BORED! Slow day at work. Sunnie and I are both on the computers chatting on AIM to each other. She's off, I'm still on the clock. Our cousin Alyssa is supposedly coming to visit, so Sunnie can't go home yet. So how lame are we? I'm giving Sunnie movie quotes, and she's trying to guess them... She missed an obvious Titanic one though...silly silly.

Well, I have to go back to work now! Later taters!

Me

I know I haven't written for awhile, but in all honesty, the web page wasn't working! I promise! Anyway... so! I have...mmm...about two days and a few hours left of being a teenager. That is so weird! I've been a teen for so long, and now I'll be 20. And my birthday is on a Monday, which is just...grr. I hate Mondays!

Well, anyway. The Christmas party actually went very very well. There was only one catastrophe, and that was that my mom misplaced her make-up bag, and dramatically declared that she would not come to the party. That didn't last long. Knowing full well that she was in a bad mood, however, I avoided her at all costs throughout the entire night.

Paul's dad came out of his shell, I'm told. Normally I guess he's rather gruff and intimidating. Well, he was quite personable! He was happy. I guess that's not that common!

*Yawn* I am so sleepy...GUESS WHO COMES HOME TOMORROW!!!! JESSI! Hooray hooray! Woo-hoo! YESSSSS!!!!

Okay, that's done. Now I shall record the questions I annoyingly asked Kelly last night. Did you know Trent Ford is British? (She did) Did you know Johnny Depp is the new Willy Wonka? (She did) Did you know they're going to do a sequel to 'The Goonies' with the original cast members? (She DIDN'T!!) And then I asked her whether or not she knew that my Christian band pals were going their separate ways. She didn't know. They were even on TV! It's sad, but good. Lance (The lead singer, and my pen pal) says that he hasn't had a life for a long time, and he wants to start a family, etc. He's also coaching basketball now at Champlin highschool, I think he said. So he's happy. And he can't escape music, so all is well!

So that's my new briefing for the moment. Fascinating, I know. Geez, hasn't anything interesting happened to me lately?? I haven't written for a long time, and I still have nothing to say??

OH! The television war with Best Buy is over! For now, anyway. After my mom stated she was going to report them to the Attorney General's Office, as well as the Better business bureau, they suddenly called her saying her No Lemon claim was approved. Which means we got a new TV last night! It was a fiasco, because my parents can't ever agree on anything...my dad has become bolder, so he stands up for what he wants. But he's such a baby. If she disagrees, he just goes "Fine" and walks away to pout and feel sorry for himself.

So! All they have these days are wide screen TVs...and it's...large. It does not go well in our living room at all. She bought it with our family room in mind...so when that room is done, we'll have a glorious theater if I do say so myself! It will be fun. Jamie and I were testing it out with none other than Pirates Of The Caribbean this afternoon. But my dad had not connected the sound system yet, so alas the film was silent. My mom was mocking me, because I attempted to do voiceovers, but I was too slow, so it looked like a Japanese movie...if you know what I mean.

Well, anything else I can update you on? Hmmm... I don't think so. *Yawn* Know what? I asked Sunnie today whether or not her church had a drama program, and whether or not I could maybe...start one. And she just continually discouraged me. I sorta understand, I guess. Because she feels like I would be invading or something. And maybe they don't want the help, that's possible. But I think it would be fun. To be involved somewhere, anyway. I don't BELONG!!!! *whines, tears tears tears....* I know, cry about it. I think it would be nice for the whole family to be involved, like we were at Bethany. I toy with the idea of going there myself, but... that would be lonesome.

Well! I best get going and go do the whole... work thing. I shall write more soon, I'm sure! Later!!

C'est moi

So, I haven't written in a while, eh? Oh, well. Nothing exciting has happened anyway. Nothing has happened period! I don't think...

My evil dreams are quickening their pace... Nikki came home for Thanksgiving. I saw her for a few hours. Then it was...it wasn't. She went without saying goodbye, just like I thought she would. Some best friend I am, huh?

Enough complaining! My birthday is coming, I'm getting older. Sunnie hinted awhile back that she was going to plan a party for me. I don't think she meant it. Even if she did...she's forgotten all about it by now I'm sure of it. Alas, alas. It's just another year, right?

I've almost completed my Christmas shopping. Last night I took Jamison out to buy Christmas presents for the family for his first time ever. It was so cute! He had about $80, and he got something for everyone. Cept me of course, cuz I was there. But it was fun helping him. He was so cute!!! A few days before that, he and I went shopping again, but for me to buy things. I got Sunnie's present, and Kelly's present. Then he and I went to Suncoast...and I went Christmas shopping for me!! It was by accident, I swear. I bought LOTR checkers, and then Jammer and I found these HUGE LOTR mural posters. So I bought a gigantic Legolas, and he has Legolas and Gimli on their horse...I bought it for him of course, because he's an excellent scam artist.

The only person I have left to get in the family is Candace, and I know what I'm getting her. I think I hope... *yawn* I am so tired right now... I taped the OC last night, and ended up watching it at like midnight, because I bought Pirates on Tuesday *YAYAYAYAYAYA!!!* and hadn't gotten to watch it until last night. I'm so happy...

Is it pathetic that movies make me happier than real life people? Hmmm... I got a free ticket to see the Haunted Mansion in my pirate DVD. I want to see Honey, and I want to see The Last Samurai. And LOTR comes out 12/17! So, yeah. I'm gonna see that.

This Saturday, my mom is hosting a Christmas party for all of Sunnie's friends and their parents...so how not fun is that? Very. So I invited Christy! Woo-hoo! Now I'm excited. I get to see her for more than passing moments in Wal-Mart. We have plenty to talk about, I'm sure. But boy, am I dreading the preparations.

Jessi is coming home on the 13th. Yippee! She can't wait to see the Pirates DVD. Especially after I told her about the bloopers. And my new favorite quote! Observe:

"Argh...swash swash buckle buckle!"

--- Orlando Bloom

Isn't that funny? Te-he-he! Now that's a swash buckling movie.

Well, I've done enough rambling for today. I'll wait for something good to happen before I write a long entry....maybe. I better get back to work, anyway. Write more later, I'm sure!!!

Me

I have nothing interesting to write about. Except...GUYS! I need you really bad! For the play I mean. Of course the play...*cough* There's that cough again, Scott! I mean it. Totally dead-pan boring. Yup yup yup.

So! Were I to have a birthday party this year, I would invite :

Jessi Campbell, Jessie Coffey, Christy Rose, Josh Flom, Corey Miller, Kelsey Marrin, Teresa Boleen, Tim Klecker, Tim Beier...etc etc.

I decided just in case, I need to think of these things...because what if, huh? What if I get up the guts to try again? Ahh, who am I kidding? I'm old. *laughs*

So. This Titanic tea is stressing me out. I don't know what I'm doing. Yes, I do. I just need....a cast. *sigh* And you know what else? I need a marriage proposal. Nice, Scott. Murray your stuffed moose. A stuffed moose wants to marry me. I have a stuffed moose named Elwood! Nevermind, let's not go there... And now Oscar the grouch wants to kill me. Life is dandy! Now Scott won't let me marry Murray...*sniff* There goes my proposal!

Know what? This is a pointless entry. I have nothing to say. Except that Jessi and I have a summer project! We just don't know what it is yet. Also, did you know Jessi is dating Orlando Bloom? Neither does she. Know what else? I have to finish my letter to her, so I can send her the fun stuff tomorrow. So I'm-a gonna go! Plus, I'm hungry and my mother is taunting me with seafood.

Later taters!

C'est Moi!! AGAIN!!

Hello all! Well, this is probably going to be short, because I only have about five minutes left of my rbeak here at Dunn Bros. So I'll be quick!

Went to go see the play...um...it was....NOT GOOD! I mean, some parts were. But let's face it, the talent is officially gone after this year. There were only a few people that kept my attention, and that wasn't because they were my friends...but because they can act. Imagine that.

So that was kinda sad. The worst one in my opinion...someone told me she's the new Corrie Killmer. How depressing is that??? Terrible, terrible. Right...she could never me Veta! Hmph.

I got an e-mail from Jessi Campbell today. I always enjoy hearing from her. I told her about the "New Corrie Killmer" and she was like...Yeah right! And then continued to tell me how wonderful I am...I don't deserve her.

I'm gonna be a year older soon... I already feel really really really old, lordy be. Goodness gracious. December 15th is coming along rather quickly, my goodness. But guess what! Jessi is coming home the 13th. I'm excited.

Well, back to work I go. An hour and a half remaining! Later taters. Love you all!

NAF

Corrie

Hey, I haven't gotten any e-mails from people who want to be in the murder mystery! What's up with that? Grrr...well, Ms. Boleen, I know YOU read this...are YOU available January 24th? Let me know. E-mail me ASAP. And find other people. PLEASE!!!

Well, guess what? I didn't sleep at all last night, and I had to be at work by 6 am. I am soooo overtired. I got up at 5:15, after not falling asleep until around 2... and then I kept waking up because of cruel, cruel dreams. Everytime I take a deep breath and get over what's happened in my past, I go to sleep and dream about it, and everything resurfaces. I think I am so over something, that I can live without it, and I'm happy. And then, I wake up after a dream, and I can't think about anything else. For those of you who know what I mean, you know what I mean.

I was talking to my friend Scott the other night, telling him how going to sleep depresses me. It's as if right before I go to sleep is when my brain decides to take the walls down. All the things I wanted to forget come tumbling back to bury me alive. I can't stand it! Before I know it, I'm a worthless sobbing mass of emotions, cowering beneath my blanket. That's why so long ago I've taken to falling asleep to the TV. I've always been one to get extremely involved in entertainment. So I pop in a movie, or watch something fun. Otherwise I turn into a total insomniac, burdened endlessly with memories.

How can some people just forget the past? How do you leave it behind? There's always something to trigger a memory, and in my case, most past memories are painful. I'm constantly reminded of all the mistakes and heartaches, no matter how hard I try to forget them and move on.

Anyway, that's why I couldn't sleep last night, and now I'm at work. I'm going to go see the White BEar play tonight. It's opening night. I want to go opening and closing night, to offer as much support as possible. Originally I didn't want to see it at all, because I had been absolutely shafted by Holly this year as far as directing goes. I must have been a sucky director or something...oh well. BUT--- I love all the theater people too much not to let them know that. I may not be a part of their daily lives anymore, but I guess I just have to deal with that. I'm old, and only getting older.

My birthday is December 15th. I'm going to be 20. I probably won't have a party this year, because no one even showed up last year. It was my own fault, I guess. Nikki came though. I think I would have...died were it not for her last year. You know, I've never had a surprise party. I thought maybe last year, they didn't come because it was a joke, and then I'd be invited to a movie or something, and there would be a party instead. A surprise party...but no such luck. My birthday didn't happen. Oh, well. It's in the past, right?????

But hey, if someone actually threw me a surprise party...I would not object. I would be thrilled. I would treasure that person for the rest of my life. (As long as they invited all my theater pals)

Well, the shop is getting rather busy, so maybe I should go back to work...?? Eh....no. Not yet. I called my granny from work today, so I'm going over there when I get off. We're gonna hang, yo! Raid her cupboards and all that jazz. Well, Jean is calling me so NOW I have to go. Later!

--Moi

I have no life, no friends, woe is me. Actually, I have friends. Just...older friends :) I'm not complaining! I just...work so much, and the money flies right out the window. I have about $500 in savings, because I have to pay my parents rent, and I have to pay car insurance, and I have to pay for groceries or something else to pick up everytime I walk out the door. Thanks, mom...

What is a journal for if not to vent and say the things you can't say out loud? Although for some reason I am saying out loud what I'm writing right now...sometimes I need to hear a voice, and most often it ends up just being my own. (Or Mister Moviefone)

Tuesday was my day off this week, as well as Sunnie's. It was veteran's day, so she didn't have class. I was all like "Let's do something fun!" And really? There was nothing to do. I had already gotten her to go to a movie with me, and that doesn't happen more than once every couple of months. Plus I had seen everything already... so after hours of doing...nothing...we decided to go get her Sadie's film developed, and then drive up to Andover to visit Vicki, the lady who had trained us to work at Dunn Bros.

We took Cody with us for some reason, so we spent the majority of the ride holding our breath so we wouldn't have to smell Cody's horrible breath. We rolled down the windows, so he could stick his head out and provide us with a bit of relief.

When we got to Dunn Bros in Andover, Vicki wasn't there. So we visited with Jacob, who I hadn't really talked to before. He's pals with Sunnie, so they caught up. It was fun, and I enjoyed chatting and telling stories. (Like always) Vicki actually stopped by, and was really happy to see us. We talked to her for awhile before remembering we had a puppy in the car. Then we went back to Wal-Mart to get Sunnie's pictures. There were a few pictures of me and Cody in our pirate costumes on the roll. QUITE hilarious...I am such a man...I mean, I LOOKED like a man...

Okay, new subject. Calling all actors! I need you! I'm writing a Titanic murder mystery tea for the tea room, and it's on January 24th. I need to know how many actors I can get, so I can write the script. I need to know how many people there are for SURE, so I can then develop a story, and different suspects. The more suspects and possible motives, the better. So if anyone out there in cyberspace in the white bear area is available and willing...PLEASE let me know. E-mail me at:

windows_in_this_place@hotmail.com.

Thank you very huge. What else is new? Um, nothing. I have three favorite TV shows that I never miss. Gilmore Girls is still up there. But the new ones are One Tree Hill and The O.C. YAY! OOOHHHH!!!!! Okay, I just remembered something really important that I never wrote about!!

Back this summer, I went to the mall of america with my mom. Just the two of us! Now, Sunnie, other peeps and I have met multiple celebrities there. But normally that's planned in advance. So! When my mom and I got there, She immediately wanted to go into Marshall's. I hate that store. So we decided to split up. I wanted to go to Disney, books, music, etc. So...I was on the first floor, and there were a bunch of kids skateboarding around in the rotunda.Then there was a line of kids with wristbands on. In my experience, that meant they were waiting in line for an autograph signing. So I though, hey. I'll find out who's coming, and when...and since I didn't have to meet my mom for an hour, maybe I could grab an autograph. So, I got a wristband, and got in line after hearing they would be there in about 10 minutes. Looking at the line, I figured I'd be shuffled past in no time. They always make those lines go really fast. So!

The people who were coming were two stars from the movie "Grind". Vince Vieluf and Joey Kern. I knew who Vince was, because he was in Rat Race. (He was the one who pierced his own tongue...)

So, I was waiting for the line to MOVE and it wasn't...Before I knew it, I was half an hour late to meet my mom. I figured out why eventually. They were talking to each group of people for a LONG time! That NEVER happens! People were going up there with the other people they came with, and just...chatted.

I had no interest in the movie beforehand, it looked stupid. But I had to pretend to be looking forward to it. So, all of the sudden I was on stage, by MYSELF! Because I came by myself...heh heh heh! And you know what? Joey Kern is HOT!!!!!

So, I walk up all by my lonesome, and Vince says "What is up????" (Enunciating each syllable) And then I said "I'm all by my lonesome!" And so Vince replies with "That's okay. Most of the people here don't like the people they came with."

I knew I was gonna have fun after that! I chatted with them for a long long time. Just me, and them. Joey and I talked about theater. He went to NYU, and studied theater there. We ended up also talking about my mom having cancer, so I hadn't had previous school plans, and he said "You'll make it. And you can use those emotions on stage." Vince piped in with "Perhaps we will be in a feature together someday!" And I squealed...I did. Embarrassing! Joey knew what Harvey was about, and said it takes a lot of talent to play Veta. *YAY* So, they gave me a movie poster, and Vince wrote "I love you and your brain", while Joey wrote "Corrie, you rock!"

I told them how disappointed my brother would be that he wasn't there with me, so they made out a poster for him too. I told them to make it out to Jammer, because that's my nickname for him. I also mentioned that he works in the tea room, so Joey wrote " Jammer, I hate tea!" And Vince wrote "Jammer, I eat rats!"

They were awesome guys. So of course, my heart all a flutter, I promised myself I would go see Grind. And I did! It was sooooo good. Thank god I met them, or I would have missed out on a great flick! Adam Brody is in it...and thanks to me, he is Kelly's new obsession. He is also on Gilmore Girls and the OC, two of our favorite shows. I found out later that he was supposed to be at the mall of america as well...that would have been AWESOME! Someone I would have actually wanted to meet before I got there. That's only happened...once. One person that I was actually wanting to meet because I had previously been a fan. Nick Carter. Everyone else I've met I became a fan AFTERWARDS.

Joey Kern was also in Cabin Fever, which I dragged Sunnie to....she's still upset about that. It was...gross.

Well, I've got to go! Time to go home. Later!

Me

You have to be lost to find your way home. Think about that!

What do a pimp and pirate have in common? They both say "Yo ho!" That has got to be my favorite joke ever. *grins* Anyway! I'm @ work again, with nothing really to write about. I'm done in an hour, and then I have to go buy feline pine cat litter for Harvey Kinkle Binkle...that's what I've taken to calling him lately. He's so funny...

Mmm... tomorrow I have the day off, so i plan on going to go get the "Love Actually" soundtrack (A movie I have seen twice now. I took Sunnie to see it yesterday. She actually LIKED it! That doesn't happen often with Sunnie and movies.) and then doing something fun... something fun? I have no idea what to do... No, not that. I already saw it twice!

See how pointless this entry was? My break is already over... oh, there WAS a really cute guy in today, who was very disappointed by the fact that he couldn't tip me. (We're not allowed to accept tips.) He had an adorable southern accent. Mmm...I love accents!

Well, I'm gonna go back to work now *sniff* I'll write more about my pure boredom some other time. Later!

-- c'est moi

Hey there! Look at me, I'm getting back into the swing of the journal thing. I'm at work again, surprise surprise...waiting for my last batch of beans to cool so I can shut the machine down, clean it out, and go home. I was supposed to work from 2-6 today, but really? You can roast anytime, as long as you do it everyday. I came in at 9:30, because I was up, and I wanted a free day, not a day with a huge hole in the middle.

I closed last night with Jean, who's just adorable! She's in her 50s or 60s I guess, and we just laugh all the time. Neither of us had really closed before, so it was...an adventure that's for sure.

When I got home at 10:30, no one was there! Sunnie had Sadie's, and my brother was still in Wisconsin. My parents were...elsewhere. So what did I do? Sang at the top of my lungs to my poor unsuspecting doggies before taking a shower and collapsing in front of the TV that doesn't work... *whines* Now that's a long story...

Too long, because I think it's time to go clean the machine and go home. YAY! More later I'm sure. Because my life is oh-so eventful!

Later taters,

Me

Argh, I am so dang tired! I woke up this morning absolutely thrilled, because I had slept reasonably okay! I woke up at 11 am. 11 AM! If you don't know me, you have no idea how remarkable that is. I sighed in relief after briefly panicking, trying to figure out why I wasn't somewhere else (ie work) when I realized I didn't work until 2 pm. 2-10...yay.

So, I got up, took a shower, muched on some cereal, popped in a movie to munch by, and settled in for a relaxing "morning". My parents were still sleeping, so life was good. Until the phone rang.

It was the Avalon Tea Room wondering where the heck my brother Jamie was. He was almost an hour and a half late for work, and the dishes were piling up! Where was he? On his way to Wisconsin. He KNEW he was scheduled, he just decided to be stupid. So, I called his friend's cell phone, screamed at him, then handed the phone over to my dad...he was ....really unhappy about it...(to put it nicely)

You know what's really funny? I'm at work right now, after roasting beans for four hours, preparing to work behind the counter for four hours... and so I was trying to write my dad was mad, but I wanted to write a word that rhymes with dissed. This computer is censored, so it won't let me! Not even with spaces in between the letters. This is what it does: ....ed

Isn't that funny? You can write it with dashes though. p-i-s-s-e-d hehe. It won't let you write that, but it will let you write shit and bitch and damn but definately not .... (guess what that is)

Anyway! I went and saw "Love Actually" like I said I would last night. The place was packed! I thought it was the Matrix crowd in the line that curled from one end of the theater down the hallway of the other end. But no. When Love Actually was called out, the line idea was abandoned and there was a mad rush. I was reasonably lucky, and squirmed in pretty early on. I found a good seat by myself, and really really enjoyed it.

There was some rather uneccessary nudity, but other than that...it was good! I laughed a lot. Colin Firth was a sweetie again *grins* And Hugh Grant was of course hilarious...and sweet. The guy who played the guy Laura Linney really liked was really hot! But what happened with them?? Grrrr.... if you see it, you'll know what I mean.

Five more minutes before it's time for me to go back to work...what shall I do? Contract a strange virus that will demand immediate attention from a tall dark handsome stranger doctor man? I definately would not be able to work. No, no no. It's a serious disease. It's called... um....something really serious sounding. Yeah.

Well, looks like it's time for me to go to work now...*sigh* Unless I get that disease....I'll write more later. Ciao!

C'est Moi

Hey there howdy hi how are ya? Excellent! Good to hear it! Well, I'm at the coffee shop, surprise surprise. I got off about forty minutes ago, but I'm hanging out on the internet, because the movie I plan on taking myself to doesn't start for another hour. What am I going to go see? "Love Actually". I can't wait to see it! I've been waiting, because it has a lot of people I quite enjoy in it. Especially Keira Knightley.

Keira Knightley was the object of my undying envy when I first saw her in Pirates of the Caribbean. The first woman to kiss Orlando Bloom on screen... and she's so beautiful. And she's YOUNGER than me! How depressing... and she's british. I want so badly to be british. I want so badly to be Keira Knightley! I also loved her in "Bend It Like Beckham" Which I of course own. Wonderful movie.

Anyway! That movie opens today, so I'm taking myself out. I drive now, so that's a possibility. Now that Kelly is gone, it's vital that I drive...otherwise, I'd never leave the house. Since she and I were so much alike, we loved all the same things. All the same places. I never went anywhere without her... and that was a good thing. I didn't mind tagging along, because I usually wanted to go there too. Anyway! So, since she's gone, I HAVE to go by myself, or I wouldn't go at all. Why? Because everyone else sucks, that's why. I'm too unusual. And I have no friends under 30. Hmmm, how'd that happen? Oh, that's right. I'm an old lady. I gotta be what...126 by now?

So! I have 15 minutes until I plan to leave....what do I write about? Sunnie's new boyfriend?? *grins*

Paul. He's terrific. I think he could possibly be the one for her. Wouldn't that be grand? He's the only one the whole family has really been excited about. The only other one I liked was Klecker, but that's because he was my bestest buddy, so that was the reasoning behind that. I knew they had no future. They were too young! But Paul? He's perfect for her, and sometimes... I imagine their future together. I wouldn't mind having him as a brother. My mom and Paul's mom are already planning shopping trips together. Isn't that fantastic? Sometimes I think it's my MOM who's in love with Paul. *grins* Sunnie Stauff... has a nice ring to it. I hope it works out for them. They'd have nice looking children.

So where's my prince charming? Still looking... Sometimes I just feel empty... so many people have come and gone, and I feel stuck in the same place. Dreams too big and far away. But everyone tells me they're not out of reach. If all my english teachers knew I was working everyday at a coffee shop instead of going to school...they'd probably never speak to me again. They all thought I'd have my name in lights by now. Or at least write a best seller... Acting and writing. Not the most promising of careers for an overweight dreamer from White Bear Lake... I have a head full of stories waiting to be written down, but do I have the original spin that makes those stories interesting? To act in Hollywood you need the looks. To act on stage you need the voice. I don't have either. But do I have something else to set me apart? I don't know. Being on the top in White Bear theater doesn't mean you're off the bottom anywhere else... White Bear talent isn't much of a comparison.

I stress myself out sometimes... I could try and be a carbon copy...but it costs thousands to lose things (If you know what I mean) which is so dumb! And it costs money to gain other things. All this money that I don't have....grr and a half times ten! Oh, well. Well! I think I'm going to go to my movie now, and complain more later.

If anyone still reads this...I bet I love you!

Always, Moi

"Take a look, here I am. Can't you see? One simple smile from you could set me free. So if you take a look, let your heart be your guide. I'll show you love if you take a look, at the girl inside." - 'Take a look', Kirsten Dunst, "Get Over It"

Hello all! Or maybe no one reads this anymore. I guess that's perfectly okay, this entry is more for my own sanity anyway. It's been forever and a day since I've written in this thing...

I've been pricked with a twinge of guilt everytime I sign onto the internet, and every single time I sign off after not writing a single thing down in this journal. So... we'll do a quick update. Or maybe not so quick! We'll see how long my fingers feel like typing tonight.

Kelly moved to Connecticut. Sometimes I view her as my last link to sanity. And now that that link is gone... After she left, I thought of Jessi Campbell that way. She and I had sleepovers, watched every Orlando Bloom movie in existense, tore open and re-stuffed my gigantic fair Shark. (HUGE mess! Snow like styrofoam all over her entire house...one of the best days of my life)

Jessi was preparing to leave to Spain. She was down to her last couple of days, and she wanted to spend time with me. ME! Corrie...just plain me.

When Nikki was getting ready to go off to college, she had time for everybody BUT me. We talked about it in the hour she reserved just for me... but it still didn't feel right. They both left, and I missed them both. Right off the bat I sent things to Nikki to make her feel loved, wanted, and missed. I recieved nothing back. It's not like I give to recieve, I just give hoping to be appreciated...nothing.

About 2 weeks after Jessi left, I got two postcards from her in the mail. Saying how much she wishes I were there with her... and I wanted to be there with her.

Lurae and Dustin visited Nikki last week. I wasn't invited of course...didn't expect to be. But I didn't feel like I was missing much. I know how many wheels there are on that vehicle. And I don't feel like being the spare anymore.

I miss Kelly very much. Her cell phone number is still local, so I call it all the time. She is the one and only person on this planet that appreciates absolutely anything and everything about me. And she understands everything. She laughs at all my jokes, and continually tells me I'm destined for fame. I've never felt better about myself than when I'm talking to my older sister. She looks out for me. So in other words? My attorney has moved to Connecticut. When it comes to my family now, I have to fend for myself.

So yes...Kelly, Jessi, and Nikki are gone, along with my sanity. What else? Oh, yes! I still work one day a week at the tea room. I also work at Dunn Bros. Coffee shop. I just got a promotion. I'm now a barista and a roaster. Meaning I make drinks, and roast the coffee beans. Roasting is NOT EASY! But I got a dollar raise, so I best not complain.

Sunnie and I met Hanson awhile back. Got it all on video of course. Pleasantries pleasantries... Ummmm... I have a boyfriend! Just kidding. Mmm...Beier and I have had recent "discussions"...yay. He has a girlfriend that he just LOVES to talk about. No really. I'm happy for him. I enjoy my co-workers. i'm half their age, but still. They like me. We're going out together on Thursday. They can't wait til I'm 21, so they can take me to the "fun" places.

My birthday is a little over a month away...but after last year? I'm not planning on having a birthday. We'll see what happens... sometimes I just hate myself.

My obsession with Pirates of the Caribbean has not slowed down at all. I saw it...many times, and I was Jack Sparrow for Halloween. A very good Jack Sparrow I might add! No, not really. I was more of a miscellaneous pirate that sounded much more like Captain Barbosa. Oh, well. I scared the small children quite well!

I can't think of much else to update you on at the moment...but now that I've given a background, hopefully my next entries will be solo-topic focused.

Over and out, love you lots, may the sun shine like a barrel and a fire cracker....and the wha---? Sleep. Yes. Good. Au Revoir!

-- Moi

To everyone I know, don't know, would like to know, would like to forget...JUST KIDDING! I have a little announcement to make.

Some of you may or may not have heard that I was moving to New York. If you have heard, then you know I was leaving today, the 17th. WAS is the keyword here, because I didn't leave. I didn't go. I'm NOT going.

If any of you who knew I was going, really KNEW me, you knew I didn't want to go. People have been telling me they could read it on my face as plain as day. When people would ask me if I was excited, I would say no. But I thought I had no other choice.

My parents continually told me that if I didn't live my life the way they planned it out for me, college when and where, etc etc, I would have to move out. I had no way of moving out, at least not yet. So I found a way. A nanny in New York. Seemed perfect. I wanted it to be perfect. But to me, it felt like a trap. I put on a good face, convinced myself it was perfect for me, and began the preparations. I had to quit the perfect job for me here, because I had to get away from home.

The people I was going to be working for? The woman was a stay at home mom, real hoity toity, really social, really...rich. Sickened me. She just wanted someone to take her children away, so she could go out and have fun with the other socialites. It bothered me, but it was good money. I HAD to be happy...right? But I wasn't. Something felt very very very wrong. But I had no other choice. None. Nope. Nada.

One of my biggest reasons for leaving, is that I felt I wouldn't be missed. Sure, my friend of convenience status would be missed. My cleaning skills would be missed. My 'I'll listen to your problems without giving you any of mine' reputation would be sadly missed. But i didn't feel like anyone knew enough of me to miss me. But I've often found myself living in that woe is me world. But...enough negative influences can do that to you, forgive me for it or not, that's just the way it is.

Anyway...a few days before scheduled leaving day, I saw my dearest closest most beloved brother like friend I've ever had. He saved my life, waking me up in the process. So, I have to say a thank you just to him.

"Edward"-- Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over. You proved what I didn't think was possible. That people care, and that I'm stupid. I don't resent that of course, I appreciate it. Thank you for the prayer, and thank you for being the messenger. And thank you so much for sticking by me. I know I've most likely made it difficult. You're one of the only people who can see past the circumstances, and know that sometimes, people just have to lose control, and lose themselves. Because otherwise, they'd never know they needed to find their way back. Most people can't see that, and that's sad. But you've always been there when I needed a hand to hold onto, and this time, you had help. God bless you! Thank you for helping me realize I DID have a choice. Thank you for helping me realize the right one. Thank you for helping me to let go and let God. And thank you for being my friend, and my brother. I love you very very much, and I expect to see you more often! *grins*

He, among a few others have offered me a home, to get me out of this house. If things go down a bad road again, I hope those offers still stand! Please let me know *laughs*

Maybe this news disappoints some of you. Maybe you thought you were rid of me, or maybe you thought I'd actually make it somewhere. Well, taking care of children 24/7 doesn't leave much room for broadway. If it's meant to be, I'll get there someday. I'll find a way. As for right now, I'm figuring things out. I have A LOT to figure out, believe me...but I'm so relieved. I wasn't ready for it, and it wasn't right. They needed me for at least a year anyway, and...that would be a trap. I don't want to be someone else's care taker forever. As "Edward" told me...I't would be a waste of all my talents. *Grins*

Well, one last little list of thank yous...Ed, thanks again bro. You're a lifesaver. You finally let me cry, and made it okay to do so. Beier, sorry for being so hard on you. You did what you did, because you're human. Can't expect anything else, because that would be silly. I need to stop doubting caring people, right? JESSI--sorry to disappoint you! Now, our original plans. 70 times was it? The Pirates are waiting. I'm on #4, how about you? SARAH-- Funny how you waited until the day I left to write me. Too bad I'm still here, huh? Now you actually have to practice what you preach *laughs* LAURYN-- Well, I guess you never got around to that surpise party, huh? Oh, well. I forgive you! My birthday is in December. And I'm simply overjoyed that your older sister is still gonna be around for ya! Hope you are too. SCOTT--- you knew it from the beginning, but respected me enough to figure it out on my own...with a little help from God, of course. Always and forever. CHRISTY-- We can still be friends, YAY! We'll keep up with the guy stories then, huh? And are ya ready to go bunny shoppin?? Unless you already did...*whines* And to everyone else: I love you, even if you hate me. And that's the way it goes.

Corrie

Okay, I know I've been neglecting this journal for awhile. But, alas. I've been very not busy! Yes, it's true...as disappointing as it may seem, I'm not moving to New York. Not yet, anyway. Maybe someday. But for right now...well. I sent an e-mail to everyone whose e-mail addresses I had. So for those of you whose e-mail address I DO NOT have, and you read this journal...I'll put a copy of the e-mail in here for you to read, so I don't have to repeat myself. *laughs*

But before I do that, I must tell you a little story. But I don't feel like it. So I'll make it the short version. One week ago exactly, I had just finished putting everything BACK together in my room, after destroying it, trying to pack. Nikki was on her way over to my house, so we could spend the day together. I had made my bed all pretty and everything, and it's a top bunk with a couch beneath it, so I really didn't feel like climbing all the way up there, and ruining it when I was expecting company. (A poster had fallen down from up there, so I HAD to put it back up, but didn't want to ruin the bed to do it) So, I did something I've done a million times before. I held onto the guard rail, put one foot on the windowsill next to the bed, and hoisted myself up, kneeling sideways with my other leg. I put the poster back up, and then twisted around so i could get down. My knee that was securing my position on the windowsill severely dislocated, and I fell backward, headfirst off the bunk. I smacked my head against the floor and bruised up my entire body in the process. SEVERE pain followed, but I miraculously got up and walked around a few minutes later. My knee was fine until later that afternoon, when Nikki and I decided to hang out in a hurricane...long story.

Anyway! The next entry will be that e-mail, and it's important and all that jazz...so. Yeah. I better go get that done and over with. *grins* Later!

Well, let's see... I told Nikki I was leaving. She cried...she cried a lot. Especially when she saw that I had traded rooms with my brother. I felt bad...then I cried, because I am going to miss her SOOOO much! But---she'll come visit me in her all time favorite place in the whole wide world.

There's a lot of bunny poop in the cage next to me...hmmm...maybe I should do something about that. Eh, I'll do it tomorrow. I keep putting EVERYTHING off...including packing. I've only packed two things. My CDs and my DVDs. Silly silly silly. But they're my priorities afterall.

So there's not really much to report at the moment...yesterday was my last day at work. Afterwards, Jan and Becky (my bosses) took me out to eat at "Ingredients". I had never been there, and that was so nice of them! After that, my co-worker and friend Alli took me to Uptown to a coffee house called "Uncommon Grounds"...at least I think that's what it was called...ANYWAY! That was fun! Different for me, but fun just the same.

So! (as you should all be used to by now) There's this guy....heh heh heh. Enough said for now. *luv to Willoughby*

Well, I'll write more later, I'm sure! Peace for now peoples.

I got the New York job. I leave July 17th. So for all you guys out there who have fallen madly in love with me...now's your chance! I'm almost gone! Tell me NOW before I go away forever!

Okay, now that I got that out of my system...Do I want to go? I don't know. As a told my friend Scott, it's like...totally unfair. It's like my life is just like moving out of your childhood home. The place you've comfortably spent your whole life in, no matter how crappy it seemed sometime. Then you decide to move, and you make the house perfect. You fix things up, you get brand new appliances...everything sparkles, and as you leave, you wonder why it was never like that when you lived there....

That's how my life feels right now. As I'm preparing to leave, I realize it's become the life I've always wanted. I've met..."people", I have the perfect job, I've made new friends. I can finally feel things again without being afraid of getting hurt. I feel like a real person, and I don't want to give that up. Start all over. And what if...eh, nevermind. I've already written about that I think. Well...Seriously, people. Don't let me leave without knowing you really truly want me to stay, but then think it would be good for me. That's your line. Memorize it, rehearse it, make it believable. I'm an actress people, therefore very good at detecting a lie! *laughs*

Well, life is hectic, because I leave in about two weeks. This all happened way too quickly! I had to quit my job at the tea room today. I really didn't want to do it, I was so scared. Not because I was afraid they would be mad at me, I knew that once I told them this was really real. I was really leaving, and I was really giving up the perfect job. They were so great about it, and said they expect a Christmas card. I'm still writing theme teas for them via e-mail. I'm going to miss that place so much, I really really am. I only have two days left there, because they're closed for a couple of weeks around Independance Day. WHICH MEANS: I will have a LOT OF FREE TIME. To do things with friends, to attend surprise farewell parties...whatever the case may be!

Well, anyway. I guess I'll be off now. I'm typing away on my new iMac. Heh, it's kinda fun. My sister won it for me on ebay. Only $280! So anyway. Over and out. E-rokin, never stoppin, peace peace peace!

Well...I find out tomorrow if I get the New York job. If I do, that means Kelly and I can go there together at the same time. Driving, I mean. Kelly gets to bring Darla, and I get to bring Harvey. I'm so conflicted. AHHH! Okay. I want to get away, I know that. From everything, and everyone. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in the way. If I leave, I'm finally the one going somewhere. Even if it's just symbolic. I'm not the one who's going to be left behind this time. I'm going somewhere. But am I going the way I'm supposed to?

If I take the job, I can leave my mother and the insane work that goes with her, (although I love her very much...I can't stand her most days) I'm leaving anyone and everyone I've ever encountered in my entire life. I've already expressed my fears of going without being missed...

I'm the cool director, or the older sister figure, or the good friend when the real friends are all tied up. I hate the identity I've created for myself. Because when push comes to shove, and the week comes to an end, I'm the one who sits at home alone. I know there's a billion and a half people who care about me, because they've all told me so. I'm just so...I don't know. Sometimes I feel dead, because I don't feel this emotion. It really doesn't help that the majority of my friends are theater people. ACTORS. I'm so paranoid...I wish I hadn't listened to all the things I grew up hearing. We won't go into that...

If I go to New York, I leave the Tea Room. The only job I've ever had that I've actually enjoyed. They really like me there, and have already designated a billion responsibilites to me that no one else can accomplish. The creative director? Writing theme teas? Finding actors and other entertainment for every event? I really don't want to let them down. But I don't think I have a choice. My mom said if I don't go to college in the fall, I have to move out. I can't afford to move out with the hours I have at the tea room since they hired too many people. So I had to find a way to move out, so I did. I'm a New York Nanny...almost. My mom continually tells me I'm going to fail...that makes me want to go and prove her wrong. But I have to do what's right for me...if only I knew what that was.

I'm so scared I met the man I'm supposed to be with here in Minnesota, and I didn't realize it? Sure, God has a plan, but he also gave us free will so we can make mistakes. What if this is a huge mistake and I can end up a failure all alone? Why won't someone ask me to stay....

I need to stop thinking that way. Everyone's life will go on whether I stay here or not, and I don't like my life here. I like my job, but that's not enough to keep me out of the dark places I traveled to before. AHHH! Well, I'll find out tomorrow. I'll decide tomorrow. I may possibly collapse into a lifeless heap...tomorrow. I'll let you know... peace to all. Especially to me. AHHHHHHHH

Okay, everyone! Read a story and learn a little something! Go to http://settledfor.blogspot.com and enjoy! I only have the intro up, but trust me. I don't have to plan a plot, it just comes to me when it feels like it.

Nothing has happened really to update you on. My parents know about New York and I'm not dead yet. That says heaps! Maybe this is the right thing to do? I don't know...good glory. I need to go to bed. My brain is all worn out! Later, peace out!