"There's no windows in this place, for me to show my weary face. Rage I hold within my soul, at times I cannot control. What's the point of me being here, when being here is what I fear? Everyday it's all the same, trapped again in my own pain. I cry myself to sleep, so many secrets I must keep. No one to reach to and nobody cares. Trapped in the middle of a distant stare. I've prayed that I was free of this grief that's filling me. Everywhere I turn, every bridge must burn. There's no windows in this place, for me to show my weary face."

Why did I type that all out? For a variety of reasons. Jamie was just playing that song on guitar and I wanted to test myself to see if I still knew all the lyrics. Also...it's kind of interesting to look back on it. For so long that song "Frustration" was my theme song 100%. It WAS me...I felt like I wrote it. Every single word made complete sense in my life. Life was hard.

I remember so vividly feeling exactly that way, and now all I can see is how far away I am from all that now. I used to let every little thing get me down, and now...it takes too much energy to be depressed. Energy I never have. I used to dwell on bad things, and now I don't even recognize them. Not as much, anyway.

Kelly and I were talking today, and we got on the subject of my little anti-breathing episode the other day, and I mentioned how BJ was kind of surprised as to why I didn't think it was worth mentioning to him. Before, I would have told the world...just so they would be aware I had reasoning to act the way I did. Now though...I didn't even recognize it as a problem. It's almost funny. Kelly and I shared a laugh over it, actually. She and I both have been seriously conditioned to the idea that any problem we might encounter in life is microscopic compared to anything our mother has experienced. It might not be true, but she's been telling us that for sooooo long now, I feel guilty for having any problems. Maybe that's why "Frustration" isn't my theme song anymore.

To most people, when you stop breathing and later cough up blood, that would be cause for alarm. But to me, that translates into "It's not cancer, so you have nothing to complain about." and two car accidents in a year with permanent back neck and shoulder damage is nothing, because "You didn't have a tumor on your spine, so be grateful." so in my mind, I'm in perfect condition. People being concerned about me is so over my head, I can't even comprihend such a notion.

So anyway... it's kind of under pathetic circumstances, but I don't have a chance to feel bad about my own problems...I just feel bad about having any at all!! Overall though, it makes life somewhat easier... less time to think about myself. Sometimes it's hilarious, though. At work I get one free shift drink a day. I never get one, unless mom calls me and asks me to bring her something home. I work there, and I've never tasted anything I've sold to the customers... we also get a free 1/2 pound of coffee a week, and I have to call to ask what kind of beans my mom wants. I don't even consider myself...but if I do... (like the one time I got a Hot Apple Blast instead of bringing my mom home a latte) I got a speech about how she's the last person I ever consider, and how selfish I am. So what did I do? I bought her a latte with my tip money. I didn't even think about it. It's just...a cycle.

I used to complain and cry about my mom a lot, and how she treats me...but I'm so unbelievably used to it by now. I'm also used to the idea that she would absolutely fall apart without me. That's probably why I'm still here. I hate realizing that...because if anything, she's supposed to be my reason to LEAVE. Not stay! What's wrong with me??? Plenty...

Here's something new: (not) I hate dreams. They bug the crap out of me! They bring up things you don't want to think about, and things you never even realized were an issue! But bam! You go to sleep, and they attack. They wait until your guard is down. You're unconscious! How low is that? Sneaky, sneaky. And then they get you. They jumble up your brain, force you into a skewed version of the truth, and by the time you wake up...you're just...screwed. It's sabotage. Each morning I've woken up recently, I've woken up confused. Your mind betrays you. It's like hearing a rumor about yourself! I wake up and I'm like "Say what? WHAT? Oh no you dih-int!" It's enraging! And then you're FORCED to think about the things you didn't even know were in your head in the first place. Ugh...I just...grr.

Anyway, so what did I do today? I worked from 5:30 -1:30, and then I went to my beloved library (Yes, BJ-- it's MINE!!) to return some DVDs. (While talking to Kelly on the phone) Then I came home, watched my tape of Gilmore Girls, and fell asleep for a couple hours. Then I woke up, went to Target, came home and took a shower, watched half my tape of One Tree Hill, then watched Smallville and Alias, and now here I am confusing myself with a somewhat cryptic journal entry. Ah, well.

Yesterday I went to a rehearsal for the one act I wrote called "Channel 13". Did I mention that already? I don't think so. Did I mention I have to miss the performance of it? Because I do. I'll be in Florida! Torture. Anyway, the cast is pretty great! It was really exciting to see my script acted out. I tried really really hard not to take over, but it was really difficult. I'm so used to being in charge! ESPECIALLY of things I've written.

So...do I have anything else to write about? No doubt. But...just like I wrote in the last journal entry, I just can't bring myself to write about them.

Later taters, I'm out!

Peace...please (I'm talking to you, oh self hating brain of mine!)

Me!