CHICAGO! --wel, suburb of. Never really even saw the city to be honest. But nonetheless! It was enjoyable. Made some new friends, hung out with God. Sweet!

The trip began on Tuesday, June 12th 2007. I had worked earlier that morning, and raced home to pack and make last minute arrangements. I was nervous about spending lots of time in a confined space with virtual strangers. We all met up the church and introduced ourselves. Here's who went!

Corrie Killmer (Um, yeah. If you don't know...you're in TROUBLE!)
Stephen Turnbull (Teaching Pastor of First Lutheran)
Brad Smith (Pastor of Worship)
Kari Charbonneau (Worship team/Pastoral assistant)
Taylor Charbonneau (15 year old genius! Sound and lighting tech)
Paul Pierre (Sound and lighting)
Jill Bishofsky (Brad's GF, and worship team coordinator...and a brilliant nurse!)

So we headed out! Bran and Kari were driving, so we split up boys and girls. It was a blast! We chatted up a storm and the hours flew by. We stopped at Subway for lunch....still kinda shy with each other. After Subway the cars switched up a bit. It was me Kari and Steve in Kari's car, and Brad, Paul, Taylor and Jill in Brad's car. Kari and Steve talked about their lives growing up while I snoozed in the back.

We made it into Arlington Heights, Illinois around 10:45 pm or so. We checked in and took forever figuring out who was in what room, and then retreated to our respective areas. Jill and I were roomies. We had a king size bed and a pull out couch. She insisted on taking the pull out couch (She's tiny anyway. I didn't feel bad!) so I got the king. She has a king at home, and I have a twin... so we decided it was totally fair. I slept diagonally every night! Why? Because I could!!

Wednesday morning I woke up with the sun as usual. I was excited! I got up way too early and showered while Jill slept. I packed up my plan see bag and headed downstairs for a very early breakfast of hard boiled eggs, yogurt and french toast. Delish! The rest of the group VERY slowly made their way downstairs. Then it was off to Willow Creek Church!

It was so intimidating. If you haven't seen it...the way Jeremy describes it is a Jesus Mall. They have a restaurant, an escalator, indoor waterfall, a huge book store. Not to mention the numerous auditorium...the main one having three levels. It's HUGE! It looks like a concert hall.

The first session was everyone altogether in the main auditorium. We heard some speakers and then had lunch. (YUM!) Then we heard some more speakers, more worship... and called it a day! Afterwards, we all went out for true Chicago Style pizza. (The stuffed kind) and it was delicious! I entertaied the crowd with different accents and funny stories. That's when people started to get excited about my drama ministry. "Wow, Corrie. YOu should be in drama!" I laughed.

That night I fell asleep early, but the rest of the group had a Wii party in Kari and Taylor's room.

The next morning I was up early again, ate breakfast with Paul and Taylor, and then we headed out to our break out sessions. I had signed up for four different drama related classes. I may sound like a snob, but seriously? I knew everything already. It was kind of a yawn fest. We all got together at lunch and discussed our sessions. Everyone else had experienced like life altering lessons, whereas I was like "Huh... yeah I knew that." Everyone in the classes I took were trying to sound so special, so instead of asking questions, everyone would talk about hwo great their drama ministry is and compare notes. It was silly.

One of the sessions was called Creating a Scene, and they dug apart one script for an hour and a half, giving specifin instructions on how to make that one scene in that one script spectacular. Why? What do you take home from that? We were studying what the characters were thinking in one stupid (badly written) script. What were we supposed to gain? It was a showcase of a drama director directing something that none of us would ever direct... so I just kinda fidgeted and snuck out early.

I ended up altogether skipping my last class. I should have signed up for music classes or something fun like that. Kari had a blast in her vocal performance classes! I know I've got a lot to learn there still! But alas. No such luck. Ah, well. It was actually a blessing in disguise skipping my last class...

I was walking around the church taking pictures on my cell phone to show my family. I was so bored, I was trying to find random people to text. I was texting Kelly, Andi and Jeremy... but they all stopped responding. So...I was scrolling through my contacts. I landed on Dan Wellumson. He was my D.A.R.E. officer in 5th grade, and we remained friends. We've lost each other and then found each other several times throughout the years. The last time I talked to him was the day my mom was going to have her second kidney removed. A lot has happened since then! Oh my word. I was supposed to have called him and given him an update. That's exactly what I was thinking when I looked up from my phone.

To my left was a man sitting at a table in the Atrium, looking a lot like Dan Wellumson. I laughed, thinking how creative my eyes were to play tricks on me like that, after just reading his name. But then his eyes bugged out of his head and he grinned from ear to ear. "Corrie!" he yelled. I couldn't believe it! Holy cow!

I rushed over and gave him a hig and told him I was just thinking about how I was supposed to call him, and how random this was. He kept saying what a God thing it was. I agree! We were both skipping class. Hahaha! Me and my D.A.R.E. officer. We sat and talked for almost an hour about everything. It was so great to just...ramble! We talked about me, about him, about my mom, about his dad, about my siblings, about his kids... we just couldn't believe we ran into each other at a conference that was hosting more than 8,000 people. I barely saw the people I came with! But there he was. It was amazing.

After that we headed back to the hotel, and then out for Thai food. (I had to call Kelly and ask her what to order) I was treated by someone else to dinner pretty much every time we went anywhere. They were very pushy. After dinner we went back to the hotel again. Brad and Jill went to the hot tub, so I hung out in my room and dozed to some TV. Then Jill came and jokingly yelled at me for being anti-social. We went to Kari and Taylor's room where everyone else was and watched "Cash Cab". I taught Taylor how to play "Mrs. Mumble" and h almost died. He laughs every time I look at him so it was easy to win! We got everyone to play for a little while, and that was just too funny!

To bed again and then off to Willow Creek for the last time. Worship was amazing and made me bawl my eyes out. Two of the worship leaders told their testimony, and it was about the suffering of one of their daughters. They talked about all the hospitals and health problems, and how it tears you up...I couldn't relate more. They went on to talk about how thei faith was tested and how angry they were...and how much strength it took to continue to praise God through it all. The woman, helena sang "Praise you in this storm" which I had never heard just a girl and a piano sing. She slowed it down and it ripped your heart out, I swear. The guy sang a song he had written called "An Honest Conversation" and that made my cry even harder. Being honest with God, and finally coming around to talk to him again. Geez. They sang a couple praise songs about leaning on God, relying on him, running to him when you can't find anyone else. How your help comes from the Lord... it was tough, and I had no tissues, and I was snot filled. They had everyone who was in the midst of a storm stand to their feet so they could be surrounded and prayed for. I couldn't stand up, but Kari laid her hand on me anyway.

The first session was really good. The speaker reminded Kari and I of Kevin James. After him it was snack time, and then time for the final speaker. The final speaker was from a church in California called Mosaic, and he and his team performed something they called "Scribble" and how you gotta draw outside the lines. It was awesome! Dancing, dramatic monologues, comedy, and the sermon and personal stories were excellent.

After all was said and done we got back into boy and girl cars and hit the road. We stopped at Subway again for lunch (Connected to a restaurant we all made fun of called 'Beef-A-Roo") THen we hit the road again! More stories and bonding in the girl car. By the time we made it back to church we were best friends.

Through the whole trip my toe was an ever present issue that wouldn't really go away. Jill performed surgery on it a couple times, draining it etc. Now it's really bad, and looks horrible, and it's spreading. So... I have to go to urgent care. Yay! No, not so much. It's father's day and I can't walk. But...they weren't open so i was passing time by blogging. But now I have to go. Chicago was a blessing in so many ways, and I am so glad I went! My toe will thank me later.

Stupid toe. It's just a toe but its caused a lot of damage. I walk weird which hurts my ankle, which throws my knee off, which pushes my hip out... and it's just really ugly and painful! And the cause of my first fight with Andi. Oh, well. I do what I can...and everyone knows I'm good at taking care of everyone else but me. He was telling me I have screwed up priorities and back bad choices... after I went out and bought him a bunch of stuff to take care of his sunburn he got by making the stellar decision to stay out on a boat all day in the sun without sun screen. Hypocrite.

Okay! I'm done now. Goodbye!

Hello all! In Chicago right now! We come home tomorrow. I'll be more extensive upon my return. My toe is still infected, but has been worked on carefully by new friend Jill. My adopted little brother Taylor, son to adoptive mother Kari looks over my shoulder now... hi Taylor! Bye now!!

Come on! You know you want to.


1. Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Relationship status:

4. Favorite Movie:

5. Favorite Song or Album:

6. Favorite Band/Artist:

7. Sea or Sky?

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

10. What's your philosophy on life?

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

13. What is your favorite memory of us?

14. What is your favorite pleasure?

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

16. You can have three wishes (for yourself) - what are they?

17. Can we get together and bake cookies?

18. Which country is your spiritual home?

19. What is your biggest challenge?

20. Do you think you're a hard worker?

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school:

22. Describe your accent:

23. If you could change anything about yourself, would you?

24. What do you wear to sleep?

25. Day or Night?

26. Chocolate or Vanilla?

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

I have an infected toe. Just thought you should know.

ANYWAY! I leave for Chicago day after tomorrow. I'm nervous/excited. The silly part I'm actually nervous about is the actual driving there part. Road tripping with strangers...freaky! Why? Because cars are tight and cramped and if you don't instantly enjoy the person you're toushing shoulders with, you are in for a LONG car ride.

I'm also nervous because of all the break out sessions. Out on my own! AHH! And in a classroom setting, I haven't done that in awhile. And I'll be taking drama classes, and team building classes...so what if I'm made to look like an idiot? I don't think so, but we shall see. ANYWAY.

I have nothing really all that interesting to talk about. Oh well. Let's see...

Sometimes I wish I could run away as fast as I can from all things coffee. Never again hear the words espesso, milk froth, and crema. Never to tap and swirl, never again to breathe in deeply the choking aroma of mocha powder. True, I enjoy it...sometimes. But most times I just want to scream. It's not the job itself, it's not the coffee, it's not the place, and it's not the people. It's the fact that I've been doing it for too long and never seem to get anywhere. Not only that, but the hours and the randomdess of every coffee house schedule. It's hard to handle, and you never get a solid sleeping pattern. It IS a fun job, and I'm the envy of a lot of people, but every once in awhile the weird part of me craves the typical monday through friday desk job. No more working weekends! That would be heaven! While all the other normal people are sleeping in on Saturdays, I would NOT be setting my alarm for a time before the sun wakes up.

OR--- I just go the other route and become rich and famous and don't need the coffee or the desk. Just bask in the glory of the genius that is me. That would be enjoyable! Although somewhat unlikely...while at the same time too much fun to think about.

Am I done talking about absolutely nothing? Probably not... but my eyes are slowly closing, and my brain therefore slowly shutting off. I wonder why it is that working six hours today felt twice as long as the typical eight or nine hour day? It was confusing to say the least.

Maybe it was because of the excruciating pain caused by my infected toe. Indeed. The pain of toe is great. I have nothing else really to talk about. So here is where I end it.

Goodbye.

My mom fell out of bed today, and smashed her head/face on the floor. She is extremely swollen, and her lip was cut...so there was a lot of blood. Lots of red, black and blue.

She was instantly ill and sleepy, so we're thinking she has a concussion. I stopped the bleeding as best I could. She just keeps crying and crying. We're taking her to the ER now. With the problems she had with her head before, we can't be too careful. She hit her head HARD.

When I was rinsing the blood out of a rag again and again to clean off her face, I just couldn't get over how calm I was. The blood was mixing with the water, turning into a dull brown, the bright red fading away. It swirled around in the white sink and disappeared. Again and again I rung it out, drenched it in cold water to numb the pain. Cleaning out blood clots from her mouth, and the blood running down her chin and neck. Her tears mixed with the blood and dripped onto her night gown. I shushed and calmed her like I would a child. She held onto my wrist and squeezed it.

I pushed her hair back off her forehead and helped her into bed. I propped her up on pillows and tucked her in. Sunnie placed an ice pack on the side of her face, and I held the wash cloth up to her mouth. She cried and moaned, and talked about all of the horrible things that have happened to her.

The tears were sitting at the back of my throat, making it ache with sorrow. You just have to swallow it back and keep on talking. Be calm, be collected, but keep talking. Keep her calm, keep her collected.

"You have a life to lead, Mama. YOU have to lead it, not fear. It's okay to be scared, but you cannot let it lead your life. That's your job. Life doesn't stop being a gift just because it changes. Treasure your gift, Mama. And make sure you're living it."

All these things she's heard before. She still nods, she still says "Yes. Yes." Then she moans out "Oh, Jesus. Help me, Jesus. Why Lord, why? Why me? Why now? Why again?"

I push her hair back again, and dab at the blood around her mouth while wiping her tears away. "Every life is different. Every plan is different. No two people are alike. God has a plan for each one of us. Let go and let God, Mama."

"I know, Corrie. I know. I have."

"No, Mama. If you have, you wouldn't be asking why. Let go and let God, Mama. Let go and let God." Then the racking sobs ensue. I hold her hand and stroke her shoulder. She leans against me and says over and over again "I'm so tired. I'm so scared. I'm so tired. I'm so scared."

"I know, Mama. But you're not alone. You're okay. You're not alone. We're all here with you, and we love you."

All these things she knows by heart, but always has to hear them. She told me once before that she needs me around simply to tell her every day that everything is going to be all right. I told her I can't do that. But I guess I'll do it today.

I feel numb. How many more things can happen before I just stop reacting? I know how to handle it, I know how to put on a brave face and do what i have to do. The night I called the ambulance was pretty much the first time in my life I experienced true panic. I've never been so NOT calm in my entire life.

Well, off I go now. Your prayers are always welcome. Thank you.

I once played well the role of experiencing true delight,
When it was time to close my eyes in surrender to the night.
But now when light grows dim, no solace lies within this weary mind
Night once was kind.


I hate this. It's a curse! If only I could fall asleep first. Then there would be no more tell tale signs of paranoia, feasting mercilessly on my already deteriorating mind. It was in my past, it lingers in my present, and appears to be waiting for me ominously in my future. If the minutes were but a minute longer, I wouldn't have to be tortured by the silences. If the light would hold out for another moment more, before the closing of the door, everything would be all right. But then comes the night.


Why is this such a plague? A flag to stand up and declare that it's not fair. Don't tell me to sleep well, while in destrutive thoughts I dwell. This is HELL!

I hate today. Quote a distant memory, far away. Now brought back, here to stay.

Just stay awake with me. Open your eyes and tell me lies, I don't care. But this isn't fair. You act surprised? Ha! Let's compromise.

I feel it less than before. Should I feel more? Who knows? Things dwindle down, but then they grow. Hmm...I suppose....

What do I do now?


I sleep. Except I don't. I won't. Not my choice, it's the ever present voice. The voice of what? Of me... of fears through years of tears. AHHH! Be quiet and say something! Open your ears!

There are thoughts in my head, I wish they were dead. Am I boring you? I'm boring me. I'm boring too...that's what's been said.

There's always a fear that when near, I'm worse than far away as some might say. Blah blah blah, and seize the day. Anyway...who's to say you'd do it better? You'd write a letter.

I don't have to make sense as my mind ferments. I don't have to write songs that just prolong the inevitable. Everyone is a little bit crazy, their ambitions lazy. I for one have crossed a giant bridge, teetered endlessly on the rocky ridge, waiting to fall, but floating mysteriously above the nothing. The nothing waits to suck you in. and maybe someday I'll let it again. Ignorance is bliss, you hit or miss...or just miss on purpose. It's tempting no? So...

I think I'll go now. I'm more tired than I'll admit. It feels good to rant awhile, that's my style. I'll be okay tomorrow. Actually...I'll be perfect by this afternoon. So soon? Of course! It's right.

But then comes night....

I thought I'd start with another picture. That was was just sent to me by Andi's mom. It was taken at his daughter's birthday party. (it was VERY windy) She turned 2!! It was very easy to fall in love with her. If only everything in life were that easy.

MOVING ON! How am I?

Weird. Another day off. My hip still hurts! For I am old...

I don't know what the crap I did to myself, but whenever I look down and bend my neck...I get a sharp agonizing pain in my thigh/hip area. It's driving me CRAZY!

After today, I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and then off to Chicago I go! I am excited. Very excited. I think this trip will accomplish a lot! One of the classes I'm taking is how to form a solid drama team. I definitely need that!

Well, I'm off to do some laundry and some equally mundane household tasks. Mayhaps I shall find inspiration along the way for another commercial! I shall not discuss them here...there are spies everywhere! But that money shall be MINE! Or ours...depending on if you help me...whoever you may be.

GOODBYE!

I have forgotten to mention something! I have gone back to somewhat blonde! And since I had nothing better to do today, I took pictures of myself! So, here you go!






I think I may go even lighter in the not too distant future. It's fun to play! Today was weirder than yesterday. In the middle of the night last night, I rolled over and hear a loud pop in my hip. I'm an old woman again! Instant pain shot all the way down my leg, and my knee started to throb as well. I got up and hobbled around, because there was no possibility of getting comfortable. The walking pretty much made it worse, so sleep just...stopped.

I went to work, opened the store, and couldn't believe how much my leg hurt! It was excruciating! Dear sweet Megan took pity on me and switched shifts, to get me out 2.5 hours early. I went home and massaged my leg awkwardly...heh...and then put those warm rice packs on it. It's still sore, but it feels like a dull cramp now. I don't know what I did, but I hope I don't do it again!

I napped a little, took a shower, straightened my hair and took boredom pictures. Now the day is coming to an end... Andi is on his way over, and then we're going to the bike shop, then maybe a movie. I dunno. We shall see!

So that's all for now.

TTFN!

I feel strangely. Today was my first day off in like a week, and I felt completely lost. I spent the night at Andi's, unable to fall asleep for way too long. I woke up way too early and went home. The house and everyone in it was still asleep, so I poured myself some cereal and went up to my room.

I let myself get sucked into a TV DVD (The OC season four, if you must know) until I fell asleep around 9:30 am. I slept until noon! It was very strange. I woke up, and felt horrible. Something has been...off about me lately.

After getting up, suffering some stomach problems, and cleaning the kitchen...I returned to my room to watch the rest of the OC. My mind went crazy with comparisons as one character tried endlessly to manipulate another into saying he loved her. It was kinda funny to think back how scary those words were to me. "I LOVE YOU". I couldn't say it back to BJ for quite a long time. He would say it, and I would either hang up, change the subject, or pretend like it was never said. The whole love thing probably means a litle too much to me anyway. It's a big deal! Too often is "I LOVE YOU" said in passing or casual conversation. When I say it, I mean it. I really do. Hark! I am reminded of a Moffatts song.

"Say'n I love you, is the hardest thing to do. But if I ever do, girl I'll always be true..." HA! Corn. And cheese! CHEETOS! Enjoy. For they are crunchy.

After the OC was finished, I showered and then played with some of Sunnie's hair products...none of which I know how to use, but thought I would try anyway.

Then I went to Target and spent money I don't have on things I don't need. I'm very good at that!

Then alas, here I am. Back at Andi's... he's not home yet. It's just me, Darla and Kelly. I put away his laundry and turned on a movie. (WS R&J!!!!) I just feel weird. My stomach won't leave me alone, and my head feels detached.

I have nothing real to write about, this is what I now realize. I am a boring person. No! No I'm not, I'm fantastic. I just feel strange. Life is stretching forward pointing toward a new path, but I just don't know if it's the right one. The life I'm living now is full of holes. How do I fill them? What do I fill them with? Do I fill them at all? BLAH!!!!!

So now I quit. Quit what? I have no idea. I'm not making any sense. So... that's my cue to run away! It's when I start making sense that I run even further still! It's never easy. Goodbye!

Something needs to change. I don't know how to change it, but I know it has to change. What do I even change? This is hard. This is really hard. What do I have to let go of in order to take hold of something else? When you're swinging through the jungle on vines, you can't move forward to another vine without letting go of the one that got you to the next one. Make sense?

UUGGGHHH! My head is so full of what ifs and maybes. I'm turning into my mother! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I just need to...


change...

My current favorite picture. Not sure why, exactly.

This is something that is really frustrating me, and this is the easiest way to get it off my chest. Copy and paste! For years now there's been this almost feud with my cousins over all the things that they haven't been a part of, etc etc. They may hate me forever now, but I am tired of my family being made out to be villains. And since Kelly reads this on a regular basis, this is the easiest way to vent to my sister!!

I am the only person who tries to arrange things, etc. And since my mom's health of been on the fristz for I dunno, 8 YEARS... you'd think they would get over themselves a little and meet me half way, but no! It's like pulling teeth just to get them to admit we're related, and it is seriously damaging me! It hurts, it hurts, it HURTS REALLY BAD!!!! And I am PISSED OFF!!!!!

So, again, I opened the lines of communication, sending Alana a message via MySpace. I said :


Hey there babe. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I guess I could wait forever for someone on your end to contact ME but i know it wouldn't happen. I know your dad isn't part of the picture, but I would love to still be your family. I miss you.

Alana wrote back :


I miss you too. And I hear your going through a rough time again. I'm sorry to hear that. I know our family doesn't keep in contact well, but there have been a lot of things that have hurt US! We dont feel like a part of your family. Never really have! Heck... we werent even invited to most of the reunions till the DAY of the reunions. How about Missy's wedding???? We sure as hell werent invited! Let alone KNOW about it till MAYBE a week in advance. I DO love you and I DO miss you! YOU corrie have always showed that you care! And I'm sorry I havent kept in contact with you as well as you have. I have so much bitterness towards certain members on my dads side of the family and Im sorry for taking it out (NOT DELIBERATELY) on you! I love you corrie and I hope we can keep in contact better. Right now I'm in illinois taking care of my grandma. I've been down here for a month and I dont know how much longer I will be here. But I will make sure to give you a call when Im back in town. Me and Eli's dad are no longer together and I'm back with my ex fiance Shane. My mom finds out tomorrow whether SHE has cancer or not and jerry is possibly leaving for the army when he graduates next month. Joey is on the verge of juvi. Britt is still fine and dandy(great auntie) J.D. is still a work-a-holic, and CJ keeps getting older, taller, and sassier every day. Eli is crawlin, climbin, teethin, squakin, and sayin Momma and hi. He just keeps getting a better and funnier personality every day. He's definately a lil monster but he's a good baby. So there's an update for you. Like I said.. I dont know too much of what's going on with your mom... but Im sorry your going through what you are. I can only imagine. but anyway... I have to get going. again.. love you and miss you... I guess I'll talk to you later.


Granted a portion of her reply was somewhat nice and easy going and 'oh Corrie I love you' it pissed me off! I am so tired of all this crap! They've been invited to EVERYTHING they just don't come! They blow me off! ARGH!! So I may have gone off a little bit, but...here's what I wrote back.


I didn't want to put this in a comment, but I did want to write to you. Alana, neither side can be justified. When it comes down to it, your dad is just crappy. Invitations for things were HIS responsibility. He said he had passed so many things along to you, but that you had all not wanted to go. We can only push so hard. YOu yourself call him a dead beat dad. Missy's invitations were sent to him, because NONE of you give us any forwarding information about where the heck you are. I have had to hunt you all down time and time again! I have worked my butt off trying to make you feel like part of MY family, (my invitations go without response most times) when all I get in return is shunning from yours.

I love and treasure each and every one of you. You all are very angry with your dad, and so are we. Please don't blame me or my family for his mistakes. Every event has had your names on it, and it's your dad's fault that you didn't know that. We don't always know how to get in contact with you.

My mom is very sick. She was clinically dead a few weeks ago and I had to call 911. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I left a message on your brother's voicemail. No one called back. I am reaching, and reaching, and reaching. YOu can hold grudges all you want, but when it comes down to it, none of you have been there for any of us through some of the most horrific traumatizing times imaginable. My mom has been holding onto threads for too long, and I've begged and begged for you guys to come and see her. I just don't understand.

We all used to be so close! It can't just be me doing this, it just can't. I hope and pray and pray and pray that your mom doesn't have to go through a fraction of what we've gone through. Please don't let it be cancer...it eats the entire family alive, and I promise you....when you reach out to people, they tend to run in the opposite direction. I know you all did. It hurts like hell.

My mom is sick, she couldn't visit you when Eli was born. She wanted to. Things happen in your lives, and we go uninformed. Grandma has boxes of Christmas gifts and grad presents, waiting for invitations that never came. She never gives up...you can hate her all you want for stupid reasons, but she is one of the strongest women I have ever met.

My family aside, I personally am hurt by your endless accusations of us hurting you. I have tried SO HARD to keep some sort of bridge going. Please let go of the hate and bitterness, you're directing it at the wrong people. This is your dad's fault. You know it, I know it, he knows it. We have always wanted you and your siblings around ALWAYS. STOP DOUBTING THAT!!! The hurt you've experienced will not be forgotten. You are loved, and you are cherished, and you are prayed for every single day.

YOu are my family. All of your siblings are my family. My invitations won't stop, so stop saying you're not invited. You always have been. If the invites never reached you, that can't be our fault anymore. We learned the hard way that your dad is not the person to go through. He's not much of a dad to you either.

I love your mom, and praise her for raising all of you on her own. She's a very strong woman. I've always loved spending time with her, and want to as much as I possibly can...but the communication is one way these days. I'm doing my best. Stop hating me, and start returning the favor, okay? I'll never settle for losing any of you.

I love you Alana. I love all of you. Please...if you have wanted so badly to be included as part of the family, why have you never acted as part of the family? The road goes both ways. Meet me halfway.

Corrie

Okay, the end. Now I'm going to bed angrily to stare at the wall, burning imaginary holes through things I can't see in the dark... ARGH! I am in some mood this evening. Watch out!

Me

Me and Andi at Applebee's celebrating after Sunnie's graduation from St. Paul College. Yay for Sunnie!!! She took the picture, haha. It was a fun night!

I listened to an old favorite in the car this morning. "Spy" by The Moffatts. It struck me in a way it hasn't in the past. It was really enjoyable, actually. I could feel my eyes glaze over as I listened to it again for the first time, as corny as that may sound. Scott has that unique sound that I've always adored, and just to listen really LISTEN to the words made me feel like I was figuring something out. It's repetitive and a little long, but every second of it made me love it even more.

Seen through a blur on the wall
I feel so disillusioned of it all
I spy on myself
Through that blur on the wall
I feel so connected to my faults

And it's me that I am spying on
Without seeing all the things gone wrong
and it's me I am crawling from

I was telling Andi last night that I didn't think this would be me. And by me, I mean that I am now someone completely different than I grew up thinking I would be. So many things happen in life that make that person you envisioned completely obsolete, and I know that. It was just so strange. I do feel like I'm spying on myself. Not on the person I used to be, but the new one... like she's someone I barely know. I'm crawling away from myself too, because it's almost like I'm scared of getting to know her.

There are things that are happening every day that are not things that would have happened in the past, without this new version ofmyself. Things that could have been disasters are only ant hills now. Or maybe that it's just that I am going "without seeing all the things gone wrong"... which is entirely possible as well.

Do I know what love is? Does anyone? One thing I know is that Andi doesn't love me, nor should he after such a short time. I think BJ loved me at one point, but stopped a very long time ago.

Do I know how to love? I have no idea. I'm scared of people. I don't know if I've ever let anyone as close as I'd like to think I have. I love from a distance if at all.

Amber mistakenly accused me of acting my way through life, because she had misunderstood something I had said. Maybe in the heat of her moment she got it right. Maybe I don't let things close enough to be real. They used to be real. The first time my mom was really sick everything hit harder than it does this time. Why is that? Because I'm too prepared? Or is it because I'm not allowing it to be real, and I'd rather fake happy? Am I faking or is it real? At this point anything is possible. I don't know who is who at the moment...as far as the versions of me go.

Who can I dump this burden on, of helping to figure me out? God, of course. But how do I know if I'm open enough to listen? Sometimes I feel like I'm straining so hard to hear an answer that has already arrived, and I missed it. I'm probably looking too hard for things that are right in front of my face. I'm gonna find it one day and feel so stupid...just like I did with all those darn "Where's Waldo" books. I never found him first, it was always Stina. EVERY single time! Hahaha. Ah, childhood. How I long for it at times!

Life is exhausting when you're old enough and aware enough to see everything that's wrong with it. Then you have to choose to look and live beyond your faults and the faults of those around you and actually enjoy yourself. That's even MORE exhausting, but EVERYONE does it. Then I guess doesn't EVERYONE act their way through life? Shakespeare is a genius. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Which part should I play now?

Act 23 scene 1.... this is a very long play.

Lights up, and... ACTION!



... now what?

Thank you everyone for your comments. I was afraid I would be met with a backlash of hatred. Of course, I remember you, Jenny. I've met you more than once. Yes, at BJ's house. Again at your dorm (in the hallway) at a coffee shop performance...of course I remember you.

And to Carolyn... I haven't read your journal in quite awhile, so I caught up the other day. I'm lucky to have spent more than just a couple of hours with you, like you earlier stated. You and Kris were the first people I met in person! (With Wesley, of course)The nice long drive home from Birmingham. Lots of fun stories! Then you spent that evening with me, first at BJ's house, then at your own. Quite awhile later we spent a whole afternoon/evening together again, chatting for hours, and then attempting to watch Evita complete with fine dining of fried chicken. (It was yummy! Thank you!!!) I don't mean to correct your "couple hours" but just wanted to point out how much I enjoyed every last minute I spent with you.

And to BJ-- thank you for wanting me to be happy. I am. Sad that things had to end, and ultimately change for the better...but I know that we're doing the right thing. YOu were the first person to see me in that way, and you opened my eyes and my heart to a world of new adventures and possibilities. You are my treasure for that. Thank you, my darling friend.

And to Kelly -- you are my rock. I'm sorry for trying to push you down the side of the mountain. I should have known you were stronger than that. (And usually smarter than me...) I'm excited to exist in a mutual world! I love you!

To Andi-- who I don't think reads this at all but whatever... I'm excited to get to know you even better! Life is smiles with you.

And to everyone else-- THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!

Always,

ME

Hello world! I love movie scores. I just wanted to say that. (as I blast the soundtrack to "The Holiday" from my meager computer speakers...) It's some of the best music I've ever heard! I love it.

Life changes dramatically. I didn't mean to sound cheerful before delivering this news, but... I AM happy. And in some weird way this news is a part of that happiness.

BJ and I are no longer together. (As of awhile ago) In my opinion our relationship ended A LONG time ago, and I was holding onto it for all the wrong reasons. For months I would try to slip in "let's just be friends" and couldn't do it, the fear of being alone too overwhelming to even take a glimpse of a future without someone beside me.

Neither BJ or I were exactly happy, but were both willing to overlook that for the sake of the other. I honestly truly feel like our relationship aside from friendship was over a very very long time ago.

I don't say this to hurt BJ, it's just a truth I tried to ignore for a very long time. BJ was aware of it, seeing as how this past September he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. He changed his mind, and quite frankly I never got over it. I never trusted him again. It put an endless strain on the relationship...whatever it was.

I care about BJ and will always love him as a friend, but the romantic feelings twindled away slowly but surely. As much as I hate to admit it, I was miserable. I kept trying to make excuses, but I knew I KNEW that it wasn't right. I knew we weren't meant to be together. It was almost like God was beating me over the head with answers, and I just kept trying to shush him. Shushing Jesus! I wouldn't recommend it.

BJ was a good friend when he was able, but overall going through so many traumatic events...I needed someone to be here. The timing is awkward, but wonderful. I met someone.

I know this would ultimately hurt BJ, but I hope he too can move on and move forward with the REAL woman God has chosen for him. I know now that that woman wasn't me. I don't know if the new man in my life is the one for me either, but I'm willing to find out.

There are a lot of people out there who think that BJ is a saint, God's gift...but all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I can't tell you how many threats I've received from people "If you ever hurt him..." Well, by letting go of him, I'm saving him, I promise. This didn't happen as fast as it seems. I tried changing things and moving on too many times to count, but let fear get in the way. When I finally ended it, I felt like both he and I could breathe easy, knowing that there would be no more forced conversations, conceiling true thoughts and feelings. It was then that I felt lighter, newer, and different. In a good way! It was then that God opened my eyes to things that had been in front of me for far too long.

BJ and I remain friends, although I don't know how much of that will change after he reads this. We had a lot of bad memories, and a lot of good ones too. I'll focus on the good as I head out on this exciting new journey! I can't even tell you how excited I am about all of it. The new projects, new endeavors, new firsts. I'm actually giddy for the first time in a very long time. I feel real.

BJ, you and I learned a lot from each other. I hope that what you said to me was right. At the time you originally said it, it cut like a knife. But I really do think you were right when you said "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." So thank you for your honesty. I don't plan on cutting you out of my life, but I can't imagine you wanting to know too much right now. I know how much it can hurt, because we already experienced it once before. But this time, I think you know too that we're doing the right thing.

ANYWAY-- uncle Randy just got here from Tennessee, and I have some catching up to do!!

Love ya'll! G'night!

My uncles are arriving any day, and I am very excited about it! It will be good to have them here. My world is changing rapidly, and my mom is slowly returning to how she was before the nightmare last Sunday. Everything is so crazy with work though... Jason has been amazing covering my shifts and giving me time. I've had a lot of time to cry, to think, to strategize in some form... my mind is such a mess most days.

Two of the most amazing people are Ale and Jeremy, covering a LOT of shifts while Amber and I are both gone. Amber is on her honeymoon, whereas I am simply trying to not go insane. There are lovely things in life that I would almost call distractions, but they're not really. They ARE life. I don't just need distractions from the life I'm actually living, I'm discovering the life I've always wanted to live. That's incredibly exciting!

Every once in awhile I find myself drifting away, staring off into space thinking of everything and nothing. Thoughts just float on by, running across my mind in rapid succession. Then there will be the calming voice of reason asking what I'm thinking about, and the thoughts scatter, and I can't remember anymore. No matter how honest I feel, words still get trapped. I still can't say everything out loud. I'm afraid of the consequences.

Well, that's really all I've got to say for now. It doesn't matter if it makes any sense! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! That was my evil laugh.

Until necxt time then. Farewell!

THEY'RE NOT TUMORS! Praise God. There are spots caused by certain medications she's taking. NOTHING growing on the brain is good, but this is not as terrifying, and possibly treatable. She's having a lot of issues still, but there's more hope than there was before.

I really don't have much else to say, so we'll just leave it at that.

Thank you all for the well wishes, prayers and what not. All is appreciated! Especially Nikki. Hearing from you feels the best, it really does!! Probably because you're the furthest away. Hope to hear from you again soon!

Bye all.

You almost feel guilty when you find smiles in the midst of agony. Just yesterday I was pondering a question. What happens when you see directly in front of you everything you want in life? There's this horrific fear that you just won't be able to have it. So what happens? You take it, you revel in it, and you smile. Ah! It feels so good to smile! To smile and MEAN it!!

Mom is still down in the dumps. My uncles will be arriving this weekend, and I can't wait. Their wisdom astounds me at times. They'll be here to help with some of the heavy lifting. I can't wait to just...relax. That might sound terrible to some of you, but I haven't breathed in deep for a very, very long time.

More later. BYE!!!!!!!!

This roller coaster is too crazy to continue.

Sunday afternoon/evening my mom got a serious headache and began vomiting continually. She was forgetting names, words, and meanings.

My dad assumed the headache and nausea were the result of a terrible migraine. She was disoriented and confused.

Around 1:45 am my dad felt a jerk next to him in the bed. He turned on the light, my mom was having a seizure and her eyes were rolled back in her head. She was coughing out blood before she stopped breathing altogether. My dad screamed for help and I dialed 911. My dad performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. My mom was rushed to the hospital.

She was kept under with a breathing tube for a very long time. It wasn't until early this morning (Tuesday) That we even found out what was wrong.

There are multiple little tumors in my mom's brain. The only way to treat them is with extensive radiation. She's still very confused and disoriented, hugging doctors because she thinks they're related to her. She is not in high spirits, and to be perfectly honest I think the time for her to go home to heaven is a lot closer than some of us would like to admit. She doesn't want to die, and my dad thinks he has absolute control over everything, completely leaving God out of the equation.

Life sucks. There's not much else to say. My prayer is simple. I don't want to lose my mom, but if she is suffering... I want it to be over. I want for the Lord to just take her home.

You know my prayer. Choose your own, but please do pray.

I've watched the cursor blink for over fifteen minutes now. Is it because I have nothing to write about? Doubtful. Is it because I don't know WHAT to write about? Possible.

I've written three different paragraphs by now, and keep deleting them. The WHAT is really taking over my head right now. Here's another question. WHAT am I doing? In life, in love...

BJ is not moving to Minnesota. Now what? We're waiting for a someday. I'll be honest. I don't want to wait for someday. I'm alone NOW. I've tried to somewhat break-up with BJ about three times now. Every time I get close I break down into tears and take it all back. Why am I doing it in the first place? Maybe because it's better. But maybe it isn't. The thing that crushes me is when he asks me that same question over and over again. "Is that what you want?" I can hear him hold his breath waiting for my answer. I've searched my head, I've searched my heart. I don't know what I want anymore. I try to turn to God to gain wisdom on not what I WANT but what I NEED. I don't think I am either willing or able to listen for the answer. My head just won't clear.

I figured out part of it last night. BJ was going to move regardless of his financial situation. He's more willing to take the risk of having to give up and go home if it meant spending a little more time together. I, however told him that would break my heart. That THAT goodbye would kill me. So he's taken my advice and decided not to make a move until he's financially stable. Sounds responsible. And in all honesty it was my idea. Doesn't mean I like it! But maybe I do..

I know BJ and I know that the move...if it ever happens will be very far off. So that's why I feel like I'm trying to let him go. One thing I know and feel in my heart is that he wouldn't be happy here. I can see him getting severely homesick. He's never lived anywhere but Montgomery. He's never lived without his family. I can't ask him to give all of that up...because what will undoubtedly happen is he will have to choose, and it won't be me. His circumstances will slowly lead to his resentment of me, and my mutual resentment of him for resenting me!

One of us has to give up everything we've ever known. I tried that once, and I failed miserably. Now it's come to the point where I realistically CANNOT move. My itty bitty family needs me here. What now? WHAT now?

I can't give him up. I tried, and the pain was unbearable. He's my best friend. But a long distance relationship only works if it's not long distance indefinitely. Kelly's getting prepared to have a daunting long distance relationship, and she's scared. But Tim's absence promises a return, whereas BJ's is a someday. A maybe. A we'll see. I want to think that I'll be able to set a really good example for Kelly, and how to handle everything. But I know her, I know me...and I just don't know if I could say or do anything to prove that YES! This will work for you, it's easy! It's not. It sucks. It breaks your heart over and over again. Every morning I wake up and then I have to realize AGAIN that I can't see the one person I want the most, and my heart breaks again. The pain never dulls, it gets sharper.

When I first fell in love with BJ all of this was easier. He was my first love, so everything was new! It didn't matter as much how much of a distance was between us, as long as we loved each other.

Now with life and circumstances how they are...it matters more and more and more. I NEED him here. He NEEDS me there. And neither of us can make it happen for the other. Now what? NOW WHAT????

Our conversations have become surface and unengaging. if we pull back that easy layer there's a sea of darkness, sadness, pain and DRAMA. It all seems so unnecessary, and somehow unavoidable. So we keep it simple. Every once in awhile there's a crack in the surface, and I'm usually the first one to fall through it. Those falls seem more frequent lately with things being how they are.

It's a tough world when your mom comes into your room in the middle of the night seeking comfort. Suddenly you're the parent, and your mother the child. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that role reversal. Even me! Who experienced it too many times the last time we all went through this. She craves peace, but I still feel like the child, and I will never have enough knowledge to fix it. She says her focus is on the Lord, but I don't think she is being truthful. Her focus is on her fears, and they are completely controlling her every thought. I'm a lot like my Mama.

Yesterday she laughed, got dressed, and spent the day out with a friend, getting her hair done. The tears I cried yesterday afternoon were the first ones with a happy motivation behind them. She was smiling from ear to ear. The first smiles I've seen that didn't transform into frowns and sobs a minute later. I pray they stay.

This journal is too often overcome with melancholy... but this is the only place i have to get it out without interruption. If I'm speaking I have to defend every word I say. Something is almost an argument. There's peace in writing. I wish I could do it more often.

until then...

Hello world! Quick update before I head off to work. Mom came home from the hospital yesterday. She's still fairly doped up, but overall doing pretty good. She gets to be on dialysis three times a week, so that's fun! We have to monitor her liquids very closely!

She has no kidneys...which just amazes me. God made us so we can function with parts of our bodies missing. Incredible! That, and the technological advances he helped out with to insure that the body could do just that. It's just hard to imagine. One day we hope that she will be able to find a kidney donor, but until then...we've kinda got our work cut out for us! But it's so worth it when it means no more cancer!

IN other news, I am now brunette. Sunnie and I both get kinda down when the parents are gone (weird, I know) So Saturday night, we had the place to ourselves, and could have gone WILD... instead we went to Cub and bought Mom some grape juice and me a box of light brown hair dye. When I get down and restless, I have to change something. Most often times that change becomes my bedroom, but I just did that...so I changed my hair instead.

Anyway! Here's the photographic evidence!




So that's all for now. More later! A bientot! Au Revoir! Later Taters! See ya! Time to go to work...indeed! *sigh* I am sleepy, therefore I sigh... goodbye!

When I have time, I hope to re-cap the entire week that BJ was here. Until then, I will leave you with a FANTASTIC picture! BJ recovered it from my almost dead cell phone, and it's a true treasure. He then used a beloved program of his to get it off said phone, onto my lap top, which he then e-mailed to himself on my dad's comp, so dad could print it off so we could frame it (with a frame BJ bought) to give to mom as a pick-me-up.

Without further ado...I give you Captain Jack and my Mama!!




Until next time friends, farewell!

I shall start out by saying, thank GOD B.J. is here!! It's been vital!

After mom's initial diagnosis, they rediagnosed her with a much more grim possibility. The cancer was worse than they had thought. If it had spread further than the kidney and into the bones, it was terminal, and there would be nothing they could do. My mom had a bone scan the other day, and we recieved the results this afternoon.

IT HASN'T SPREAD!!!!!!

Praise the LORD! Now, they will still have to remove mom's one remaining kidney, and she will be on dialysis for quite a few years. They have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE there is no cancer anywhere in her body before they even consider the possibility of a donor.

It's not gonna be fun, but it is SOOO much better than terminal cancer! Thank you to everyone for the prayers. We all know prayer works, and my mom, my family and I will once again be gracious recipients of those marvelous happenings!

So, that's the update for now. BJ and I have been having a blast...being in love and all that jazz! Kelly is in New York living it up and hopefully buying me lots of cool stuff because I couldn't go!!!!!!!!! Hahaha.

Later taters! Love ya!

-Me!

They found new cancer on my mom's remaining kidney. Right now it's operable, but still serious. There's also something that looks like a kinda scary blood clot. She's in good spirits. She's happy they caught it early, and she doesn't feel sick like she did last time.

Please keep my mom in your prayers. She only has the one kidney! So far it hasn't spread, and let's pray it stays that way!!

I love that...when you're laughing too hard to stand up. It's the best medicine in the world!

ANYWAY! Happy Sunday all! Off to church, and then to granny's. Lovely! My stomach hurts, though. Blah. I went to Red Robin last night for the first time, with Sunnie, Paul, Mom and Dad. It was fun! I really liked it. But I filled up on the unlimited steak fries and bites of everyone else's food before taking a bite of my own.

Work is good. BJ IS HERE IN 2 WEEKS! And now...I'm gonna finish getting dressed!

BYE!

Star Wars Horoscope for Sagittarius

You are superbly wise and have been known to spread your wisdom widely. You are impatient and pushy when people take your teachings too lightly. And your philosophical side always peeks through. Star wars character you are most like: Yoda

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Well...let's see. I have a lot to say I think...we'll see what happens. We are no longer going to New York. I think it's a good thing though. Kelly is instead going by herself, because she can actually afford to do it. BJ and I are spending the week doing stuff around good ol' WBL. He can see where I work now, we can do the things we didn't have time for in the past...I think it's valuable. Had we decided on going to New York, we wouldn't have been able to spend one single second on our own. With our relationship being how it is, that alone time is kinda crucial right now. He gets here March 25th! I can't wait!

FLC is finally getting the drama program up and running. They're gonna let me call it Plan See! The website will have a real function! Color me excited! It's gonna be a lot of work, but I am so ready for it!

The new job at Dunn Bros. is working out pretty well. For awhile I wasn't so sure. It's really awesome to see Amber on a regular basis, but there were a few very resistant employees. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. There were a lot of rumors and crazy accusations flying around, and I was actually being referred to as the "NAZI"!!! Isn't that hilarious? To anyone who knows me...it's quite funny. And it was all just rumors! None of them had actually worked with me! They would trade their shifts because they were too afraid! I laugh. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Last night I went back to work three hours after my shift to help Amber with the price adjustments on all the menu boards. It was fun just hanging out and stuff like that, but after awhile some awkward subjects came into the conversation. For quite awhile now, Amber has been filling me in on the latest goings on with her wedding. I couldn't be happier for her! Of course...I wish it were me...but that's just how it goes. Talk of bridesmaid dresses, her maid of honor, the invitations, the napkins, the flower girl... and then there's me, wishing that I would have meant more to her to have been involved in all of it. But I've done the same thing with Amber that I've done with every other friend I've ever had.

I like to pretend that we're closer than we are. Sometimes I just sit by myself and think about all the people I've ever known in my entire life...and put them in a mental list. Where do they fall on how close we really are? How much can I depend on them? How much can they depend on me? Amber has told me all about her maid of honor, Bridget. She is the most loyal person Amber has ever known. No matter what, Bridget is there for her friends. I thought about me...and how I am with my friends. I'd like to think I'm a Bridget...but I've never had anyone test that theory. No one has ever been close enough.

For weeks now I've just pushed agonizing thought aside, and was residing happily in the idea that I was being included at all! But then Amber decided to tell me that she really DOES want me to be involved, and has wanted me to be involved... but didn't know how or in what capacity. Also that even before I worked with her, she was hoping I would. She knew that both managers could not just disappear for a weekend for a wedding. Maybe she thought that by asking, I would have turned down the job to preserve my "friend status" in her wedding.

I've always had a hard idea that I could ever be a somebody to anybody. She asked me who I think I am, and why I think I'm a nobody, and the best I could come up with was "I'm just me" as if that would justify why I truly whole heartedly believe that I have no astounding quality about myself that would make me absolutely necessary to anyone...in any function!

I can't stress enough how heart breaking it was to attend...just ATTEND Lurae's wedding. I was once her very best friend. Granted I was replaced time and time again...but to have just been a guest...? I couldn't breathe through the entire ceremony. I practically broke BJ's hand trying to keep it all down, deep inside. Wear the smile, hide the sob. I know it will be the same with Nikki. I was an extremely relevant SOMEBODY to her at one point...and I will be a guest at best.

I hold onto people too tight. Even when they are done with me completely...I still feel left out. I still remember every detail of how it was and think about how it would have could have been. I've tried to figure out what it is about me that makes me such a temporary fixture in people's lives.

When I told Amber that I was just me...a nobody to most, she reminded me that I was a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend...and my mind had an instant rebuttal to every objection. I am a daughter. No matter how many times I have introduced myself to extended family members, I am known strictly as Penny's daughter. I am a sister. To this DAY there are people in every single aspect of my life that refer to me as not Corrie, but as Sunnie's sister. Kelly's sister. Why even try? I am a girlfriend. It wasn't long ago that that identity was completely compromised, when BJ fought with the idea that he no longer loved me. I was almost a nobody to him as well.

I'm not as down and out as all that. I have healthy attitudes about many different avenues...it's when these thoughts are brought up by someone else, that I find it difficult to escape. Hence the writing. Get it out, and get it done.

To become a somebody, I have left the nobody behind. I've lived in different states, looking for consistent validation. Living alone in Opelika probably lead to the demise of the Alabama endeavor, simply because I was exactly that! Alone. I used to boast my ability to entertain myself. I loved the quiet. Not anymore... I enjoy "down time" but being involved in a long distance relationship really heightens your sense of loneliness.

I've also started projects that involve no one who has ever made me feel invisible. It's just me! FLC drama program...no drama allowed? Ha! That would be funny.

One tough pill to swallow is that some of the things I always counted on, are just never going to happen. When I moved to WBL in 4th grade, I imagined having a best friend like I did in Roseville. Call each other every single day, spend the night every weekend... grow up together. Like in the books and movies I always adored growing up. That way, everyone would always have a someone! No one would ever be alone. So many times, I've watched Nikki and company par-tay across the street. It's not always strictly family, as I've seen fellow ex-best friend LuRae frequent many Grandparent hosted occasions. One day, while listening to them laugh...I thought to myself. "Oh well...maybe later" A good thought. A comforting thought. A common thought. It was then I realized that later had already happened. My chance for that kind of friendship is already gone. It was really depressing. *laughs*

Slowly but surely other realizations have brought themselves upon me. While listening to Amber talk about her big day, it's come to my attention that I'll never be a maid of honor. I'm not that ONE person to anyone. Kelly might say I am, but I'm her sister. It just isn't...the same. Before I left for Alabama, Amber and I agreed that had we known each other beforehand...we very well could have been best friends. But that's the story of me! Could have been...

This isn't all about Amber. This is every relationship I've ever had! Growing up...I never really changed. So I got boring. That's my explanation anyway. Best friend Sarah traded me in time and time again. I lost count of the GIGANTIC arguments we've had over the years. She would come around and ask me to forgive her, and I would, and we'd be pals again...for awhile. But she moved on to a completely different lifestyle...one that I would never fit into.

Nikki is a world traveler, and no matter how many times she complained about the hurt LuRae seemed to inflict on her, they remain best friends to this day. Each other's maids of honor. (Nikki might argue that her sister will be her MOH, but I guarantee LuRae will be heavily be involved. I however, will make the guest list. That's just the way it is.) Granted they've both grown up... they were different people back then.

When mom got sick everyone disappeared, and it was my turn to trade up and trade in. I went to the ever popular theater crowd. When I realized they were actors on AND off the stage, they all shunned me for eternity. Oh well...I think I like it better that way. I couldn't deal with disappointing them day in and day out with my tragically mundane personality. And I am not good at pretending to be THAT girl.

After said sickness...I never recovered. I have trust issues to the max, and will never quite be able to figure out anyone true intentions. I'm always looking for a back story...and probably missing the big picture altogether. I'm cursed!

I have BJ...and after our crash and burn in September...I'm still trying to walk straight. Every day is a struggle to try to look past the past. I love him.

Well...now that a new mini novel has presented itself...I think I will now go shower, and shake all these deep thoughts out of my brain. Time for work soon. I need to re-adopt the happy go lucky Corrie. The funny one. Nobody likes the deep one. We learned that lesson in the teenage years, didn't we Corrie? Yes we did. Notice the lack of poetry journals. Ha! Good thing I wrote in pencil. They're almost completely rubbed away now. That's one version of me I'm honestly glad is invisible.

TTFN.

SO! Lots has happened. BJ did a good job summing up some stuff. Check out his livejournal. (Link to the right) Aside from that, I am no longer a Caribou employee...and at the moment, no longer a Lakeshore Players employee. I am now the new assistant manager of Dunn Bros. in Hugo. Laugh all you want! At least I didn't go back to the same store! AND...the benefits are nice. AND...I get to work with AMBER!!!! She's technically my boss, but...she's also like...my bestest pal! So it's GREAT!

What else is going on? Oh yeah. Kelly, BJ and I are driving to New York at the end of March. I think. Money is up in the air, travel accomodations yet to be made. Although we would be staying with the Pomeroys for FREE so that's fantastic.

I don't feel as dead anymore, working the 12 hours. I'm sure the money will be less, but I've only been doing it for a week. We'll see what happens!

And now, since I have nothing better to do... I shall post a random picture!


That's Cairo getting a bath! So that's all folks! I shall be more interesting later.

Weirdness in the air....do do do do do, weirdness everywhere.... what, you can't hear the melody in my head? Well, that's just too bad for you then!

I am so overly tired. And it's only TUESDAY! This week will be different. Friday is that day where I get older. Then there's next week. I leave for Alabama on Thursday. Then it's MERRY CHRISTMAS with BJ!! Our first together. It will be...good to experience it.

I really don't have all that much to say other than how much my inner narrations can amuse me. I wish my thoughts were audible at times, just so they could be recorded and recognized by somebody else. Then everyone would know the TRUTH about me! Yikerby! But that would be hilarious.

So that's all I've got. 24 minutes and counting until this work day is over.

Later taters!!

Photos from the JAMES LAFFERTY event!

First, the Man himself!




Then, the lovely autographed sweatshirt!!




And last, but not least, just because I was SOOO disgusted,... The mall was SO busy, they had no one there to empty the trash! If you think this is bad, you should have seen the food court floor! AHHHH!




That's all for now! Bye!

BLAH! I'm exhausted. Just thought I'd share. The hilarity of yesterday has worn off. But if you could have seen where I found the tablecloth. And if you could have witnessed Sunnie bashing her face into a window! (No, Sunnie...it WASN'T rolled down...) then you would understand why it was so hysterical.

But today...today is blah. Filled to the brim with blahness. I haven't written in awhile. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I'll write. Honesty seems all too frequent with exhaustion is ever lurking. It manipulates your brain into thinking it's perfectly fine to say whatever is on your mind. You would find me wondering the strangest of strange things. That is, if I said EVERYTHING that was on my mind.

I'm a good person. A nice person. A worthwhile person? Some say yes. I like those people. My eyes are heavy. Maybe I'll just take them out. Then I don't have to see anymore! I don't seem to appreciate the beauties like I used to. I need new ones. Sights unseen! Unseen to me, and that's all that matters.

I scared someone again with my memory today. I'm cursed. Or everyone who has ever had any contact with me whatsoever is cursed. Either way works, I guess.

So now that I've written an entry about absolutely NOTHING... I guess I should "get back to work"...seeing as how "work" right now consists of little else than staring blankly at the odd shade of blue adorning the box office walls. I thought the phone would be ringing off the hook! This is the only day we're open this week. Interesting, yes? I enjoy the idea! I get to go sleep after Caribou! And Thanksgiving is an all day off-er. YES!!! Time to watch the parade and preview all the new Broadway shows. Why am I more excited about these things than Kelly every year?

Side note...or side ramble, rather. I took Sunnie on November 11th to meet her heartthrob, James Lafferty. I'm the BEST sister ever! Well, I was that day at least. Complete with severe digestion issues. We need not go there...but God Bless IHOP! (I've never been there before... I bet the food is good. All I experienced was the throne of sweet relief!) ---gross Corrie.

So! There it is, folks. Christmas is coming up, and it will be my first without my family. A new family, rather...will I be spending it with. Me and BJ will be celebrating our first Christmas together. He has quite a few romantic things planned for us. I haven't seen him since the hiccups, so I'm looking forward to letting go of it all once and for all...I can't wait to heave that giant sigh of relief when everything reveals itself to be as it should be! There's no real reason to think that shouldn't happen. I'm optimistic!

So now I go. Goodbye then!

Silly, but I had to...

Corrie
&
Robert

90% Compatible

♥ Corrie and Robert have been romantically-together for awhile now, indicating a degree of compatibility. Similar personality descriptions are a plus. Their shared faith will help form a bond between them. They both abstain from drinking, so that helps compatibility. However, their astrological signs are not in harmony. But their views on children are similar. Overall, Corrie and Robert are highly compatible. They are capable of having a beautiful relationship together. ♥

The Dating Compatibility Test by Dating Diversions

Greetings and Salutations! Happy Birthday to my Mother! Oh, yes. It is that day. I got home from the Bou this morning, and she was less than happy. Quite teary eyed by the fact that Grandpa used to call her on her birthday every year while she drank her morning coffee. It became my mission to cheer her, so I gave her one of three presents, and danced along with the "Happy Birthday Dancing Hampster".... DEFINITELY got a laugh! Woot woot!

So I work a lot, and I'm tired. And it's snowing! It's not staying on the ground yet, but it's getting there. Certainly seems cold enough to stick! But we're not there yet.

Another possible roommate situation has come up...we'll see what happens with that. I'm not so sure.

We're going to Olive Garden tonight! I've been wanting to go there since I was in Alabama. We failed that mission, but here we are! The time has come! We go every year for Mom's birthday. Last year I treated Mom AND Dad. I'm nice. This year...I shall treat myself and no one else! Go me!!!!!!!!!!

This is truly a pointless entry. I miss people. I miss BJ, I miss Jessi. I miss Nikki. I miss my head when it's NOT aching! Does that count? I think so!

So that's all I got for now. Except a question. How can anyone watch someone they love get hurt, contribute to that hurt, and then shrug it off saying it has no affect on themselves? I'll never understand that...never ever ever never ever.

Over and out -- me

This picture was taken the last time my mom saw Grandpa. I miss him.

I'm sick and miserable. I'm miserable and sick! My throat is closing up, and my nose is running, and I have to have customers hold on the phone whilst I blow the crapload of snot out of my nose. It all came on like a tsunami! I didn't see it coming! This morning I sniffed a bit...but I always do! I blew my nose like I always do! It's called allergies! And now I'm miserable. Sick and miserable. Miserable and sick! BAH!

ANYWAY... life is etting back to its mundane cycle of blahness. It's shaken up by the occasional rude customer, or "Caroline Antic". She cracks me up... The things she says! We laugh. it is good.

There have been struggles lately. Struggles worth working on, things worth fighting for. I just wish everything didn't have to be so hard! BAH AGAIN!

There is a Sheltie kidnapper on the loose! Laugh all you want, it's true. Five shelties have disappeared from my neighborhood in the last year. (3 in the last few months...It's on the news!!) We're a prime target! Most of them have disappeared from parks and whatnot... and we're lazy and don't take our dogs places that often. They run around in circles in our square of a backyard and sexually confuse each other. It's true! Or maybe it's just Cody...but he's trying to take Cairo down with him. It's the truth! So...we love our doggies. Don't take them, Sheltie napper! Cody will bite you. Darla will flog you. Winnie will spew her rancid breath in your general direction and knock you out cold. Cairo will love you to death.

One hour to go here at the Lakeshore Players. Tonight are the auditions for "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." I wanted so badly to be the White Witch and traumatize all the small children! Woe is me... the majority of the performances take place during box office hours, because it's the "Holiday Show" and they do school matinees. BOO! That means I have to do my JOB!! Once more with feeling.... BAH BAH BAH! Heheh...bah bah black sheep...no not really.

Is it wrong to find your younger brother attractive? Not in a "I'm attracted to him" kind of way, but the way that says I can appreciate the fact that he is good looking AND related to me! He looks nothing like me...he just got a haircut, and he looks like a man. That's better than a boy...that's a man. Manly man.

Everything in life right now, feels slippery. Does that make sense? Everytime you think you've got a firm hold on something, you slip a little. You don't necessarily lose it, you just slide around, and you can't stay still, no matter how hard you try. Things keep changing and slipping around on you. Like those water snake toys. Those things drive me crazy! You squeeze them, and they slip away that much easier. Argh. So...don't hold on too tight, or too loose. Find the happy medium! Go with the flow! Enjoy the slip n' slide. Sooner or later you get to the cool splash down pool, right? Only if you're on the Crocodile Mile. Dude, I wanna be a kid again. A kid who was so NOT self conscious, who would slip and slide her life away in a bathing suit...who now wears a tent so she can hide. I love childhood. Boo-hoo. Cry cry.

My throat hurts. Really hurts. I keep gagging because it feels like I'm choking on throat chunks. I don't know what that might be...throat chunks. Sounds gross though! The sides of my throat swell into chunkiness, and then they touch, and my throat thinks it's choking, and it gags. GAG! See? It just happened.

I love you, BJ. Please prove me wrong.

I'm gonna go make me some more honey water. Ouchness. Bye.

-ME!!!!!

This has been a terrible week, and it isn't even over yet. One more day, then back to work. I don't even know what to do anymore.

The funeral was beautiful, and terrible. So many tears. I don't even know how to describe it. Every breath hurt. It was a different kind of pain. I had to keep reminding myself that he was actually gone. There was no casket, only pictures. I had to keep looking at the pictures to remember who I was supposed to be remembering. It couldn't be my Grandpa! He's invincible. He's a rock. People knew him as a brother, as a father, and as a cousin, or a husband. No one spoke about him as a Grandpa. I wanted to stand up there and tell them he did magic. That he amazed me! He was my hero. He always told me I was beautiful, and he was the only person who ever said that that I truly wanted to believe.

I have a lot of memories of my Grandpa, and since I was his grandchild, they were only good memories. I didn't know him as the once upon a time alcoholic... I knew him as GRANDPA! At least that's what we would all scream when he would pull up in his town car.

He used to live close. Then he moved to Arizona. That's why it's hard to believe he's gone. I didn't get to see him more than once a year... but I treasured those times.

He took me home with him once. 3 day road trip. I got to eat refried beans for breakfast in Sedona. He took me in the desert to collect junk. We found a lot. We made a sculpture. I was the only grandchild to do it, but that's because I adored him, and I invited myself. I weaseled my way into the position of importance. Being one of 5 kids, it's hard to feel special to a relative...so I would make THEM feel special, and I became the favorite. The forced favorite, but the favorite nonetheless.

I was also a big fan of "Grandma Isabelle" Grandpa's third wife. No one compares to my Grammy, but Isabelle takes the place of my crappy Grandma on the other side. (Killmers) She was with Grandpa through his last breath. I hate cancer.

When I saw Isabelle at the funeral, she teared up and wrapped her arms around me. "There she is. There's my girl. I've been waiting for this...my dear sweet Corrie. I love you so much. Your Grandpa loved you so much. It is so good to see your beautiful face." I wept, reminding her that she was still my Grandma, and she held me closer. She cried, sobbing that she had loved him so much... we all did.

I still can't believe it happened. There was something I was depending on to get me through this week, and it seems that may be slipping through the cracks. I guess I wouldn't know.

I'm out of ideas, but hey... I'm a creative person. I'll just have to start over. I'll get over it. The pain will subside eventually. GOOD ATTITUDE! Yes.

I drew a blue dot on Cody's nose. I'm not sure why...I'm not sure why he LET me do it. Now he looks like he has a bruise, after running around in the rain.

I'm watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy. I'm learning a lot from Meredith's relationships. She has a lot of good things to say in her opening and closing narrations. Sounds like I could have written them myself.

So...I guess that's all for now. Have a memory or a thought about my grandpa? Leave it here:

http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?ID=GB19227314


That's all for now. I feel like I broke something inside... I need glue. The chocolate kind?

-Me

You are Mahogany

Stable and decisive, you lack the hyper energy of most orange colors. You're still energetic, but you tend to project a peaceful, relaxed vibe. You love to feel cozy. You often rather wrap up in a blanket than go out for the night.

What Color Orange Are You?

I'm killing myself. Not intentionally. But it's happening. THe working all the time seems to help distract me at times from the things I don't want to face, but sooner or later you have to face them all.

I've found a few other distractions. Some I'm not as proud of as others. I wish I were writing more like I promised Grandpa I would. I screw up a lot. Really a lot. I don't have anything to write about. I'm ashamed of my recent mistakes. I let a situation change me, and I don't know how to get back to where I started. I know the blame belongs to me as well, because I let the lies present themselves as truth. That was all me. I just wanted so badly to feel different. Get the numbness out. Feel things.

Now I just want to be numb again. I've gone through the majority of my life missing people. Perhaps that's why it seemed so natural to pursue a relationship with BJ. Maybe because I knew if he was around me all the time, every day...he would realize that much sooner that he didn't want me.

Of course that's most likely a delusion. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. My thoughts are extensive. They eat me alive. They take away reality. I'm filled to the brim with "what ifs". How do you banish those ideas? By pursuing reality. Well... here's my reality.

I work from 3:45 am to 6pm. I know there are thousands of people who work more than that. Doctors rarely even go home! I learned that from SCRUBS and Grey's Anatomy. Yup. I'm television educated. I know how to solve crimes, treat patients, and cheat on people. GOOD things to know. Riiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhht. So anyway, back to reality.

I work a lot. So does everyone. Check. Got it. The only people I see day to day are co-workers. Co-workers who all seem to be best friends. Amber says that that's because I don't push hard enough, that it takes two to tango. I told her she was right...and I'm still looking for my dance partner. I get invited to things I plan! Because I invite myself. I'm a lonely, miserable person. I'm a pathetic human being. I get so angry sometimes. Mainly at myself. But I don't want to reduce myself to the "Can I come?" pushing on in. Come on! You know you want me! No... no. I know I want THEM.

So when I'm not working, I'm sleeping. Which presents the reasons why I hadn't eaten anything in three days. I completely forgot! Don't worry. I'm still a chub chub. Even if I had deliberately stopped eating, I would still gain weight.

I complain a lot on here, I do. But who else do I complain to? You got to get it out somehow. Critique all you want. Think bad things about me. I'll never know, and you'll never tell me! All's well in the world.

So the long and short of my reality. I don't exist. Not to me, not to others. I'm just...there. I tell funny jokes and sing pretty songs. I'm the voice that interrupts your conversations. It's not always welcome, but always amusing. I talk to BJ for a bit before bed. He's my best friend. We say we're more than that. I want to be everything to him. He says I am. I wish I was.

I want to be in love. I want to feel it all. It's been determined...by myself...that I suck at long distance relationships, and yet I have no other options. What does that mean? That I choose to be miserable? I guess it does. Years and years ahead of me. I made the move, the move didn't work. I'm reminded of a song! Neither me or anyone i know is Madeleine, and yet..."Whoa, oh Madeleine! Here we go round' again! You know it, I know it, don't try to pretend! You know it could be so much better than it's been. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh here we go round' again!" I hope it's better..."This time around!" BWa-ha-ha. Thank you Hanson. I adore you.

BJ makes me happy. He's the beginning and the end of my thoughts each day. But we've got a mountain to climb. I'm just afraid I'm not strong enough. I'll fall down and get smashed on the bottom, and he'll go on without me. I'll still be tied to him...for safety reasons of course, so he'll drag me up to the top behind him...eventually. Our eventually is years away. It used to be closer...but now that he's got all that dead weight attached to him, it's gonna take longer. Life was carefree...a quick jaunt up a mountain side! Now it's a mission. Have to finish school, have to get a job, have to be financially secure...all for the better of the carcass hanging at the end of his rope. BAH! Maybe I'm ruining him. I just want it to be my turn to be taken care of. Maybe that's selfish. It probably is.

So I've rambled enough today. Yesterday I went to the Renaissance Festival. I introduced my mom to Captain Jack Sparrow. I was in costume. Apparently I was beautiful. I got looks from men. I guess the costume gave me courage to keep my eyes off the ground. Apparently I have beautiful eyes. My name was Ophelia yesterday. It was glorious. A young girl tugged on my skirt and told me I was very pretty. I had a good day. Not night. I had a bad night. I have to forgive.

So that's all for now.

Over. Me

My Grandpa died today.

The bestest canine friend there ever were...

Well well well. Where to begin? Nothing major has happened really. I work all the time. Since BJ's visit in August, I have been working 7 days a week. Maybe the distraction helps.

I've decided to take weekends off. I think it's a brilliant idea. I desperately need it. BJ and I are both very busy now. Our conversations are minimal at best. We're trying though.

Originally we had planned to see each other next over Christmas. That's seeming less and less possible as each day passes. I don't think I can pinpoint now why exactly. Sometimes it all just seems too hard. But then I look at my life, and I see that every part of it has been difficult. Why stop now?

There have been some good times recently. Nice distractions. Two trips to the state fair! Woot woot! The first time was with my parents, Sunnie, and Paul. Sunnie and my mother are the of inappropriate comments. "Blond" moments if you will. Like when we walked into the bazarre and Sunnie shouted out "Mom! I smell your nuts!" while referring to my mother's favorite cinnamon roasted almonds. Or when Sunnie commented on the large "anatomy" of some horses..."Here it comes again!" The public is never safe.

The second trip was just Kelly and I. That one was not without its laughs either. That trip was my treat, and we really enjoyed ourselves. We hit all the musts. Next year, I HAVE to stick to it and audition for the talent show. I know I'll at least QUALIFY for the finals...and that right there is $100 in my pocket. Judging from who qualified on Saturday, I'll do just fine.

Aside from the fair, there aren't too many other highlights. Lakeshore is taking up a lot more of my time. I kind of AM the weekday Box Office now. Kirsten quit. Can't say that I blame her, but now I'm pretty much in charge. Even though it's rather terrifying, I am good at it. Joan keeps telling me how wonderful I am. I don't mind.

I'm tired all the time. I'm sick a lot too. I'm an outsider at Caribou now, and all by myself at Lakeshore. I'm "too busy" for invitations, at least that's the impression I unknowingly passed on to my co-workers. I'd tell you how much that royally sucks, but it still makes me sad. They whisper plans around me like I'm an idiot, and all the while I just...stew. That's okay. Work "friendships" are all temporary anyway. The only think you have in common is work, and when you try to keep friendships after leaving a given job, it never works. I've seen it happen again and again and again.

Maybe I'm just becoming bitter. People don't want me, and now I don't want them. I've unintentionally developed the attitude that some are just out to get me. Kelly and Kris are nice and thick again, and I won't lie...I it. Just a few months ago it seems...Kelly absolutely despised him. I stood by and was endlessly accused for not defending her enough to that unimaginable monster...and now he complains TO Kelly about my relationship with BJ, and that's A-O-K with her. She's just like SUnnie when it comes to Kris. No matter what her friend has said or done to me, it doesn't matter if they still want to be her friend. She loves having Kris back, and deny it all she wants, I know she likes the fact that he can't stand me. Every sibling enjoys having someone they don't have to share with their family. I could care less. (I'm a liar, of course. At least I have to live up to my lying reputation...which Kelly's best friend is the AMAZING author of. He's the best writer ever! Word. He should switch from reporting to pure fiction...that's where his talent truly lies.)

So that's my rant. I know I'm just bitter, right? Jealous? Call it what you will. Everyone stays close with each other, and I am rolling around in their dust...covering up my hurt with all the dirt they leave behind. What you can't see can't hurt you! So go ahead and glance. I'm just fine. Don't look too hard though. You might see the truth and feel a little bad. So sad.

Anyway... I wonder what I would change if I could do it all over again. I can probably list about a hundred things. But I've gotten so many lectures about the Butterfly Effect whenever I mention that question just out of curiosity. What would YOU do different? Would you keep me around? Would that make a difference? If I didn't exist...how many people's lives would be drastically different? Would Nikki and Lurae be the same people without that "party"? They weren't the same people they were before that happened...I wonder what they would be like now? Stupid scenarios, really. I wonder, I wonder. Who would be different? Everyone wants to make a difference in the world. Maybe not in the ENTIRE world...but someone's world. I wonder whose worlds I've made a difference in. Questions that were never meant to be answered.

ANYWAY. It looks to me like I've gone through a little writing withdrawal. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe not. Who has time for it anyway? Not me!

Bye then. Later tater.

So BJ has come and gone. Perfect timing, really...not. The day he leaves I get the worst cold ever, AND sugar week. Can I die now? Life is so unfair sometimes.

So... we had a terrific week. All my planning really paid off. And so did my wallet. Which is now empty! But it was worth it. I loved every minute of it... a lot of it felt like a dream, and now the dream is over. Time to wake up.

The short version of the week? He got here Saturday, we went to Lurae's wedding (A lot of it was miserable...not gonna lie)then we went to the drive-in.

Sunday we slept in, cleaned the house, and prepared for my "party". Pretty ood amount of peeps, and they loved my Tacos. I saw the previous Laura Meverden, now Anderson, and her baby boy Noah. I was very excited. Kirsten came, and the best part of all...my cousins came. ALL of them! Well, from that one family anyway. I was so happy. I worked hard on that day, and it all paid off.

Monday we hit TMOA, then left on our camping trip with dad...first to Jay Cooke again, and then Split Rock the following day. Ending our trip on Wednesday in Grand Marais. We attempted to visit the grandparents, but they were not home. Oh darn. That night we hung out with Nikki, then watched "Get Over It", one of my all time favorites.

Thursday we laid around lazy for awhile. We watched Les Miserables and then got ready to pick Kelly up. Why? So we could go out to eat at Applebees. No, no...AFTER THAT. Oh? Well...oh yes. We drove to the Ordway to see RENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited I had tears in my eyes. It was incredible. That's all I have to say about that.

Friday we slept in a bit, and then went out to eat at...Applebees. We didn't tell her we had been there the night before. She was excited! She treated us, and then she treated us to a movie. "World Trade Center". We all kinda cried... After that, we drove around looking for my missing medication that I had bought that morning. It is gone...BJ offered to replace it for me. My love, I love you. Then we went to Cup N' Cone... and then picked Kelly up from work, and drove around to different video stores, trying in vain to locate a copy of "2gether"... it doesn't exist anymore!

Saturday we did a bunch of nothing, then went to the library, and to Kelly's apartment and watched a bit of RENT. Then it was off to a KFC BUFFET! But that was only because it was the only thing we found anywhere near VALLEY FAIR! Which was really fun. We stayed til close and then went to the Maplewood Taco Bell.

Sunday I was sick. But we went to church, then came home and packed, ate some pizza, some brownies, and then...airport. I've been miserable ever since.

I desperately miss him. The lonliness seems suffocating at times. It's heavy. My shoulders hurt from the weight. It's all pushing down... I know it will get lighter... but right now it's just all I can do to stay on my feet. This doesn't feel right. This isn't how it's supposed to be...is it? I don't understand. I can't understand.

So now it's back to phone calls. Phone calls that last ten minutes about two or three times a day. Sometimes I get lucky at night time...but there's a possibility that I'm an opener again at Caribou...which means no more night time... I know I nag him a lot. He says call you after dinner...and dinner means eat in like ten minutes, and then talk and hang out for a couple hours while they watch TV...and I wait. He's back to being theirs now, I'm back on the back burner. I know that's not his fault, that's just how it's going to be until he doesn't live at home anymore. But I don't think that will ever happen. Unless he joins the military...and I don't think I could survive that either.

BJ starts school soon. Then we'll never talk. I'm terrified. I'm really scared. What do we do now? What do I do? Any suggestions? Please God, don't let me disappear.

So that's that. Bye for now. It was a great week. Anyone know where God hid the remote? I wanna hit the rewind button.

BJ is here day after tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKay, so I'm excited. That, and I'm writing this at Lakeshore, where they are currently building the set for Cheaper By The Dozen, and there are a lot of random fumes roaming around. They were also painting in the basement, so...yay. ANYWAY! Life is good. Jobs are good. Caribou is kinda sucky...new manager now. I loved Michael. I am sad. BUT... I don't work there again until AFTER BJ leaves. So... it's not on my mind.

GUESS WHAT?!?!?! I have a drama program again! I wrote to Pastor Steve, asking about whether or not there was still a program, and he told me they have nothing without me. So I'm BACK! WOOT WOOT!

I guess that's all for now. Kirsten and I were burning up in here earlier, so we turned the air up..er...down. Whatever. Anyway...it's cold now, and my fingers are numb...it is difficult to type.

If any of you readers out there would like to joine BJ and I and my (our) family and some random friends on Sunday August 6th... show up at my house by three and you will not be turned away. We're gonna play Apples to Apples! Color me excited!

BYE!

I love you BJ....!!!