?? They weren't friends before! But apparently she had contacted him about a weekly BBQ...whatever. And then he felt he needed to set her straight on what REALLY happened between he and I. (This is what Ale told me...) He told her that I was never really in the relationship... that it was just another part I played because I'm an actress, and I was using him for comfort and stability in a hard time.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I don't know what else to say! Are you freaking kidding me? I was head over heels for the first Andi. But then there was second Andi, and third Andi. If I was guilty of any acting, it was acting happy waiting for the first Andi to return. Sometimes I miss the person he was so badly, it's hard to breathe. By the end of the relationship, he was a complete stranger. One that I truly resented.
I was so appaled that he and Ale had been talking, that I didn't know how to handle it. Suddenly my personal life was the subject of hushed whispers and awkward glances throughout the work place. I smoothed things over with Jeremy. He apologized for his remarks saying that he had had a bad day, and was taking it out on me.
Ale was offended, because she felt that I didn't put forth enough effort in my friendship with HER as I did with Jeremy. She and Andi had been feeding lies to each other about me for too long, so she felt completely honorable in her accusations. She continued to harass me for three days via text message.
I sent Amber a message telling her what Ale was doing. The next day, Ale continued her written abuse and accusations, absolutely furious that I had told Amber about any of it, saying that it was a personal problem. Well...it was being brought into the work place, so it was more than personal! But... how did Ale find out I told Amber? Because Amber blabbed everything at work...and it got back to Ale. If I couldn't go to Amber in confidence, who could I go to? I was heartbroken and confused.
After hours of trying to figure everything and EVERYONE out, I wrote to HR. I told them I took full responsibility for letting two employees too close to my personal life during times of personal crisis. Their answer to my problem was to accept my e-mail and plea for help as my immediate voluntary resignation. Amber and the Hugo store were left high and dry and I was left without a job. NOT the way I planned it at all! But if my boss couldn't help me and just made it worse, who was I supposed to talk to?
So, Amber was told I quit on the spot and she was furious. I can't blame her. I never would have done that to her had I had the choice. Although...I'm very glad all of this is over. I'll miss the store and the people, but certainly not the drama and the attitudes.
*sigh* So I'm back at the bou. I told Jody briefly what happened, and in a matter of hours I had a job. I wasn't asking her to find me one...but I couldn't turn it down either. I really don't want to go back there, but I don't have a choice at the moment. I need money!!
So Andi gets Dunn Bros and the employees... I didn't get much in the settlement agreement. Hahaha! I didn't even get to keep what I came with! Although... there were a few personal items that he never got his paws on. Caroline, Nikki, Jess, and Sarah. Four of the best people in the entire world...and they're the people on the planet who know me the best... and know that all of this was a bunch of bologna. It REALLY is sad that someone who claimed to know me so well would rather tell and believe lies than to actually embrace the person they knew and claimed to cherish. (BY someone I mean Andi...) But I'm not in the habit of begging people to accept or befriend me. That's just ridiculous.
"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me!"
So here I am! Those who love me love me, those who hate me hate me...but I'm the same person to both. As dad told me SO many times...not everyone in this world is going to like you. SOme people are just flat out going to hate you...and they don't have to have a reason. YOu'll just have to accept that." Bitter bitter pill to swallow, but a necessary one for my overall wellness.
SO... I leave in six days. Woot woot!!! I can't WAIT! Then I come back and go to the ren fest. At least I hope so! I have a COSTUME! Laugh all you want, I care not!
I'm gonna go now. Have a fantastic day! I know I will! Have to go buy Bou clothes...argh.
Later!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Something big is about to change. There's too much going on, and I'm cutting it down before it ruins me. That's all I'm going to say for now, because pretty soon it could get spun around to be something it isn't. But I'm DONE!
In other news, I took a relationship personality quiz, and it's right on! It's a color code. Look at this!
Congratulations, Corrien, you are a BLUE personality. The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.
BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.
BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).
Crazy, huh? I know. Well, that's all for now I guess. I could go on and on about what's been going on and on, but some people just aren't worth it. That's why I'm getting rid of it all.
So...goodbye for now!
-ME
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Today is darker than it was yesterday, and yet the sun is shining brighter. It's having too much time to think and analyze what is, isn't, could be, won't be, shouldn't be, shouldn't have, might have been. I'm dizzy now.
A day off from work used to be a good thing. But that was when I knew how to make the world stop spinning. I would find things that made me happy and exist completely inside of them if only for a day. It was like my own personal magic trick. I could disappear and reappear within the random poetry of a day well spent. My ability to do that has seemed to vanish, replaced instead with a constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind. At times this feeling adopts the sound of a clock. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. What now, Corrie? What now? It's questions repeat ruthlessly. What now, Corrie? What now? Tick tock, tick tock. The possibilities are no longer endless. They have a schedule, just like everything else. What now, Corrie? What now?
I changed my hair again. No doubt another effort in changing me again. I don't think it worked. I've spent a great deal of time looking at my reflection in the mirror today, for some reason expecting to see a different face. I still look the same. I still feel the same. I still am the same. Tick...tick. What now?
My hair is not nearly as dramatic as I make it sound. I'm glad to have tried something different. There's something else clawing at my mind. Maybe it's just the tick tock clock, maybe it's something more. I'm not sure.
I've been analyzing my decisions that have taken place in the last year. Some were good, some not so good. I fantasize about doing something drastic. Finding a nanny job in some obscure location...with the promise of being treated as part of the family and brought along on glorious family vacations all around the globe. This is what I want pretty much every other day. Just to drop everything and start to live! Life Extraordinary!
I've fooled myself into believing I've accomplished things I haven't. Love? I don't know if I've ever found it. BJ was the first everything to me, so of course it would feel intense. But love? How do I know the difference? To have had nothing, and then a devoted relationship, and then tragedy...and then Andi. I didn't love Andi, not even close. But I loved being wanted around by someone who lived in the same state. I was COMPLETELY in love with that aspect of the relationship, as fleeting as it may have been. But I don't think I even know what love is. Romantic love, I mean. I know what it is to love a friend, a sister, a brother, a father, a mother. I know and cherish that love. But have I ever been IN love? I have no idea.
I scare myself sometimes with the sudden intense desperate need to figure that out. At first I thought it was a desperate need for love itself, but I think really that it's the need for discovery. I've existed in tragedy and drama for a very, very long time. Things happen in our family that other families cannot even imagine. It's come from the outside, people telling us in awe and disbelief... "Wow. With your family, when it rains it pours." And it's not too often that the storms subside for too long. Things just keep...happening. I amaze myself sometimes when I laugh. How can I laugh? How could anyone under the circumstances? How could anyone do silly dances and say silly things and poke people and tickle them and make them laugh with you too? Is that my gift? My mission? Do I exist in this family of tragedy to lighten the emotional burden? That's too bad... because I don't feel like I'm very good at it. But I do love to see them laugh. To smile. Is this why my fantasies of leaving seem so impossible? What do others depend on me for? What is my function?
I know pretty much every single person on the face of the planet asks that question of themselves on a regular basis. What is my purpose in life? What is God's plan for me? Why do the answers seem so hard to find? I long and ache for discovery. Discovery of so many things.
I fantasize about my trip to South Carolina. I fantasize about falling in love with a new place and not returning to the old one. Shedding the skin of tragedy and burden and starting over, fresh and new. Feeling the weight lift off my shoulders once and for all. Fill my scope with different sights and faces, each and every one of them unknowing of the life I've left behind. No more shadows of mistakes, just the light of new possibility. But then I think about my job, and my family, and float down from my cloud. How could I do that to them? How could I hurt them like that? And life gets heavier again. Back to earth.
Parts of my relationship with BJ were mistakes. However, I don't think ending it was a mistake at all. Neither of us were really truly happy. Whether it be the physical distance, or distances of other kinds... we were no longer who we were in the beginning. It's hard to let go of him, just because I know he loves me. Is he the only one who could?
Pretty much my ENTIRE relationship with Andi was a mistake. But it was so easy! So much of my life has been spent holding and comforting those around me. All of the sudden there was this man who wanted to hold and comfort ME and tell ME everything was going to be okay. He thought he felt things for me that he didn't, and I tricked myself into feeling things I knew I shouldn't. Everything I fell for in the beginning was fleeting and momentary and short lived...but it was a bad time to be alone. That's no reason to stay with anyone. I was selfish. And now? Ultimately alone. My fault, I guess. I should have been alone sooner. Self preservation.
Like so many people, I crave love. But I'm not looking for it. It't like trying to find lasting satisfaction in a bowl of ice cream. YOu want the ice cream, it tastes good, it seems like it could solve all your problems, but it turns out it wasn't ice cream at all. It was fat, and sugar, and flavor substitutes. The things I find that I believe to be love are really just momentary substitutes. At least I think so. But I don't knwo the difference!
Sounds like a lot of garbage coming from someone who's only dated two men. But there have in fact been more. The others were just people with ulterior motives. IN love with my sisters, to be exact. Or homosexuals. Whatever! Maybe those were all just adolescent what ifs, but they were real to me.
I know I haven't found forever yet. I also know that I wouldn't know it if I had! Parts of me miss BJ, and parts of me very much still miss Andi. Another thing I crave is consistency. To go from seeing someone pretty much every day to seeing him...not at all, has not been easy. Neither of us were happy, but I still enjoyed him most of the time. And in quiet moments alone, he would be that person that I fell for to begin with...and then everything I hated about the relationship seemed worth it. Sick and twisted, indeed. I miss the way he held me. In those moments I could drift away to possible, even though I knew I was better suited for never. It was lovely to pretend. It scares me though to think that I could probably pretend again, no matter how much I love for reality. Reality meaning making it REAL.
I'm a sick lady this week. I have allergies galore, parts of the misery due to another lung infection (cough cough, hack hack), woman special time, (with a few added complications), and a headache that just won't seem to end! My entire body is groaning every time I move, and there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it.
I lay completely still and try to focus on a screen. My eyes wander to a light source like they always do, and my mind wanders away from the story being told, to stories I've already seen with my own eyes. Memories, flashing in little sparks. Agonizing spurts of light. Flashes beating me through the sides of my head, ringing through my temples with hated glee REMEMBER ME! REMEMBER ME! My finger nails are longer these days. Know how I know? The memories drive me so crazy, my palms have started to pay the price. I can remember in great detail feelings and glances and touches and kisses, and then I get angry. Why can't I forget? Why can't I forget!!?!? I just want to be everything to somebody, not just for pretend. I want to combine the good things in everyone I've known to make the perfect man. What's wrong with that?
Oh, that's right. It's impossible. My mom prayed specifically for the man she wanted, all the way down to what he wore and what kind of sink would be in her kitchen. Her prayer was answered, and she found the most amazing man she had ever met. It scared her to death! Kelly prayed a similar prayer, following my mother's example and seems to think hers has been answered as well. I think I'm scared of praying a prayer like that. WHy? Why would i be scared of getting what I want? Probably because it's never happened before, and it might just be the end of me! Hah, no seriously. I don't know why I haven't done that yet. I think I'm scared of my future mistakes.
I'm really good at sabotaging relationships. I've done it my entire life. My trying so hard NOT to sabotage my relationship with Andi, I sabotaged my relationship with Andi. I was too accomodating, too willing, too perfect. I waited on him hand and foot, trying to avoid any possibly disagreement. Sometimes I would stand my ground and he'd seem to hate it, so I'd back down. The spark he saw in me was quickly and quietly extinguished, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I was boring. He was boring. We were boring. But we were wrong for each other anyway. I was who I thought he wanted me to be, but what if all he wanted was me? Oh well. If he was really him the whole time like he claims (even though I saw so many different versions) I guess I didn't want him anyway.
What if I pray that prayer, meet God's choice, and screw it up? How do I stay myself? I disappeared when I was with BJ, and I disappeared when I was with Andi. How do I keep me around? How do I stay the person they see in the beginning?
I watch my sisters with their men, hether in person or in spirit. I'm not jealous, or envious...it's almost painful to watch. It magnifies my failures and bad decisions. It's a strange feeling. I'm just not happy with myself. I'm happy with many ASPECTS of my life, but me as a person...I'm not happy with her at all. How do I fix that?
Focus on the positive, live life with joy, put on a happy face, be a cheerful servant. I just don't understand what's changing. The colors are different. Inside of me and out. Fears and disappointments are more present than before. Why is that? Life has gotten less severe if anything. Somedays my mom seems to be making a lot of progress. Why do I seem to be the one slipping?
BLAH. Well, it looks like I'm writing a novel this evening. I've been house sitting for Brad but haven't been able to really enjoy it like I thought I would. I thought I would be spending all of my free time there, but it just doesn't feel as good to be alone anymore. I'm really tired of it, actually. My parents used to marvel at how well I could entertain myself. I was friends with everyone growing up, but friends weren't necessary in my every day life like they were for Sunnie. I was content to spend the time with myself, write a story or make up a play. Now... the silence wreaks havoc on my ears and drives me crazy. Movies depress me and just make me wish that I were anyone else but me...the person watching other stories happen instead of living my own. I wish I had the means to travel. REALLY travel. See the world! But not alone. I don't want to do it alone.
Okay, I think I'm done for now. My headache is taking over my head. Time to find something else to do.
Have a good evening.
-Whoever I am today...
A day off from work used to be a good thing. But that was when I knew how to make the world stop spinning. I would find things that made me happy and exist completely inside of them if only for a day. It was like my own personal magic trick. I could disappear and reappear within the random poetry of a day well spent. My ability to do that has seemed to vanish, replaced instead with a constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind. At times this feeling adopts the sound of a clock. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. What now, Corrie? What now? It's questions repeat ruthlessly. What now, Corrie? What now? Tick tock, tick tock. The possibilities are no longer endless. They have a schedule, just like everything else. What now, Corrie? What now?
I changed my hair again. No doubt another effort in changing me again. I don't think it worked. I've spent a great deal of time looking at my reflection in the mirror today, for some reason expecting to see a different face. I still look the same. I still feel the same. I still am the same. Tick...tick. What now?
My hair is not nearly as dramatic as I make it sound. I'm glad to have tried something different. There's something else clawing at my mind. Maybe it's just the tick tock clock, maybe it's something more. I'm not sure.
I've been analyzing my decisions that have taken place in the last year. Some were good, some not so good. I fantasize about doing something drastic. Finding a nanny job in some obscure location...with the promise of being treated as part of the family and brought along on glorious family vacations all around the globe. This is what I want pretty much every other day. Just to drop everything and start to live! Life Extraordinary!
I've fooled myself into believing I've accomplished things I haven't. Love? I don't know if I've ever found it. BJ was the first everything to me, so of course it would feel intense. But love? How do I know the difference? To have had nothing, and then a devoted relationship, and then tragedy...and then Andi. I didn't love Andi, not even close. But I loved being wanted around by someone who lived in the same state. I was COMPLETELY in love with that aspect of the relationship, as fleeting as it may have been. But I don't think I even know what love is. Romantic love, I mean. I know what it is to love a friend, a sister, a brother, a father, a mother. I know and cherish that love. But have I ever been IN love? I have no idea.
I scare myself sometimes with the sudden intense desperate need to figure that out. At first I thought it was a desperate need for love itself, but I think really that it's the need for discovery. I've existed in tragedy and drama for a very, very long time. Things happen in our family that other families cannot even imagine. It's come from the outside, people telling us in awe and disbelief... "Wow. With your family, when it rains it pours." And it's not too often that the storms subside for too long. Things just keep...happening. I amaze myself sometimes when I laugh. How can I laugh? How could anyone under the circumstances? How could anyone do silly dances and say silly things and poke people and tickle them and make them laugh with you too? Is that my gift? My mission? Do I exist in this family of tragedy to lighten the emotional burden? That's too bad... because I don't feel like I'm very good at it. But I do love to see them laugh. To smile. Is this why my fantasies of leaving seem so impossible? What do others depend on me for? What is my function?
I know pretty much every single person on the face of the planet asks that question of themselves on a regular basis. What is my purpose in life? What is God's plan for me? Why do the answers seem so hard to find? I long and ache for discovery. Discovery of so many things.
I fantasize about my trip to South Carolina. I fantasize about falling in love with a new place and not returning to the old one. Shedding the skin of tragedy and burden and starting over, fresh and new. Feeling the weight lift off my shoulders once and for all. Fill my scope with different sights and faces, each and every one of them unknowing of the life I've left behind. No more shadows of mistakes, just the light of new possibility. But then I think about my job, and my family, and float down from my cloud. How could I do that to them? How could I hurt them like that? And life gets heavier again. Back to earth.
Parts of my relationship with BJ were mistakes. However, I don't think ending it was a mistake at all. Neither of us were really truly happy. Whether it be the physical distance, or distances of other kinds... we were no longer who we were in the beginning. It's hard to let go of him, just because I know he loves me. Is he the only one who could?
Pretty much my ENTIRE relationship with Andi was a mistake. But it was so easy! So much of my life has been spent holding and comforting those around me. All of the sudden there was this man who wanted to hold and comfort ME and tell ME everything was going to be okay. He thought he felt things for me that he didn't, and I tricked myself into feeling things I knew I shouldn't. Everything I fell for in the beginning was fleeting and momentary and short lived...but it was a bad time to be alone. That's no reason to stay with anyone. I was selfish. And now? Ultimately alone. My fault, I guess. I should have been alone sooner. Self preservation.
Like so many people, I crave love. But I'm not looking for it. It't like trying to find lasting satisfaction in a bowl of ice cream. YOu want the ice cream, it tastes good, it seems like it could solve all your problems, but it turns out it wasn't ice cream at all. It was fat, and sugar, and flavor substitutes. The things I find that I believe to be love are really just momentary substitutes. At least I think so. But I don't knwo the difference!
Sounds like a lot of garbage coming from someone who's only dated two men. But there have in fact been more. The others were just people with ulterior motives. IN love with my sisters, to be exact. Or homosexuals. Whatever! Maybe those were all just adolescent what ifs, but they were real to me.
I know I haven't found forever yet. I also know that I wouldn't know it if I had! Parts of me miss BJ, and parts of me very much still miss Andi. Another thing I crave is consistency. To go from seeing someone pretty much every day to seeing him...not at all, has not been easy. Neither of us were happy, but I still enjoyed him most of the time. And in quiet moments alone, he would be that person that I fell for to begin with...and then everything I hated about the relationship seemed worth it. Sick and twisted, indeed. I miss the way he held me. In those moments I could drift away to possible, even though I knew I was better suited for never. It was lovely to pretend. It scares me though to think that I could probably pretend again, no matter how much I love for reality. Reality meaning making it REAL.
I'm a sick lady this week. I have allergies galore, parts of the misery due to another lung infection (cough cough, hack hack), woman special time, (with a few added complications), and a headache that just won't seem to end! My entire body is groaning every time I move, and there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it.
I lay completely still and try to focus on a screen. My eyes wander to a light source like they always do, and my mind wanders away from the story being told, to stories I've already seen with my own eyes. Memories, flashing in little sparks. Agonizing spurts of light. Flashes beating me through the sides of my head, ringing through my temples with hated glee REMEMBER ME! REMEMBER ME! My finger nails are longer these days. Know how I know? The memories drive me so crazy, my palms have started to pay the price. I can remember in great detail feelings and glances and touches and kisses, and then I get angry. Why can't I forget? Why can't I forget!!?!? I just want to be everything to somebody, not just for pretend. I want to combine the good things in everyone I've known to make the perfect man. What's wrong with that?
Oh, that's right. It's impossible. My mom prayed specifically for the man she wanted, all the way down to what he wore and what kind of sink would be in her kitchen. Her prayer was answered, and she found the most amazing man she had ever met. It scared her to death! Kelly prayed a similar prayer, following my mother's example and seems to think hers has been answered as well. I think I'm scared of praying a prayer like that. WHy? Why would i be scared of getting what I want? Probably because it's never happened before, and it might just be the end of me! Hah, no seriously. I don't know why I haven't done that yet. I think I'm scared of my future mistakes.
I'm really good at sabotaging relationships. I've done it my entire life. My trying so hard NOT to sabotage my relationship with Andi, I sabotaged my relationship with Andi. I was too accomodating, too willing, too perfect. I waited on him hand and foot, trying to avoid any possibly disagreement. Sometimes I would stand my ground and he'd seem to hate it, so I'd back down. The spark he saw in me was quickly and quietly extinguished, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I was boring. He was boring. We were boring. But we were wrong for each other anyway. I was who I thought he wanted me to be, but what if all he wanted was me? Oh well. If he was really him the whole time like he claims (even though I saw so many different versions) I guess I didn't want him anyway.
What if I pray that prayer, meet God's choice, and screw it up? How do I stay myself? I disappeared when I was with BJ, and I disappeared when I was with Andi. How do I keep me around? How do I stay the person they see in the beginning?
I watch my sisters with their men, hether in person or in spirit. I'm not jealous, or envious...it's almost painful to watch. It magnifies my failures and bad decisions. It's a strange feeling. I'm just not happy with myself. I'm happy with many ASPECTS of my life, but me as a person...I'm not happy with her at all. How do I fix that?
Focus on the positive, live life with joy, put on a happy face, be a cheerful servant. I just don't understand what's changing. The colors are different. Inside of me and out. Fears and disappointments are more present than before. Why is that? Life has gotten less severe if anything. Somedays my mom seems to be making a lot of progress. Why do I seem to be the one slipping?
BLAH. Well, it looks like I'm writing a novel this evening. I've been house sitting for Brad but haven't been able to really enjoy it like I thought I would. I thought I would be spending all of my free time there, but it just doesn't feel as good to be alone anymore. I'm really tired of it, actually. My parents used to marvel at how well I could entertain myself. I was friends with everyone growing up, but friends weren't necessary in my every day life like they were for Sunnie. I was content to spend the time with myself, write a story or make up a play. Now... the silence wreaks havoc on my ears and drives me crazy. Movies depress me and just make me wish that I were anyone else but me...the person watching other stories happen instead of living my own. I wish I had the means to travel. REALLY travel. See the world! But not alone. I don't want to do it alone.
Okay, I think I'm done for now. My headache is taking over my head. Time to find something else to do.
Have a good evening.
-Whoever I am today...
Friday, August 03, 2007
Today was an interesting day! I had a moment of weakness last night and couldn't sleep very well as a result. My stomach kept me up, but my cloud of a bed relaxed me somewhat. (I'm still praying for the someday tempurpedic.) My stomach hurts so bad when my mind wanders to places it shouldn't. It's like God's warning signs. Corrie! Knock it off! Te-he-he. So, as a result I was very sleepy and somewhat zombie-ish this morning.
Jeremy came in at 5:45 to start his shift. He was not feeling well either. What a pair! We had good conversations though. I really love him. He helps keep me sane. He brings clarity to my jumbled thoughts. We figured out something today that I hadn't thought of before. It makes a LOT of sense!
Later on Jeremy had to roast, so it was just me and Peter. IN the nicest way possible...Peter is complete incompetent. It's more like working by myself. He just gets in the way! He takes orders, screws them up and I have to correct them and fix his mistakes, while making all the drinks, restocking things, grabbing bakery, and waiting on customers. Then while he sees me running around like a crazy person, he stands there and watches, going "Um..should I do something?" HECK YES YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING! GOSH! So I say "Um...you could make the drinks you just rang up. I have about 12 I'm making on drive." He looks at me, blinks, and says "Oh." And proceeds to take at least five minutes on each drink. But enough complaining. I really like Peter as a person. He makes me giggle. And working with him actually makes time FLY because you never stop moving...around him.
After work I zipped home to help with the sale, though I really wasn't much help. I ended up selling my entire LOTR action figure collection for $75.00 WOW!!! When I think about it, I know I spent WAY more than that, but people don't typically like to spend that much on toys at sales. But whateva! I wasn't about to complain! Paul's cousin Erin was there helping out again, and she and I have a lot in common. We ended up trading things we each had brought to sell. She got my personal karaoke gadget (you plug it into an MP3 player and you can hear yourself sing along in the ear phones...) and I got roller skates! Saweet! I used to zip zip zip all over the place on roller skates back in the day. I was WAY excited. I tried them out this evening...I need practice, OH BOY!
A couple days ago, I invited my dad out on a date. Tonight was the night! We each showered and looked nice, and left the house for a 5:10 showing at the new Rosedale theater for "Bourne Ultimatum". It was FANTASTIC! And Dad had a blast. He was very very thankful, saying he hadn't had fun like that in a long time. We got popcorn and half lemonade half Sprite...and got butter topping on the popcorn... because we're never allowed to with Mom. We were living it up!
After the excellent movie I treated Dad to his all-time favorite, Willow Gate. They've completely changed! They built like...the great wall of Willow Gate outside, so you walk through a little passageway, it's adorable! They re-did the front, and offer a completely different menu! Aside from the old favorites, they've added an entire Thai section and lots of other new things to try. Lots of seafood! It's incredible. We ate too much. We purposely ordered more than we could eat so we could bring Mom a feast.
Now home again, and reflecting on life. It's amazing how fast things can change, and how different ones perspective can be from one day to the next. Life is not easy by any means, but things that i thought were making it easier before, were actually adding far too many complications. More than I needed! I like where I am.
It's still good to get away though! That's why I'm so excited about my trip! And again, I'm stupid. I'm flying INTO North Carolina, but they actually live just inside of South Carolina, so I was right the first time. So I'm going to say I'm going to both! So there! Rachel is so so excited. She can't wait either! Things to look forward to! Yay!
Also there's the Renaissance Festival. Did I mention that already? I ordered a costume online. I'm so excited! Laugh all you want, last year was the first time I dressed up, and I had a blast! And it was a 2 minute costume...this one will be real! It's my Era! Curves were in, chunky was good! Thin meant you were going to die. It's just the truth! I am unbelievably attractive at the Renaissance Festival, and Ophelia opened my eyes to exactly that. The attention I got was amazing! Jammer is going with me. He wants me to order him a Monk costume. It comes with the bald head wig. NOOO! A Medieval Monk. No, Jamie. No! He wants it badly. We shall see.
Even little times away are things to be excited about. Next week I'm house sitting for the worship Pastor at First, Brad. That'll be fun! A little retreat all for me. Yeah... you're so jealous!
Well, I guess that's it for now. It was a good day! Tomorrow is the first Saturday I've had off in about a million years. I hope I can handle it!
Later taters!
-ME
Jeremy came in at 5:45 to start his shift. He was not feeling well either. What a pair! We had good conversations though. I really love him. He helps keep me sane. He brings clarity to my jumbled thoughts. We figured out something today that I hadn't thought of before. It makes a LOT of sense!
Later on Jeremy had to roast, so it was just me and Peter. IN the nicest way possible...Peter is complete incompetent. It's more like working by myself. He just gets in the way! He takes orders, screws them up and I have to correct them and fix his mistakes, while making all the drinks, restocking things, grabbing bakery, and waiting on customers. Then while he sees me running around like a crazy person, he stands there and watches, going "Um..should I do something?" HECK YES YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING! GOSH! So I say "Um...you could make the drinks you just rang up. I have about 12 I'm making on drive." He looks at me, blinks, and says "Oh." And proceeds to take at least five minutes on each drink. But enough complaining. I really like Peter as a person. He makes me giggle. And working with him actually makes time FLY because you never stop moving...around him.
After work I zipped home to help with the sale, though I really wasn't much help. I ended up selling my entire LOTR action figure collection for $75.00 WOW!!! When I think about it, I know I spent WAY more than that, but people don't typically like to spend that much on toys at sales. But whateva! I wasn't about to complain! Paul's cousin Erin was there helping out again, and she and I have a lot in common. We ended up trading things we each had brought to sell. She got my personal karaoke gadget (you plug it into an MP3 player and you can hear yourself sing along in the ear phones...) and I got roller skates! Saweet! I used to zip zip zip all over the place on roller skates back in the day. I was WAY excited. I tried them out this evening...I need practice, OH BOY!
A couple days ago, I invited my dad out on a date. Tonight was the night! We each showered and looked nice, and left the house for a 5:10 showing at the new Rosedale theater for "Bourne Ultimatum". It was FANTASTIC! And Dad had a blast. He was very very thankful, saying he hadn't had fun like that in a long time. We got popcorn and half lemonade half Sprite...and got butter topping on the popcorn... because we're never allowed to with Mom. We were living it up!
After the excellent movie I treated Dad to his all-time favorite, Willow Gate. They've completely changed! They built like...the great wall of Willow Gate outside, so you walk through a little passageway, it's adorable! They re-did the front, and offer a completely different menu! Aside from the old favorites, they've added an entire Thai section and lots of other new things to try. Lots of seafood! It's incredible. We ate too much. We purposely ordered more than we could eat so we could bring Mom a feast.
Now home again, and reflecting on life. It's amazing how fast things can change, and how different ones perspective can be from one day to the next. Life is not easy by any means, but things that i thought were making it easier before, were actually adding far too many complications. More than I needed! I like where I am.
It's still good to get away though! That's why I'm so excited about my trip! And again, I'm stupid. I'm flying INTO North Carolina, but they actually live just inside of South Carolina, so I was right the first time. So I'm going to say I'm going to both! So there! Rachel is so so excited. She can't wait either! Things to look forward to! Yay!
Also there's the Renaissance Festival. Did I mention that already? I ordered a costume online. I'm so excited! Laugh all you want, last year was the first time I dressed up, and I had a blast! And it was a 2 minute costume...this one will be real! It's my Era! Curves were in, chunky was good! Thin meant you were going to die. It's just the truth! I am unbelievably attractive at the Renaissance Festival, and Ophelia opened my eyes to exactly that. The attention I got was amazing! Jammer is going with me. He wants me to order him a Monk costume. It comes with the bald head wig. NOOO! A Medieval Monk. No, Jamie. No! He wants it badly. We shall see.
Even little times away are things to be excited about. Next week I'm house sitting for the worship Pastor at First, Brad. That'll be fun! A little retreat all for me. Yeah... you're so jealous!
Well, I guess that's it for now. It was a good day! Tomorrow is the first Saturday I've had off in about a million years. I hope I can handle it!
Later taters!
-ME
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
What UP?
So! Let's see. Jammer cut his hair off. YES! I win! What? No, just that I've been begging him to do that forever.
Tomorrow is the opening of the garage sale Sunnie has worked her little butt off on. People from multiple families have donated items to sell for our family to keep the profits, can you believe it? Sunnie is selling a REALLY NICE couch and love seat if anyone is interested. But come on by! Or if you have stuff you don't want and want to let us sell it, that would be fine and dandy too!
My trip plans are finalized. And it's not South Carolina, it's North. I'm an idiot, that's all. Why this sudden trip, you ask? Well, when Andi and I ended our relationship I was kinda bummed, realizing I had nothing to look forward to. I was intended to go with them all to Missouri for Tim's graduation. I have no idea whether or not I still get an invite, but along with many other realizations, I decided...hey! Who needs them? Haha...no, not like that. But I can take a trip on my own! I was excited to go on a trip, so I planned one myself. I'm going to stay with Uncle Scott and Aunt Rachel for about five days. August 31st through September 4th. Rachel is thrilled!
It's weird how happy I am about life right now. Kelly and Andi are taking their time away from me, or whatever. Actually, I think I'm taking my time away from them. I miss watching movies and stuff, but once the initial shock wore off, and I was honest with myself, everything was okey dokey. Kelly is holding onto the drama for whatever reason, even though she knows FULL WELL why I panicked. Whether she decided to share that information or not, I have no idea. But the best part is...is I don't care.
For awhile there was this urgent need...a need to let them know why everything happened the way it did, and for them to get excited WITH me. My world got tipped over and I was dizzy, and shocked and confused as to why it had happened. I guess that wasn't allowed. I was supposed to be silent and perfectly okay to keep my distance and give up my every day routine for the sake of the comfort of those around me who were all going about life as if nothing had ever happened. Now when I get to the point where it feels like nothing bad happened and I'm actually OKAY...that's not all right either. It's exhausting! Geez Louise.
I'm pretty much fantastic now, and still look forward to when they're fantastic too. I guess I don't understand why Kelly isn't. She's got a pretty sweet deal. Pretty much nothing to worry about! But alas... it feels good not to have that urgency for contact. I've got better things to do! LIke now...Harry Potter night!
BYE!
Alas...it is me!
So! Let's see. Jammer cut his hair off. YES! I win! What? No, just that I've been begging him to do that forever.
Tomorrow is the opening of the garage sale Sunnie has worked her little butt off on. People from multiple families have donated items to sell for our family to keep the profits, can you believe it? Sunnie is selling a REALLY NICE couch and love seat if anyone is interested. But come on by! Or if you have stuff you don't want and want to let us sell it, that would be fine and dandy too!
My trip plans are finalized. And it's not South Carolina, it's North. I'm an idiot, that's all. Why this sudden trip, you ask? Well, when Andi and I ended our relationship I was kinda bummed, realizing I had nothing to look forward to. I was intended to go with them all to Missouri for Tim's graduation. I have no idea whether or not I still get an invite, but along with many other realizations, I decided...hey! Who needs them? Haha...no, not like that. But I can take a trip on my own! I was excited to go on a trip, so I planned one myself. I'm going to stay with Uncle Scott and Aunt Rachel for about five days. August 31st through September 4th. Rachel is thrilled!
It's weird how happy I am about life right now. Kelly and Andi are taking their time away from me, or whatever. Actually, I think I'm taking my time away from them. I miss watching movies and stuff, but once the initial shock wore off, and I was honest with myself, everything was okey dokey. Kelly is holding onto the drama for whatever reason, even though she knows FULL WELL why I panicked. Whether she decided to share that information or not, I have no idea. But the best part is...is I don't care.
For awhile there was this urgent need...a need to let them know why everything happened the way it did, and for them to get excited WITH me. My world got tipped over and I was dizzy, and shocked and confused as to why it had happened. I guess that wasn't allowed. I was supposed to be silent and perfectly okay to keep my distance and give up my every day routine for the sake of the comfort of those around me who were all going about life as if nothing had ever happened. Now when I get to the point where it feels like nothing bad happened and I'm actually OKAY...that's not all right either. It's exhausting! Geez Louise.
I'm pretty much fantastic now, and still look forward to when they're fantastic too. I guess I don't understand why Kelly isn't. She's got a pretty sweet deal. Pretty much nothing to worry about! But alas... it feels good not to have that urgency for contact. I've got better things to do! LIke now...Harry Potter night!
BYE!
Alas...it is me!