Automatic lie. Nobody REALLY wants to hear the truth when they ask "How are you?" They expect the generic "Good, Fine, Okay, Not bad..." etc. etc. It's an automatic lie. Even if life is terrible, you respond with one of those cookie cutter answers, because honesty is not an option in casual conversation. If it is, chances are it's an unwanted option for the party inquiring after your surface well being. It's a harmless lie really, but sometimes you wish you could throw caution to the wind and tell everyone what's really on your mind. If only you could know without a doubt that they really wanted to hear it.

Oh, well! That's what a journal is for, right? I'm just annoyed with myself today, I think that's all it is. It was a normal day, I don't know why I'm boo-hooing about it.

I worked 5:30-11. It went by really fast. Everyone was making me laugh. Drive-thru was its typical self, but all went well. No disasters. I got to take a turkey sandwich and pasta salad home from the case, but I forgot it in the back fridge. (dang it) After work I went quick to McDonald's across the street to get Megan a double cheeseburger. She was thrilled.

After that, I went home. Mom was still sleeping, but Jamie was up. I had brought him a cooler, so that put him in an appreciative and amiable mood. So, I decided to take advantage of it. He had to go to the Tearoom to tell them the real dates for the Missions Trip. I had to go to Wal-Mart to get a movie poster frame for the Phantom poster BJ bought for me. (Gotta love him!)

So we did that, and then I spent the rest of the money I had to put more gas in mom's car. I just did it two days ago, but she drove everywhere and it was back to empty. Last time she did that with all my gas money, I decided to leave the car as was, and that was a mistake. I never heard the end of my "selfishness" blah blah blah, and how fortunate yet again I was to have a mother like her. So this time I figured I'd start Saturday out right, put mom in a good mood, and put money in the car so she could drive around and waste it all. Yay. Apparently I can do no right.

I got home, and got screamed at for taking the car. I told her i went to go put gas in it, and that wasn't okay. I can't win! I said "You would have been upset if I brought the car home empty." and she said "That's for me to decide! You have to ask!" AHHHHH! She was sleeping!

Yesterday she had told me to work on the laundry, but not to wash any of her stuff. So I did. I ran out of stuff to wash that wasn't hers, so heaven forbid...I did my OWN laundry. (I had no clothes left, it only made sense.) Well, apparently that wasn't okay either.

I was on the phone with BJ at the time. Had she known, she probably would have left me alone. HOWEVER...that was not an option. So she decided to pick the argument about the car over again, and then said "I just went downstairs and folded a ll of your clothes. I'm so disappointed. I told you to fold the laundry and bring it up." Well, I did I told her. And then I did more laundry. But she says "I told you not to touch any of my things, and you went and put my things in the dryer anyway..." No I didn't!!!!! She crabbed at me forever, and I could feel my spirit getting crushed. YOu just feel...deflated. She lives in her fantasy world, where if you exist, you only exist as the villain.

So anyway. Mom and dad went counter top shopping. I watched "Celeste In The City" on abc family, and then I talked to BJ a little more. Sometime after that, I fell asleep. Naps are kind of life saving. My mom leaves me alone when I'm sleeping. Mostly because she forgets I'm there. I was just exhausted. I think this 5 am every single say is getting to me. (duh)

So, when my mom is pretending I don't exist, I can tolerate it. Granted I hate being "the girl upstairs" but hey. It's better than being the target of verbal...crap. She only talks to me when it's negative, or she needs me to do something for her. Oh, well. So, physical and emotional exhaustion set in. She's been on my back ever since I got back from Alabama. It almost seems right. You have a good couple a days, and then there's a backlash. Happy? You were HAPPY? No, no, no. It's like... bait. A smile is like a red flag. ATTACK! Go Penny go! I'm exaggerating. I know. Maybe...

So, I was tired. I fell asleep and woke up a little after 11pm. WHOA! Which explains why I'm still awake. I probably will be for awhile. I got up though, and everyone had eaten Taco Bell. I was moderately excited, because I hadn't eaten in forever because there is NO non-mom only food in this house. So I asked if there was any for me. My mom glares at me and says "No. YOu were asleep." So I said "Oh." That's all I said! But she went off on me! "You were asleep! What did you expect? If we would have woken you up you would have been mean and crabby to everyone." I tried to respond, but it was a lost cause. So then she said "Besides. A few days ago you got KFC and didn't give me any. Now you know how I feel. It feels terrible doesn't it? When you feel like no one thinks about you? Now you know. I told you I wouldn't let that slide." Well, true...i bought Sunnie and I some lunch and we brought it home. My mom was on her way out when she saw the bag in my hand. She asked if we would split it with her. I said we only got enough for two because she wasn't home when we left. She threw a fit and was like "Fine. I see how it is! I would never do that to you. You're so selfish. You only think about yourself." Well, we got sandwiches! We were each supposed to give her half? That's not cool... but she wouldn't speak to me for awhile after that.

So back to Taco Bell, after she brought up KFC from 2 WEEKS AGO, my dad, to pacify my mom and make her feel like that was a legitimate argument turns to me and says "Ooh! Payback sucks, doesn't it?" Victory for mom! YOu could tell by the smirk on her face. I shut up and left the room. Oh wait, I had shut up a long time ago. She was having the argument with herself, that's right. All I did was ask if there was any Taco Bell left. Darn me and my evil ways. I deserve to be shot.

So yet another reason why my eating habits suck. I must admit...I really wish I hadn't forgotten that sandwich and the salad in the Caribou fridge. *sniffles* I'm really hungry. I was going to eat a candy bar from the concession stand in my theater, but...I knew I'd make myself ill if that was all I had in my stomach. Maybe I'll go eat an egg. Bleck...I don't want an egg. Argh.

So, enough whining about mommy dearest. I really should apologize. I don't like being the whiner. The one with all the problems. The girl everyone feels sorry for. I know how to prevent a lot of these situations, I just...don't. I could try to be the perfect child, but for my mom, I really don't think that child exists.

So, a few tears later I got over it. I feel like I'm going nuts. Why do I stay here? People ask me why I want to leave and I can't put it into words. One time, I cracked myself up when I responded. "I don't know. Why would anyone want to get out of Hell? It's toasty."

So anyway... I'm sorry I sound so bitter sometimes. I have a lot to be thankful for. My mother is just ever-present, and the stuff I'm thankful for isn't. It's hard to see the sunshine when someone keeps punching you in the eye...hahaha. That's funny. I'm hilarious. I'm going to end this now before I never stop.

Later!

Me