So I'm still pretty sick. Last night was the worst of it. BJ called after he got off work. He talked to me for a little while, and then he had to go "eat dinner" ---which usually consists of a couple hours watching TV with the family..whatever. Usually I just wait patiently, but I felt really really sick, and I just wanted to hear him. I kept having mini coughing attacks. I sat on the bathroom floor for awhile. The bad thing I hate happened...where you cough so hard for so long, that instead of just hacking stuff up, you make yourself sick. Reverse ham sandwich...not so yummy.

Benlee had called while I was sitting in the bathroom. His message said to call him for anything. But honestly? I knew nothing would help. Nothing outside of what I'm used to, anyway. I had told BJ I felt "really not good"... but I guess that didn't connect. He said he would try to get through with "dinner" as soon as he could. Almost two hours later...

I was mad, because I was jealous. He has his family. I thought about begging him to come and stay with me last night. There are some things only boyfriends can do, like hold you in their arms until you fall asleep. When he called back I was so upset and exhausted, that I blurted out something I didn't even know was on my mind. "I WANT TO GO HOME". He was quiet, and I apologized. I said I didn't mean it. I still don't know if I did. Technically there's no "home" to go home to anyway. My room is dad's new office.

We talked everything over again. Everything is always the same. I feel bad, and then he feels bad, and then I feel bad for making him feel bad. I know it will all turn out all right, but none of it happened like I had planned.

BJ is it for me. I know I'm supposed to be with him for the rest of my life. He's my one. My one and only. Last night he was talking about our future. A future I can fully trust and believe in, because FINALLY I know it's really going to happen. I just wish the future was NOW, ya know?

I keep thinking I made a mistake. Not a mistake in being with him, no no. But I left my world to be with BJ. To BE with BJ, not see him once or twice a week for a few hours. That probably sounds selfish...but I think I deserve to be selfish after all the waiting for everything and everybody. It's my turn!

I wish I would have tried harder...pushed people harder to help me stay in Montgomery. I asked Kelly to live in Montgomery...but I completely understood why both she and Benlee wanted Kelly in Opelika. I gave up Montgomery because Opelika is easy. Benlee is taking care of everything he can, and I am so grateful. Unfortunately it's just awkward. Just like I could never spend tons of time with Paul without Sunnie. Benlee is a great guy! But Benlee is Kelly's boyfriend. Kelly gets to live in the same building as he does. Kelly gets to see him every day for the rest of her life. I feel like it was my turn, my time to do that. I shouldn't complain. I got 6 weeks.

Benlee says he's grateful to me for making this sacrifice. BJ is grateful to me for making the sacrifice to move down here in the first place. I'm grateful to both of them for everything they've done. I just wish it were different. I wish it were different...I wish, I wish, I wish. Enough wishes. Time for my fairy tale ending...

Okay. That's it, I'm done complaining about it. I promise. No more. I'll get over it. Good things come to those who wait. I waited and prayed forever to find BJ...so another forever is nothing to wait for my happily ever after, right? Right. I'll start chanting that in my sleep and soon I'll start believing it. This is the last time I'm gonna whine like a little kid and say it.... IT'S NOT FAIR!!! WAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOO!!!!!! ...ahem. Okay. I'm done now.

I miss you. Who, you ask? All of you. I feel disconnected from everything I've ever known. "Misery, is what I feel when you're not around, so I can't heal...Misery is what I feel, it's what I feel..." Go Scottie boy Moffatt man. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Peace

Me

I am ill. Girls are cursed. Forgive me for bringing it up, but come on! Poor, poor girls. Especially those of us cursed twice as much by certain additional "female problems". They make me sick. Literally. Curses be to sugar week! Every month, I get the attitude that states ; if I could stop being a girl, I would RIGHT NOW!. But then I rationalize, and think...no no no. Then I'd have to be a gay man. And I don't want that. No. And since BJ isn't a gay man either, it just wouldn't work.

I know, I know. I'm beyond help. But seriousy. Awake half the night. I've been on the couch all day, so I decided to sort of stretch and walk all the way up here...one floor up, I'm telling you. It's rough. I don't think I'll last long vertically. But something to keep my mind of the pain/dizziness/nausea...oh yes. My blog!

So I've been having a rough time, no doubt. I miss my family, I miss BJ...he came to visit me for a while yesterday. I blinked and he was gone. I hate that. In bed at night I sometimes find myself wishing I had never moved to Alabama. Then I think of all the times I felt completely miserable in Minnesota! I then came to realize I would be unhappy either way. I guess I just have to find out which one is worse. I don't like being miserable...duh.

So that's that. Not much has changed, I guess. This is a bad week. Forgive me ahead of time. And Sugar week never lasts 1 week. Usually it's almost always two. Cursed, cursed, cursed. I quit...I wish. I wish I had something better to write about. But no... the couch calls.

I miss my family. I hope I get to see them soon.

Bonjour!

I can't help but feel a little bit French being in Benlee's apartment. It's fun though! Anyway! So I moved to Opelika. It is a very nice apartment. Different from Benlee's, so I'm looking forward to Kelly's reaction. True, it's the same floor plan, but the actual floors are different, and the bathroom is different....everything is brighter and more feminine. Makes sense, since Benlee's apartment is a true bachelor pad. Seriously, it's cute! All the food he has is either cereal, or can be made in the microwave.

My apartment downstairs has a brand new stove! Kelly and I are both very excited about that. We'll be cooking soon.

I moved in on Saturday, today is Tuesday. No running water yet, but that was because no $ for deposit, and Benlee the knight is taking care of all that. We (Kelly, BJ, myself) have been so blessed with Benlee. Thank you GOD! Your plan is awesome.

So in other news...living alone is trying, since it's the first time. Kelly hasn't even lived completely alone before. But...it's kinda like Benlee is my roommate. I see him all the time. That helps a lot. I really do miss BJ though. I got so spoiled seeing him every day for six weeks. After having a long distance relationship, I was just so happy to be able to see him whenever I wanted. To visit him at work...it was just so wonderful. It still IS wonderful, I just might only get to see him once or twice a week. I'm still hoping there's a way for me to keep my Sunday mornings with him. As a couple, we want to attend church together. It really strengthens our mutual relationship with Christ. ALONG with our daily devotionals we do. I'm finally starting to feel a lot closer to God. He's blessed BJ and I both so much.

Kelly will be here in a couple weeks, and hopefully by then I'll have a job and a routine. If not...to be honest, I'm really enjoying this much needed time off. I loved being with BJ's family, but there was always so much drama in and out of that house, I started to feel like a nutcase. I'm appreciating the quiet. That was hard at first, but...I'm getting used to it. And since I haven't slept in about a week, my body is a little angry with me. I'm still a night owl, but I CAN actually fall asleep now. Maybe because Cody loves twin size beds and is now curling up by me again. He slept on the floor the whole time we lived with BJ. Well, that's also because he LOVES BJ. He would sleep on the bed with BJ, but not with me. Little poop...nah. Cody is OUR doggie. BJ takes good care of him. Probably better than I do. They have races down the street. BJ usually beats the old man, but I think Cody beat him once or twice.

So I guess that's about it for now. I thought I should write an entry since I actually DID something, and should probably record it. Life is calm now. No more headaches...unless I mess my neck up. But I guess I was referring to the metaphoric headaches...yeah. Most of those are gone now. I think, I hope, I pray. So that's that!

I'm off to go do something else. I don't know what yet, but my eyes are starting to reject Benlee's computer monitor. It's an odd one...

Bye for now friends of mine! Contact me or something....*sniff* I miss you.

ME!

Me and my Baby

I have a lot to learn. I have to learn to let go. I have to learn to forget. I have to learn how to not think about a past I wasn't even a part of. I need to stop obsessing. I need to learn to be happy. I'm really bad at letting myself be happy.

Remember way back when to the beginning of this journal when I flooded it with Nick Carter lyrics? Some of them are just so perfect. I think I shall begin again! Yes. I will. As cheesy teeny bopper as it sounds, I still love Nick Carter's album. Speaking of the BSB, Brian is AWESOME! Brian Littrell, ladies and gentlemen. He's got a new single out entitled "In Christ Alone". My beloved BJ was amazing enough to download it as a ringtone. I love my baby!

So anyway. Back to lyrics. I think the one I have selected for today is just downright perfect. Enjoy! (Especially you)

"Help Me"

I wish I could define
All the thoughts that crossed my mind
They seem too big for me to choose
I don't know which ones to lose
When I'm falling down so far
I think I'll never see your light
Bouncing off of me
Shining down here from your eyes

Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrong
Weak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here

It's like I got the signals crossed
With messages I can't decode
Half asleep, never wide awake
And I'm in complete overload
I got so much information here
And nothing I can really grasp
I should know the truth
But I'm too afraid so I have to ask

Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrong
Weak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here

Wanna know you
More than anything
I need you
In my every dream, you're there for me
Do you love me?
For who I am, no angel
Just an ordinary (wo)man

Help me figure out why I'm stuck in the middle
Trying to understand why I can't
Why you're such a riddle
Got my eyes crossed
I'm thinking so hard and I know I'm missing the mark
Can you help me sort out
All this information
I'm just rackin' my brain, baby
Paying attention
But I'm still lost
And at all costs
I gotta know

So! What's up? Oh yeah. That's my question to answer. Let's see. What happened first? Oh, yeah! Valentine's Day! It was wonderful. It came in stages. First BJ brought me a balloon decorated with roses and fluttering butterflies attached to the outside. Then he had to go back to work. THEN he brought me three beautiful red roses in a vase with a red bow around it that said "I love you" everywhere.

That was when he came home that evening, and I was already dressed and ready. He got dressed in a suit and tie. (A Winnie The Pooh tie with hearts. It was so cute!!) We hung around for a bit, and then it was off to dinner!

BJ had made reservations for us at Dabbo's, a restaurant he had actually done some valet parking for a few times. They had a delicious Valentine's Menu. There were four choices, with no prices listed. (But c'mon. It was Valentine's Day, it was really nice, it was expensive. But it was SOOOO good!)

They had the cutest little boy dressed up in a tux giving roses to all the ladies. BJ has the sweetest, most intense stare sometimes. He would look at me from across the table, and I could hardly breathe. I would whisper 'what'? And he would just look at me and say "I love you." Oh my gosh! I melted.

After dinner, we stopped at his friend Aaron's house. It was really nice meeting another one of BJ's friends. Aaron is so funny. I really enjoyed meeting him.

After THAT, we went to Huntingdon to visit Nicole. She gave me a yellow rose. Aww! We chatted for awhile, and BJ pretended to be a CIA agent. I told him he wasn't quite convincing enough with the Winnie the Pooh tie. He was so funny though! Huntingdon has as a security entrance, and you have to push a button to get out. That was BJ the misplaced CIA agent's job.

So that was Valentine's Day! Lots of hugs and kisses. I had a wonderful time. It was perfect. I love you, BJ!

The days after that have been filled with packing, cleaning, arranging...I've been helping his mom Debra organize stuff so everything looks good for the bridal shower she's throwing here on Saturday. That just happens to be the same day I move out. Hehehe! Hopefully. Did I mention that? Probably. But if not...I'm moving to Opelika, Alabama on the 25th. Kelly will be joining me there on the 19th! Her boyfriend, Benlee lives upstairs from us, and he's helping us out BIG TIME!

The whole move thing has me excited AND terrified. I like being alone, I do. But being with BJ every day, and then not being with him at all, that can be a struggle. It will probably be good for us, but I'm still worried. I'm also worried about finding a job. That's always hard, and even harder when you don't really know where you are. I guess we'll see what happens.

In other news, I've gotten BJ addicted to so many things I love! Probably at the top of the list is ALIAS. We've watched almost three seasons in less than a month. What else does he love? My favorite drink! Half lemonade, and half lemon/lime soda. (Sprite, Sierra Mist, etc...) Also, my favorite snack, Clementines! They don't really exist here, but he works at a grocery store, and special ordered himself 4 crates. It was splendid! He's so funny. Especially about Alias. He fits it in whenever possible. No matter how tired he is, he can fit in another episode. It's fun re-watching them all. So much happens in that show, that it's impossible to remember everything!

Well, anyway. Life is good. I really miss my family, but I love being with BJ. I've got my Cody, and soon Kelly and Darla will be here too. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Cairo has officially become Jamie's doggie. That was really really tough, but overall that is the best decision for the puppy. Let's just leave it at that. Cairo's happy, Jamie's happy...I feel like I lost, but hey. At least I gave him an excellent name.

So that's it for now, more later! G'bye!

ME

It's been awhile, hasn't it? There are so many times I've sat down to update in here, but instead I just...don't. Maybe because I feel like I have nothing to write about? No, I always have something to write about. Maybe it's because I don't want to write about the things I have to write about. That's probably what it is.

So I live in Alabama. Everything is pretty much how I expected it to be. Today is Valentine's Day. My first one, really. It should be fun.

I have a lot I want to write about...I think it will have to wait until tomorrow. We shall see. Later then...

Just have to take a moment to tell you a little bit about my day yesterday. I apologize if I spell the names wrong.

I awake yesterday morning to a young child's voice, in the kitchen behind my wall. I was confused. I heard the cutest little voice with the cutest little southern drawl saying :

"Uncle Jack! What are you doin?"

BJ's dad replied graciously, "Why, I'm makin' me some coffee."

"Uncle Jack! You always makin' coffee!"

I giggled to myself, as I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, followed by my usual routine of convincing Cody to jump up on BJ's stomach. I asked BJ who was here, and he said "My cousin Rhonda, and her daughter Cheyenne." We went out to say hello, and I saw one of the CUTEST little girls I have ever seen in my entire life. Golden curls, and incredibly long eyelashes. I was told she had just turned three in November.

The morning went on, and suddenly I found myself babysitting the brilliant child. She was the smartest thing I had ever seen/heard. Suddenly, she declared "I have to go poo-poo!" So, I escorted the little beauty to the bathroom. BJ made sure I didn't mind. I reminded him that I had done it a million times.

On the way there, Cheyenne grabbed a teddy bear. She dropped her pants once we reached the bathroom, and placed the bear gently on the floor beside the toilet. She hoisted herself up, and began the painful pushing. I sat on the edge of the tub to offer soothing comfort. Her pushing wasn't working. In near panic, she looked up at me and BJ and cried out "Can ya'll get some more teddy bears?" I couldn't help but laugh.

After pushing and pushing, she finally succeeded. She wrinkled her nose, and in the cutest, littlest voice ever, she whispered "Can ya'll smell it?" I laughed harder...BJ excused himself. She kept sniffing the air.

I can smell it. It smells. Yes. I can." After she wiped herself clean and jumped off the potty, she flushed the toilet, and waved goodbye sadly to her little poo-poo. "You're gone now." She sighed. "You were a nice one."

The little sweetheart offered endless entertainment for the rest of the day. She even performed her own personal rendition of "Shake Your Groove Thang" complete with an accidental strip-tease. I'm telling you...she's one of a kind. Barely three years old. Kelly would be madly in love with her.

Well that's all for now! Talk to you later!

Corrie

Hey Ya'll!

So, I've been in Alabama for a week now. My clothes are still in suitcases. I've got nowhere else to put them. Funny, huh? Not really. Everything is okay so far. I've tried to get over my paranoia about being a total burden, and in the way...I just can't shake the feeling.

I'm having a lot of fun with my new family, but I really miss my siblings and my parents. I miss my brother's insanely loud guitar amps. I miss Sunnie's random home appearances. I miss Kelly's enthusiasic broadway ramblings when she would come to visit me at the brothers Dunn. I miss being a frequent name in her journal entries. I am sad. But I'm still happy.

I keep wondering if I made the wrong decision. I really don't think I did, I just think my overall timing was bad. Oh, well. I've got BJ. He keeps my head out of the bad stuff most times. And I've got my Cody. I should be okay.

Write more some other time! Time for Devotions with BJ with our COuples devotional Bible. What a great story that is...to be told at another time.

Peace.

Over and out

SUP!

Well, a few things have happened, I guess. I live in Alabama now! Hehe. Guess that's something all right. It was a nice drive...I drove a total of 58 miles. BJ did the rest. I'm here now, and I'm job searching. Everything is good! Different, but good.

One of my biggest stresses about moving here was the puppy. I love Cairo! I'm crazy about him. But Cody...sheesh. Nothing can compare. I was dreading Cairo's cries in the night. There's nowhere to stash him here where no one can hear him. I was worried about what would happen to him if I left the house. He'd make a mess, crap everywhere, tear something to shreds, and BJ's family would have to take care of it. I hated that idea. SO...

A few days before I left, my mom made a confession. She had fallen in love with Cairo and wanted to keep him. I secretly wanted to leave him home...just for a little while! I am madly in love with that little fur ball. So mom is raising Cairo through the crazy puppy years, and when I get a place of my own, I retrieve my doggie. HOWEVER...I took CODY WITH ME! Everyone loves him here. Cody is especially in love with Debra. (BJ's mom) He's figured out that she's a total pushover for giving him dinner scraps. All he has to do is blink.

IN other news...I sent out a mass e-mail letting all my friends and family know I made it here okay, and thanking them for everything. Well, it got sent to Lynn Turner. She wrote me back, asking me to remove her from my e-mail list. AHHHH! What a witch. ARGH! I just....ergh.

In really sad news, my Grandpa doesn't have much time left. My mom and dad went to Arizona this morning to spend some time with him. Probably the last times they'll spend with him. I cry a little almost every day. I hate cancer. I'm really going to miss my Grandpa. I really really am.

So I guess that's all for now. I have to go make sure Cody isn't about to bite Lauren's finges off. Bye!

Well, it has been forever since I've written in here...so long in fact, that I couldn't remember how to login. HAHA! Funny things...anyway. I don't have much time now to make up for it, so I'll have to be brief.

So! I'm moving to Alabama in a week and 2 days. Almost less than that, because today is over halfway over. I almost didn't move...there was a huge emotional war...want details? Check out BJ's livejournal.

www.livejournal.com/users/livin4god1983

He's much better at the lengthy explanations, and I don't feel like revisiting that. He also listed excellent details about his trip up here for my birthday. So you can catch up with that there as well. Not that I don't want to write about that myself, it's just...well...I don't have the time to say everything I want to say.

So much has happened, lordy be. I met my biological father Craig Walter, and my older sister Shannon Miller, along with my nephew Tyler, and my niece Jenna. That happened on New Years Day. Wee!

Before that, my birthday happened, Christmas happened, and of course! A co-worker/friend of mine felt bad about things that had transpired with me recently. Cody attacked Sunnie and I decided not to take him to Alabama, which made me sad. My birthday party that Nancy "planned" altogether sucked, and BJ had just left, so one day I just crumbled. She decided to buy me a puppy.

She bought me a beautiful little Sheltie boy. I named him Cairo. (That name was originally thought of by Madison Pomeroy, at the age of two...I must point that out. The little genius.) I love Egypt, so it fits perfectly. He's adorable, and he's about 9 weeks old now. I'm madly in love with him, but no dog can ever compare to Cody. He's my first my last and only. My one true doggie love.

So BJ, Cairo, Craig...everything kinda happened at once. Anyway, I'm at work now. Tonight Nikki and I are going to have a sleepover, probably ending the friendly friendship we have. We'll both disappear soon. I'll always love her though. We're going to see RENT!!! One last time. And free ice cream. Oh, yes. Yes indeed.

In other and final news, I love BJ with everything I am. Thanks for sticking up for me, and being my Knight. I love you.

So, later! Maybe I'll write more some time.

Me

Yo homie, Gilligan! We's goin back to da islands! Hehehe. Well, I haven't started an entry like that in awhile. Anyway! I'm on my break here at Dunn Bros. Wait...what? TIME WARP! Yeah, I'm back here again. And I don't have much time left on my break, so I'll have to be as brief as possible. Let's see...

I quit got a job at Dunn Bros, quit Caribou, and Elke got fired. Wee! Was that brief enough? I don't really feel like going into all the details. Why focus on the negative?? I'd much rather focus on all the wonderful things going on in my life.

I've been sorta stressed about the Alabama thing. But now, I have a place to live, and I plan on leaving on January 13th! WEE! I'm really excited. Excited about actually moving, excited about where I'm living and who I'm living with, excited that I get to bring a doggie with me (although it has yet to be determined which one) and overall, I am SOOOOO excited to be able to see BJ whenever I want to.

I've already got the majority of my packing done, that's how excited I am. 2 months in advance! I can't wait. BJ is going to buy a one-way ticket and drive down there with me. Things are good now.

I don't know what I'm going to do about Christmas. I don't have the money to shop for everybody, not only that...but I have no idea WHAT to get for anyone. Crazy crazy crazy.

So that's about all I've got for now. Write more when I've got more time!!

Later taters!

Corrie

I don't hate today. I didn't hate yesterday either. In fact, life is getting better. Not that it was exactly bad before, but...hey. I've learned how to ignore some things and let them slide. I can't change people, and I can't make them see things the way I want them to see them. That's pretty much darn near impossible. So! How are things? Let me tell you.

People still complain about me talking to BJ too much. Except that I don't, I really don't. Kelly, I wish you could have been around when Paul basically lived in our house, then you really wouldn't be saying these things to me now. Your sisters are in love, why is that a bad thing?

Before BJ came along, long before BJ came along, I was not a happy person. I was continually attacked by my parents, and I would turn to Kelly. Every single time I'd call her and beg her to rescue me. If ever I needed anything, she was who I would call. A movie buddy, a trip to Target, a place to stay... that's just the way things were. But then she moved out East. I tried it for awhile and it didn't work out. The thing is though, not having Kelly near by made me fend for myself. I get along with my parents because I had to. I take myself places because I had to. If there's a disaster, I handle it on my own. Sure, she'll hear about it...but I would handle it. That's the way it had to be. I became an independant person. I don't depend on her to make me happy anymore.

Before BJ my days were filled with silence. People say he takes up so much of my time. Well...what occupied that time before? NOTHING. I wasn't going places, I wasn't doing things with people, I wasn't spending hoards of time with my family. Every one in my life has their own life. GOOD!!! Jamie has friends, and he doesn't come home after school. Sunnie doesn't even live at home anymore. My mom loves to shop shop shop and I've never in the history of the world enjoyed doing that with her. BJ didn't change my routine. What DID change my routine though was my work schedule. 3:45 every morning...I'm a freaking zombie. Those silences would be more frequent now than ever, except that I have something to fill those silences with. Kelly's at work, Jamie's at school, parents are gone, Sunnie is gone... I'm alone a lot, but I don't feel alone anymore. I have BJ. Stop hating me for it.

People blaming BJ for them missing me is really starting to get to him. No one is falling over themselves to spend time with me, and the truth of the matter is I don't want them to. I'm BORING. You never know what you've got until it's gone. Nobody wanted to occupy my silences until I found something else to fill them with. Something that wasn't my family. You didn't miss the boat, it never set sail. It's been docked with a hole in the bottom for years. I repaired it, and now it floats, but it still isn't going anywhere. Not until January anyway. WEE! Oh, it can't come soon enough.

I'm sick and tired of people making me feel bad for changing. I'm not a depressed psychotic teenager anymore. I don't write melancholy poetry, and I don't resent everyone for smiling. I'm the one smiling now. The tables have turned and I'm happy. Sunnie understands me, which I never thought to be possible. I'm really sad she's gone now. I miss her.

Sunnie and Paul... I've learned so much from them. Sunnie and Paul...he lived down the street from her and they would still be on the phone and AIM at the same time. Sunnie and Paul...they are each other's worlds, and nobody ever got enraged at them for it. Why me?

I know the difference. Sunnie's world has always been a lot bigger than mine. Family was there, but not as prominent. She had places to go, and people to go with, and so we got used to her needing other people. She loves her friends, and especially her boyfriend, and that's always been Sunnie. What has Corrie been? The cold shouldered loner who claimed that she didn't need anybody outside of her family to make her happy. So no one ever got used to her phone conversations, or her longings to be with someone else. But for me...it's just that one person. All that desire concentrated onto one human being, but Sunnie always had hers more spread out, and so no one really noticed. She fit into that scene, and the picture was widely accepted. My picture looks crude and artificial, so nobody likes it. Well, tough. God's the artist, so deal with it.

I wish Corrie and BJ were immediately accepted like Sunnie and Paul. Don't get me wrong, everyone loves BJ, and they love that I love him...but they don't want me to change. I'm sorry, but I have to. The rest of my life is going to be with this man, and I need to know him.

Anyway...to sum it up, I'm just tired of people saying I don't spend time with them, or all I think about is BJ blah blah blah. I'm around everyone so much, you'd think they'd be sick of me. I wish they would tell me what they really want...but they don't. They're scared of something. They do things without me all the time. What are they talking about????

Moving on. I had THE BEST TRIP TO ALABAMA! It was so wonderful. I kinda felt like I was in the way,(BJ and his family were in the process of moving) but...I still had a wonderful time. Here's the short version:

1. Friday, October 7th-- Arrived in AL, went to Wal-Mart, ate dinner, fell asleep...

2. Saturday, October 8th-- Day trip to TN!! BJ met Randy, Jackie, Melissa, Joey, and Melody! Jackie made dinner. We got home at 2:30am.

3. Sunday, October 9th--Went to church at Frazer for both the traditional and contemporary services. THEN we hit up the Montgomery Zoo for FREE!! We even got a train ride. After that we visited Kris and family, ate some chicken, watched EVITA...well, tried to...(BJ and I fell asleep...sorry Kris!)

4. Monday, October 10th-- FAIR DAY! First, we went to the new house so they could show me around, and hung out with the family a bit. Then BJ and I hit the Alabama National Fair! I really did have a wonderful time. Granted, I got a little sick on a couple of the rides, it was one of the greatest days of my life. I even got to fulfill a little fantasy of mine of kissing at the top of the ferris wheel. *te-he-he*

5. Tuesday, October 11th-- Hung out at the house, cuddled a bit, brought mom some lunch at work, went shopping for my mom's birthday present, visited Nicole at her dorm, went home, ate dinner, watched Cellular, fell asleep, woke up, went to new house at 1:30am or so to find my Bambi DVD BJ had packed with his stuff, went to "wal-mart" (haha) came home, went to bed...

6. Wednesday, October 12th-- woke up, snuggled, cuddled, sniffled, went to Oaktree, went to dad's shop, went to airport, tearful goodbye... home again, time to celebrate Mom's birdthay! Wee...

So that was the trip in a nutshell. When I first got there, BJ greeted me with a bouquet of roses, and a heart shaped balloon that said "I Love You", and then he presented me with a ring. It was his mother's, and it's going to serve as a promise ring. I was so...wow. I was so happy. It made me really happy...I love it so much. I love HIM so much!! I really miss him. He's coming up here for like...a day in December for my birthday. (December 15th for those of you who have forgotten). And then I move in January!

In other news, Caribou is interesting. Elke has taken another job managing a new store in Maplewood. Fazoli's is becoming a Caribou with another bou-thru, and it is opening December 31st. I plan on moving mid-January, so I offered to move with Elke and help her get started for a couple weeks. She was all for it! Part of it was selfish, because I didn't want to waste my time trying to impress another manager when I can just follow the one who loves me to a store right by the mall. Yes! Anyway...so yeah. Today was fun at work, I was really entertaining with my broadway parodies...Caribou style. Elke was begging me to perform at some annual Caribou meeting or something. I said I would if she gave me a million dollars. She said she would work on that. HAHA!

Well, I better get going. Later taters!!

Me

To quote my little brother, "I hate today!" I can't wake up. I'm not really sleeping, but I'm in a groggy semi-nightmare and I want out. Saturdays are special. Saturdays are typically known around the country as date nights. My boyfriend lives 20 hours away, so understandably we cannot partake of said date night. Satudays also bring the promise of free cell phone calls all day long. Sundays hold the same promise, but there's something about Saturdays.

Saturdays are my date day with my boyfriend, they have been...forever. When both of us are not busy, we spend the time together via the phone. I take BJ with me on errands, he keeps me company while I cook, he joins in on family conversations...it's the next best thing to having him here. I talk to him until my battery dies. (My cell phone and my body) I need that....and it's only once a week.

During the week, I get to talk to BJ anywhere from half an hour to an hour in the later evening roughly between 9:30 and 10. If we talk duing the day, the conversation is brief and is usually abruptly ended by myself, who is overly concerned with cell phone minutes. I look forward so much to Saturdays.

One thing I think people forget about is I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM!!! I used to get annoyed with how often Paul would call for Sunnie, partially because they got to see each other all the time. Everyone gets annoyed with me now, but it's so different. Saturdays are all I've got! And I don't even get to see him. I don't get to feel him next to me, I don't get to hug him, nothing. I just get to talk to him, and we get to include each other in our day. We spend the day together. It's the closest thing we've got.

Yesterday was Saturday. I waited all week for Saturday. I have the day off from Caribou. Caribou is a fun job, but a lot of work. Kelly loves it, but if she worked a morning she might reconsider. The whole morning is one big rush and you feel like your brain is disconnected and floating away at times. Your hands can't keep up. My schedule is making me a vegetative psychopath. I can't exist. 3:45 every morning, and non-stop craziness until 11. I go home and I collapse, no good for anybody.

I'm never not tired, and health issues make everything that much more hellish. I feel like my mind is much, and slowly draining out my ear.

I quit Getdown because I felt like I had nothing left to contribute. That mushy mind of mine decided that it was done with ideas. It has reduced itself to the redundant existence of me...the faithful Caribou employee, the girl who sleeps the day away, and the girl who feels like no matter whose life she touches, ends up doing less good and more evil. She can't be herself anymore, because herself oozed out her ear along with her mushy brain.

The one thing my mind can focus on, is the chaotic wheel of decisions and emotional issues surrounding the move in January. I know I want to do it, I almost know exactly where to... everyone seems to have a different opinion. Of course I want to be with BJ from now until forever, but I have a lot of fears to work through.

My mind also focuses on my personal problems with myself. My insecurities. BJ opened that Pandora's box a couple nights ago. Things I've been avoiding since day one with him. Oh well. He went for it, he got it.

Anyway...yesterday was Saturday. From 5pm-8pm, I had my ear piece in my ear, and I talked to BJ until my battery died. During that time, Kelly came home from work, she and I went to Target and Wal-Mart. Much of the time BJ just listened quietly while Kelly and I searched for Halloween costumes and browsed the home decor section of Target. I was spending time with my sister, but it was my way of including BJ. It was our date day.

After my phone died, Kelly and I finished up at Wal-Mart and then headed to Blockbuster. We were in search of entertainment for the evening, but we came up empty handed. We decided to go home and eat and watch Sunnie's copy of Fever Pitch. I had seen it, Kelly and Jamie hadn't.

Kelly made a delicious pot roast dinner, so we ate ourselves to happy tummies. BJ called once but I decided not to answer, so we could have dinner together. By the time he called again, I had finished eating, so I answered and went up to my room. I told Kelly I wouldn't watch the whole movie, and she was fine with that.

Since we were no longer at a discount store in the company of my sister, BJ and I used the time to talk about real things. When the movie ended I was in my parents room (where Kelly is staying because they're out of town) checking my email. I told her I wouldn't be long, she said good because she had to go to bed. She went in the bathroom to brush her teeth. She came out with tears in her eyes and started scolding me for ditching her and Jamie for any other reason besides going to bed. Her voice got louder and more angry as I tried to brush it off, and I started to get more angry. Nobody seems to understand about Saturdays. Nobody seems to understand that I break in half everyday because I'm not with him.

BJ is my best friend. I tell him everything. He talks me through everything. He is always there, no question. He tosses his own schedule to the wind, just so he can be there for me. He wakes himself up every day Monday-Friday at 3am just so he can keep me company and ensure the fact that I'll have a good day. He is everything to me. I've waited my whole life to be loved and cherished, and now I am. I have someone who WANTS to be with me everyday, no matter how emotional or psychotic I might seem. He wants to help me deal with my past, be a constant in my present, and be with me for my entire future. Why can't I just have my Saturdays?

Even though I tried to defend myself inside my head, I felt terrible. I hung up with BJ and I cried. I felt myself slipping. It was already night, but it was still getting darker.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I couldn't move. I talked to BJ until he had to get ready for church. Him going to church means so much to me. I changed him and I feel terrible. He used to go all the time. Now he would rather talk to me. I can't stand that. I pushed him off the phone with the firm belief that he would follow through like he said and go to church. I stayed in bed for hours. I felt sick. Kelly called to ask me to help. I couldn't make sense of her words in my head. I was in that groggy nightmare. She said goodbye, but my goodbye didn't make sound before I hung up, so I guess I hung up on her. I can't remember the conversation.

BJ called on his way to work, thinking how hilarious it was that after he had hung up with me he went back to sleep. My heart broke a little. God used to be more important to him than that. How did I change that? I was sad...but for once he didn't pick up on that, so it was a light conversation, and I went back to bed. I got up every once in awhile and do...things. I'm not even sure. One time I found that Darla had eaten an entire box of apple donuts. I was furious.

BJ called on his break. I didn't answer. I was too exhausted. Instead, I silenced the phone. I fell asleep. Depression can do that. Puts you right out. I woke up to four missed calls, and an empty house. Kelly had taken Jamie to a movie. We had decided yesterday to all go together today. I guess what I had done last night kicked me out of that scenario. I started to cry. I screamed into a pillow. Nothing makes sense.

I felt irrational. Why was I so upset? Nothing had happened. But of course, if one little thing makes you upset, that snowball starts rolling down the hill, packing along with it a new problem on each side every time it makes a full circle. Pretty soon the cloud above your head is so big, you just panic. You can't remember what set it off, but you can sit and dwell for hours on everything that's wrong in your life, and everything that makes you sad. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

Now here I am writing this, and I'm trying to be honest with myself. I'm on the pill that makes me sick, I'm on the pill and I'm still spotting. (My journal, I can talk about periods...) So I have my period, and I'm still on the pill that messes with your hormones and makes me sick....wee! Weather changes create bad breathing, so I'm sick in mutiple ways, I have a cold, and so I'm just all types of crabby. So that's how I rationalize my behavior. And yet...I still don't understand people. I feel disliked, and I know that's not irrational. Some think I'm fat, some think I'm mean, some think I'm selfish...lately I've been asked how I see myself. I'm so consumed with other people's opinions, that it's been quite a chore to find one of my own. I still don't have it nailed down, but I do know that I'm unhappy with myself. Maybe someday I'll figure that out. I'm too tired to make sense to myself, or to anyone else.

My mom told me awhile back that I've been checking myself out of life. I resented her at the time, but she's right. I'm retreating into something else and I disappear from time to time. It's not even close to a fraction of how bad it was "back in the day"... back in my junior year of highschool. I have a good life and good people in it. I just wonder sometimes if I'm considered a good person in anyone else's life. I used to think that I was...such a good person. Always there for everybody. I'd loan you a million dollars if I had it. But I also remembered sacrificing my own happiness constantly just to see somebody else smile. I don't do that anymore. I found things that make me really happy, and I refuse to give those up. If that makes me really selfish, I'm sorry... actually I'm not. I deserve it.

Kelly and Jamie are at the movies now, and I'm glad I'm writing this out so I don't explode all over innocent bystanders. I probably need the time alone to sit and reflect on the chaos. Maybe I should leave me cell phone on silent. Maybe I'll exist tomorrow. Who knows.

Well, I feel like I just wrote a novel. Time to go. Later!

Today feels really weird. It's Saturday, and I stayed in bed until noon. I didn't sleep til' noon, mind you. I just lounged. I listened to the hectic hustle and bustle of Jamison begging my mom for a ride to work. I heard my mom scream back that she was busy and that it was beautiful outside. I then heard my dad scream up the stairs that he would take him. It was funny...I didn't exist.

Usually I don't get to sleep...it was really strange. Last Saturday was my first Saturday "off" but I wasn't really off. I went in for my one-on-one with Elke, and then ended up working for free to help Kelly out. Interesting, huh? So today...I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't, so I'm at the library. Figures. There aren't any movies I want to see, so here I am. Typical Corrie, right? I know I know.

So...here's the big news. Are you ready for it? Okay, here goes!

I'M MOVING TO ALABAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I know. Say what? No, I'm not married, not even engaged. (as all you Caribou people keep asking me....to quote Lauren before I left MN for AL the last visit: "Have fun Corrie. Have a safe drive, a good trip, and don't forget to get engaged. Be like 'BJ, when are you going to engage me? In marriage?' yeah, Corrie. Yeah."---another gut busting moment from Lauren Michels.)

But I am moving there for so many reasons. To be with BJ obviously, to get away from home, to start a new life...it's time. I'm leaving in January.

Of course there are multiple fears and inhibitions but those come free of charge when you make a gigantic life altering decision. Life wouldn't be life without them. I AM scared, but I can do it. I just need to find a place to live, find a job that will allow me to afford everything I need and give me health insurance. (dental would be fun too). I need furniture, I need car insurance... I need money. I have a car payment, cell phone, medications, car insurance...and a whole new state to get aquainted with. Saying goodbye to a past and hello to a future. Hello to the beginning of the rest of my life with the man I love. Yes.

So...that's my update. Time to go.

Me

Not much to write about. I mean there is, but I don't feel like it. I'm kind of blah without BJ. I miss him so much. This is hard. It's TOO hard...but it can't be. It has to work, because I need him. I love him so much. He's my everything.

So I could write about him all day, but I'll save that for myself. In other news... Caribou is fun, but it's a lot of work and it's tiring. Back to BJ---I'm planning on going to see him in a little over three weeks! Wee! Okay, sorry...another topic, another topic...

Um... I'm house sitting! But I decided not to sleep there because I got no cell phone signal and after nine is when I get to talk to BJ! Another topic, another topic...

Let's see. Kelly's doing well at Caribou. I'm back at First as a youth leader for yet another year. Well, maybe. I may be relocating. Somewhere down south to be with that other topic. But until then, I'm the drama director again. Perry maybe wants to do a musical in November! Wee! We'll see what happens.

So...I have to go call and harass kids to be in a skit on Monday. Fun stuff. Later taters!

Me

Hey people! I haven't written in awhile. I'm sure there are things I have to write about, but I can't think straight right now. Guess where I am? Alabama! WEE! Guess WHAT I am? HAPPY! Kelly and I drove about 20 hours straight through to get here. It was semi-miserable with all my back problems, but I survived.

Kelly works at Caribou now, and she's home! Oh yeah...there was that whole family reunion thing...I'm sure I'll talk about that later. If I feel like it. Right now I'm trying to figure out exactly why I'm in here, and not in the other room with BJ.

Bye!

ME

I'm exhausted. Life is such a ride. And right now it's at one of those jilting turns that turns my stomach and gives me a headache at the same time. Let's attempt that whole short version thing.

I don't understand Kris. I try to have conversations with him abouot how grateful I am to him, and how much his friendship means to me, and he doesn't really continue the conversations, and then tells people I want nothing to do with him. He says sometimes he wishes he had never joined ksite. (which basically means he wishes he had never met Kelly, and therefore I never would have met BJ.) Then he says I'm just BJ's internet girlfriend...no I'm not...then says Kelly, BJ and I are a clique that we don't want him to be a part of. And that's not all! He's told BJ he's afraid of gettinng between us, or messing things up, or afraid that I don't like him and things w ill be strained that way, whatever. So I try to talk to Kris, and thank him for everything, and how BJ and I couldn't have happened without him, and tell him how much he and his friendship means to me. Both times I tried he had to go. Then he has the nerve to tell people I want nothing to do with him. AHHH! I'm just really hurt and confused by him. BJ and I are not an internet relationship, not at all.

Anyway...that wasn't short. I suck at short. What else is new? I took on another job @ Avalon. We'll see if I end up dead. I'm sleepy. All the time. Lately, Ii just have felt like I don't exist. There's been this constant tension between my mom and I. I seriously haven't seen her or any other member of my family for almost a week. I've just been sad. Incomplete. A ghost. I haven't existed. I go to work, I run errands, I go to sleep. I go to work, and the cycle continues. It's sad but true.

Sunnie is moving out in October. Maybe I'll see her more then. She's home as little as possible. I understand... she's with Paul. I'd be with BJ if I could.

In other news...I got home from work today and was told I was getting kicked out of my room. Why? Because my uncles Scott and Danny made a surprise visit. I was very happy to see them, and I'm so glad they're here, but they're here because my Grandpa is visiting from Arizona for possibly the last time. He got really sick really fast, and I just feel...more sad. I really really love him and I probably have to say goodbye. I feel like I spend way too much time saying goodbye to people. I don't want to do it anymore.

My uncles leave on Saturday, Joey and Melissa get here on Sunday, and Kelly gets here the 20th. Then she and I leave the evening of the 24th, and I see BJ the 25th! Then I'll be able to breathe. I love him so much.

So that's it for now. I'm exhausted...

Wuzzup? Yeah, I didn't think so. Anyway! I'm in a pretty good mood. Not really sure why. At the library again. Maybe gonna grab a few movies. I'm unbelievably tired, but that's okay. It's a rainy day, so it will be nice nap time when I go home. Work has been work. I did bar again today, and Sunnie came to visit. That was nice. So what's been going on? Sheesh...why can't I ever remember when I set out to write something in this thing? I'm losing it. Oh, well. Let me think.

I want a Golden Retriever! And I'm gonna get one someday too. Or a Lab. We shall see. I want a big doggie, along with my little fluffer ball, Cody. He's the best dog in the whole wide world, so I hardly doubt any other dog could come close.

So...let's see. Any juicy details about anything? I LOVE BJ! Oh, that's no secret. Darn. Hmmm... I need a new bed. There's a juicy secret. No, not really. I just can't sleep on it anymore. It hurts my back. I need a new back. Anyone tired of theirs and wanna donate it to the cause? Oh, if only things worked that way.

Elke was telling me how great I was yesterday. That was fun. How much she appreciates me, and how much I mean to the store. Cool.

So...Everything that I have running through my head I shouldn't write about, and won't write about, but it's all I want to think about, so everything else just kind of gets lost in the fog. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. (I'm talking about...Plan See of course)

So here's some news. My grandma forever has been trying to get me books about script writing, stage direction, casting and directing, blah blah blah. Yesterday she offered to get me a book on how to set up a successful church drama program. HA! Funny lady. She just doesn't think I know what I'm doing. Then she read See Me Through. She apologized endlessly for doubting me and kept saying "I had no idea you could do this! This is so GOOD!" Hehehehe. That made me happy.

So let's re-cap my weekend. Friday, Andrew came over. Saturday, I worked in the morning, drove Jamie around, and then took Jamie and Andrew to the movies. (Talking to BJ on and off throughout the day) We saw "Dukes of Hazzard". It was very much a Jamie kind of movie. Then I went home and went to bed, then talked to BJ. Jamie and Andrew were SOOOOOO loud all night, I got no sleep. I woke up in a lot of pain, from all the tenseness, and just the...no sleep. I couldn't get up and go to church. Instead, I went downstairs all greasy and sweaty from the tossing and turning from the night before, ate some of my mom's blueberry bread, and we watched "Untamed Heart" on TV.

My Grammy showed up later and I ended up going home with her. We ate lunch, watched "The Fighting Temptations" and then she read See Me Through while I chatted with BJ. I went home around 7:30pm, showered, and then had my dad read See Me Through. Then I talked to Kelly for a long time, and then I watched Cheaters with my mom. Then...I went to bed, and talked to BJ. Then I worked. Wee!

Yeah, my life is sooooooooo exciting. But it is, actually.

Everything I've ever wanted is at my fingertips now, and that IS really exciting. I'm in love with a wonderful man, people are reading the things I write, I write and direct dramas, and I'm IN CHARGE of a church drama program... I have a connection to RJ Helton, I mean...geez! Life is good. It's not perfect. (Perfect will come when I no longer live at home).

So, that's all I have to say for now. Later taters!

Me

I hate Bou Gourmet. It's too much work. It's not all it's cracked up to be. The customers don't like it. Bah...oh well. I got talked up to the vice president of the entire Caribou corporation. Interesting...

Is it possible to die from missing someone? I think it is. Am I close? I feel like I am, but I hope I'm not. I only have to make it until August 25th, and then I'll be okay. Until I go back home. And then I WILL die, pretty sure of it. Or at least part of me will until I see him again. Am I pathetic? Yes...probably. But I'm in love. That's allowed, right? It has to be.

What else is going on? RJ Helton e-mailed me back. He's going to read the script when he gets back from LA in 2 weeks. AHHH! If I die, that would be the thing that does it. Nervous anticipation. Freaking out. I keep reading the script which is probably a bad idea, because I'm so critical of it, that I'm starting to hate it, and I don't want to! I won't love it until it "passes". That's so stupid, and yet it's true. Grrr...

I don't feel like writing, even though I'm sure there are things to write about. Let me think... work work work... hmm... yeah I really can't think of anything else to write/complain about. I'm at the library again. Today is pay day! This lady today in the DT paid for a 4 something dollar drink with a 20, and we didn't have enough change because EVERYONE was paying with 20s, so Karley went to go get change, but the lady just grinned and said "Keep it". and gave us over a $15.00 tip! We were so happy. GRanted it had to be split 8 ways, and then 10 ways after 6am. But it still brought the dollar total to 7-8 dollar bills a person. We usually never get more than 2.

So that's my news for today. I'm sure I'll have something more interesting to talk about some other time.

Bye!