Word. Yeah. Let's see. I'm in a weird mood. I was almost really upset, but I got over it. I can't let her upset me anymore. And by her I mean mom. Let me go back.

I worked open to 11 today as usual. Anthony was there taking notes and critiques again. YAY! Jola was working drive-thru though, because Elke wants me to train people to be just like me. Isn't that hilarious?? So, I was training her to be a drive-thru queen like myself, but she was so nervous, because Anthony was standing right next to her, doing a service audit on her performance. Poor thing. First time on the morning rush drive-thru too. I felt bad.

I was in a pretty good mood, except my pants kept sliding down, bringin my underwear with them. I know you all wanted to know that... but once the pants went, my shirt would come un-tucked, and that's a big no-no! People kept poking me in the back everytime my short went loose to remind me that Anthony wasn't far away, and I could get in trouble. Geez... I don't really have any pants that fit anymore. Oh, well. I could have worse problems.

I got off at 11, and went to go work out. Then I went home, showered, and mom cornered in my room because she needed to "talk" to someone. Dang it, why does that someone always have to be me?? Oh, well. So! She had lunch with my Grammy yesterday, and they had a big fight. She told me her version of it. She told her how she gets frustrated that she has to repeat herself so often. (My grammy is hard of hearing. DUH!) And my mom said she doesn't like talking on the phone, and neither do the girls (us) and so none of us really want to talk on the phone with her, because she's too long winded. THat's terrible! She was so upset. She told her that's it's hard for us to talk to her. Not true!

Grammy told my mom that all she does is talk about herself anyway, and my mom got all defensive. (Too bad grandma was right!)They make plans and my mom almost always cancels, and my Grandma is just starting to feel unloved and forgotten, and you can't really blame her. Since Kelly lives in CT, I'm the only one who goes and visits her at home. She doesn't go out as much as she used to, so you have to go to her. She goes out with Ruth, and sometimes her other friends, but when she has downtime she really gets lonely, and that's when the family that lives less than a mile away is supposed to come into play. I'm just so disappointed in my family sometimes.

In all fairness Sunnie has gotten better about going to see her, but it really can't be enough. If anything I've gotten worse with my wacky schedule. Sunnie said it herself. "All you do is work and sleep." It's the truth...which is why my wardrobe consists of little else than a Caribou uniform and pajamas.

So anyway, after giving me her high and mighty speech about how right she was, and how she put Grandma in her place, she told me how she understands her, because "When I was really sick, everyone else's lives went on, and I felt so forgotten. You all would be talking and laughing and I'd have to beg for attention." AHHH! I was so upset! She was basically saying we were all carefree and getting along without her, and how she would go from room to room and we'd ignore her. I almost threw things at her head just then. She started to cry, and say "I was so scared, and so alone, and nobody cared." OH MY GOSH!!!!

I was ill. I almost threw up. I was so...argh. Mom and dad seriously are in denial. They've erased that entire time frame from their memory. They have no idea what they're talking about when they 'look back'. It's all a bunch of crap! It infuriates me. And Kelly. She and I have vented to each other many a time. AHHHH. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode.

So, she was crying to herself and feeling sorry for herself about how she almost died and nobody cared, so I decided to go for a walk and listen to angry music.

"Just one more look and I'm gonna explode, I'm gonna self combust, I'm gonna blow up the world. Just one more word and you'll cross the line, I mean over the edge you're on thin black ice. Ooh, there's a little bit of psycho in me I confess, why'd you want to pick on me and not the rest? Does it make you feel big? Does it make you feel better? So tell me how's the weather..."

Yep. I felt better after that. We went through so so much, and we all survived. Not just her. We all almost died. Not just her. Some day she'll be able to see past herself, but I hope it won't be the day after never. Because I'm getting really....tired.

I'm always tired. She doesn't help. I need to get away, I really really do. But like I told BJ, I need options. I don't have any right now. Give me an option and I'll jump on it and not look back. I have a pretty good feel for what's right for me, and everything right now is pretty right, except for that little thing I call home. It isn't anymore, and that's un-good. I haven't found home yet, I haven't found that...peace. But I will. And soon. It's just beyond my reach...for now.

So, I walked to Lurae's garage sale, and chatted a bit, then I walked back to the library, and here I am. Perfectly content in being uncontent. Does that make sense? Ah, yes. The library makes it all better. Hehehe.

So what to do now? I think I'll go visit my Grammy dear. BJ has a job interview today, and I'm really excited for him. If he wants it, I want it...and if it happens, then it was meant to happen. I hope all goes well. I'm sure I'll hear about it tonight.

So... time for me to take my leave. My shoulders hurt from all the tension I built up...there's this large mysterious dark red mark on my shoulder, that looks like a cut or a scrape, except that it isn't. It's like... a red bruise or something, and it just appeared today! It's smooth and kind of...perfect, but it frightens me. I don't know what it is! It almost looks like I drew something on myself. Except that I didn't. (I tried scrubbing it off, so I know it isn't ink...or grape juice...or something else like that...)

Anyway...enough rambling! Bye bye, I'm really going now! (hehe!)

Bye!

Me