I have a new layout! It's pretty! It's green. Anyway.

I need to get better. In more ways than five methinks. I'm having difficulties in too many areas. I need to cut down on problems. I wish that were easier. Blah blah blah blah blah.

SO! I love love letters. I used to dream of love letters when I was little. I wrote myself love letters and hide them in my desk at school to make the boys in my elementary school jealous. I was such a little...gosh. I was funny. ANYWAY! I love love letters. I re-read some from BJ recently, and sometimes I find it hard to believe that they were actually written to me. It's funny. They're so wonderful, I feel like I wrote them to myself! One of my favorites is the card BJ gave me with a bouquet of roses.

"To the woman who made my heart beat for the first time..."

*CHILLS*-- my Prince Charming. Anyway. I just felt like gushing a bit. I've noticed myself slipping back into some old habits. Things Kelly used to continually criticize me for. My own form of self mutilation, relationship sabotage. Every once in awhile, I find myself doing it with BJ. Sometimes he deserves my "complaints"... but. Something is just different, and I think that it has a lot to do with the move. Something is missing. But not love. Nope, nope, nope.

I'm scared of everything, and I know it. At least I admit it. Sometimes people don't want to know if you're scared, though. In high school I always got told how I was so admired because of my strength. Nothing phased me. At least not on the outside. My choir director gave me an award at the end of the year. She calls them the "Dymit Awards" (Her last name) and she makes them up. Some things are really stupid, such as the award for the longest note held, or something like that. I got the last award, and the loudest applause. I kept the certificate. It says "For her spirit, strength and courage. We can all learn from her." If only they knew how messed up I was at the time. But maybe that's what strength is. Not being so transparent. I worked so hard on the walls thing, and BJ wanted them to disappear. I wonder if he regrets that...

ANYWAY. Enough for now. I need to focus on the good. I can't wait to see BJ tonight. I'll feel so much better. Get out of my head bad, crippling thoughts!

IN other news, I received a belated Christmas gift from Nikki in the mail the other day. I LOVE getting mail! (hint hint) So! If you want it, I will gladly give you my new address.

Kelly is going to be here soon. I can't wait. It's gonna be so much better. I will have a best friend aside from BJ, and stop driving everybody crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. BAH!

I love you all. Especially you. And YOU are the greatest. You're wonderful. Hehehe. BYE!

Me