Today is darker than it was yesterday, and yet the sun is shining brighter. It's having too much time to think and analyze what is, isn't, could be, won't be, shouldn't be, shouldn't have, might have been. I'm dizzy now.

A day off from work used to be a good thing. But that was when I knew how to make the world stop spinning. I would find things that made me happy and exist completely inside of them if only for a day. It was like my own personal magic trick. I could disappear and reappear within the random poetry of a day well spent. My ability to do that has seemed to vanish, replaced instead with a constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind. At times this feeling adopts the sound of a clock. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. What now, Corrie? What now? It's questions repeat ruthlessly. What now, Corrie? What now? Tick tock, tick tock. The possibilities are no longer endless. They have a schedule, just like everything else. What now, Corrie? What now?

I changed my hair again. No doubt another effort in changing me again. I don't think it worked. I've spent a great deal of time looking at my reflection in the mirror today, for some reason expecting to see a different face. I still look the same. I still feel the same. I still am the same. Tick...tick. What now?

My hair is not nearly as dramatic as I make it sound. I'm glad to have tried something different. There's something else clawing at my mind. Maybe it's just the tick tock clock, maybe it's something more. I'm not sure.

I've been analyzing my decisions that have taken place in the last year. Some were good, some not so good. I fantasize about doing something drastic. Finding a nanny job in some obscure location...with the promise of being treated as part of the family and brought along on glorious family vacations all around the globe. This is what I want pretty much every other day. Just to drop everything and start to live! Life Extraordinary!

I've fooled myself into believing I've accomplished things I haven't. Love? I don't know if I've ever found it. BJ was the first everything to me, so of course it would feel intense. But love? How do I know the difference? To have had nothing, and then a devoted relationship, and then tragedy...and then Andi. I didn't love Andi, not even close. But I loved being wanted around by someone who lived in the same state. I was COMPLETELY in love with that aspect of the relationship, as fleeting as it may have been. But I don't think I even know what love is. Romantic love, I mean. I know what it is to love a friend, a sister, a brother, a father, a mother. I know and cherish that love. But have I ever been IN love? I have no idea.

I scare myself sometimes with the sudden intense desperate need to figure that out. At first I thought it was a desperate need for love itself, but I think really that it's the need for discovery. I've existed in tragedy and drama for a very, very long time. Things happen in our family that other families cannot even imagine. It's come from the outside, people telling us in awe and disbelief... "Wow. With your family, when it rains it pours." And it's not too often that the storms subside for too long. Things just keep...happening. I amaze myself sometimes when I laugh. How can I laugh? How could anyone under the circumstances? How could anyone do silly dances and say silly things and poke people and tickle them and make them laugh with you too? Is that my gift? My mission? Do I exist in this family of tragedy to lighten the emotional burden? That's too bad... because I don't feel like I'm very good at it. But I do love to see them laugh. To smile. Is this why my fantasies of leaving seem so impossible? What do others depend on me for? What is my function?

I know pretty much every single person on the face of the planet asks that question of themselves on a regular basis. What is my purpose in life? What is God's plan for me? Why do the answers seem so hard to find? I long and ache for discovery. Discovery of so many things.

I fantasize about my trip to South Carolina. I fantasize about falling in love with a new place and not returning to the old one. Shedding the skin of tragedy and burden and starting over, fresh and new. Feeling the weight lift off my shoulders once and for all. Fill my scope with different sights and faces, each and every one of them unknowing of the life I've left behind. No more shadows of mistakes, just the light of new possibility. But then I think about my job, and my family, and float down from my cloud. How could I do that to them? How could I hurt them like that? And life gets heavier again. Back to earth.

Parts of my relationship with BJ were mistakes. However, I don't think ending it was a mistake at all. Neither of us were really truly happy. Whether it be the physical distance, or distances of other kinds... we were no longer who we were in the beginning. It's hard to let go of him, just because I know he loves me. Is he the only one who could?

Pretty much my ENTIRE relationship with Andi was a mistake. But it was so easy! So much of my life has been spent holding and comforting those around me. All of the sudden there was this man who wanted to hold and comfort ME and tell ME everything was going to be okay. He thought he felt things for me that he didn't, and I tricked myself into feeling things I knew I shouldn't. Everything I fell for in the beginning was fleeting and momentary and short lived...but it was a bad time to be alone. That's no reason to stay with anyone. I was selfish. And now? Ultimately alone. My fault, I guess. I should have been alone sooner. Self preservation.

Like so many people, I crave love. But I'm not looking for it. It't like trying to find lasting satisfaction in a bowl of ice cream. YOu want the ice cream, it tastes good, it seems like it could solve all your problems, but it turns out it wasn't ice cream at all. It was fat, and sugar, and flavor substitutes. The things I find that I believe to be love are really just momentary substitutes. At least I think so. But I don't knwo the difference!

Sounds like a lot of garbage coming from someone who's only dated two men. But there have in fact been more. The others were just people with ulterior motives. IN love with my sisters, to be exact. Or homosexuals. Whatever! Maybe those were all just adolescent what ifs, but they were real to me.

I know I haven't found forever yet. I also know that I wouldn't know it if I had! Parts of me miss BJ, and parts of me very much still miss Andi. Another thing I crave is consistency. To go from seeing someone pretty much every day to seeing him...not at all, has not been easy. Neither of us were happy, but I still enjoyed him most of the time. And in quiet moments alone, he would be that person that I fell for to begin with...and then everything I hated about the relationship seemed worth it. Sick and twisted, indeed. I miss the way he held me. In those moments I could drift away to possible, even though I knew I was better suited for never. It was lovely to pretend. It scares me though to think that I could probably pretend again, no matter how much I love for reality. Reality meaning making it REAL.

I'm a sick lady this week. I have allergies galore, parts of the misery due to another lung infection (cough cough, hack hack), woman special time, (with a few added complications), and a headache that just won't seem to end! My entire body is groaning every time I move, and there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it.

I lay completely still and try to focus on a screen. My eyes wander to a light source like they always do, and my mind wanders away from the story being told, to stories I've already seen with my own eyes. Memories, flashing in little sparks. Agonizing spurts of light. Flashes beating me through the sides of my head, ringing through my temples with hated glee REMEMBER ME! REMEMBER ME! My finger nails are longer these days. Know how I know? The memories drive me so crazy, my palms have started to pay the price. I can remember in great detail feelings and glances and touches and kisses, and then I get angry. Why can't I forget? Why can't I forget!!?!? I just want to be everything to somebody, not just for pretend. I want to combine the good things in everyone I've known to make the perfect man. What's wrong with that?

Oh, that's right. It's impossible. My mom prayed specifically for the man she wanted, all the way down to what he wore and what kind of sink would be in her kitchen. Her prayer was answered, and she found the most amazing man she had ever met. It scared her to death! Kelly prayed a similar prayer, following my mother's example and seems to think hers has been answered as well. I think I'm scared of praying a prayer like that. WHy? Why would i be scared of getting what I want? Probably because it's never happened before, and it might just be the end of me! Hah, no seriously. I don't know why I haven't done that yet. I think I'm scared of my future mistakes.

I'm really good at sabotaging relationships. I've done it my entire life. My trying so hard NOT to sabotage my relationship with Andi, I sabotaged my relationship with Andi. I was too accomodating, too willing, too perfect. I waited on him hand and foot, trying to avoid any possibly disagreement. Sometimes I would stand my ground and he'd seem to hate it, so I'd back down. The spark he saw in me was quickly and quietly extinguished, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I was boring. He was boring. We were boring. But we were wrong for each other anyway. I was who I thought he wanted me to be, but what if all he wanted was me? Oh well. If he was really him the whole time like he claims (even though I saw so many different versions) I guess I didn't want him anyway.

What if I pray that prayer, meet God's choice, and screw it up? How do I stay myself? I disappeared when I was with BJ, and I disappeared when I was with Andi. How do I keep me around? How do I stay the person they see in the beginning?

I watch my sisters with their men, hether in person or in spirit. I'm not jealous, or envious...it's almost painful to watch. It magnifies my failures and bad decisions. It's a strange feeling. I'm just not happy with myself. I'm happy with many ASPECTS of my life, but me as a person...I'm not happy with her at all. How do I fix that?

Focus on the positive, live life with joy, put on a happy face, be a cheerful servant. I just don't understand what's changing. The colors are different. Inside of me and out. Fears and disappointments are more present than before. Why is that? Life has gotten less severe if anything. Somedays my mom seems to be making a lot of progress. Why do I seem to be the one slipping?

BLAH. Well, it looks like I'm writing a novel this evening. I've been house sitting for Brad but haven't been able to really enjoy it like I thought I would. I thought I would be spending all of my free time there, but it just doesn't feel as good to be alone anymore. I'm really tired of it, actually. My parents used to marvel at how well I could entertain myself. I was friends with everyone growing up, but friends weren't necessary in my every day life like they were for Sunnie. I was content to spend the time with myself, write a story or make up a play. Now... the silence wreaks havoc on my ears and drives me crazy. Movies depress me and just make me wish that I were anyone else but me...the person watching other stories happen instead of living my own. I wish I had the means to travel. REALLY travel. See the world! But not alone. I don't want to do it alone.

Okay, I think I'm done for now. My headache is taking over my head. Time to find something else to do.

Have a good evening.

-Whoever I am today...

Today was an interesting day! I had a moment of weakness last night and couldn't sleep very well as a result. My stomach kept me up, but my cloud of a bed relaxed me somewhat. (I'm still praying for the someday tempurpedic.) My stomach hurts so bad when my mind wanders to places it shouldn't. It's like God's warning signs. Corrie! Knock it off! Te-he-he. So, as a result I was very sleepy and somewhat zombie-ish this morning.

Jeremy came in at 5:45 to start his shift. He was not feeling well either. What a pair! We had good conversations though. I really love him. He helps keep me sane. He brings clarity to my jumbled thoughts. We figured out something today that I hadn't thought of before. It makes a LOT of sense!

Later on Jeremy had to roast, so it was just me and Peter. IN the nicest way possible...Peter is complete incompetent. It's more like working by myself. He just gets in the way! He takes orders, screws them up and I have to correct them and fix his mistakes, while making all the drinks, restocking things, grabbing bakery, and waiting on customers. Then while he sees me running around like a crazy person, he stands there and watches, going "Um..should I do something?" HECK YES YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING! GOSH! So I say "Um...you could make the drinks you just rang up. I have about 12 I'm making on drive." He looks at me, blinks, and says "Oh." And proceeds to take at least five minutes on each drink. But enough complaining. I really like Peter as a person. He makes me giggle. And working with him actually makes time FLY because you never stop moving...around him.

After work I zipped home to help with the sale, though I really wasn't much help. I ended up selling my entire LOTR action figure collection for $75.00 WOW!!! When I think about it, I know I spent WAY more than that, but people don't typically like to spend that much on toys at sales. But whateva! I wasn't about to complain! Paul's cousin Erin was there helping out again, and she and I have a lot in common. We ended up trading things we each had brought to sell. She got my personal karaoke gadget (you plug it into an MP3 player and you can hear yourself sing along in the ear phones...) and I got roller skates! Saweet! I used to zip zip zip all over the place on roller skates back in the day. I was WAY excited. I tried them out this evening...I need practice, OH BOY!

A couple days ago, I invited my dad out on a date. Tonight was the night! We each showered and looked nice, and left the house for a 5:10 showing at the new Rosedale theater for "Bourne Ultimatum". It was FANTASTIC! And Dad had a blast. He was very very thankful, saying he hadn't had fun like that in a long time. We got popcorn and half lemonade half Sprite...and got butter topping on the popcorn... because we're never allowed to with Mom. We were living it up!

After the excellent movie I treated Dad to his all-time favorite, Willow Gate. They've completely changed! They built like...the great wall of Willow Gate outside, so you walk through a little passageway, it's adorable! They re-did the front, and offer a completely different menu! Aside from the old favorites, they've added an entire Thai section and lots of other new things to try. Lots of seafood! It's incredible. We ate too much. We purposely ordered more than we could eat so we could bring Mom a feast.

Now home again, and reflecting on life. It's amazing how fast things can change, and how different ones perspective can be from one day to the next. Life is not easy by any means, but things that i thought were making it easier before, were actually adding far too many complications. More than I needed! I like where I am.

It's still good to get away though! That's why I'm so excited about my trip! And again, I'm stupid. I'm flying INTO North Carolina, but they actually live just inside of South Carolina, so I was right the first time. So I'm going to say I'm going to both! So there! Rachel is so so excited. She can't wait either! Things to look forward to! Yay!

Also there's the Renaissance Festival. Did I mention that already? I ordered a costume online. I'm so excited! Laugh all you want, last year was the first time I dressed up, and I had a blast! And it was a 2 minute costume...this one will be real! It's my Era! Curves were in, chunky was good! Thin meant you were going to die. It's just the truth! I am unbelievably attractive at the Renaissance Festival, and Ophelia opened my eyes to exactly that. The attention I got was amazing! Jammer is going with me. He wants me to order him a Monk costume. It comes with the bald head wig. NOOO! A Medieval Monk. No, Jamie. No! He wants it badly. We shall see.

Even little times away are things to be excited about. Next week I'm house sitting for the worship Pastor at First, Brad. That'll be fun! A little retreat all for me. Yeah... you're so jealous!

Well, I guess that's it for now. It was a good day! Tomorrow is the first Saturday I've had off in about a million years. I hope I can handle it!

Later taters!

-ME

What UP?

So! Let's see. Jammer cut his hair off. YES! I win! What? No, just that I've been begging him to do that forever.

Tomorrow is the opening of the garage sale Sunnie has worked her little butt off on. People from multiple families have donated items to sell for our family to keep the profits, can you believe it? Sunnie is selling a REALLY NICE couch and love seat if anyone is interested. But come on by! Or if you have stuff you don't want and want to let us sell it, that would be fine and dandy too!

My trip plans are finalized. And it's not South Carolina, it's North. I'm an idiot, that's all. Why this sudden trip, you ask? Well, when Andi and I ended our relationship I was kinda bummed, realizing I had nothing to look forward to. I was intended to go with them all to Missouri for Tim's graduation. I have no idea whether or not I still get an invite, but along with many other realizations, I decided...hey! Who needs them? Haha...no, not like that. But I can take a trip on my own! I was excited to go on a trip, so I planned one myself. I'm going to stay with Uncle Scott and Aunt Rachel for about five days. August 31st through September 4th. Rachel is thrilled!

It's weird how happy I am about life right now. Kelly and Andi are taking their time away from me, or whatever. Actually, I think I'm taking my time away from them. I miss watching movies and stuff, but once the initial shock wore off, and I was honest with myself, everything was okey dokey. Kelly is holding onto the drama for whatever reason, even though she knows FULL WELL why I panicked. Whether she decided to share that information or not, I have no idea. But the best part is...is I don't care.

For awhile there was this urgent need...a need to let them know why everything happened the way it did, and for them to get excited WITH me. My world got tipped over and I was dizzy, and shocked and confused as to why it had happened. I guess that wasn't allowed. I was supposed to be silent and perfectly okay to keep my distance and give up my every day routine for the sake of the comfort of those around me who were all going about life as if nothing had ever happened. Now when I get to the point where it feels like nothing bad happened and I'm actually OKAY...that's not all right either. It's exhausting! Geez Louise.

I'm pretty much fantastic now, and still look forward to when they're fantastic too. I guess I don't understand why Kelly isn't. She's got a pretty sweet deal. Pretty much nothing to worry about! But alas... it feels good not to have that urgency for contact. I've got better things to do! LIke now...Harry Potter night!

BYE!

Alas...it is me!

Fo sho! I... don't know

So, I sent out a mass e-mail tonight from work (where I do my best e-mailing) asking people to come on in to Dunn Bros and join the eClub so we can win pizza. Pastor Steve Turnbull and his wife Amy and their two kids ventured all the way to my store just for THAT! I couldn't believe it! He said it was also because he wanted to visit and that they love me. AWWWWWWWWW! He's such a fantastic guy. I felt really goofy though, I didn't think anyone would take it THAT seriously. But it made me happy.

In other news, Jammer might come with me to SC. We'll see! He's got a job at the state fair this year, he'll be working 17 hour days for two weeks solid, and making a lot of money! It'll be worth it. Then it's off we go! I hope I hope.

He and I hit up Wal-Mart tonight for "300" and "Hot Fuzz"... he was absolutely thrilled. I let him get the 2-disc special edition of each. He's spoiled rotten. But I love him! And that's all I've got for now. Jams and me ordered pizza. (His maybe almost first girlfriends favorite kind of pizza...because she told him to try it. Pineapple and banana peppers. YUM!) G'night!

I'm going on VACATION! Woot, woot! South Carolina here I come! Things are good in the neighborhood! Life is peachy keen, jelly bean! Guess what else? We are well on our way to winning the pizza. Confused? Come see me at Dunn Bros and I shall clear up the mystery.

Talked to old friends today. It was refreshing! It's always fun to have people affirm what you already know. Bwa-ha-ha! Thanks for the chats pals. I'm so EXCITED about so MUCH! Yeah...you wish you were me.

Later taters!

MOI!

You are a Total Romantic

For you, love is like a fairy tale. Or magic. Or a Meg Ryan movie. Problem is, you sort of want all three. You bring the spark in the relationship In turn, you expect your guy to keep the fire burning Not a bad deal, as long as you find the right Prince.

Are You a Romantic or Realistic Girl?

It's all officially over now. Part of me is relieved. There were a dozen things that drove me crazy in that relationship, but I honestly believed I could change them. Or at least I hoped I could. I needed to be needed, I wanted to be wanted. I got that for a little while, but it turns out Andi was confused the entire time, but just went with it because he didn't know what else to do. I think I was definitely the wrong person to be confused with!

I made a lot of mistakes. One of the biggest ones was looking the other way when there was something I didn't like. I figured looking past faults was better than being alone. Silly, but it made sense. Even Kelly got tired of him giving her the finger.

I was in love with his family, and that's the wrong reason to stay in a relationship with someone. I wanted to be a part of it all, and so everything else that went along with it was worth it. He wasn't what I needed. He wasn't even what I wanted. But as long as I thought he wanted me, nothing else mattered. It felt too good to give up. So yes, it did hurt to lose it, but if someone had told me the truth sooner, it would have actually made sense.

I'm glad Kelly told me the truth. She thinks I'm putting her in the middle of some huge battle, but there is no battle. It's gone now. When I thought that he actually had had real feelings for me in the past, I thought that that meant I should try to salvage what I could. But... there was nothing real there, other than his admiration for my creative genius. Can't really blame him, I guess. I am kinda fantastic.

Maybe one day we can be friends. Maybe even business partners or bandmates like we had planned. Who knows? I can't predict the future. There was no real romance, and I knew that. There was attraction though, and that felt real. But there was always something missing. I just thought...oh well!

He really cares about me as a person/friend, and I really care about him too. And I DO love him..as a person and a friend. I was in love with his family, and in many ways, I found him to be a creative genius as well! And that was really exciting. I saw great things in the future! Maybe they're still there. Projects, not a relationship. Not anything other than friends, anyway.

Andi was like a drug. When I first started taking the Andi drug, it was fantastic! It took me away from my wretched reality and gave me permission to laugh, and to feel other emotions. But then it became an addiction, like an urgent need to have more Andi to feel better. I got lost in it willingly and freely. When I came off the Andi drug, I went through withdrawal. It was panicky and scary, and I was wobbly wondering if I'd ever be able to make it without the potent drug. Then I would start to feel better, realizing things I didn't see before. But then there he'd be (usually my fault) and it was like taking another hit of the drug, and it all started all over again. Andi detox...that what has brought me to this point. And I can breathe!

I wasn't in love with him like I thought. I was in love with the illusion, and love like that fades quickly. Our relationship happened so fast, that it really shouldn't surprise me how fast it's fading away into the background. It's unfortunate how crazy things had to be... but like any drug, it was unhealthy.

What should have just been a close friendship turned into something it shouldn't have, but I don't regret it. I'm glad I know him! And I'm glad that I am able to understand myself better, and the way I react to things. People give crazy advice, but it turns out I'm smarter than a lot of people. I just had to listen to my gut!

Andi and I both should have spoken up sooner. We were both uneasy about so many things, but neither of us ever said anything for fear of upsetting the other. How dumb is that? Oh, well. Too late now. Time for new frontier. Onward!

Thank you Lord for clarity. Thank you THANK YOU! I'm so glad I'm not crazy...

It's been about a week since something bad happened, so I guess it's time. THe last bad thing that happened was Jeremy accidentally kicking my knee cap off my knee. That sucked, but this is worse. When am I going to be allowed to breathe? When will life just STOP snowballing??

Andi broke up with me last night. His reasons don't make sense, and he blamed most of it on him not knowing what he wants and being confused. Typical male. BUT, he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. That makes sense... not.

It hurts so bad. I just wanted to wake up! He entered into a relationship with me, AFTER I told him due to the circumstances surrounding my life that there WOULD be strong attachments formed, but he said he knew that, and wasn't afraid of it. There were so many things said, but no matter what I said, I still felt like a failure. He said there's no romantic attachment on his end. So I accused him of faking it. He said he never faked anything. What does that MEAN? If he wasn't feeling the way about me that his words and actions led me to believe, isn't that called faking it?

I just want to shake my head and make it all disappear. I want to be able to pretend like nothing ever happened. Being with Andi was the first time I was really happy in a very very long time, and it's over now. Why is it already over?

There were so many things he knew about that had screwed me up in the past, and he did all the same things. Why would anyone do that? Why would anyone seek out a wounded animal just to kick it around even more and leave it barely living? He watched me crumble and told me he wanted to be the one to help me pick up the pieces.
But then he scattered the remains into a million more pieces that I can barely recognize. He said I did absolutely nothing wrong, and then way things turned out his completely his fault, and that he's doing it now so that he doesn't have to lead me on anymore. So I asked him what he was faking...because that's what leading people on is, is faking it. He said he never faked anything. I asked him why he told me he sees a future with us, and all he said was that it was wrong of him to say that, and that he was sorry.

This is all so messy. I involved Andi in every single aspect of my life! Not only is my sister dating, and planning to marry HIS brother, my little brother is Andi's buddy. Andi and Jeremy (after my introduction) have started a label together. Jeremy works for me, and he's one of my best friends. He's Andi's friend too now. Andi is on my drama team, and we both are a part of the worship team now. How do I cut him out of a life that he wanted to be so involved in? He doesn't want me to, he wants to be my really good friend.

I don't want to be pathetic! I can't go backwards and hang out in groups and pine after the host wishing and hoping constantly that he would see me as more than a friend. We were already MORE than friends, and I was so happy, and he's telling me that it was all one big mistake.

He's so inconsistent. One day he'd be telling me how happy and excited he was about all things us, the next he would be saying we got too serious too fast. A day later he would be telling me he sees a future with us. After that it was that he didn't want to lead me on. A day after that would be telling me he believes we feel the exact same way about each other. I brought all those things up, and all he did was say he was sorry. That's when anger replaced hurt. "Don't you understand what you're doing to my head? You can't treat someone like this! I'm a PERSON! I'm a GOOD PERSON! Why are you doing this?"

But looking at all of those inconsistencies really just illustrates I guess that he's not faking his confusion. As if that's supposed to be comforting.

I feel sick. I was just a mistake. I'm a mistake...

But he's really going to miss me.

I stole that picture from Kelly's myspace. No particular reason for it to be in this entry, really. I just like it! Andi and Tim... it says a lot about them. If a picture says a thousand words...you learn a lot about them right there! It's a good picture. Te-he! It's a funny picture. ANYWAY!

Yesterday was a good day. Granted, my period was at its worst and I was absolutely miserable, good things happened.

I woke up early and so did Kelly, so she could flat iron my hair. Then it was off to church for the drama recruitment! YAY! Three services after pretty much no sleep. I was tired, and my head was pounding, and all period symptoms were at their peak. Whoopie! Anyway.

The first service was rushed and not very good, I'll admit it. But it was the early riser old people. I heard a few chuckles, but...it was not fun. The second service went much better, but my microphone kept falling off! But since the skit was operating under the premise of the second actor not showing up, I just looked up and said "This is not working out for me today, Lord." And that got laughs. The THIRD service was phenomenal. At least it felt like it was! I was so sick, that I stopped caring how goofy I looked and just resolved myself in the idea that I was a complete and total idiot, and I had a blast! Andi, Jamison, and Andi's parents came. That made me nervous, because the new "special" people in my life had never seen me perform before...it was a big deal to me!

I was also nervous having his parents at my church. I take great pride in my church and was scared of them hating it. It's hard to build a relationship with someone when you hear them hate something you love so much. But they really enjoyed themselves and want to come back! Not only that, but both Andi and his Mom want to join the drama team! AHHHH! SCORE!

So after church Jamison, Andi and I headed back to Andi's house and he grilled us up some hamburgers. I went to the grocery store as Jamie, Andi and Andi's dad headed to Andi's studio to pack up all the gear. It was a huge job, and took them all day. Meanwhile, Nikki came over to Andi's to hang out with me. I can't tell you how wonderful that was.

Nikki is the only person in the world who appreciates everything I appreciate. We gushed about our love lives and told the "How we met" stories, and squealed and giggled together for hours. We pranced around in Andi's gigantic bathroom singing show tunes together. Only Nikki and Kelly would ever do something that ridiculous with me. I couldn't wait to show Nikki my new favorite past time! And I knew she'd love it too.

The degree to which I miss her when she's gone can't really be put into words. It's comforting to know I've got a life friend in her. And we both want a son named Caleb. Hmmm...we'll see what we see. First to the finish line wins, I guess!

Nikki returned my crocheting supplies to me. She packed a bag full of them and took them home with her when she came to visit me in Alabama. I'm gonna get back into it now, finally. I was kinda bummed to realize the squares I had made for my own blanket were gone. Then I remembered I used them on a bag Kelly and I had stayed up all night making for BJ's Mom's birthday last year. I knew she didn't really like it, and now I know for SURE she'll never use it, simply because of who it's from. I wish I could steal it, take it apart and make me a blankie. She may have hated it, but I kinda loved it...and it scares me to think she may just toss it out. My fingers worked SO hard on that! But then again, she kept everything Laura related, so who knows? But if I had it, I would use it. I'd definitely use it! We took apart a throw pillow to make that purse. Oh, well Corrie. It's gone now.

So I'm gonna start crocheting again. I need to re-learn how to make the squares, because I can't remember! Maybe I'll make something for Jocelyn, who knows? The day ended with my all day headache finally disappearing, and me drifting into long awaited sleep. Now I have the day off and nothing to do! I'm THRILLED!

Until later then...

ME

I was somewhat consistent with my writing for awhile...ah, well. I knew it wouldn't last. So many things have happened, that I can't even keep track. My mom's memory has returned, and she's back home now. Finances are still a struggle, but that doesn't seem like something that will be going away in the near future.

The drama recruitment will finally happen this Sunday. I'm nervous/excited. Andi and I have both joined the First Lutheran worship team. Andi as a multi-talented musician, and me as just a vocalist. It should be fun! The first two times I sing will be with Kari. I'm excited about that! And yet nervous... it's been awhile.

I haven't been feeling too well lately. As of this very moment I'm watching my I don't feel good, fix me movie. "Sense & Sensibility"... ah, yes. "Is love a fancy or a feeling? Or a Ferrars...?" Ah, sisters. It's such a splendid movie. It makes me happy.

Andi has decided to move his recording studio to his house. That means a lot of work overall, but a good way to save money, and have a lot more access to random spontaneous creative endeavors. Go Andi!

I really have nothing all that interesting to say... but I felt an update of sorts was needed. Good night all. Love you madly.

There just doesn't seem to be a break. There's never any time for things to get better before something else happens.

Early Wednesday morning my dad was woken up by my mom having another seizure. She was very disoriented afterward, and speaking in something that sounded like a foreign language. Sunnie called an ambulance and my mom was once again taken to the emercency room of Regions Hospital.

My mom remained in a coma like state for 2 days. They couldn't get her to wake up. She continued to have seizures which were caused by the swelling of her brain. The swelling was caused by high blood pressure, which was caused by the fact that she has no kidneys and is on dialysis. Her blood pressure should have been closely monitored, but it wasn't.

She woke up yesterday afternoon. As of right now, she has no memory of anything or anyone. The seizures and lack of oxygen and swelling really did a number on her. My mommy doesn't know she's a mommy. One devestating blow after another. How does a family survive this? And then there's more...

My family survives on my dad's overtime. Without it we can't afford...life. The post office is no longer going to offer that overtime we depend on. We can no longer afford the house we live in. What now? Sunnie and I help out where we can, but both of us make hardly anything compared to what we need to survive in our current situation. House payments, electricity and water, ambulances....

My mom is still in the ICU at Regions, so understandably my dad's been a little preoccupied with all of that. He hasn't been working. He's using up his sick leave. I've missed several days, but it's all been necessary. What now? WHAT NOW??? I just don't know.

So... I'm gonna go now. People keep saying 'let me know if there's anything I can do to help..." but there isn't. There just isn't.

So, the toe was worse than I thought. LONG story short, I ended up having impromtu surgery and am not allowed to walk or stand for too long, or wear shoes. So work is kinda out. At least for now. I was awake for all of it, but they stuck lots of needles into my toe, and blood was EVERYWHERE!!! Thank God I was numb.

THen they cut off part of my toe nail with medical scissors. If I would have felt that, I probably would have passed out. The pain is great, but so are the pain killers! And lots of antibiotics. Everyone who looked at my toe cringed and shuddered. "That looks so painful! That looks horrible!" And it was my big toe... which made me walk funny...and then the chain reaction I mentioned earlier.

My poor Andi is covered in horrible sunburn that turned into giant yellow blisters all over his back. He's bubbly in a bad way now. I rub aloe with lidocaine on him whenever he can stand it, but it's pretty horrible. What a pair we are!

We talked last night and came to the agreement that I need compassion, not disgrace. We're still learning how to handle each other. Everyone responds differently to different situations. At least life is still exciting with him! Indeed. Yeah, I love him. Whoops! Did I just type that out loud? Hahahaha.

ANYWAY! I'm gonna go now. Andi and I are both out of work with the plan to watch movies all day and groan in misery.

BYE!

CHICAGO! --wel, suburb of. Never really even saw the city to be honest. But nonetheless! It was enjoyable. Made some new friends, hung out with God. Sweet!

The trip began on Tuesday, June 12th 2007. I had worked earlier that morning, and raced home to pack and make last minute arrangements. I was nervous about spending lots of time in a confined space with virtual strangers. We all met up the church and introduced ourselves. Here's who went!

Corrie Killmer (Um, yeah. If you don't know...you're in TROUBLE!)
Stephen Turnbull (Teaching Pastor of First Lutheran)
Brad Smith (Pastor of Worship)
Kari Charbonneau (Worship team/Pastoral assistant)
Taylor Charbonneau (15 year old genius! Sound and lighting tech)
Paul Pierre (Sound and lighting)
Jill Bishofsky (Brad's GF, and worship team coordinator...and a brilliant nurse!)

So we headed out! Bran and Kari were driving, so we split up boys and girls. It was a blast! We chatted up a storm and the hours flew by. We stopped at Subway for lunch....still kinda shy with each other. After Subway the cars switched up a bit. It was me Kari and Steve in Kari's car, and Brad, Paul, Taylor and Jill in Brad's car. Kari and Steve talked about their lives growing up while I snoozed in the back.

We made it into Arlington Heights, Illinois around 10:45 pm or so. We checked in and took forever figuring out who was in what room, and then retreated to our respective areas. Jill and I were roomies. We had a king size bed and a pull out couch. She insisted on taking the pull out couch (She's tiny anyway. I didn't feel bad!) so I got the king. She has a king at home, and I have a twin... so we decided it was totally fair. I slept diagonally every night! Why? Because I could!!

Wednesday morning I woke up with the sun as usual. I was excited! I got up way too early and showered while Jill slept. I packed up my plan see bag and headed downstairs for a very early breakfast of hard boiled eggs, yogurt and french toast. Delish! The rest of the group VERY slowly made their way downstairs. Then it was off to Willow Creek Church!

It was so intimidating. If you haven't seen it...the way Jeremy describes it is a Jesus Mall. They have a restaurant, an escalator, indoor waterfall, a huge book store. Not to mention the numerous auditorium...the main one having three levels. It's HUGE! It looks like a concert hall.

The first session was everyone altogether in the main auditorium. We heard some speakers and then had lunch. (YUM!) Then we heard some more speakers, more worship... and called it a day! Afterwards, we all went out for true Chicago Style pizza. (The stuffed kind) and it was delicious! I entertaied the crowd with different accents and funny stories. That's when people started to get excited about my drama ministry. "Wow, Corrie. YOu should be in drama!" I laughed.

That night I fell asleep early, but the rest of the group had a Wii party in Kari and Taylor's room.

The next morning I was up early again, ate breakfast with Paul and Taylor, and then we headed out to our break out sessions. I had signed up for four different drama related classes. I may sound like a snob, but seriously? I knew everything already. It was kind of a yawn fest. We all got together at lunch and discussed our sessions. Everyone else had experienced like life altering lessons, whereas I was like "Huh... yeah I knew that." Everyone in the classes I took were trying to sound so special, so instead of asking questions, everyone would talk about hwo great their drama ministry is and compare notes. It was silly.

One of the sessions was called Creating a Scene, and they dug apart one script for an hour and a half, giving specifin instructions on how to make that one scene in that one script spectacular. Why? What do you take home from that? We were studying what the characters were thinking in one stupid (badly written) script. What were we supposed to gain? It was a showcase of a drama director directing something that none of us would ever direct... so I just kinda fidgeted and snuck out early.

I ended up altogether skipping my last class. I should have signed up for music classes or something fun like that. Kari had a blast in her vocal performance classes! I know I've got a lot to learn there still! But alas. No such luck. Ah, well. It was actually a blessing in disguise skipping my last class...

I was walking around the church taking pictures on my cell phone to show my family. I was so bored, I was trying to find random people to text. I was texting Kelly, Andi and Jeremy... but they all stopped responding. So...I was scrolling through my contacts. I landed on Dan Wellumson. He was my D.A.R.E. officer in 5th grade, and we remained friends. We've lost each other and then found each other several times throughout the years. The last time I talked to him was the day my mom was going to have her second kidney removed. A lot has happened since then! Oh my word. I was supposed to have called him and given him an update. That's exactly what I was thinking when I looked up from my phone.

To my left was a man sitting at a table in the Atrium, looking a lot like Dan Wellumson. I laughed, thinking how creative my eyes were to play tricks on me like that, after just reading his name. But then his eyes bugged out of his head and he grinned from ear to ear. "Corrie!" he yelled. I couldn't believe it! Holy cow!

I rushed over and gave him a hig and told him I was just thinking about how I was supposed to call him, and how random this was. He kept saying what a God thing it was. I agree! We were both skipping class. Hahaha! Me and my D.A.R.E. officer. We sat and talked for almost an hour about everything. It was so great to just...ramble! We talked about me, about him, about my mom, about his dad, about my siblings, about his kids... we just couldn't believe we ran into each other at a conference that was hosting more than 8,000 people. I barely saw the people I came with! But there he was. It was amazing.

After that we headed back to the hotel, and then out for Thai food. (I had to call Kelly and ask her what to order) I was treated by someone else to dinner pretty much every time we went anywhere. They were very pushy. After dinner we went back to the hotel again. Brad and Jill went to the hot tub, so I hung out in my room and dozed to some TV. Then Jill came and jokingly yelled at me for being anti-social. We went to Kari and Taylor's room where everyone else was and watched "Cash Cab". I taught Taylor how to play "Mrs. Mumble" and h almost died. He laughs every time I look at him so it was easy to win! We got everyone to play for a little while, and that was just too funny!

To bed again and then off to Willow Creek for the last time. Worship was amazing and made me bawl my eyes out. Two of the worship leaders told their testimony, and it was about the suffering of one of their daughters. They talked about all the hospitals and health problems, and how it tears you up...I couldn't relate more. They went on to talk about how thei faith was tested and how angry they were...and how much strength it took to continue to praise God through it all. The woman, helena sang "Praise you in this storm" which I had never heard just a girl and a piano sing. She slowed it down and it ripped your heart out, I swear. The guy sang a song he had written called "An Honest Conversation" and that made my cry even harder. Being honest with God, and finally coming around to talk to him again. Geez. They sang a couple praise songs about leaning on God, relying on him, running to him when you can't find anyone else. How your help comes from the Lord... it was tough, and I had no tissues, and I was snot filled. They had everyone who was in the midst of a storm stand to their feet so they could be surrounded and prayed for. I couldn't stand up, but Kari laid her hand on me anyway.

The first session was really good. The speaker reminded Kari and I of Kevin James. After him it was snack time, and then time for the final speaker. The final speaker was from a church in California called Mosaic, and he and his team performed something they called "Scribble" and how you gotta draw outside the lines. It was awesome! Dancing, dramatic monologues, comedy, and the sermon and personal stories were excellent.

After all was said and done we got back into boy and girl cars and hit the road. We stopped at Subway again for lunch (Connected to a restaurant we all made fun of called 'Beef-A-Roo") THen we hit the road again! More stories and bonding in the girl car. By the time we made it back to church we were best friends.

Through the whole trip my toe was an ever present issue that wouldn't really go away. Jill performed surgery on it a couple times, draining it etc. Now it's really bad, and looks horrible, and it's spreading. So... I have to go to urgent care. Yay! No, not so much. It's father's day and I can't walk. But...they weren't open so i was passing time by blogging. But now I have to go. Chicago was a blessing in so many ways, and I am so glad I went! My toe will thank me later.

Stupid toe. It's just a toe but its caused a lot of damage. I walk weird which hurts my ankle, which throws my knee off, which pushes my hip out... and it's just really ugly and painful! And the cause of my first fight with Andi. Oh, well. I do what I can...and everyone knows I'm good at taking care of everyone else but me. He was telling me I have screwed up priorities and back bad choices... after I went out and bought him a bunch of stuff to take care of his sunburn he got by making the stellar decision to stay out on a boat all day in the sun without sun screen. Hypocrite.

Okay! I'm done now. Goodbye!

Hello all! In Chicago right now! We come home tomorrow. I'll be more extensive upon my return. My toe is still infected, but has been worked on carefully by new friend Jill. My adopted little brother Taylor, son to adoptive mother Kari looks over my shoulder now... hi Taylor! Bye now!!

Come on! You know you want to.


1. Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Relationship status:

4. Favorite Movie:

5. Favorite Song or Album:

6. Favorite Band/Artist:

7. Sea or Sky?

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

10. What's your philosophy on life?

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

13. What is your favorite memory of us?

14. What is your favorite pleasure?

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

16. You can have three wishes (for yourself) - what are they?

17. Can we get together and bake cookies?

18. Which country is your spiritual home?

19. What is your biggest challenge?

20. Do you think you're a hard worker?

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school:

22. Describe your accent:

23. If you could change anything about yourself, would you?

24. What do you wear to sleep?

25. Day or Night?

26. Chocolate or Vanilla?

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

I have an infected toe. Just thought you should know.

ANYWAY! I leave for Chicago day after tomorrow. I'm nervous/excited. The silly part I'm actually nervous about is the actual driving there part. Road tripping with strangers...freaky! Why? Because cars are tight and cramped and if you don't instantly enjoy the person you're toushing shoulders with, you are in for a LONG car ride.

I'm also nervous because of all the break out sessions. Out on my own! AHH! And in a classroom setting, I haven't done that in awhile. And I'll be taking drama classes, and team building classes...so what if I'm made to look like an idiot? I don't think so, but we shall see. ANYWAY.

I have nothing really all that interesting to talk about. Oh well. Let's see...

Sometimes I wish I could run away as fast as I can from all things coffee. Never again hear the words espesso, milk froth, and crema. Never to tap and swirl, never again to breathe in deeply the choking aroma of mocha powder. True, I enjoy it...sometimes. But most times I just want to scream. It's not the job itself, it's not the coffee, it's not the place, and it's not the people. It's the fact that I've been doing it for too long and never seem to get anywhere. Not only that, but the hours and the randomdess of every coffee house schedule. It's hard to handle, and you never get a solid sleeping pattern. It IS a fun job, and I'm the envy of a lot of people, but every once in awhile the weird part of me craves the typical monday through friday desk job. No more working weekends! That would be heaven! While all the other normal people are sleeping in on Saturdays, I would NOT be setting my alarm for a time before the sun wakes up.

OR--- I just go the other route and become rich and famous and don't need the coffee or the desk. Just bask in the glory of the genius that is me. That would be enjoyable! Although somewhat unlikely...while at the same time too much fun to think about.

Am I done talking about absolutely nothing? Probably not... but my eyes are slowly closing, and my brain therefore slowly shutting off. I wonder why it is that working six hours today felt twice as long as the typical eight or nine hour day? It was confusing to say the least.

Maybe it was because of the excruciating pain caused by my infected toe. Indeed. The pain of toe is great. I have nothing else really to talk about. So here is where I end it.

Goodbye.

My mom fell out of bed today, and smashed her head/face on the floor. She is extremely swollen, and her lip was cut...so there was a lot of blood. Lots of red, black and blue.

She was instantly ill and sleepy, so we're thinking she has a concussion. I stopped the bleeding as best I could. She just keeps crying and crying. We're taking her to the ER now. With the problems she had with her head before, we can't be too careful. She hit her head HARD.

When I was rinsing the blood out of a rag again and again to clean off her face, I just couldn't get over how calm I was. The blood was mixing with the water, turning into a dull brown, the bright red fading away. It swirled around in the white sink and disappeared. Again and again I rung it out, drenched it in cold water to numb the pain. Cleaning out blood clots from her mouth, and the blood running down her chin and neck. Her tears mixed with the blood and dripped onto her night gown. I shushed and calmed her like I would a child. She held onto my wrist and squeezed it.

I pushed her hair back off her forehead and helped her into bed. I propped her up on pillows and tucked her in. Sunnie placed an ice pack on the side of her face, and I held the wash cloth up to her mouth. She cried and moaned, and talked about all of the horrible things that have happened to her.

The tears were sitting at the back of my throat, making it ache with sorrow. You just have to swallow it back and keep on talking. Be calm, be collected, but keep talking. Keep her calm, keep her collected.

"You have a life to lead, Mama. YOU have to lead it, not fear. It's okay to be scared, but you cannot let it lead your life. That's your job. Life doesn't stop being a gift just because it changes. Treasure your gift, Mama. And make sure you're living it."

All these things she's heard before. She still nods, she still says "Yes. Yes." Then she moans out "Oh, Jesus. Help me, Jesus. Why Lord, why? Why me? Why now? Why again?"

I push her hair back again, and dab at the blood around her mouth while wiping her tears away. "Every life is different. Every plan is different. No two people are alike. God has a plan for each one of us. Let go and let God, Mama."

"I know, Corrie. I know. I have."

"No, Mama. If you have, you wouldn't be asking why. Let go and let God, Mama. Let go and let God." Then the racking sobs ensue. I hold her hand and stroke her shoulder. She leans against me and says over and over again "I'm so tired. I'm so scared. I'm so tired. I'm so scared."

"I know, Mama. But you're not alone. You're okay. You're not alone. We're all here with you, and we love you."

All these things she knows by heart, but always has to hear them. She told me once before that she needs me around simply to tell her every day that everything is going to be all right. I told her I can't do that. But I guess I'll do it today.

I feel numb. How many more things can happen before I just stop reacting? I know how to handle it, I know how to put on a brave face and do what i have to do. The night I called the ambulance was pretty much the first time in my life I experienced true panic. I've never been so NOT calm in my entire life.

Well, off I go now. Your prayers are always welcome. Thank you.

I once played well the role of experiencing true delight,
When it was time to close my eyes in surrender to the night.
But now when light grows dim, no solace lies within this weary mind
Night once was kind.


I hate this. It's a curse! If only I could fall asleep first. Then there would be no more tell tale signs of paranoia, feasting mercilessly on my already deteriorating mind. It was in my past, it lingers in my present, and appears to be waiting for me ominously in my future. If the minutes were but a minute longer, I wouldn't have to be tortured by the silences. If the light would hold out for another moment more, before the closing of the door, everything would be all right. But then comes the night.


Why is this such a plague? A flag to stand up and declare that it's not fair. Don't tell me to sleep well, while in destrutive thoughts I dwell. This is HELL!

I hate today. Quote a distant memory, far away. Now brought back, here to stay.

Just stay awake with me. Open your eyes and tell me lies, I don't care. But this isn't fair. You act surprised? Ha! Let's compromise.

I feel it less than before. Should I feel more? Who knows? Things dwindle down, but then they grow. Hmm...I suppose....

What do I do now?


I sleep. Except I don't. I won't. Not my choice, it's the ever present voice. The voice of what? Of me... of fears through years of tears. AHHH! Be quiet and say something! Open your ears!

There are thoughts in my head, I wish they were dead. Am I boring you? I'm boring me. I'm boring too...that's what's been said.

There's always a fear that when near, I'm worse than far away as some might say. Blah blah blah, and seize the day. Anyway...who's to say you'd do it better? You'd write a letter.

I don't have to make sense as my mind ferments. I don't have to write songs that just prolong the inevitable. Everyone is a little bit crazy, their ambitions lazy. I for one have crossed a giant bridge, teetered endlessly on the rocky ridge, waiting to fall, but floating mysteriously above the nothing. The nothing waits to suck you in. and maybe someday I'll let it again. Ignorance is bliss, you hit or miss...or just miss on purpose. It's tempting no? So...

I think I'll go now. I'm more tired than I'll admit. It feels good to rant awhile, that's my style. I'll be okay tomorrow. Actually...I'll be perfect by this afternoon. So soon? Of course! It's right.

But then comes night....

I thought I'd start with another picture. That was was just sent to me by Andi's mom. It was taken at his daughter's birthday party. (it was VERY windy) She turned 2!! It was very easy to fall in love with her. If only everything in life were that easy.

MOVING ON! How am I?

Weird. Another day off. My hip still hurts! For I am old...

I don't know what the crap I did to myself, but whenever I look down and bend my neck...I get a sharp agonizing pain in my thigh/hip area. It's driving me CRAZY!

After today, I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and then off to Chicago I go! I am excited. Very excited. I think this trip will accomplish a lot! One of the classes I'm taking is how to form a solid drama team. I definitely need that!

Well, I'm off to do some laundry and some equally mundane household tasks. Mayhaps I shall find inspiration along the way for another commercial! I shall not discuss them here...there are spies everywhere! But that money shall be MINE! Or ours...depending on if you help me...whoever you may be.

GOODBYE!

I have forgotten to mention something! I have gone back to somewhat blonde! And since I had nothing better to do today, I took pictures of myself! So, here you go!






I think I may go even lighter in the not too distant future. It's fun to play! Today was weirder than yesterday. In the middle of the night last night, I rolled over and hear a loud pop in my hip. I'm an old woman again! Instant pain shot all the way down my leg, and my knee started to throb as well. I got up and hobbled around, because there was no possibility of getting comfortable. The walking pretty much made it worse, so sleep just...stopped.

I went to work, opened the store, and couldn't believe how much my leg hurt! It was excruciating! Dear sweet Megan took pity on me and switched shifts, to get me out 2.5 hours early. I went home and massaged my leg awkwardly...heh...and then put those warm rice packs on it. It's still sore, but it feels like a dull cramp now. I don't know what I did, but I hope I don't do it again!

I napped a little, took a shower, straightened my hair and took boredom pictures. Now the day is coming to an end... Andi is on his way over, and then we're going to the bike shop, then maybe a movie. I dunno. We shall see!

So that's all for now.

TTFN!

I feel strangely. Today was my first day off in like a week, and I felt completely lost. I spent the night at Andi's, unable to fall asleep for way too long. I woke up way too early and went home. The house and everyone in it was still asleep, so I poured myself some cereal and went up to my room.

I let myself get sucked into a TV DVD (The OC season four, if you must know) until I fell asleep around 9:30 am. I slept until noon! It was very strange. I woke up, and felt horrible. Something has been...off about me lately.

After getting up, suffering some stomach problems, and cleaning the kitchen...I returned to my room to watch the rest of the OC. My mind went crazy with comparisons as one character tried endlessly to manipulate another into saying he loved her. It was kinda funny to think back how scary those words were to me. "I LOVE YOU". I couldn't say it back to BJ for quite a long time. He would say it, and I would either hang up, change the subject, or pretend like it was never said. The whole love thing probably means a litle too much to me anyway. It's a big deal! Too often is "I LOVE YOU" said in passing or casual conversation. When I say it, I mean it. I really do. Hark! I am reminded of a Moffatts song.

"Say'n I love you, is the hardest thing to do. But if I ever do, girl I'll always be true..." HA! Corn. And cheese! CHEETOS! Enjoy. For they are crunchy.

After the OC was finished, I showered and then played with some of Sunnie's hair products...none of which I know how to use, but thought I would try anyway.

Then I went to Target and spent money I don't have on things I don't need. I'm very good at that!

Then alas, here I am. Back at Andi's... he's not home yet. It's just me, Darla and Kelly. I put away his laundry and turned on a movie. (WS R&J!!!!) I just feel weird. My stomach won't leave me alone, and my head feels detached.

I have nothing real to write about, this is what I now realize. I am a boring person. No! No I'm not, I'm fantastic. I just feel strange. Life is stretching forward pointing toward a new path, but I just don't know if it's the right one. The life I'm living now is full of holes. How do I fill them? What do I fill them with? Do I fill them at all? BLAH!!!!!

So now I quit. Quit what? I have no idea. I'm not making any sense. So... that's my cue to run away! It's when I start making sense that I run even further still! It's never easy. Goodbye!

Something needs to change. I don't know how to change it, but I know it has to change. What do I even change? This is hard. This is really hard. What do I have to let go of in order to take hold of something else? When you're swinging through the jungle on vines, you can't move forward to another vine without letting go of the one that got you to the next one. Make sense?

UUGGGHHH! My head is so full of what ifs and maybes. I'm turning into my mother! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I just need to...


change...

My current favorite picture. Not sure why, exactly.

This is something that is really frustrating me, and this is the easiest way to get it off my chest. Copy and paste! For years now there's been this almost feud with my cousins over all the things that they haven't been a part of, etc etc. They may hate me forever now, but I am tired of my family being made out to be villains. And since Kelly reads this on a regular basis, this is the easiest way to vent to my sister!!

I am the only person who tries to arrange things, etc. And since my mom's health of been on the fristz for I dunno, 8 YEARS... you'd think they would get over themselves a little and meet me half way, but no! It's like pulling teeth just to get them to admit we're related, and it is seriously damaging me! It hurts, it hurts, it HURTS REALLY BAD!!!! And I am PISSED OFF!!!!!

So, again, I opened the lines of communication, sending Alana a message via MySpace. I said :


Hey there babe. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I guess I could wait forever for someone on your end to contact ME but i know it wouldn't happen. I know your dad isn't part of the picture, but I would love to still be your family. I miss you.

Alana wrote back :


I miss you too. And I hear your going through a rough time again. I'm sorry to hear that. I know our family doesn't keep in contact well, but there have been a lot of things that have hurt US! We dont feel like a part of your family. Never really have! Heck... we werent even invited to most of the reunions till the DAY of the reunions. How about Missy's wedding???? We sure as hell werent invited! Let alone KNOW about it till MAYBE a week in advance. I DO love you and I DO miss you! YOU corrie have always showed that you care! And I'm sorry I havent kept in contact with you as well as you have. I have so much bitterness towards certain members on my dads side of the family and Im sorry for taking it out (NOT DELIBERATELY) on you! I love you corrie and I hope we can keep in contact better. Right now I'm in illinois taking care of my grandma. I've been down here for a month and I dont know how much longer I will be here. But I will make sure to give you a call when Im back in town. Me and Eli's dad are no longer together and I'm back with my ex fiance Shane. My mom finds out tomorrow whether SHE has cancer or not and jerry is possibly leaving for the army when he graduates next month. Joey is on the verge of juvi. Britt is still fine and dandy(great auntie) J.D. is still a work-a-holic, and CJ keeps getting older, taller, and sassier every day. Eli is crawlin, climbin, teethin, squakin, and sayin Momma and hi. He just keeps getting a better and funnier personality every day. He's definately a lil monster but he's a good baby. So there's an update for you. Like I said.. I dont know too much of what's going on with your mom... but Im sorry your going through what you are. I can only imagine. but anyway... I have to get going. again.. love you and miss you... I guess I'll talk to you later.


Granted a portion of her reply was somewhat nice and easy going and 'oh Corrie I love you' it pissed me off! I am so tired of all this crap! They've been invited to EVERYTHING they just don't come! They blow me off! ARGH!! So I may have gone off a little bit, but...here's what I wrote back.


I didn't want to put this in a comment, but I did want to write to you. Alana, neither side can be justified. When it comes down to it, your dad is just crappy. Invitations for things were HIS responsibility. He said he had passed so many things along to you, but that you had all not wanted to go. We can only push so hard. YOu yourself call him a dead beat dad. Missy's invitations were sent to him, because NONE of you give us any forwarding information about where the heck you are. I have had to hunt you all down time and time again! I have worked my butt off trying to make you feel like part of MY family, (my invitations go without response most times) when all I get in return is shunning from yours.

I love and treasure each and every one of you. You all are very angry with your dad, and so are we. Please don't blame me or my family for his mistakes. Every event has had your names on it, and it's your dad's fault that you didn't know that. We don't always know how to get in contact with you.

My mom is very sick. She was clinically dead a few weeks ago and I had to call 911. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I left a message on your brother's voicemail. No one called back. I am reaching, and reaching, and reaching. YOu can hold grudges all you want, but when it comes down to it, none of you have been there for any of us through some of the most horrific traumatizing times imaginable. My mom has been holding onto threads for too long, and I've begged and begged for you guys to come and see her. I just don't understand.

We all used to be so close! It can't just be me doing this, it just can't. I hope and pray and pray and pray that your mom doesn't have to go through a fraction of what we've gone through. Please don't let it be cancer...it eats the entire family alive, and I promise you....when you reach out to people, they tend to run in the opposite direction. I know you all did. It hurts like hell.

My mom is sick, she couldn't visit you when Eli was born. She wanted to. Things happen in your lives, and we go uninformed. Grandma has boxes of Christmas gifts and grad presents, waiting for invitations that never came. She never gives up...you can hate her all you want for stupid reasons, but she is one of the strongest women I have ever met.

My family aside, I personally am hurt by your endless accusations of us hurting you. I have tried SO HARD to keep some sort of bridge going. Please let go of the hate and bitterness, you're directing it at the wrong people. This is your dad's fault. You know it, I know it, he knows it. We have always wanted you and your siblings around ALWAYS. STOP DOUBTING THAT!!! The hurt you've experienced will not be forgotten. You are loved, and you are cherished, and you are prayed for every single day.

YOu are my family. All of your siblings are my family. My invitations won't stop, so stop saying you're not invited. You always have been. If the invites never reached you, that can't be our fault anymore. We learned the hard way that your dad is not the person to go through. He's not much of a dad to you either.

I love your mom, and praise her for raising all of you on her own. She's a very strong woman. I've always loved spending time with her, and want to as much as I possibly can...but the communication is one way these days. I'm doing my best. Stop hating me, and start returning the favor, okay? I'll never settle for losing any of you.

I love you Alana. I love all of you. Please...if you have wanted so badly to be included as part of the family, why have you never acted as part of the family? The road goes both ways. Meet me halfway.

Corrie

Okay, the end. Now I'm going to bed angrily to stare at the wall, burning imaginary holes through things I can't see in the dark... ARGH! I am in some mood this evening. Watch out!

Me

Me and Andi at Applebee's celebrating after Sunnie's graduation from St. Paul College. Yay for Sunnie!!! She took the picture, haha. It was a fun night!

I listened to an old favorite in the car this morning. "Spy" by The Moffatts. It struck me in a way it hasn't in the past. It was really enjoyable, actually. I could feel my eyes glaze over as I listened to it again for the first time, as corny as that may sound. Scott has that unique sound that I've always adored, and just to listen really LISTEN to the words made me feel like I was figuring something out. It's repetitive and a little long, but every second of it made me love it even more.

Seen through a blur on the wall
I feel so disillusioned of it all
I spy on myself
Through that blur on the wall
I feel so connected to my faults

And it's me that I am spying on
Without seeing all the things gone wrong
and it's me I am crawling from

I was telling Andi last night that I didn't think this would be me. And by me, I mean that I am now someone completely different than I grew up thinking I would be. So many things happen in life that make that person you envisioned completely obsolete, and I know that. It was just so strange. I do feel like I'm spying on myself. Not on the person I used to be, but the new one... like she's someone I barely know. I'm crawling away from myself too, because it's almost like I'm scared of getting to know her.

There are things that are happening every day that are not things that would have happened in the past, without this new version ofmyself. Things that could have been disasters are only ant hills now. Or maybe that it's just that I am going "without seeing all the things gone wrong"... which is entirely possible as well.

Do I know what love is? Does anyone? One thing I know is that Andi doesn't love me, nor should he after such a short time. I think BJ loved me at one point, but stopped a very long time ago.

Do I know how to love? I have no idea. I'm scared of people. I don't know if I've ever let anyone as close as I'd like to think I have. I love from a distance if at all.

Amber mistakenly accused me of acting my way through life, because she had misunderstood something I had said. Maybe in the heat of her moment she got it right. Maybe I don't let things close enough to be real. They used to be real. The first time my mom was really sick everything hit harder than it does this time. Why is that? Because I'm too prepared? Or is it because I'm not allowing it to be real, and I'd rather fake happy? Am I faking or is it real? At this point anything is possible. I don't know who is who at the moment...as far as the versions of me go.

Who can I dump this burden on, of helping to figure me out? God, of course. But how do I know if I'm open enough to listen? Sometimes I feel like I'm straining so hard to hear an answer that has already arrived, and I missed it. I'm probably looking too hard for things that are right in front of my face. I'm gonna find it one day and feel so stupid...just like I did with all those darn "Where's Waldo" books. I never found him first, it was always Stina. EVERY single time! Hahaha. Ah, childhood. How I long for it at times!

Life is exhausting when you're old enough and aware enough to see everything that's wrong with it. Then you have to choose to look and live beyond your faults and the faults of those around you and actually enjoy yourself. That's even MORE exhausting, but EVERYONE does it. Then I guess doesn't EVERYONE act their way through life? Shakespeare is a genius. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Which part should I play now?

Act 23 scene 1.... this is a very long play.

Lights up, and... ACTION!



... now what?

Thank you everyone for your comments. I was afraid I would be met with a backlash of hatred. Of course, I remember you, Jenny. I've met you more than once. Yes, at BJ's house. Again at your dorm (in the hallway) at a coffee shop performance...of course I remember you.

And to Carolyn... I haven't read your journal in quite awhile, so I caught up the other day. I'm lucky to have spent more than just a couple of hours with you, like you earlier stated. You and Kris were the first people I met in person! (With Wesley, of course)The nice long drive home from Birmingham. Lots of fun stories! Then you spent that evening with me, first at BJ's house, then at your own. Quite awhile later we spent a whole afternoon/evening together again, chatting for hours, and then attempting to watch Evita complete with fine dining of fried chicken. (It was yummy! Thank you!!!) I don't mean to correct your "couple hours" but just wanted to point out how much I enjoyed every last minute I spent with you.

And to BJ-- thank you for wanting me to be happy. I am. Sad that things had to end, and ultimately change for the better...but I know that we're doing the right thing. YOu were the first person to see me in that way, and you opened my eyes and my heart to a world of new adventures and possibilities. You are my treasure for that. Thank you, my darling friend.

And to Kelly -- you are my rock. I'm sorry for trying to push you down the side of the mountain. I should have known you were stronger than that. (And usually smarter than me...) I'm excited to exist in a mutual world! I love you!

To Andi-- who I don't think reads this at all but whatever... I'm excited to get to know you even better! Life is smiles with you.

And to everyone else-- THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!

Always,

ME

Hello world! I love movie scores. I just wanted to say that. (as I blast the soundtrack to "The Holiday" from my meager computer speakers...) It's some of the best music I've ever heard! I love it.

Life changes dramatically. I didn't mean to sound cheerful before delivering this news, but... I AM happy. And in some weird way this news is a part of that happiness.

BJ and I are no longer together. (As of awhile ago) In my opinion our relationship ended A LONG time ago, and I was holding onto it for all the wrong reasons. For months I would try to slip in "let's just be friends" and couldn't do it, the fear of being alone too overwhelming to even take a glimpse of a future without someone beside me.

Neither BJ or I were exactly happy, but were both willing to overlook that for the sake of the other. I honestly truly feel like our relationship aside from friendship was over a very very long time ago.

I don't say this to hurt BJ, it's just a truth I tried to ignore for a very long time. BJ was aware of it, seeing as how this past September he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. He changed his mind, and quite frankly I never got over it. I never trusted him again. It put an endless strain on the relationship...whatever it was.

I care about BJ and will always love him as a friend, but the romantic feelings twindled away slowly but surely. As much as I hate to admit it, I was miserable. I kept trying to make excuses, but I knew I KNEW that it wasn't right. I knew we weren't meant to be together. It was almost like God was beating me over the head with answers, and I just kept trying to shush him. Shushing Jesus! I wouldn't recommend it.

BJ was a good friend when he was able, but overall going through so many traumatic events...I needed someone to be here. The timing is awkward, but wonderful. I met someone.

I know this would ultimately hurt BJ, but I hope he too can move on and move forward with the REAL woman God has chosen for him. I know now that that woman wasn't me. I don't know if the new man in my life is the one for me either, but I'm willing to find out.

There are a lot of people out there who think that BJ is a saint, God's gift...but all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I can't tell you how many threats I've received from people "If you ever hurt him..." Well, by letting go of him, I'm saving him, I promise. This didn't happen as fast as it seems. I tried changing things and moving on too many times to count, but let fear get in the way. When I finally ended it, I felt like both he and I could breathe easy, knowing that there would be no more forced conversations, conceiling true thoughts and feelings. It was then that I felt lighter, newer, and different. In a good way! It was then that God opened my eyes to things that had been in front of me for far too long.

BJ and I remain friends, although I don't know how much of that will change after he reads this. We had a lot of bad memories, and a lot of good ones too. I'll focus on the good as I head out on this exciting new journey! I can't even tell you how excited I am about all of it. The new projects, new endeavors, new firsts. I'm actually giddy for the first time in a very long time. I feel real.

BJ, you and I learned a lot from each other. I hope that what you said to me was right. At the time you originally said it, it cut like a knife. But I really do think you were right when you said "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." So thank you for your honesty. I don't plan on cutting you out of my life, but I can't imagine you wanting to know too much right now. I know how much it can hurt, because we already experienced it once before. But this time, I think you know too that we're doing the right thing.

ANYWAY-- uncle Randy just got here from Tennessee, and I have some catching up to do!!

Love ya'll! G'night!

My uncles are arriving any day, and I am very excited about it! It will be good to have them here. My world is changing rapidly, and my mom is slowly returning to how she was before the nightmare last Sunday. Everything is so crazy with work though... Jason has been amazing covering my shifts and giving me time. I've had a lot of time to cry, to think, to strategize in some form... my mind is such a mess most days.

Two of the most amazing people are Ale and Jeremy, covering a LOT of shifts while Amber and I are both gone. Amber is on her honeymoon, whereas I am simply trying to not go insane. There are lovely things in life that I would almost call distractions, but they're not really. They ARE life. I don't just need distractions from the life I'm actually living, I'm discovering the life I've always wanted to live. That's incredibly exciting!

Every once in awhile I find myself drifting away, staring off into space thinking of everything and nothing. Thoughts just float on by, running across my mind in rapid succession. Then there will be the calming voice of reason asking what I'm thinking about, and the thoughts scatter, and I can't remember anymore. No matter how honest I feel, words still get trapped. I still can't say everything out loud. I'm afraid of the consequences.

Well, that's really all I've got to say for now. It doesn't matter if it makes any sense! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! That was my evil laugh.

Until necxt time then. Farewell!

THEY'RE NOT TUMORS! Praise God. There are spots caused by certain medications she's taking. NOTHING growing on the brain is good, but this is not as terrifying, and possibly treatable. She's having a lot of issues still, but there's more hope than there was before.

I really don't have much else to say, so we'll just leave it at that.

Thank you all for the well wishes, prayers and what not. All is appreciated! Especially Nikki. Hearing from you feels the best, it really does!! Probably because you're the furthest away. Hope to hear from you again soon!

Bye all.

You almost feel guilty when you find smiles in the midst of agony. Just yesterday I was pondering a question. What happens when you see directly in front of you everything you want in life? There's this horrific fear that you just won't be able to have it. So what happens? You take it, you revel in it, and you smile. Ah! It feels so good to smile! To smile and MEAN it!!

Mom is still down in the dumps. My uncles will be arriving this weekend, and I can't wait. Their wisdom astounds me at times. They'll be here to help with some of the heavy lifting. I can't wait to just...relax. That might sound terrible to some of you, but I haven't breathed in deep for a very, very long time.

More later. BYE!!!!!!!!

This roller coaster is too crazy to continue.

Sunday afternoon/evening my mom got a serious headache and began vomiting continually. She was forgetting names, words, and meanings.

My dad assumed the headache and nausea were the result of a terrible migraine. She was disoriented and confused.

Around 1:45 am my dad felt a jerk next to him in the bed. He turned on the light, my mom was having a seizure and her eyes were rolled back in her head. She was coughing out blood before she stopped breathing altogether. My dad screamed for help and I dialed 911. My dad performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. My mom was rushed to the hospital.

She was kept under with a breathing tube for a very long time. It wasn't until early this morning (Tuesday) That we even found out what was wrong.

There are multiple little tumors in my mom's brain. The only way to treat them is with extensive radiation. She's still very confused and disoriented, hugging doctors because she thinks they're related to her. She is not in high spirits, and to be perfectly honest I think the time for her to go home to heaven is a lot closer than some of us would like to admit. She doesn't want to die, and my dad thinks he has absolute control over everything, completely leaving God out of the equation.

Life sucks. There's not much else to say. My prayer is simple. I don't want to lose my mom, but if she is suffering... I want it to be over. I want for the Lord to just take her home.

You know my prayer. Choose your own, but please do pray.

I've watched the cursor blink for over fifteen minutes now. Is it because I have nothing to write about? Doubtful. Is it because I don't know WHAT to write about? Possible.

I've written three different paragraphs by now, and keep deleting them. The WHAT is really taking over my head right now. Here's another question. WHAT am I doing? In life, in love...

BJ is not moving to Minnesota. Now what? We're waiting for a someday. I'll be honest. I don't want to wait for someday. I'm alone NOW. I've tried to somewhat break-up with BJ about three times now. Every time I get close I break down into tears and take it all back. Why am I doing it in the first place? Maybe because it's better. But maybe it isn't. The thing that crushes me is when he asks me that same question over and over again. "Is that what you want?" I can hear him hold his breath waiting for my answer. I've searched my head, I've searched my heart. I don't know what I want anymore. I try to turn to God to gain wisdom on not what I WANT but what I NEED. I don't think I am either willing or able to listen for the answer. My head just won't clear.

I figured out part of it last night. BJ was going to move regardless of his financial situation. He's more willing to take the risk of having to give up and go home if it meant spending a little more time together. I, however told him that would break my heart. That THAT goodbye would kill me. So he's taken my advice and decided not to make a move until he's financially stable. Sounds responsible. And in all honesty it was my idea. Doesn't mean I like it! But maybe I do..

I know BJ and I know that the move...if it ever happens will be very far off. So that's why I feel like I'm trying to let him go. One thing I know and feel in my heart is that he wouldn't be happy here. I can see him getting severely homesick. He's never lived anywhere but Montgomery. He's never lived without his family. I can't ask him to give all of that up...because what will undoubtedly happen is he will have to choose, and it won't be me. His circumstances will slowly lead to his resentment of me, and my mutual resentment of him for resenting me!

One of us has to give up everything we've ever known. I tried that once, and I failed miserably. Now it's come to the point where I realistically CANNOT move. My itty bitty family needs me here. What now? WHAT now?

I can't give him up. I tried, and the pain was unbearable. He's my best friend. But a long distance relationship only works if it's not long distance indefinitely. Kelly's getting prepared to have a daunting long distance relationship, and she's scared. But Tim's absence promises a return, whereas BJ's is a someday. A maybe. A we'll see. I want to think that I'll be able to set a really good example for Kelly, and how to handle everything. But I know her, I know me...and I just don't know if I could say or do anything to prove that YES! This will work for you, it's easy! It's not. It sucks. It breaks your heart over and over again. Every morning I wake up and then I have to realize AGAIN that I can't see the one person I want the most, and my heart breaks again. The pain never dulls, it gets sharper.

When I first fell in love with BJ all of this was easier. He was my first love, so everything was new! It didn't matter as much how much of a distance was between us, as long as we loved each other.

Now with life and circumstances how they are...it matters more and more and more. I NEED him here. He NEEDS me there. And neither of us can make it happen for the other. Now what? NOW WHAT????

Our conversations have become surface and unengaging. if we pull back that easy layer there's a sea of darkness, sadness, pain and DRAMA. It all seems so unnecessary, and somehow unavoidable. So we keep it simple. Every once in awhile there's a crack in the surface, and I'm usually the first one to fall through it. Those falls seem more frequent lately with things being how they are.

It's a tough world when your mom comes into your room in the middle of the night seeking comfort. Suddenly you're the parent, and your mother the child. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that role reversal. Even me! Who experienced it too many times the last time we all went through this. She craves peace, but I still feel like the child, and I will never have enough knowledge to fix it. She says her focus is on the Lord, but I don't think she is being truthful. Her focus is on her fears, and they are completely controlling her every thought. I'm a lot like my Mama.

Yesterday she laughed, got dressed, and spent the day out with a friend, getting her hair done. The tears I cried yesterday afternoon were the first ones with a happy motivation behind them. She was smiling from ear to ear. The first smiles I've seen that didn't transform into frowns and sobs a minute later. I pray they stay.

This journal is too often overcome with melancholy... but this is the only place i have to get it out without interruption. If I'm speaking I have to defend every word I say. Something is almost an argument. There's peace in writing. I wish I could do it more often.

until then...

Hello world! Quick update before I head off to work. Mom came home from the hospital yesterday. She's still fairly doped up, but overall doing pretty good. She gets to be on dialysis three times a week, so that's fun! We have to monitor her liquids very closely!

She has no kidneys...which just amazes me. God made us so we can function with parts of our bodies missing. Incredible! That, and the technological advances he helped out with to insure that the body could do just that. It's just hard to imagine. One day we hope that she will be able to find a kidney donor, but until then...we've kinda got our work cut out for us! But it's so worth it when it means no more cancer!

IN other news, I am now brunette. Sunnie and I both get kinda down when the parents are gone (weird, I know) So Saturday night, we had the place to ourselves, and could have gone WILD... instead we went to Cub and bought Mom some grape juice and me a box of light brown hair dye. When I get down and restless, I have to change something. Most often times that change becomes my bedroom, but I just did that...so I changed my hair instead.

Anyway! Here's the photographic evidence!




So that's all for now. More later! A bientot! Au Revoir! Later Taters! See ya! Time to go to work...indeed! *sigh* I am sleepy, therefore I sigh... goodbye!

When I have time, I hope to re-cap the entire week that BJ was here. Until then, I will leave you with a FANTASTIC picture! BJ recovered it from my almost dead cell phone, and it's a true treasure. He then used a beloved program of his to get it off said phone, onto my lap top, which he then e-mailed to himself on my dad's comp, so dad could print it off so we could frame it (with a frame BJ bought) to give to mom as a pick-me-up.

Without further ado...I give you Captain Jack and my Mama!!




Until next time friends, farewell!

I shall start out by saying, thank GOD B.J. is here!! It's been vital!

After mom's initial diagnosis, they rediagnosed her with a much more grim possibility. The cancer was worse than they had thought. If it had spread further than the kidney and into the bones, it was terminal, and there would be nothing they could do. My mom had a bone scan the other day, and we recieved the results this afternoon.

IT HASN'T SPREAD!!!!!!

Praise the LORD! Now, they will still have to remove mom's one remaining kidney, and she will be on dialysis for quite a few years. They have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE there is no cancer anywhere in her body before they even consider the possibility of a donor.

It's not gonna be fun, but it is SOOO much better than terminal cancer! Thank you to everyone for the prayers. We all know prayer works, and my mom, my family and I will once again be gracious recipients of those marvelous happenings!

So, that's the update for now. BJ and I have been having a blast...being in love and all that jazz! Kelly is in New York living it up and hopefully buying me lots of cool stuff because I couldn't go!!!!!!!!! Hahaha.

Later taters! Love ya!

-Me!

They found new cancer on my mom's remaining kidney. Right now it's operable, but still serious. There's also something that looks like a kinda scary blood clot. She's in good spirits. She's happy they caught it early, and she doesn't feel sick like she did last time.

Please keep my mom in your prayers. She only has the one kidney! So far it hasn't spread, and let's pray it stays that way!!